My son keeps hitting OH's affair child

[Tored]

I've name changed as I don't like to discuss this under my regular username but I'm a frequent poster and I'm sure a few of you will recognise my story.

A few years ago my OH cheated when I was 38 weeks pregnant, that ONS resulted in a baby being conceived. My DS is 3 and the child conceived is now 2.

I decided to stay (judge that how you will) and thus I have accepted OW's child as part of a blended family, she comes here weekly.

I have no negative feelings towards her and have grown to like her but the same cannot be said for our DS who is three and has autism.

He has other half siblings he gets on well with (older ones) and shows no aggression towards them but he will not take to this little girl and every time she's here he make a beeline for her to hit and push.

We do everything we need to like keeping them apart and reinforcing that it's not ok to hit, hitting has consequences etc but as he's autistic he doesn't actually grasp that.

Should I be suggesting OH has his contact elsewhere for both of their sakes? It's exhausting, upsetting to see and isn't changing despite best efforts to integrate them.

She has been coming here weekly for approx 8 months now.

Proloquo2go is an app I saw on TikToK for people who are non-verbal, specifically a lady uses it for her son. It's not cheap but she swears by it :)

I agree DS sees her as an interloper whereas he has known his older half siblings from birth and is used to them being here all of the time.

A few of you have suggested that having her here more often could help and I think that's a good idea. I think it would also benefit both her and DS if they spent more time together away from the older DC, supervised of course.

The way things have been during covid has been for all of them to be here together, that in itself will be overwhelming for DS and as she's the least familiar one it makes sense (to him) for her to bare the brunt.

I'm considering speaking to OH about the possibility of having her on extra days, when the oldest ones are at their mum's.

That will make things less hectic for the pair of them and will hopefully help DS see that she's not a threat and could actually be a nice play mate.

He's quite introverted in his play style but has formed a couple of sweet friendships at nursery, one of which is a little girl close in age to his sister.

I've just read back through the posts and one made me laugh, somebody asked whether she was adorable as their DD was like a princess toddler and for some reason boys would always go for her.

That does ring a bell yes, infact her pet name is that of a Disney character she bares some resemblance to. She's a sweet little thing with piercing eyes and long blonde hair.

I'm taking heart that posters who have ASD children recognise DS behaviour in their own, it's reassuring to know that things like this aren't too out of the ordinary with SEN children. DS is a lovely boy, he really is when he's not hitting

@Hyppogriff

Maybe don’t call her the ‘affair child’ ?!

But she is! By no means her fault and OP is fully aware of that!

OP for what it's worth I think you sound lovely, patient and thoughtful.

Your partner needs to step up and support both of his children and his wife through what is a challenging age for any siblings / half siblings / step siblings.

You really do sound lovely and I hope you can see that the majority of people can see that!

@sykadelic

Proloquo2go is an app I saw on TikToK for people who are non-verbal, specifically a lady uses it for her son. It's not cheap but she swears by it :)

There's a much cheaper one called snap+core first from Tobii dynavox. Proloquo2Go is so expensive.

Have a look into Makaton to support his communication but keep in mind that his level of need might mean this takes years of consistency to be useful. There are lots of tools to aid communication for children with differing levels of need in this area. It'll take time to find which one is right for you. Also take advantage of a nursery place if this is feasible. He needs exposure to this sort of environment. Transitions and change can be so difficult for some, even with the most considered support. The most important thing is to not write progress off for him. This happens to so many kids with high levels of need fue to ASD etc. but they can make progress given the right support.

A very simple suggestion OP, but make sure you say his name before any instruction and use simple but consise and exact language. For example , "Luke, sit down on your chair". Even if you use perfect phrasing, he will need processing time so no, it isn't always possible to intervene before he can reach her. Don't tell yourself this is fown to poor parenting or a somehow emotionally psychic toddler (weird suggestion from a pp that he's picked up that she's disliked ).

Again, I'm glad I read on because I don't see any dislike for the child at all. Why would OP 1. even bother asking for support, 2. share that it's her own child hurting the girl or 3. still engsge with this thread despite the bullying. If there was any dislike of the girl, I can't see someone like that be proactive in protecting the girl's physical safety and emotional wellbeing.

Another thing OP, is to try and find yourself a solid support system that does not include your husband. I cannot fathom your decison to stay after what he did but appreciate you will have done so for your own reasons. He has shown that your feelings/wellbeing mean very little to him and will eventually tire of even the most passing reference to his behaviour (personally, I'd call it his abuse of you but you may disagree). You need a space to be 100% honest about all your feelings without fear of judgement.or consequences in other parts of your life. I hope you have this already but, if not, make it a priority.

@Tored

I agree DS sees her as an interloper whereas he has known his older half siblings from birth and is used to them being here all of the time.

A few of you have suggested that having her here more often could help and I think that's a good idea. I think it would also benefit both her and DS if they spent more time together away from the older DC, supervised of course.

The way things have been during covid has been for all of them to be here together, that in itself will be overwhelming for DS and as she's the least familiar one it makes sense (to him) for her to bare the brunt.

I'm considering speaking to OH about the possibility of having her on extra days, when the oldest ones are at their mum's.

That will make things less hectic for the pair of them and will hopefully help DS see that she's not a threat and could actually be a nice play mate.

He's quite introverted in his play style but has formed a couple of sweet friendships at nursery, one of which is a little girl close in age to his sister.

I've just read back through the posts and one made me laugh, somebody asked whether she was adorable as their DD was like a princess toddler and for some reason boys would always go for her.

That does ring a bell yes, infact her pet name is that of a Disney character she bares some resemblance to. She's a sweet little thing with piercing eyes and long blonde hair.

I'm taking heart that posters who have ASD children recognise DS behaviour in their own, it's reassuring to know that things like this aren't too out of the ordinary with SEN children. DS is a lovely boy, he really is when he's not hitting

I bet he is lovely my NT son used to bite when he was really young, only for a short period of time but it felt mortifying.

Unfortunately I don't have much of a support network IRL but I have discussed my feelings/OH on MN before under my regular name. I've had some good advice WRT that too.

RE makaton we are doing the basics but could definitely expand. I did a short course a couple of months ago, just an introduction to using some simple signs, but I'm open to learning alot more. DS has picked up the ones he does know quite well.

I'm Going to look up snap+core from Tobii dynavox in a second.

withmycoffee do piss off. I have been much kinder towards and about her than some of you vipers would have been should you be in my position. I only have to read the venom in your posts to conclude that much.

@Fembot123

I would have just said my DS’s half sister, why is the affair relevant if (as the OP says herself) it doesn’t affect her treatment of the child and isn’t relevant to how her son treats her either.

Maybe you would have said "half sister", maybe you think that makes you a better person then OP but it doesn't. You actually sound very unkind and unhelpful like other people who bullied OP on that thread. Nitpicking on the term used when all OP did was ask for help and she is clearly coming from place of concern is just cruel and unnecessary. You might not like the term, fair enough but OP said about 100 times already that she only used it to explain the situation and did not mean anything negative about the child. People don't interprete and use language in the same way, we are all different. Learn to listen.

I will when you learn to read 🤦🏼‍♀️ I’ve been over why I dislike the phrase but by all means read one post in isolation and patronise me. I’ve made no adverse judgments on the OP or her parenting and as for bullying that’s just laughable.

My children are 3 and 18 months my 2 are constantly hitting each other atm and I think most parents with similar ages would agree this is normal behaviour due to age not just because he's autistic!!

I can’t believe some of you are still harping on about a phrase used in the OP’s first post when a mere cursory read of the thread demonstrates that she’s very fond of the little girl and wants to find ways to avoid her own DS hurting her.

@Tored

I'm sorry to hear that. Moving on from a situation like an affair is difficult enough without knowing that it had tangible, life-long consequences. I really sympathise there. (And no, bullies present on this thread, I do not think the child exists solely as the consequence of an affair but the circumstances of her conception are undeniable).

I think you sound like a good mother and a good person. In the case of feeling isolated or unsupported, maybe speak to your GP? I'm not screening or diagnosing but they might know of appropriate places to signpost (notwithstanding the help they could provide given the negative physical impacts of stress).

It does not come easy to most mothers but this is a situation where you should put your needs first for at least a while (even before those of the children who live with you permanently and certainly those of your husband). Forgive the overdone phrase but you can't pour from an empty bucket. Both children need the adult they seek primary care from to be able to provide this. Yes the child has a biological mother who is primary carer but you have this role on a temp basis while she is at your house as thd child herself chooses to seek this attention and care from you.

The sheer volume of advice that's possible to recieve on dealing with ASD is overwhelming so just cherry pick for a while. It's more important to give a technique a significant and consistent shot than trying the largest volume in the shortest time. The most important point to keep in mind is you know your son's needs best and you are the most enaged parent. You will make the right choices for him (and the right choices for the other child at the times where the choice is your responsibility or within your role to make).

The problem a lot of the time is that, people on MN relationships board are projecting. Hence some of the strangely aggressive and spiteful responses.

Personally, I think you are a saint. There is no way on this planet I would ever accept an affair child, regardless of them being an innocent, I’d leave. If I did stay (which I wouldn’t) I’d have nothing to do with the affair child of their mother and would expect DH not to either. Hence, why there would be no other option for me but to leave. (Just being honest).

You on the other hand have not only accepted this child, but you give her your time, care and attention and you are seeking to protect her from harm at the hands of her half sibling.

Keep doing what you are doing. My niece has ALN and she was always hitting, biting and pulling the hair of her younger siblings. It’s tough and not as easy to bring to a stop as it would be with a non-ALN child.

Going outside more where there is space and distractions is the best idea, when weather permits.

Good luck with the issue, I hope it resolves itself as the children grow a little.

So this I'd say all about a 3 yr old hitting a 2 year old?! If you resent her you need to leave, for her.

‘Affair child’ bloody hell give your head a wobble OP that’s a horrid term for your partners daughter.

I'm confused - what does the affair have to do with this...?

Your child hits his/hers sister - that's the issue here.

"Affair child", "accident child", "your husband cheated on his pregnant wife child" - that's between you adults.

This is a sibling that's all.

spending more time together sounds like a good idea.. sorry you are getting so much abuse on here OP 🌸

You are a much kinder and stronger person than I could ever be. I'm sorry that you are getting so much abuse here, I hope it all works out for you

I think the fact that your son's older half siblings (who are too big to hit) visit on the same day as 2 year old may well make things more overwhelming for him. The suggestion that DSD has days at yours without the older children might help

@cansu

This is common with autistic children. My ds who has grown up with his little sister went through a phase of targeting her. What would you do if this was one of your own children? You would try and work through it. I think that is what you should do here. You have put 'affair child' to excuse what you are thinking of doing which is to force the contact elsewhere. Your husband's behaviour was shit but you should have decided to bin him when it happened. It really would be wrong to punish this child for his behaviour unless this is just a way to punish him in a roundabout way. If so, maybe you haven't forgiven him and need to think about whether you ever will.

The op has stated that she is thinking of taking HER child out, so how does this work?

Lol I'm the one with the adorable toddler, she's a rough and tumble girl now and it's stopped happening. Cuteness aggression is a real impulse, although still absolutely not OK, could explain his motives, like when kids squeeze a puppy too hard. Absolutely no idea how you cope with it at home though sorry

Goodness. Returned to this post today and pp's still more concerned about wording than the actual issue.
Affair child was used solely as shorthand for the way the relationship between the 2dc came about.
I'm pretty sure that the OP was simply trying to clarify right from the start why this little girl was conceived whilst the OP was still pregnant and why the dc stays with her df regularly in OP's family home. Which given the difficult circumstances is unusual.

Anyone who is using this to be nasty to the OP has no interest on this thread other than virtue signalling imo.

@ Oneeyeopen I agree with you . The vitriol towards the OP is shocking . I wonder how many posters would be happy to accept a child in these circumstances.