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Original poster

My son keeps hitting OH's affair child

388 replies

Tored · 01/04/2021 09:26

I've name changed as I don't like to discuss this under my regular username but I'm a frequent poster and I'm sure a few of you will recognise my story.

A few years ago my OH cheated when I was 38 weeks pregnant, that ONS resulted in a baby being conceived. My DS is 3 and the child conceived is now 2.

I decided to stay (judge that how you will) and thus I have accepted OW's child as part of a blended family, she comes here weekly.

I have no negative feelings towards her and have grown to like her but the same cannot be said for our DS who is three and has autism.

He has other half siblings he gets on well with (older ones) and shows no aggression towards them but he will not take to this little girl and every time she's here he make a beeline for her to hit and push.

We do everything we need to like keeping them apart and reinforcing that it's not ok to hit, hitting has consequences etc but as he's autistic he doesn't actually grasp that.

Should I be suggesting OH has his contact elsewhere for both of their sakes? It's exhausting, upsetting to see and isn't changing despite best efforts to integrate them.

She has been coming here weekly for approx 8 months now.

OP posts:
FredaFlinstone · 01/04/2021 18:59

I can't comment on your DS's behaviour as I am not an expert in autism but I am concerned about you OP. You have an awfully LOT on your plate and some of that needs removing.

What is your DH doing in all of this? What effort is HE making to sort this out. You are a better woman than me, there is absolutely no way I would have kept that man in my life. He has DC from a previous relationship/ marriage, he has a child with you and a child with someone else? He must think himself really special and a real catch to have all these women chasing round after him. Also, you were getting grief from this woman's family? WTAF.

You are a good person and what you have done is very nice. However, you need to offload some of this stress for your own sanity. Your DH is like a wrecking ball in the women's lives around him and it is for HIM to sort this out.

notanothersaveusername · 01/04/2021 19:08

When my two were very young I actually had an extended child gate/fence across the centre of the room ( it was a long narrow room) and segregated them that way, as DS would always hit little DD. Also jeolousy driven. Until the situation settles, practical is the way to go.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/04/2021 19:21

Bluntness
Um, alright miss Jean Brodie. 😂
I'm definitely a Miss JB fan... Maggie Smith was sublime.

I did read the thread, I was replying to the poster I actually quoted. Not the op, who I fully understand why she used the term.
You were telling off Rukaya (whom I agreed with), who was telling off another poster (quite rightly).

Utterly Ridiculous...
Indeed. I now have a headache.

I used the term (on another thread a while ago) 'wife-adder'. Shorthand for friend-who-added-her-wife-to-group-of-internet-friends-without-as-much-as-by-their-leave... 'wife-adder' was quicker. I saw the sense in OP's shortform of 'affair child' and, given that the child is 2, she isn't reading this horrid thread.

If you read the OP's posts, which I'm sure you have, you'll see that she's fond of the child, child comes to her for kisses and cuddles - and OP's wanting support to stop her child from hitting this child.

OP isn't the harridan on this thread, she really isn't.

Bygones? Grin

jessstan2 · 01/04/2021 19:32

@SandyY2K

I can see why my choice of wording might have come across as harsh but I was using those words as a description, to be factual, not to be nasty to her.

Not harsh at all. People are just being plain old nasty to you because they can do so anonymously.

Shame on them.

I agree, the op was not harsh. She needed to tell us some detail and that title set it out.

What else could she have said? My husband's child with another woman; my husband's child with his mistress; my husband's child conceived during an affair?

She can't win in some people's eyes however she phrases it.

Fembot123 · 01/04/2021 19:35

I would have just said my DS’s half sister, why is the affair relevant if (as the OP says herself) it doesn’t affect her treatment of the child and isn’t relevant to how her son treats her either.

Fembot123 · 01/04/2021 19:36

I genuinely have never heard the expression before and I hope not to again, saying that 13 pages in it’s not relevant and the OP has expanded upon why she chose that expression.

Original poster
Tored · 01/04/2021 19:40

You are a good person and what you have done is very nice. However, you need to offload some of this stress for your own sanity. Your DH is like a wrecking ball in the women's lives around him and it is for HIM to sort this out

I agree with this, about him.

We had a talk when he got home and I said I'm concerned that I'm the one taking on all of the worry about this. I relayed some of the replies from the thread.

He listened and asked if I felt he could be doing more and I said absolutely yes, because overall it's not my responsibility to be shouldering the stress for the pair of us.

I asked what he planned to do to make the situation better for both children and he said he doesn't know, but he'll give it some serious thought. He's confident that it's just a phase and in time DS will get used to her.

The problem is she has been coming regularly for 8 months now and it's only getting worse.

PPs, yes I was getting abuse from her sister over Facebook. How cliche eh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tored · 01/04/2021 19:43

Again, I referred to her as an affair child to explain in advance why there was such a small gap between siblings and that she isn't my child.

I'm a bit Confused that so many are still caught up on that by page 13.

I have explained and most people can see it's not malicious.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/04/2021 19:46

Tored, I agree with you and I'm glad that you've decided to make your husband take notice. It's absolutely ALL of HIS responsibility to make provisions and care for his daughter. If you do something for her, play with her, care for her then that's great and it's clear that you do all of that without being asked.

But it's absolutely HIS responsibility to shelter you from any of the stresses that his selfish actions have caused.

You really do sound incredibly kind, you definitely deserve better than what he has been and I hope that he spends the rest of his days making that up to you.

What will you do to make him take this on so that you can take a secondary/supporting (but voluntary) role?

Fembot123 · 01/04/2021 19:46

@Tored

Again, I referred to her as an affair child to explain in advance why there was such a small gap between siblings and that she isn't my child.

I'm a bit Confused that so many are still caught up on that by page 13.

I have explained and most people can see it's not malicious.

Most people have accepted that, it’s people supporting your use of the term that keep bringing it back up.
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 01/04/2021 19:47

@Tored

Again, I referred to her as an affair child to explain in advance why there was such a small gap between siblings and that she isn't my child.

I'm a bit Confused that so many are still caught up on that by page 13.

I have explained and most people can see it's not malicious.

Just ignore them; there's no point explaining again and again, most of us understood it and, far from you being malicious - they are. Don't give them the oxygen of your response.
Fembot123 · 01/04/2021 19:49

I’d agree with @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe, you’ve covered it now so maybe just assume anyone who brings it up again hasn’t read the thread and ignore it.

ZiggyBaby · 01/04/2021 19:50

Ignore, OP. They're all keyboard warriors through and through 😂

ekidmxcl · 01/04/2021 20:07

I recognise this behaviour. My ds is autistic and although now 15, at 3, he absolutely hated visiting children in his space with his stuff or our household stuff. I’d say this is what your ds is expressing. I know his half sister isn’t a “visitor” but to your ds she is essentially an intruder. My ds was able to play with my dd but they were together the entire time and had the same attitude to toys. It took years for my ds to accept visitors. And by that stage, he’d been able to choose his own friends and was happy with their behaviour.

I’d keep the kids apart. Could one play upstairs?

Notoriouslynotnotious · 01/04/2021 20:10

Just ignore them; there's no point explaining again and again, most of us understood it and, far from you being malicious - they are. Don't give them the oxygen of your response.

I totally agree with @LyingWitchInTheWardrobe
your actions, actual ACTIONS, of doing your best to make this work in the interests of your DSD vs some very vindictive posts. The world really has turned on its head since the advent of social media.

It is chilling how little action people have to take these days to clap themselves on the back by playing at being advocates for something, while on the ground when people put the actual physical hard work into make the world a better place for a child can be castigated by these others.

Lnix · 01/04/2021 20:14

I feel for you OP. You have such a lot on your plate with this situation. You're doing a great job with your son - ASD is not an easy journey at first - and working out what makes him tick or what triggers meltdown is a lifelong process! It is VERY clear that you care for this little girl as well and are trying to do your best to support both children in a difficult situation. The criticism you have received is uncalled for. Hope you're OK x

BigPaperBag · 01/04/2021 20:27

I wish the posters who are whining about ‘affair child’ would give over.

Fembot123 · 01/04/2021 20:30

@BigPaperBag

I wish the posters who are whining about ‘affair child’ would give over.
Maybe stop bringing it up then?
FredaFlinstone · 01/04/2021 20:31

PPs, yes I was getting abuse from her sister over Facebook. How cliche eh.

Abuse about what exactly and what has your DH done about this?

As far as I am concerned, your role in all this is to be kind and welcoming to his DD. She is not your DD. Any extra work this entails should be down to him, or he should be massively pulling his weight when she is around. You accepted the child and that is good enough. You shouldn't be doing the work involved too.

I asked what he planned to do to make the situation better for both children and he said he doesn't know, but he'll give it some serious thought

Sounds like the women in his life pick up the slack for his mistakes. No, just no. If he wants to remain with you OP he needs to pull his finger out big time. Seriously, who the hell does this man think he is?

Butwasitherdriveway · 01/04/2021 20:32

The wee guy has no doubt picked up on the fact that you very obviously don't like and treat her differently.

Butwasitherdriveway · 01/04/2021 20:33

@FredaFlinstone how does him saying he will give it some serious thought mean he expects women to pick up the slack...

Theunamedcat · 01/04/2021 20:37

@Fembot123

I would have just said my DS’s half sister, why is the affair relevant if (as the OP says herself) it doesn’t affect her treatment of the child and isn’t relevant to how her son treats her either.
The affair is relevant as people will ask why have you only just started seeing this child how is there such a small gap between the children is ds your husbands child and all sorts if assumptions that are cleared up by stating her husband had an affair
Fembot123 · 01/04/2021 20:38

It still doesn’t seem pertinent to the actual question in fact if anything it’s confused the issue.

Theunamedcat · 01/04/2021 20:42

@Butwasitherdriveway

The wee guy has no doubt picked up on the fact that you very obviously don't like and treat her differently.
More likely she is the youngest she isnt there all the time and he regards her as an interloper he cannot his his elder siblings they are there all the time so they "belong" she is not and does not "belong"

My youngest is suspected autism and reacts very territorial if I have a younger child in my arms he is fine with his big brother and half sister despite her being away at university most the time but if I pick up a baby he is right there telling me I need to hand it back (yes he called the baby it) then trys to crawl on my lap push the baby away grab my face to turn my FACE away from the baby/small child he finds small children distressing but not older children

VVKills27 · 01/04/2021 20:53

@FredaFlinstone someone talking sense here thank god.

All this nonsense on here that the poster hasn’t accepted the child yet she welcomes her into her home weekly & explains she’s very fond of her. Perhaps she could invite her mother over too for a foot massage? What exactly has she done wrong other than explain the facts on an anonymous advice forum?