Gut feeling husband is going to leave me soon.

[Blackcat88]

I feel somewhat silly for writing this as I’m genuinely not sure what to think and haven’t been in this situation with him before. For some months I’ve noticed my DH has distanced himself from me quite a bit and has missed big events (in our relationship) like valentines, Mother’s Day etc. I feel like he’s been avoiding me and not making any effort anymore. He’s locked down his social media too, as I called out the fact he had randomly started following A number of women on SM which generally wasn’t a problem but the amount in a short space of time was. I have the gut feeling it’s someone from work as he has stopped texting me on breaks etc (which he always did before) and I found pictures of me in his recently deleted folder in his phone so there are no pictures of me in there anymore.

I’ve found he’s blowing up over the silliest things. He makes minimal eye contact and often comes home from his night shift and instead of getting into bed for a cuddle like he used to (before the kids get me up) he’ll stay downstairs, and go up when we’re up and often be up there for some time awake etc. It feels almost like resentment.

He’s working an increasing amount of overtime and seems to have no time for me anymore.

The changing of passwords etc is suspicious. The only way of doing it is to borrow his phone to look something up, or send a text whilst yours is on charge... ie, an innocent request. His reaction will tell you everything.

Were you able to use it before?

Are their any suspicious entries on your bank statement? Or receipts in his wallet? Pocket?

Also, Trust goes two ways. Meh should be able to trust you to use his phone. Maybe you could even make a joke of the situation, and ask if he’s got a secret lover he’s trying to hide from you... see how he reacts.

Yeah I definitely think he's setting up to leave or at the very least being shady.

Depending on your personality, you could approach him about it or you could try and get evidence.

Do you share a phone bill? You could check for unknown repeated numbers, or texting a lot to a particular number. You could try looking at his social media through friends/family. You could try watching or putting tracking software (only if on a family computer). Checking his phone at night (watching for a PIN or using his finger/thumb at night).

I'm hoping the best for you!

Really sorry to read this op.
As others said follow your instincts. Don't do what I did and play nice hoping for the best and doubting myself.
You and your children will be only ones who will suffer.

Pass codes changed and working "overtime" that he isnt being paid for?

Sorry sweetheart, but its a done deal.

Pull the rug out from under him, while you can.

I’d ring a solicitor today and get legal advice so you know exactly where you’d stand if you split.

It’s not sounding good. Taking control is the best thing you can do. And don’t blame yourself 💐

Oh OP....the thing about the mortgage cements it really. I mean....he's horrible! You're on maternity so I assume your baby is little still??

What an arse!

Can you book an appointment with a solicitor to find out where you stand financially?

Since you're married it wouldn't matter if he gets a mortgage on his own, you would be entitled to some of his share? He would be pretty stupid to get a mortgage with someone else and then divorce you because it would complicate everything surely?

I'm sorry to hear this op.

OP I’m so sorry you are going through this. The way he is treating you really isn’t fair. If he’s not happy and wants to leave, he needs to communicate this to you rather than getting his ducks in a row and gaslighting you about it in the meantime.

You need to put yourself first. Take control while you can and speak to a solicitor so you can have a plan to follow if things don’t work out. Good luck OP

It’s not unheard of for people to have the mortgage in their name but not the property. Same effect can be achieved by being a guarantor on a later defaulted loan. OP please see a solicitor as soon as possible.

He doesn’t want you to see the loan application.

It seems pretty clear to me he's met someone else and the gut feeling is right he will be leaving soon. I would start planning for this now. Mumsnet is full of threads to help you.

Cherchez la femme. I’d put money on there being another woman.

Sorry you’re having to deal with this, especially with a new baby.

As the mn expression goes, start getting your ducks in a row.

Take copies of any financial documents you can find, maybe start looking for rentals you could get alone, particularly take copies of any payslips you can find for any future cms claims.

Trust your instincts, if they’re right which I fear they are, he is already ahead with the planning stage, but I bet him applying for a mortgage alone (with someone else) he hasn’t considered splitting assets with you or paying maintenance for his DC’s.

Good luck, sending hugs.

He is having an affair. Almost certainly with someone at work.

You have probably got a very small window of time before he walks out, blaming you for forcing him to end the relationship and denying til he is blue in the face that there is anyone else.

You can therefore a) let him go on his/her timetable
B) tell him you know what he is doing and kick him out
C) try and jolt him back with counselling/a massive row/a sob story/an intervention
But equally those things could speed up the end of your marriage if he chooses her over you.

But he is highly unlikely to just drop her and check back into the marriage

You said you are on ML - how old is your baby?

I am sorry OP.

I would also ask to borrow hs phone- I would be steering this situation too- not waiting for things to happen.

How do you feel about him at the moment anyway?

The mortgage thing isn't right. I've never had a stable job, so generally been ignored for the sums but always on the mortgage, no problem.

What it sounds like to me is him trying to get his house secured in his name only - thinking you won't have any right to it.

But you will.

You're married so half is yours.

No matter whose name is on the mortgage. Get legal help NOW!

Also if your name isn’t going to be on the mortgage, he doesn’t get to use your savings for the deposit.

So at the moment he's planning on buying a house without you? And it's possible he has someone else and is planning on leaving you? But he hasn't left yet because it's easier to have you supporting his lifestyle?

My gut reaction is for you to end the relationship, but first I'd get financial advice. If he leaves and buys himself a house, where is he getting the deposit from? Presumably joint savings?

He's so far out of the door you can't see him OP.

Just the talk of getting a mortgage without you being on it let alone the hundreds of other red flags. He's doing everything bar saying it's actually over and most men don't. They don't have the balls to look you in the eye and say it, they behave like utter shits to make you be the badass. That way they get the added bonus of saying you threw them out or you left them etc.

Get advice and walk out of the marriage. Why discuss it? He's not giving you the time of day let alone straight answers. See a lawyer and cut the head off it clean.

Am I missing something here, but if he gets a mortgage in either his own name or as a joint mortgage with someone else, will you not still have a claim to his half as your his wife?????

What a fucking sorry excuse of a man!

Op your not silly for writing this. I really feel for you. It’s not right how he is treating you. He should be totally honest with you. I am glad that you have support in rl. You don’t deserve any of this.

Sadly, I think you're right. His savings aren't his, you're married.

Get all of your financial information together & find a shit hit solicitor!

I'm really sorry 💐

@Blackcat88 I am so sorry your going through this, I just went through this with my wife last year. I felt the distance and little things changing like you said the lack of texts at lunch time and the lack of affection towards me. I eventually asked what was going on and boom turns out there is someone in work. Then the blame shifting started, it was all my fault apparently.

I’ve fought it for a year trying to turn it around and here I am waiting now for my wife to move out. My point is if this is what is happening I am pleading with you do not do the pick me dance you won’t win, it will exhaust you mentally and physically. Get some advice from a solicitor as soon as you can.