Gut feeling husband is going to leave me soon.

[Blackcat88]

I feel somewhat silly for writing this as I’m genuinely not sure what to think and haven’t been in this situation with him before. For some months I’ve noticed my DH has distanced himself from me quite a bit and has missed big events (in our relationship) like valentines, Mother’s Day etc. I feel like he’s been avoiding me and not making any effort anymore. He’s locked down his social media too, as I called out the fact he had randomly started following A number of women on SM which generally wasn’t a problem but the amount in a short space of time was. I have the gut feeling it’s someone from work as he has stopped texting me on breaks etc (which he always did before) and I found pictures of me in his recently deleted folder in his phone so there are no pictures of me in there anymore.

I’ve found he’s blowing up over the silliest things. He makes minimal eye contact and often comes home from his night shift and instead of getting into bed for a cuddle like he used to (before the kids get me up) he’ll stay downstairs, and go up when we’re up and often be up there for some time awake etc. It feels almost like resentment.

He’s working an increasing amount of overtime and seems to have no time for me anymore.

oh op so sorry-dont give over your deposit money if hes going for this mortgage alone he can do it alone

get some legal advice but keep your savings or you wont see them again

@Blackcat88

You really need to take immediate steps to protect yourself financially.

Get copies of all bank statements, especially his. Get copies of any important paperwork eg Insurance/ passoprts etc

Join a credit check site eg Experian so you can see instantly if he's been applying for any mortgages/ loans etc. (You'll be able to see these credit searches recorded because you are financially joined with him as being married and living at the same address.)

As other posters have said, stop allowing him to run the narrative of your life.

Tell him ''I'm not happy having a mortgage in your name only'' Tell him you need to see his last 6 payslips to see what you could get if you apply for a joint mortgage.

Say to his and your parents ''Mr Blackcat88 is trying to get me to agree to the mortgage being in his name only ! Can you imagine ??''

Make life fucking difficult for him !

For sure he's seeing someone else, and bringing her into your house!? I don't fucking think so.

I would advise you see a solicitor ASAP instead of dragging it out. He's a snake and a coward.

Sorry, OP. That's not a gut feeling - it's based on ample empirical evidence.

@Blackcat88

I thought maybe I was being a bit silly to be honest, but I think it’s obvious he’s hiding something and clearly wants to exit the marriage.

It feels like I can’t talk to him anymore IYSWIM. He’s different and he’s definitely changed a lot of his personality, there was an incident a couple of weeks back where he kept picking at things and trying to argue so i had left with the children to go to my mums for a couple of nights as I didn’t want to animosity around the kids. Strangely he had said he invited one of his friends around for pizza and a coupe of beers but he had said I think three times if you are coming back let me know so Barry (NC) will be gone before you got back. I wasn’t necessarily too suspicious at that point until I got home and had seen my Netflix had been used to watch Friends and Outnumbered. He has never watched these before and has often said these shows are a lot of shit lol. I said well who’s watched this? He said his friend put it on for background noise ( usually would be music) and I was shocked that him and his ‘friend’ would watch these types of shows together.

How gross, clearly he's brought a woman into your home. So disrespectful

What your DH is doing is classic. He is having an affair or EA and the way his brain deals with it is to convince himself that it is your fault, or he has no choice in the matter. This is because the other alternative is that he is a selfish c*nt and who wants to think that about themselves. If he thinks that, then he has to stop what he is doing. So, whilst this feels personal, it isn't. He is brainwashing himself into believing that he doesn't love you, you are covered in baby poop, he will be better off somewhere else, etc. Whilst men are in this zone they also do other dangerous stuff like hiding money away and screw you over big time to maximise their walk-away bundle and minimise what you have.

My DH has done this to me twice. Once 17 years ago when I knew no different and about 2 years ago. On both occasions, what saved my marriage was my reaction to it. The first time, pre-DC I was heartbroken but didn't show him that. Over 6 weeks I got a new job in another country, made new friends, got fit and healthy. When it came to the conversation about when are you moving out, I am moving to Australia and need my deposit, he sh1t himself. The second time it happened, more recently, I again took the opposite to the pick me dance and told him, great, this is how much money you owe me, we are moving to this place so I can walk to work and school, I am looking forward to my new life and I can't wait to meet some new men and make up for lost time. Again, cue brown trousers.

My DH is still here, but that is on my terms. My DC will be fully grown soon and they will be independent and earning their own money. Until then, he can work 60 hours a week financing it all. That sounds really bad, but I loved my DH so, so much and he broke my heart twice. Now I am wiser, have my own account which I pay into every month, have copies of EVERYTHING and I know my rights.

Your DH will either leave you for someone else or come to his senses. Either way, you need to have copies of everything and all your ducks in order. If he drops the bombshell, tell him "fine, let me help you pack", don't plead or beg. I guarantee your reaction of whatever will confuse the hell out of him and possibly jolt him out of it, that is if you want him back after he has dipped his wick elsewhere.

You really need to take immediate steps to protect yourself financially

Absolutely. Don't wait until he leaves you high and dry OP, by the time you've discovered the 'evidence' you'll be up shit creak without a paddle.

This is so upsetting to read.
What a complete arse. Without jumping to conclusions I think you need to show yourself some good old respect and admit that you deserve much better.. in terms of communication, commitment and love.
It doesn’t sound like he’s giving you much at all. I would be assertive with him and explain you don’t feel you are getting these things, that his behaviour is sketchy and walk away with your head held high. He will regret this I can guarantee it.
He shouldn’t and no one should ever treat you this way.

Sorry but it's definitely obvious :(

I'm really sorry he has treated you this way but atleast you have a heads up so if I was you I would be trying to get my ducks in a row

@Blackcat88

Bloody hell ! I just saw your update !

He needs a bloody reality check, pronto !!

Please start making life difficult for him by making damned sure that you tell everyone what he's been doing !!

Personally, I'd be 'manufacturing' a wee argument and taking the kids to my parents again, telling him you don't want the kids to see any nastiness. Then I'd be phoning him (like last time you were away) and as soon as he said ''let me know when you're coming back, so Barry can be gone before you come home'' I'd be round there like a Ninja, with a camera, to catch the fucker at it !
Then straight round to his parents to show them the evidence (so they would be more likely to support you because the split would be because of his behaviour).

Then I'd be going back to my house and telling the cheating bastard to leave, because this is the kids home and they are the priority !

One thing I also realised OP is that nothing lasts forever. If I look around my own family, 3 of them were widowed in their 50's. That is not far off my own age. I could get divorced or widowed at some point. It is good to be independent of your partner a bit. I wish I had been.

If I ever become single again I won't ever live with another man or share finances with him. Plus as I get older, I have realised that men are just really selfish and if you have had your DC and are financially sound, you don't need one.

Without jumping to conclusions I think you need to show yourself some good old respect and admit that you deserve much better.. in terms of communication, commitment and love.

Yep this is so important. You can't control what he does but you can control how you react to it and how you treat yourself

Wow, what a prick your husband is. Good on you for being vigilant and not being in denial. Atleast you are being smart. I would do what others have suggested, start preparing for the worst case scenario which is him leaving you for another woman. It definitely sounds like he is hiding something big from you and I bet its another woman. Sending hugs your way

Sorry but it sounds like he's met someone else

He's got a nerve. OP if you want proof, do it again - go to your mum's, let him message you that 'Barry' is coming round again, give it some time then turn up unexpectedly back home. You'll no doubt catch him in the act and he can then pack his bags and leave.

In the meantime, get financial and legal advice. This relationship is over but it will help if you can stay one step ahead of him.

What an arse he really is. I wish you had just turned up and caught him with his trousers down.

Get quietly angry and make yourself your first priority.

Oh and also, I meant to say, she is probably in a relationship as well as otherwise they could go to her house so he is probably hoping to time his departure so that it fits in with what they want. Don't make it easy for him. Take control.

Well, he’s a peach, isn’t he?

Yes, it sounds like he’s having an affair and preparing to leave. His pay packet almost certainly wasn’t short. He’s more than likely spending his “overtime” shagging the OW. He either thinks you’re really stupid or he’s too stupid to realise how obvious he’s being.

Get as much support as you can IRL as well as here. It sounds like you will need it.

But in the long-term, you’re well shot of him if this is how he behaves and she’s welcome to the guy who would leave the mother of his 2 tiny children and who she knows can’t be trusted.

All the ingredients are there but you won’t know until

1)He’s got everything for himself finally organised and ready to walk out.
2)You do some justified snooping on his devices.
3)You sit down and ask if he’s checking out of the marriage and would it make it easier for him if you just both agreed to divorce amicably.

I’d just go straight for option number 3. You must know your own partner well enough to know whether he’s lying to your face I guess. Then you’d have your answer this evening.

Get legal advice asap, get copies of everything and then sit down and talk to him. But make sure you start with his CMS contribution that will be on going for the next X number of years. Because he needs to deduct that every month to work out what he can or cannot afford to rent/buy when he moves out of the house you are now in.

Also don't forget his pension pot is part of the marital assets as are both your savings pots. He needs to see the cold, harsh reality of what he is doing.

You need to work out him seeing the children too.

Go in armed with all the information.

Sad that he is pretending to be interested in TV shows such as Friends and Outnumbered for someone else. Clearly he cannot be himself with this person.

Oh dear.
Find a good solicitor.

I would get all the evidence of finances that you need and then I would do what updownroundandround suggested and set things up to catch him in the act.

I wouldn't be happy with him getting away with some "we grew apart/ she was impossible to live with" narrative to friends, family and our children in the future.

I have definitely considered getting a camera, setting it up and going to my moms for the night ( when I know he’s off work).

He has a work friend who is apparently seeing the manager, and in the past my partner has told me that the manager often picks up a woman who works there and drops her home etc. He’s stopped communicating about this all together really, he’s also dropped another bombshell that he had seen a mortgage advisor a couple of weeks ago when he had only told me 4 days ago of his plans to get a mortgage on his own. I have obviously said that he’s unlikely to get a mortgage (big enough for our needs with the children) on his salary alone yet he seems certain and has been ‘advised’ he can.

Unless he’s planning on getting a one bedroom flat (which means he isn’t planning on seeing/having the children over night).

It does look massively like all the signs are there. So be wise. Get advice, get support. Get as much info you can together that you’d need in the case of a split (talk to a solicitor now). I wouldn’t imagine he’s far off leaving by the tings he’s said. How much longer is left on your tenancy? Be a step ahead of him. Get organised and dump him. What an absolutely shit bloke.