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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Gut feeling husband is going to leave me soon.

622 replies

Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 01:36

I feel somewhat silly for writing this as I’m genuinely not sure what to think and haven’t been in this situation with him before. For some months I’ve noticed my DH has distanced himself from me quite a bit and has missed big events (in our relationship) like valentines, Mother’s Day etc. I feel like he’s been avoiding me and not making any effort anymore. He’s locked down his social media too, as I called out the fact he had randomly started following A number of women on SM which generally wasn’t a problem but the amount in a short space of time was. I have the gut feeling it’s someone from work as he has stopped texting me on breaks etc (which he always did before) and I found pictures of me in his recently deleted folder in his phone so there are no pictures of me in there anymore.

I’ve found he’s blowing up over the silliest things. He makes minimal eye contact and often comes home from his night shift and instead of getting into bed for a cuddle like he used to (before the kids get me up) he’ll stay downstairs, and go up when we’re up and often be up there for some time awake etc. It feels almost like resentment.

He’s working an increasing amount of overtime and seems to have no time for me anymore.

OP posts:

seensome · 31/03/2021 01:42

He does seem like he's checked out, why wait for him to end it, sounds a very unhappy relationship for you, find the strength to end it.

Namechangeforspring2021 · 31/03/2021 01:50

Are you sure he’s working overtime and not with someone else?

Snowshow9 · 31/03/2021 01:54

He could be with the other woman, not over time as he says

Onthedunes · 31/03/2021 01:57

My heart goes out to you. Are you going to confront him with your feelings of being nelected and unloved or are you waiting and watching for further information?

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 31/03/2021 02:04

I'm sorry this is happening, it must be really difficult

Do you want to try to save it? I feel like the only way to possibly do that would be to tell him what you've noticed and how you feel, to see if he has any desire to do so. Just waiting around to see if he will stop behaving like this won't do anything.
If you confront him and he doesn't want to save it, at least you will know and you can start working towards your future. This is no way to live and you deserve better.

occa · 31/03/2021 02:09

Sounds like you're right. If you can bring yourself to end it first you'll thank yourself later. Really.

SpacePotato · 31/03/2021 02:09

He's creating the false narrative that it's all your fault. You are stopping him from doing whatever (or whoever) he wants. The picking fights etc, so he can justify that what he is doing is acceptable.

I also suspect the overtime is bullshit.

Original poster

Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 02:13

I have mentioned and tried to talk about the the fact we barley see each other and he’ll just look at me and ‘i need to work’ etc. It’s a very sudden change in routine. We’ve been currently saving for a mortgage, I am on ML so obviously haven’t been working at the moment etc and he’s just (this week) mentioned that he’s going to be going for a mortgage by himself as he feels even with me working I don’t earn much (neither does he) and me being on the application will hinder it etc. So obviously just bullshit. He’s planning things without me and I know he wouldn’t be able to get a mortgage for a 3 bedroom house with his wage alone, so maybe I’m paranoid but he may have plans with someone else etc.

OP posts:

Mundayblues · 31/03/2021 02:14

I agree with the above. I wouldn’t sit around waiting for this to blow up. You don’t have to go all guns blazing, but you do need to have a serious chat to him about what you’ve noticed and take it from there. My friend sat back whilst something very similar to this happened to her for a year until she found there was another woman and they split. It’s no way to live your life.

Mundayblues · 31/03/2021 02:16

Sorry, a few more posted including OP whilst I did mine. With your latest update, I’d say you need to really get tough now and be the one to dictate what’s going on in your life. I’d suggest you seek legal advice and confide in a close family or friend for some real life support.

Original poster

Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 02:17

@Mundayblues

I have thankfully got RL support!

OP posts:

Onthedunes · 31/03/2021 02:25

Woah, hang on op.

He's going for a mortgage without you and you think he couldn't afford it on his own.
You are suggesting he's buying a property with another woman?
Ge to a solicitors pronto.

Financial advice first.

Original poster

Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 02:25

@Onthedunes

Woah, hang on op.

He's going for a mortgage without you and you think he couldn't afford it on his own.
You are suggesting he's buying a property with another woman?
Ge to a solicitors pronto.

Financial advice first.

I mean that’s the only sense I could make of it! Considering he definitely couldn’t afford on his own etc

OP posts:

SpacePotato · 31/03/2021 02:29

If you've been saving for a deposit is it in a joint account? Do you have your own account you could move at least half to before the fucker takes it all?

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 31/03/2021 02:29

As above, you really need to try to take control of this situation now. You can't change his plans perhaps, but you can decide to not just sit back and watch it happen. You need to ask him to be honest about what is going on, because making you live in this sort of limbo is just cruel. If he's going, he should just go and stop wasting your life.

Original poster

Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 02:30

@SpacePotato

If you've been saving for a deposit is it in a joint account? Do you have your own account you could move at least half to before the fucker takes it all?

I have been saving what I can in my account, he is in his. X

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/03/2021 02:30

Oh dear.

This is the start of the The Script.

It will get worse. Unless you choose to end it now. I can understand that you dont want to until you know for sure that he is up to something, but I can tell you from experience that your instinct is not wrong.

Onthedunes · 31/03/2021 02:30

Well if he has this planned asking him if he has checked out of the marriage is not going to get an honest answer. He will stall for time to get his stuff sorted.

How long have you been married ?
What does he think he can do, hide the asset?
You really need to phone a solicitor tommorrow.
Are you going to ask him?

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 31/03/2021 02:33

I have been saving what I can in my account, he is in his. X

Good. That was an incredibly sensible thing to do.

CirqueDeMorgue · 31/03/2021 02:34

Go with your instincts

SpacePotato · 31/03/2021 02:36

His plan is waiting until he has a new house in his name before conveniently telling you it's over.

Original poster

Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 02:38

I feel like I have this pit in my stomach, it feels horrible. We have children and have been together for 7 years, married for 2. He started his new job last year and since then things had been different but in the last few weeks they’ve took a massive turn.

OP posts:

Standrewsschool · 31/03/2021 02:48

Can you do a bit of snooping on his phone or laptop?

What does he do when downstairs at night? If there is someone else, maybe that’s when he is texting her. Can you maybe get up (to get a drink...) to see what he’s up to?

Is he actually working longer hours? Has his wages increased?

Why don’t you ask about the texting etc? Mention you miss his messages. See what his response is.

As others have said, don’t let him dictate the script, and start taking control now.

Original poster

Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 02:52

@Standrewsschool

Can you do a bit of snooping on his phone or laptop?

What does he do when downstairs at night? If there is someone else, maybe that’s when he is texting her. Can you maybe get up (to get a drink...) to see what he’s up to?

Is he actually working longer hours? Has his wages increased?

Why don’t you ask about the texting etc? Mention you miss his messages. See what his response is.

As others have said, don’t let him dictate the script, and start taking control now.

He’s completely changed every password etc saying I should ‘trust’ him. He works most nights so isn’t here. He says the texting has stopped due to him working through his breaks.

His recent wage slip hasn’t came through yet but the one last month was short on some hours, I confronted him and he said that they’d not put it on and he’d see them about it 🤨 I think I’ve been overly busy with the kids and the baby I’ve let a lot of things slide!

OP posts:

ThebirdsAndBeesWhereThere · 31/03/2021 02:57

Yes, things are not looking good at all.

I'd trust your instincts.

This happened to me. Was another women.

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