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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gut feeling husband is going to leave me soon.

622 replies

Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 01:36

I feel somewhat silly for writing this as I’m genuinely not sure what to think and haven’t been in this situation with him before. For some months I’ve noticed my DH has distanced himself from me quite a bit and has missed big events (in our relationship) like valentines, Mother’s Day etc. I feel like he’s been avoiding me and not making any effort anymore. He’s locked down his social media too, as I called out the fact he had randomly started following A number of women on SM which generally wasn’t a problem but the amount in a short space of time was. I have the gut feeling it’s someone from work as he has stopped texting me on breaks etc (which he always did before) and I found pictures of me in his recently deleted folder in his phone so there are no pictures of me in there anymore.

I’ve found he’s blowing up over the silliest things. He makes minimal eye contact and often comes home from his night shift and instead of getting into bed for a cuddle like he used to (before the kids get me up) he’ll stay downstairs, and go up when we’re up and often be up there for some time awake etc. It feels almost like resentment.

He’s working an increasing amount of overtime and seems to have no time for me anymore.

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 02/04/2021 11:16

He deleted it all when he realised you were on to him. Cheaters are all the same.

It doesn't matter if you don't have proof he is cheating, you can still leave him.
He is being awful to you and the kids and excluding you from buying a house with him sums up where he is at.

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 02/04/2021 11:17

But I know he’s lying, it’s obvious. How he thinks I’m so stupid is beyond me, it’s actually pathetic that I’m meant to believe this

OP posts:
CoconutQueen · 02/04/2021 11:17

I think you're doing an amazing job of holding it all together Blackcat.
Don't doubt yourself; he will try and gaslight you now into doubting your own gut. You're doing great. Good luck with the viewing. Flowers

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 02/04/2021 11:26

@CoconutQueen

I think you're doing an amazing job of holding it all together Blackcat. Don't doubt yourself; he will try and gaslight you now into doubting your own gut. You're doing great. Good luck with the viewing. Flowers
Thankyou, my sister and mother saw it too with their own eyes and I’m so glad they did!
OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 02/04/2021 11:29

Ah sod him, go to the house viewing and once contract/dates are sorted just leave. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of notice tbh.

Out of interest what phone does he have?

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 02/04/2021 11:29

@CombatBarbie

Ah sod him, go to the house viewing and once contract/dates are sorted just leave. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of notice tbh.

Out of interest what phone does he have?

iPhone 11
OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 02/04/2021 11:33

Ah OK if it was a Huawei I'd have DMd you.

Itsokay2020 · 02/04/2021 11:46

Could he be lying about his ability to pay the rent? Could he in fact be putting the money aside as a deposit on a new rented property? I wouldn’t rush to pay it, particularly if you are paying the other bills, don’t touch your savings as I strongly suspect you will need them in the near future. I hope your viewing goes well at 3pm and you can take control of the situation. You don’t deserve to be treated like this Flowers

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 02/04/2021 12:04

@Itsokay2020

Could he be lying about his ability to pay the rent? Could he in fact be putting the money aside as a deposit on a new rented property? I wouldn’t rush to pay it, particularly if you are paying the other bills, don’t touch your savings as I strongly suspect you will need them in the near future. I hope your viewing goes well at 3pm and you can take control of the situation. You don’t deserve to be treated like this Flowers
I actually wanted to laugh when he was saying someone else must’ve made the accounts etc. It’s comical it really is...
OP posts:
Mumof3dogs · 02/04/2021 12:09

I'm guessing he won't show you his payslips or bank statements to back up his story that he's not been paid his overtime etc ?

It's so obvious he's lying and he thinks you believe him - he seems to believe his own web of lies Angry

Dery · 02/04/2021 12:09

I think the email account is a red herring. Have you confronted him about not being paid for all the overtime he is allegedly doing but not being paid? About not wanting to buy a new place with you? About being unable to pay rent? The lies to his mum? These are the indicators that he’s checked out. Have you actually said to him - stop insulting my intelligence - what kind of father does these things - stop treating me like an idiot - it is obvious what you’re up to?

Anordinarymum · 02/04/2021 12:12

The bit I find unnerving is that the game playing seems to be on both sides.

He's a shit and needs calling out

tribpot · 02/04/2021 12:13

I would point out if that someone is spoofing his identity, it's unlikely they would stop with just making Insta and Snapchat accounts and may have access to his bank details. He should be phoning his banks to let them know he's been the victim of identity theft.

(I appreciate he hasn't been the victim of identity theft at all, but this is what a normal person would be doing if they found out someone knew multiple email addresses and had their phone number too).

LovePoppy · 02/04/2021 12:13

Why would you bring up the email
But not the missing rent money

You are focusing on the wrong issues.

Get out of the house today and clear your head. You need a break.

Get the rent paid though. Unpaid rent could seriously affect your ability to get the new place

Honeyroar · 02/04/2021 12:30

I really hope this house you view is good enough. Once you have somewhere safe and affordable for you and the children you can relax a bit.

What did you say when he said he didn’t care if you lost the house because he can’t pay the rent? Didn’t you play merry hell at him? Remind him it’s his while family, his kids too, that he’s affecting? Did you not tell him to get on the phone now and find out where the payment for the overtime is? As soon as I’d secured the other house I’d be telling his mother, and everyone else, that you’re pretty sure he’s having an affair, that’s why you’ve left.

Honeyroar · 02/04/2021 12:30

Whole not while family

bullyingadvice2017 · 02/04/2021 12:35

Get his sorry ass dumped and start your new life. Torturing yourself with the details will not do you any good. And it will all come out in the wash anyway. Give it a few weeks and ow will appear in plain sight.

ladymuck111 · 02/04/2021 12:37

Give him a chance to concoct a story explaining everything and to tell you that you're crazy.

Blacktothepink · 02/04/2021 12:45

Good luck with the viewing!

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 02/04/2021 12:51

@LovePoppy

Why would you bring up the email But not the missing rent money

You are focusing on the wrong issues.

Get out of the house today and clear your head. You need a break.

Get the rent paid though. Unpaid rent could seriously affect your ability to get the new place

The argument happened because of the rent and I’d said not only is it irresponsible but it’s also suspicious.

The mortgage thing he’s said is because he doesn’t want to pay rent anymore as it’s ‘eating all of his money’

OP posts:
VictoriaBun · 02/04/2021 12:56

The mortgage thing he’s said is because he doesn’t want to pay rent anymore as it’s ‘eating all of his money’

Boo hoo to that ! Surely he realises that a roof under the head of his child is his responsibility as well as yours ? Get angry op . Get angry .

SconesJamthenCream · 02/04/2021 13:17

You want to remind him he'll have trouble getting any mortgage if he has a bad credit reference from not paying rent!

My XH told me I was going mad for suspecting he was having an affair - I'd seen the proof but he didn't know.

JollyHolly30 · 02/04/2021 13:28

The way he's acting makes me feel sick on your behalf.
I've done my share of super sleuthing in the past.

Hope your view goes well this afternoon. You need a way out of this now toxic relationship.

timeisnotaline · 02/04/2021 13:45

@SconesJamthenCream

You want to remind him he'll have trouble getting any mortgage if he has a bad credit reference from not paying rent!

My XH told me I was going mad for suspecting he was having an affair - I'd seen the proof but he didn't know.

This. Pointed comment he can kiss the mortgage goodbye. Don’t use your savings.
raincamepouringdown · 02/04/2021 13:57

Definitely point out that no bank will touch him if he has a history of not paying rent. So he needs to pay it.

Good luck with the viewing.