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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gut feeling husband is going to leave me soon.

622 replies

Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 01:36

I feel somewhat silly for writing this as I’m genuinely not sure what to think and haven’t been in this situation with him before. For some months I’ve noticed my DH has distanced himself from me quite a bit and has missed big events (in our relationship) like valentines, Mother’s Day etc. I feel like he’s been avoiding me and not making any effort anymore. He’s locked down his social media too, as I called out the fact he had randomly started following A number of women on SM which generally wasn’t a problem but the amount in a short space of time was. I have the gut feeling it’s someone from work as he has stopped texting me on breaks etc (which he always did before) and I found pictures of me in his recently deleted folder in his phone so there are no pictures of me in there anymore.

I’ve found he’s blowing up over the silliest things. He makes minimal eye contact and often comes home from his night shift and instead of getting into bed for a cuddle like he used to (before the kids get me up) he’ll stay downstairs, and go up when we’re up and often be up there for some time awake etc. It feels almost like resentment.

He’s working an increasing amount of overtime and seems to have no time for me anymore.

OP posts:
Houseofvelour · 02/04/2021 17:36

Well done for kicking him out for a bit

SomethingElse2 · 02/04/2021 17:43

You must be relieved it’s out in the open OP

Mif4 · 02/04/2021 19:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

RandomNortherner · 02/04/2021 19:39

My dad did this to my mum 30 years ago. She was brave and left him. You are brave and amazing too. These types of men care only about themselves. You deserve so much better as others have said and you sound like an incredibly strong woman who has absolutely got this. Don't back down (he won't like it one bit). Hold onto as much of your own money as you can. You are in control. Like others have said. These men never look as appealing to OWs when they have to cough up maintenance and share some child care. If there is OW, she may have bought his lies. My dad tried everything he could to not pay maintenance towards us children and my mum struggled on her own but slowly it got better for her and now she is remarried and happy whilst my dad has gone from woman to woman. Hope you manage to get some answers from him for your own sanity.

LovePoppy · 02/04/2021 20:15

@Handsoffstrikesagain

Missed rent is not recorded on credit files. Only if he went to court for non payment and got a CCJ.
Do you not need reference letters from previous landlords there? You often do where I am.

If OP is on the lease, non payment could count against her too.

Handsoffstrikesagain · 02/04/2021 20:18

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Original poster
Blackcat88 · 02/04/2021 20:46

I am on the tenancy unfortunately and they will require references from previous landlords.

OP posts:
Handsoffstrikesagain · 02/04/2021 20:55

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 02/04/2021 21:53

He went to his mums earlier, I had a message off her about an hour ago saying that I’m ungrateful and he works like a dog for this family 😄

I’ve told her everything and she’s just ignored my message lol

OP posts:
Itlod1982 · 02/04/2021 21:56

Bet she's a bit lost for words that her golden boy isn't so perfect after all!!

Good on you for being so strong tho. It's not easy at all, and will feel like the worst thing ever right now but better than wasting years of your life suspecting him and feeling miserable. It'll get better

lowbudgetnigella · 02/04/2021 22:00

Hope she knows he's buggered off without paying the rent leaving her grandchildren homeless (well they won't be , but still) tosser

Honeyroar · 02/04/2021 22:00

She won’t acknowledge your message. That would mean acknowledging she’s raised a chest. Plus he’ll be filling her head full of bullshit about you. Put them all behind you and concentrate on your future.

SandyY2K · 02/04/2021 22:02

I’ve told her everything and she’s just ignored my message

Well done for telling her. I hope she knows that on spite of allegedly working overtime, he suddenly can't pay the rent this month.

I agree with you about him getting into trouble with the OW yesterday. He's probably making all kinds of promises to her.

Mif4 · 02/04/2021 22:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Houseofvelour · 02/04/2021 22:15

well done for putting her straight. Hopefully she'll see that his smear campaign was all a load of bullshit!

lowbudgetnigella · 02/04/2021 22:17

Can you ask him for bank statement and wage slips? Would he hand them over if you blatantly ask?

Mumof3dogs · 02/04/2021 22:47

Well I hope he has a restless night at his mums tonight, worrying about the shitstorm that is heading his way!

Have a nice quiet night and if you can't sleep I would spend your time searching for paperwork and maybe also packing his bin bags for collection ASAP .

WTAFdoodles · 02/04/2021 22:53

Think his mum's pretty deluded!

Onthedunes · 02/04/2021 23:09

So you're the bad guy , you've thrown him out of his own home, even though he's been telling mommy how bad it's been for him recently.
OP how could you?

"See mom I told you it was that bad."
"Yes son, you'll soon have your own house."

Don't communicate any further with her, she sounds an idiot.
FFS I can't stand mothers like this.

She won't listen to jackshit, keep council with your family.

HmmmmmmInteresting · 02/04/2021 23:29

@Blackcat88

He went to his mums earlier, I had a message off her about an hour ago saying that I’m ungrateful and he works like a dog for this family 😄

I’ve told her everything and she’s just ignored my message lol

👀
JesusIsAnyNameFree · 02/04/2021 23:32

@Onthedunes

Completely agree. If my son pulls this shit when he's old enough, I won't be on his side, I will be on my DILs side and let my son know how incredibly disappointed and angry I am with him.

LovePoppy · 03/04/2021 00:33

@Handsoffstrikesagain

Yes you need references lovepoppy but the PPs were referring to credit files. That’s why I advised OP if it was a joint tenancy she should continue to pay full rent as it could impact her reference x
Yes I suggested she pay the rent too. Shocking how many would hurt themselves to score a point.
pam290358 · 03/04/2021 05:23

@Mif4. I doubt the payroll people. Will tell her anything. That sort of info is confidential and subject to data protection.

Dontletitbeyou · 03/04/2021 06:10

I like the advice of calling his work snd asking when his overtime money is going in .
It’s obviously Bs on his part , he wasn’t doing no overtime , not at work anyway !!
The fact you haven’t been sleeping with him will help with you getting used to him not being there , so hard as it’s been , that dirks in your favour .
His mum is never going to see your point of view . He’s good at lying , he’ll no doubt have been giving her a sob story about what an ungrateful bitch you are and worse , and she’s going to believe him . Talk to your family and friends , don’t involve his family as it will just frustrate you and nothing good will come out of it

Do whatever you need to do , put your interests first , you and DC, he’s no longer a consideration for you ,other than making sure you don’t allow him to shaft you in any capacity .
Well done for kicking this waster out , his OW has bagged herself a real prince .

Sansaplans · 03/04/2021 06:37

@Mif4

How can he even think he is getting away with more overtime but can't pay the rent 🙄

I'd phone his work and ask when the overtime money is going in as you are late with the rent. Be interested to see what they say.

They won't say anything to OP.