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Original poster

Partner wont put me on mortgage

314 replies

Mynewusername1 · 01/04/2021 19:43

Would you expect your partner to put your name on the mortgage if you were in a long term relationship?
oh says its his money as hes worked hard he has a degree etc and saved up deposit
I work but only earn min wage not educated but pay towards bills food & holidays etc...

OP posts:
hhsa · 01/04/2021 20:57

Isnt it better to get married and then have children. More security that way. What if you broke up tomorrow? Will he let the children live in his house?

nursejekyll · 01/04/2021 20:58

'Are you for real?

If the OP was not with this man and had to rent she would be much worse off financially.'

Perhaps I just have higher standards than you Jelly babies, but in my opinion a man who has kicked out his partner and his children is really not worth wasting time with.

KirstenBlest · 01/04/2021 20:58

This is why you should get married before you have a baby.

diwrnachoflleyn · 01/04/2021 20:59

You're very passive about your life and that's both sad and frustrating to see. What was he doing that he kicked you all out? Why would you want to give the time of day to a man who treats you like this? Even now, 'hoping' to work FT and contribute to a pension but later, in the future, when your child goes to school. You've been together for years and he's always been a shit yet you went and had a couple of kids with him, let him treat you like crap, even came back for more.

Why do you think this is? He's not going to change.

wewereliars · 01/04/2021 20:59

hhsa great advice, send them back OP FFS

LondonMiss · 01/04/2021 20:59

It’s depends on his equity ect, I have been in the position from the other perspective and haven’t put someone on my mortgage as they didn’t have the affordability to take half the equity or sign a dead of trust.

Doomsdayiscoming · 01/04/2021 21:00

@oakleaffy

No way on earth would I want anyone being on the mortgage! Absolutely NOPE.

Having seen family members go through divorce, no way would I advise anyone to put a partner on the mortgage.

Sounds selfish, but when you have lost a proportion of a house to someone, you don't want to go there again.

Buy your own place!

On minimum wage with two children from a man she didn’t married to?

Maybe she can shit out some gold nuggets and pay for the kids university tuition while she’s at it.

prh47bridge · 01/04/2021 21:00

As the mortgage is already in place, there would be costs involved in getting you onto the mortgage. It would only be possible if the lender agreed, which is not guaranteed.

I just dont want to have to move the children again really if the worst happened again

As there are children involved, if you split up with him you would have a good case to remain in the house until they are grown up.

diwrnachoflleyn · 01/04/2021 21:01

I only want to be on it or married so we dont have to move out again if things did go wrong, i would absolutely sign something to say he gets everything he’s put into it I just dont want to have to move the children again really if the worst happened again

So instead you're willing to have them grow up in a household where their dad treats their mother like shit and didn't even want them? For the sake of not bloody moving again?

Good god.

He will not marry you or put you on the mortgage.

canigooutyet · 01/04/2021 21:01

@herbivore15

OP, he cannot throw you and the children out of the house. Repeat he cannot legally do this - they are his bloody kids! If he tries to kick you out, you need to call the police.
And police will do nothing because she has no legal right to remain there. Same if the situation was reversed.

Marriage/ being on the papers doesn't necessarily mean you are secure. If payments for the mortgage and rent cannot be made the house gets sold. You might walk away with some cash assuming there's any left.

Alsohuman · 01/04/2021 21:02

There’s no way I’d do it so I wouldn’t expect anyone else to either.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/04/2021 21:02

Why didn’t you make moving back in dependent on some conditions, getting on the deeds for a start?

It sounds like a bad relationship and you sound unhappy and insecure.

You could give him an ultimatum but I think it’s clear he won’t budge and you sound like you’d be better off long term if you split up, work ft, sort your pension and claim child support.

DarkMatterA2Z · 01/04/2021 21:05

OP, I'd start upping your earning capacity by taking on extra hours/looking at courses.

Tell him he has to do 50% of all child-related stuff/housework, including school drop-offs, pick-ups, holiday care etc. He can't rely on you to facilitate his career if he's not interested in your financial security.

If he doesn't agree, leave for work before him in the morning so he has to take the kids to school. Take on extra hours at the weekend and leave him to look after them. Make it clear you're not picking up the slack for him.

DarkMatterA2Z · 01/04/2021 21:05

And police will do nothing because she has no legal right to remain there.

The children have a legal right to be there, though. He can't chuck his own kids out.

Fucket · 01/04/2021 21:07

OP you need to work on a long term exit plan. Find yourself a career, undertake studying if you have to. Get yourself a house deposit together and purchase a home for yourself because it doesn’t look good for your long term future with this man.

Do not leave yourself further up shit creek without a paddle. Your DP doesn’t love you, it’s questionable if he even loves his kids by the sounds of it. What on Earth do you want to stay with him for? Stop looking at having a stake in the house you live in as the best you can wish for. You deserve so much more than being married to your DP.

PurpleBiro21 · 01/04/2021 21:08

@DarkMatterA2Z are you saying that if he kicks mum out again she should leave her children there?

A few posters seem to think mum can stay in the house because they have children together.

This really isn’t the case.

He can kick her out anytime and she’ll have no recourse because:

  1. They are not married (I.e they do not share assets)
  1. Her name is not on the mortgage/deeds.
canigooutyet · 01/04/2021 21:09

He should have put a condom on it of course but with his unwillingness to get engaged who knows, he might not have wanted the children. I'm not condoning his choice of words, however it wouldn't be the first or last time someone has had children to "trap" someone.

ShteakandShpuds · 01/04/2021 21:10

Wow, what a selfish arse your partner is.

I think you need to have a good look at your relationship and work out if you really want to live with an abusive git?

You’re not some week-end girlfriend, you’re his life partner and the mother of his children for goodness sake.

I wouldn’t put up with being treated like shit.

Sansaplans · 01/04/2021 21:10

If I had a house then no I wouldn't put a partner on it without ringfencing my additional input. However I wouldn't buy a house when dating someone else without including them if we were moving in together Confused

canigooutyet · 01/04/2021 21:11

How many mums leave the children behind when they are settled in the family home? Many take the children with them when they are kicked out by default.

Crammingitallin · 01/04/2021 21:12

I would say no if you don’t have children
But if you have children and it’s been agreed you need to be the stay at home mum then absolutely you should be on the mortgage

BillyTodd · 01/04/2021 21:12

@Mynewusername1

No all bill in his name, I just give him money towards them each month, The mortgage is cheap , cheaper than rent i know now i have been daft I didn’t realise at the time we had the children how important it was. he has kicked us out before and i had nothing so this time we are back together i do have savings incase it happens again ive told him my fears he says it wont happen again if we split up he will move out He says he didn’t kick us out i chose to leave but it was because of his behaviour
I deregistered from mumsnet a year ago in an angry fit protesting at a data breach. I've browsed it ever since and been tempted to sign back up but talked myself out of it until I saw this post. That is how important it is to me that you really hear and absorb this:

His word means shit all. Of course he won't move out of the property that he owns if you split up - he doesn't even really feel responsible for his children, let alone you! YOU ARE VULNERABLE, VERY VULNERABLE to being made homeless and broke, at his will, at any time of his choosing. You are not free to walk away from him and that makes you vulnerable as hell to dancing to his tune as the only other option for you is to risk being made homeless if you displease him. You are at his mercy - that's never a healthy thing for a relationship and you deserve better.

Here's what I BEG you to do as a matter of urgency;

  • SAVE your money for yourself. Don't pay him a penny rent, and pay bills by % earnings, not 50/50.
  • MAKE A PLAN for how you would leave instantly if it ever came to it, and get yourself the resources you would need - money, house, whatever. Make yourself a woman with options.
  • GO TO WORK FULL TIME and he has to put up with the increased cost of childcare. BUILD YOURSELF A CAREER AND A LIFE AS IF YOU WERE SINGLE. Yes pandemic makes this harder - do it anyway, and with urgency. Same with equal division of housework. You are NOT to be his live in maid if he won't even put a ring on your finger and guarantee legally in writing that you won't be homeless and broke at his will. Fuck. That. Shit.
  • Recognise that he is a Low Value Male, and stop giving more of yourself to him and this relationship than he is willing to give to you. There is a reddit thread called Female Dating Strategy that I suggest you read about LVM.
DarkMatterA2Z · 01/04/2021 21:13

@DarkMatterA2Z are you saying that if he kicks mum out again she should leave her children there?

Well, it's an idea. Unless the OP has reason to believe he's a danger to them, I imagine he'll change his mind pretty quickly when he discovers he has to look after them for a change.

In any case, if the OP does leave, she'll have to let the children have contact time with their dad anyway so he'll have to learn to look after them by himself sooner or later.

Hey2492 · 01/04/2021 21:14

Do you have children? If you do you that changes things.

Dp bought the house we live in when we’d only been together a couple months do it was all down to him. No plans to move in together by that point, I was renting a flat etc. I moved in a couple years later though.

I am not on the deeds. We are not married currently but do intend to get married one day. But I am in his will that if anything happens to him the house is mine then eventually DC’s even though we aren’t married.

If he doesn’t want to put you on the deeds he at least needs to marry you or put you in his will! You are in a vulnerable position.

Some of the responses have surprised me!

I have seen the world gold digger mentioned. I don’t think you are that at all op. You are paying bills on a house you have no legal right to! It’s normal to want some security.

People would hate me. I’ve been a stay at home parent for a while. Dp pays for mostly everything. I must be a right gold digger 😂

QueenOfPain · 01/04/2021 21:17

I’m currently buying a house for me and my boyfriend to live in.

It’s all going in my name and I’ve paid all the deposit, solicitors fees, surveyor and took on all the stress of it. It’s my house ultimately.

At the five year point where the mortgage deal needs renewing, will consider our options and see about adding him and ring fencing all the equity at that point.

Did you ever discuss it being a joint purchase? Or have you assumed?