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Original poster

My son keeps hitting OH's affair child

388 replies

Tored · 01/04/2021 09:26

I've name changed as I don't like to discuss this under my regular username but I'm a frequent poster and I'm sure a few of you will recognise my story.

A few years ago my OH cheated when I was 38 weeks pregnant, that ONS resulted in a baby being conceived. My DS is 3 and the child conceived is now 2.

I decided to stay (judge that how you will) and thus I have accepted OW's child as part of a blended family, she comes here weekly.

I have no negative feelings towards her and have grown to like her but the same cannot be said for our DS who is three and has autism.

He has other half siblings he gets on well with (older ones) and shows no aggression towards them but he will not take to this little girl and every time she's here he make a beeline for her to hit and push.

We do everything we need to like keeping them apart and reinforcing that it's not ok to hit, hitting has consequences etc but as he's autistic he doesn't actually grasp that.

Should I be suggesting OH has his contact elsewhere for both of their sakes? It's exhausting, upsetting to see and isn't changing despite best efforts to integrate them.

She has been coming here weekly for approx 8 months now.

OP posts:
LivBa · 01/04/2021 17:07

Also people need to cut OP some slack! She's taken on a child who came about as a result of her husband's adultery - most women (including I bet a lot of posters criticising the "affair child" term) wouldn't take on the child the way the OP has.

Rukaya · 01/04/2021 17:09

She is not an affair child and you are disgusting to call her that.she still deserves to be part of the family

OP called her that,. and she can if she wants to her. She is a child of an affair. OP is kind enough to have made her part of the family, when most wouldn't, and she can call her whatever she likes on an ANONYMOUS FORUM.

Are you people so thick you can't tell the difference between MN and real life? Do you think she's made the kid a tshirt that says "affair child" on it or something? Grow the fuck up.

And its not "yawn half sister then". Step and half are 2 completely separate things, if you don't know the difference don't talk about things you don't understand.

Sssloou · 01/04/2021 17:09

*Ever since she entered our lives I've been in 'Mary poppins' mode, so to speak.

Making sure the children are as happy as possible, making an exerted effort to welcome her and help her feel secure in her second home.

During the early days when I first met her I did have to excuse myself for a few minutes to have a cry but quickly buried those feelings and just got on with it.

Over time I became very fond of her and grew to look forward to her visits, she grew very fond of me too and preferred my company to OH's much of the time.*

Your “laid back husband” who “does nothing - short short of separating them in the moment is falling very very short here. Seems like he continues to take zero responsibility for the situation and is comfortable dumping it all on you. You are making huge sacrifices here and he doesn’t care. You, and your DS’s development will likely pay for this as you are burdened and emotionally exhausted carrying everything.

All 3 of you - you, DS and the little girl - deserve much much more from your DH.

Demand it.

Mittens030869 · 01/04/2021 17:09

And please remember that this is on the Relationships board not AIBU! Although it sometimes feels as if there’s no difference between the two.

Rukaya · 01/04/2021 17:09

its not to her that should say

SandyY2K · 01/04/2021 17:15

I can see why my choice of wording might have come across as harsh but I was using those words as a description, to be factual, not to be nasty to her.

Not harsh at all. People are just being plain old nasty to you because they can do so anonymously.

Shame on them.

MrsSnitchnose · 01/04/2021 17:17

Just made my way through the thread and read your updates OP. Glad to see you're already using the now and next boards. Time out etc never worked for my DS and in the end I had to just ignore any bad behaviour and reward him with lots of praise and treats at the end of the week for good behaviour (obviously you can't ignore what he's doing so removing him to calm down seems to be your only option at the moment)

Would be worth speaking to his ED Psych about the courses on offer (already mentioned upthread) I did one called Riding the Rapids and it was very useful. I don't know if they still offer that one because mine was years ago but they may have something similar. If you're on Facebook, there are a few groups for parents of autistic children which I found really useful when DS was little.

I really hope you find a solution. It's not much help now, but things do improve as they get older and can communicate how they're feeling. My DS is 13 now and though he still has some bad days, things aren't nearly as tough as they used to be Flowers

Sssloou · 01/04/2021 17:18

I am really shocked to hear that @Tored you have been the victim of abuse from a relative of the mother of the little girl that your DH had a ONS with.

That is brutal. What has your DH done to deal with this and protect you?

worried3012 · 01/04/2021 17:20

It could be that you have said yourself when she is there you go into full on 'Mary Poppins' mode and maybe not how you would act when it is just you and your son, and he's picked up on that and it exacerbates his jealousy.

fairynick · 01/04/2021 17:23

Why shouldn’t a child be able to go to their parents because their sibling can’t be controlled?
Instead of saying your Husband should have contact with the child elsewhere, why can’t you go elsewhere with the older child? YAB so so U

May17th · 01/04/2021 17:27

@GrumpyHoonMain

He’s autistic and 3, there is no hope of this changing without specialist intervention techniques and they’ll take a long time to implement. Best thing for everyone is if your DP sees the girl elsewhere.
The girl? That’s OPs child sibling!! However it came about... it doesn’t really matter either way. A baby/child is not in the picture and that is OPs childs sibling. OPs title is interesting... no judgement on that you choose to stay. Although you need to face facts and realise your practically family too and the “affair child” should be referred to X sister. I bet OP wouldn’t refer to her partner like that....
May17th · 01/04/2021 17:29

@fairynick exactly how will OP cope if she was to have another child.

YoniAndGuy · 01/04/2021 17:29

This reply has been deleted

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Bluntness100 · 01/04/2021 17:31

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

Bluntless, there's no 'we' about it. OP used it as an explanatory term as she's explained multiple times, which you'd know if you'd read the thread and not just jumped in to pile on.

Utterly ridiculous.

Um, alright miss Jean Brodie. 😂

I did read the thread, I was replying to the poster I actually quoted. Not the op, who I fully understand why she used the term.

Utterly Ridiculous...

worried3012 · 01/04/2021 17:34

@fairynick

Why shouldn’t a child be able to go to their parents because their sibling can’t be controlled? Instead of saying your Husband should have contact with the child elsewhere, why can’t you go elsewhere with the older child? YAB so so U
I agree but I think the OP has suggested this herself as an option
Wanderlust20 · 01/04/2021 17:40

God, people are really focused on the "affair child" thing! OP didn't ask for your opinion, cut her some slack. I think it's amazing she's accepted the child at all, doubt I would be able to.

Wanderlust20 · 01/04/2021 17:40

Ask for your opinion on that * I mean

Wanderlust20 · 01/04/2021 17:43

Actually, the more I think about it, if OP was to use the term "sister" people would just wonder why she can't handle her own children. But the girl isn't her daughter so it was relevant to explain this, as it makes the delicate situation more complex.

Mn753 · 01/04/2021 17:45

Odd question, but is she adorable? My youngest daughter was like a Disney toddler and for some reason boys just used to go for her. Like cuteness aggression! Not helpful though as it's obviously nothing she can help!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/04/2021 17:48

@Mrgrinch

I can't even bring myself to read this.

Why bother 'accepting' the situation (your cheating partner who will definitely cheat again if he's already gotten away with it when a child was conceived) if you're going to label this poor toddler an 'affair child'? That's absolutely disgusting.

And yet you could bring yourself to read the first post and then comment.
anon12345678901 · 01/04/2021 17:53

I've read the full thread and just wanted to say @Tored you are an incredibly strong woman to forgive your partner and welcome the little girl into your home.
I know she is a child but that's a constant reminder of his infidelity and the abuse that came after.
I don't judge your terminology, she is the result of an affair so the term affair child is apt to use on the forum, it's not as if you actually call her that or refer to her as in to others.
It maybe jealousy with your son and I think talking to your partner is the best bet so you're both on the same page. I hope it gets better for you all soon Thanks

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/04/2021 18:01

@fairynick

Why shouldn’t a child be able to go to their parents because their sibling can’t be controlled? Instead of saying your Husband should have contact with the child elsewhere, why can’t you go elsewhere with the older child? YAB so so U
OP literally suggested doing this herself.
Frangelico · 01/04/2021 18:25

Ah OP I have no advice but wanted to offer support; I understood what you meant in describing the backstory as you did, and I think you must be a very kind and caring woman to accept this little girl as much as you have Flowers.

Fembot123 · 01/04/2021 18:45

@Wanderlust20

Actually, the more I think about it, if OP was to use the term "sister" people would just wonder why she can't handle her own children. But the girl isn't her daughter so it was relevant to explain this, as it makes the delicate situation more complex.
Half sister
Salarymallory · 01/04/2021 18:48

Oh ignore @Mrgrinch

She started a thread.... hand wringing about covid. And the consensus is, pipe down.

Not to even bother reading. But commenting anyway - says is all