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Original poster

My son keeps hitting OH's affair child

388 replies

Tored · 01/04/2021 09:26

I've name changed as I don't like to discuss this under my regular username but I'm a frequent poster and I'm sure a few of you will recognise my story.

A few years ago my OH cheated when I was 38 weeks pregnant, that ONS resulted in a baby being conceived. My DS is 3 and the child conceived is now 2.

I decided to stay (judge that how you will) and thus I have accepted OW's child as part of a blended family, she comes here weekly.

I have no negative feelings towards her and have grown to like her but the same cannot be said for our DS who is three and has autism.

He has other half siblings he gets on well with (older ones) and shows no aggression towards them but he will not take to this little girl and every time she's here he make a beeline for her to hit and push.

We do everything we need to like keeping them apart and reinforcing that it's not ok to hit, hitting has consequences etc but as he's autistic he doesn't actually grasp that.

Should I be suggesting OH has his contact elsewhere for both of their sakes? It's exhausting, upsetting to see and isn't changing despite best efforts to integrate them.

She has been coming here weekly for approx 8 months now.

OP posts:
ApplesPearsAndCrumble · 01/04/2021 15:28

Op. You are a much stronger and kinder woman I think I could be.

Thanks

(And your DH needs to step up)

baileys6904 · 01/04/2021 15:30

Just popping on as read your post earlier, and thought it a bit harsh and have fast forwarded to your update and have got to credit you for your honesty and self reflection. I Do hope you get things sorted and it can't be said you haven't tried, despite the circumstances. Youve had to deal with a difficult situation through no fault of your own. I hope your partner appreciates it x

CharlotteRose90 · 01/04/2021 15:40

This happened to me and my autistic brother as a kid . Believe me the hitting might stop but the jealousy and hate won’t. My brother used to attack me all the time as he was jealous I’d taken our mum away. Best thing you can do is supervise at all times, if you see him even get up get in the middle straight away do not give him a chance to hurt her. This little girl has done nothing wrong. She’s not an affair child she is your sons stepsister and your partners daughter and she should be treated like a family member. Maybe when the girls at home dad can have one on one time with his daughter and you can with your son or the other way round however you feel. Both kids deserve equal time with parents.

MimiDaisy11 · 01/04/2021 15:48

You sound like you're doing your best OP. They are difficult circumstances you've had to deal with and come across a lot stronger than many people would given how things are.

Unfortunately though even given your update and how genuine and sincere you come across you'll still get people reading the original post or just the title and judging you solely on that. Despite the nastiness of some posts I hope you got some help from the people who know about autistic kids.

Comtesse · 01/04/2021 15:55

Three year olds can behave dreadfully (mine did) and I guess autism adds extra challenges. More likely to be that than him manifesting OP’s hidden feelings. I cannot believe how anyone on Relationships is giving OP crap on this. I would say you are going above and beyond (and I hope you have support yourself for dealing with some very difficult circumstances)

Original poster
Tored · 01/04/2021 16:03

Thank you ladies

OH has just left to take her home, when he gets back I'm going to tell him I want a proper talk to discuss. I'll relay the (helpful) suggestions I've received here and ask that he works with me to make things easier on both children, with a view to preventing violence toward her from DS.

Its really difficult to see it happening and it hurts because I feel responsible for DS' behaviour, rightly or wrongly, and feel incredibly sorry for her when it happens.

Nobody wants to see their child hurting another child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tored · 01/04/2021 16:04

I can see I have PM's and will log onto the laptop in a bit to read and reply Smile

Using the app at the mo

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 01/04/2021 16:13

Would your dh be able to talk to the little girls mother about what she can do to help the situation ? Very unusual but would spending time with her at her house and his father be something your son could manage ?

wizzywig · 01/04/2021 16:14

Is she the youngest out of all the kids? My asd always makes a beeline for the weakest of the kids

Original poster
Tored · 01/04/2021 16:18

I have no relationship with her mum whatsoever, we were amicable until one of her family members took to messaging me abuse, no doubt put up to it by her, so I decided I wanted nothing to do with her at all. OH deals with all of the arrangements.

She is the youngest yes

OP posts:
AmaryllisNightAndDay · 01/04/2021 16:22

she grew very fond of me too and preferred my company to OH's much of the time.

So what I'm wondering is, who really benefits from these visits? Does she engage with her father, does he engage with her? She already has a mother, her brother hits her. Can your DSD and DH play together in a different room from you and DS? It's going to be difficult to resolve anything if your DH doesn't think her getting hit is a problem and if he doesn't feel responsible for preventing it.

What's her mother's view about her daughter getting hit every time she goes to her father's house? In her place I wouldn't be at all pleased about that.

catherineofarrogance80 · 01/04/2021 16:31

@TheUnwindingCableCar

The best thing to do here is for you to split up so that poor little girl can have a good life with people who actually love her and don't just tolerate her with an undercurrent of hate for something which wasn't her fault.

As a side from that your son won't be able to be mean to her.

Why do you insist on being such a vindictive spiteful person to someone you don't know? The OP sounds like she has accepted this child and treats her like part of the family Unlike you she sounds like a lovely person
MrsSnitchnose · 01/04/2021 16:33

Haven't read all the responses yet, so sorry if this has already been mentioned. I don't know if you've been told about now and next/daily charts? For my ASD/ADHD DS they were really helpful both for home and school. For my own DS, he used to be very aggressive and anxious if there was a change to his routine. With charts like these, he knew exactly what to expect and it calmed him. This is a link to one on Amazon just to show you what they look like but there are ones to print too and you could add in your own squares for when the little girl is coming over well in advance www.amazon.co.uk/Autism-Supplies-Developments-EN_NNL-Plastic/dp/B084WDCKB1?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Rukaya · 01/04/2021 16:34

She’s not an affair child she is your sons stepsister and your partners daughter and she should be treated like a family member

She is an affair child and she's not his stepsister she is half sister. Don't lecture others when you don't know what you are talking about.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/04/2021 16:42

I really hope MNHQ issues some bans. I wish so much that they'd post people's usual usernames when they namechange to be absolute twats.

Original poster
Tored · 01/04/2021 16:43

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

she grew very fond of me too and preferred my company to OH's much of the time.

So what I'm wondering is, who really benefits from these visits? Does she engage with her father, does he engage with her? She already has a mother, her brother hits her. Can your DSD and DH play together in a different room from you and DS? It's going to be difficult to resolve anything if your DH doesn't think her getting hit is a problem and if he doesn't feel responsible for preventing it.

What's her mother's view about her daughter getting hit every time she goes to her father's house? In her place I wouldn't be at all pleased about that.

She engages with her dad and vice versa yes, it just so happened that she was more comfortable with women initially as that's what she was used to at home.

OH does see it's a problem that she's hit by DS but he seems to think it will get better in time and it's just a difficult period with him being so young and unable to communicate.

OH can play with her in another room yes and he does, or I will take DS into his sensory room and play with him in there to give them space.

I couldn't tell you what her mum thinks personally, I just know OH has kept her in the loop and she knows about DS disability and challenging behaviour.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 01/04/2021 16:46

@Rukaya

She’s not an affair child she is your sons stepsister and your partners daughter and she should be treated like a family member

She is an affair child and she's not his stepsister she is half sister. Don't lecture others when you don't know what you are talking about.

I don’t know who you are responding to but what an outrageously rude response to that poster .

The child is a child. End of. It’s her husband and his ex’s child. There is no such thing as an “affair child” what a ludicrous concept, just as theres no such thing as a “monogamous child” or “ons child” of any other variation, Since when do we label children based on the relationship of the parents? That shit stopped a long long time ago. And it certainly shouldn’t be resurrected. Ever.

Her partner and the other woman had a relationship, no matter how brief and they conceived a child together who they are now co parenting. That’s it. End of.

So she should have said “my husband had a child with another woman who he is co parenting and raising with her”

She is indeed the ops child’s half sister. But we do not label children based on their parents relationships.

catherineofarrogance80 · 01/04/2021 16:48

OP console yourself with the fact you will be a far better parent and nicer person than many posting on here to attack you. Vindictive bitter people never make good parents no matter how much they try to put others down to make themselves feel better

catherineofarrogance80 · 01/04/2021 16:49

@Bluntness100 what part of that was outrageously rude 😂😂😂

MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 01/04/2021 16:52

Hi all

We're popping in with an ahem and asking for some peace and love.
It's easy to get carried away online but please remember that there is someone reading these posts on the other side of the screen. Support and advice, above all else, is our main aim. Flowers

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/04/2021 16:53

Bluntless, there's no 'we' about it. OP used it as an explanatory term as she's explained multiple times, which you'd know if you'd read the thread and not just jumped in to pile on.

Utterly ridiculous.

EKGEMS · 01/04/2021 16:58

My son (20) had a stroke as a newborn preemie so severe special needs but I won't ever forget him sucking a lemon when I was holding a friend's baby when he was your son's age! It was easy to giggle about because it was a brief moment in time versus a sibling he would see on the regular. I think consistent rules and routine will help. I would consider naughty step or a minute or three in his room if current methods aren't helping. All my advice is academic as only you know what your boy can grasp developmentally.

LivBa · 01/04/2021 17:02

He’s probably hitting her because she’s younger and because she’s not there all the time but visits regularly (which I suspect is why you flagged that she is the product of your H’s affair, hence doesn’t live with you full-time but visits regularly).

Exactly what I thought. I'm sure OP doesn't call her affair child in real life. Saying that, I think there's an (umderstandable) unconscious resistance to this younger child. It's interesting how your autistic son is managing to reach her to hit her in the first place. Hopefully OP you're watching out for her and protecting her from your son, the same way you would do if she was your own child. It's not fair on her at all to have to live in fear while she's there.

Rukaya · 01/04/2021 17:02

The child is a child. End of. It’s her husband and his ex’s child. There is no such thing as an “affair child” what a ludicrous concept, just as theres no such thing as a “monogamous child” or “ons child” of any other variation, Since when do we label children based on the relationship of the parents? That shit stopped a long long time ago. And it certainly shouldn’t be resurrected. Ever

Bullshit. OP's partner had an affair, and a child. If she wants to refer to that child that way on an anonymous forum for ease of description, she does not need your sanctimonious lecturing about it. None of us do.
You're not the word police and you don't get to tell OP or anyone else what they are allowed to say. You're not being clever or helpful.

CharlotteRose90 · 01/04/2021 17:06

@Rukaya

She’s not an affair child she is your sons stepsister and your partners daughter and she should be treated like a family member

She is an affair child and she's not his stepsister she is half sister. Don't lecture others when you don't know what you are talking about.

Yawn half sister then . She is not an affair child and you are disgusting to call her that.she still deserves to be part of the family. I do know what I am talking about as I’ve been a child in the same scenario with the hitting.