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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gut feeling husband is going to leave me soon.

622 replies

Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 01:36

I feel somewhat silly for writing this as I’m genuinely not sure what to think and haven’t been in this situation with him before. For some months I’ve noticed my DH has distanced himself from me quite a bit and has missed big events (in our relationship) like valentines, Mother’s Day etc. I feel like he’s been avoiding me and not making any effort anymore. He’s locked down his social media too, as I called out the fact he had randomly started following A number of women on SM which generally wasn’t a problem but the amount in a short space of time was. I have the gut feeling it’s someone from work as he has stopped texting me on breaks etc (which he always did before) and I found pictures of me in his recently deleted folder in his phone so there are no pictures of me in there anymore.

I’ve found he’s blowing up over the silliest things. He makes minimal eye contact and often comes home from his night shift and instead of getting into bed for a cuddle like he used to (before the kids get me up) he’ll stay downstairs, and go up when we’re up and often be up there for some time awake etc. It feels almost like resentment.

He’s working an increasing amount of overtime and seems to have no time for me anymore.

OP posts:
Handsoffstrikesagain · 02/04/2021 14:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Handsoffstrikesagain · 02/04/2021 14:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

DPotter · 02/04/2021 14:38

Has he perhaps been treating the OW to gifts, dinners out etc and he's blown the rent that way ?

You don't blow a months rent on lunches at work - unless they are very nice lunches, and not your bog standard cheese & tomato sarnie

ProfessionalWeirdo · 02/04/2021 14:53

Has he perhaps been treating the OW to gifts, dinners out etc and he's blown the rent that way?

That was my first thought too.

OP, is this the first time he's said he can't afford the rent?

Cherrysoup · 02/04/2021 15:05

Hope your viewing goes well.

Ninibest · 02/04/2021 15:12

OP, I think you should let him know that you are not happy with all is happening, maybe he will have a click and try to save your marriage.

Sundances · 02/04/2021 15:32

You need to make it clear he will still have 50:50 responsibility for his DCs.
It sounds like he is sloping off without taking them into consideration.
Just start lookng after your future - it's not worth searching for Proof, lok after yourself.

SunshineCake · 02/04/2021 15:42

Do not pay the rent. He needs to do that. Hopefully you can have this new place. What a shithead.

Closetbeanmuncher · 02/04/2021 15:59

Do not pay the rent. He needs to do that. Hopefully you can have this new place. What a shithead

Dont pay it OP he can go borrow it off mummy.

How did your viewing go?

Handsoffstrikesagain · 02/04/2021 16:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/04/2021 16:02

Why on earth would you pay the rent out of your savings? You're in a precarious position and poised to leave (the sooner the better). You're going to need your savings to help you move and pay for your own new place.

Tell him he's going to have to take the money out of his savings if he wants the rent paid. Why should you cover the money that he's most likely splashed out on impressing this OW.

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 02/04/2021 16:14

@AcrossthePond55

Why on earth would you pay the rent out of your savings? You're in a precarious position and poised to leave (the sooner the better). You're going to need your savings to help you move and pay for your own new place.

Tell him he's going to have to take the money out of his savings if he wants the rent paid. Why should you cover the money that he's most likely splashed out on impressing this OW.

The property isn’t available for another month (when the previous tenants move) so I’d have to pay the rent to have somewhere to live in the meanwhile!

I’ve told him he needs to go to his mums because I don’t believe a word he’s said and it’s clear he’s lying etc. Isn’t taking it too well so far, next step is to get his mum involved so she can talk him around to going back there for a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackcat88 · 02/04/2021 16:15

And I say for a bit because I assume him and OW have some lovely plans

OP posts:
Dery · 02/04/2021 16:18

“I’ve told him he needs to go to his mums because I don’t believe a word he’s said and it’s clear he’s lying etc. Isn’t taking it too well so far, next step is to get his mum involved so she can talk him around to going back there for a bit.”

Well done for laying it on the line, OP. Good luck with the conversation with his mum.

Itlod1982 · 02/04/2021 16:19

Good for your @Blackcat88 You're being so strong!! Thanks

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 02/04/2021 16:23

@Itlod1982

Good for your *@Blackcat88* You're being so strong!! Thanks
In a really weird way I feel prepared? Thanks to him anyway, not sleeping next to him for some months etc I mean it’s not like much will be missing I suppose.
OP posts:
Original poster
Blackcat88 · 02/04/2021 16:25

It may sound strange (to some lol) but whenever he’d make himself a cuppa, he’d always make me one even if I didn’t really want one. That was another thing that changed and whilst it sounds small it stood out a lot!

OP posts:
pam290358 · 02/04/2021 16:41

OP, he’s actually shot himself in the foot by distancing himself for all this time, because in a way he’s made it easier for you to make the move - similar, to ‘you dont miss what you haven’t had’. !! If he’s short on the rent, before you cough up for the shortfall, I’d make him account for every penny he’s spent since last months’ rent payment - see what the difference is and if it makes sense.

Katrinawaves · 02/04/2021 16:43

I’m just wondering why if he genuinely has another woman and was gearing up to leave you he’d deny it and not just go? I get that his behaviour sounds very odd recently but could there be any another explanation for it - depression or a gambling addiction or both? Could there be an older child from a previous relationship he’s just found out about and didn’t want to tell you about?

Is there any chance of getting the kids out of the way for an afternoon and really getting to the bottom of all this with him. If he doesn’t in fact want the marriage to break down given how much you’ve already confronted him with, he may just come clean about everything.

Closetbeanmuncher · 02/04/2021 16:53

Can you afford thr current place alone?

VimFuego101 · 02/04/2021 17:05

If you think the new house is genuinely on the horizon, then don't waste your savings paying the rent on your current place. Let him figure it out.

Is there any way you can get into his online banking to see what's really going on with his money?

RizzleRazzle · 02/04/2021 17:11

Don't pay his share of the rent out of your savings, that would be really silly.

Even if this other property isn't available for a month, no action will be taken on your current property in that time, you'll still be able to continue living there.

Did you only mention the email to him or have you mentioned all the other suspicious stuff too? Be prepared for him to go to his DM and say you've kicked him out just because of an email address, he will be doing his best to make you look crazy

Onthedunes · 02/04/2021 17:12

So he is still denying your accusations?

Has he agreed to go to his moms?

What has he actually said about your living arrangements as a couple if he says he is still invested in the marriage.
Your plans are clearly not being made together surely he has to be frank with you reguarding going forward.
What does he expect you to do live on the streets with the kids?

Onthedunes · 02/04/2021 17:17

If his mother is actively helping him start again whilst at the same time not giving a shit about you and the kids.....

Where you will live, her grandchildren, for fucks sake what is this woman.

If this is the case it sounds as though your better off without this shit show of a family.

WallaceinAnderland · 02/04/2021 17:20

If you can sign up for the new rental, presumably you can give notice where you are now and both of you be out of there in 2 months?