Gut feeling husband is going to leave me soon.

[Blackcat88]

I feel somewhat silly for writing this as I’m genuinely not sure what to think and haven’t been in this situation with him before. For some months I’ve noticed my DH has distanced himself from me quite a bit and has missed big events (in our relationship) like valentines, Mother’s Day etc. I feel like he’s been avoiding me and not making any effort anymore. He’s locked down his social media too, as I called out the fact he had randomly started following A number of women on SM which generally wasn’t a problem but the amount in a short space of time was. I have the gut feeling it’s someone from work as he has stopped texting me on breaks etc (which he always did before) and I found pictures of me in his recently deleted folder in his phone so there are no pictures of me in there anymore.

I’ve found he’s blowing up over the silliest things. He makes minimal eye contact and often comes home from his night shift and instead of getting into bed for a cuddle like he used to (before the kids get me up) he’ll stay downstairs, and go up when we’re up and often be up there for some time awake etc. It feels almost like resentment.

He’s working an increasing amount of overtime and seems to have no time for me anymore.

Forget about finding proof or arguing with him.
Cover yourself.
See a solicitor, find out how m uch money you are entitled to, copy all financial documents, and if he does say he is leaving make sure you have plans in place for his 50:50 care of the DCs. I know that that is unlikely to be the scenario but don't let him walk away to a new life while you juggle DCs, job, home. From the start make sure he realises he is funding and caring for his children.
Hopefully it doesn't come to this but at least if you have a full plan in place the stress, fear and anxiety about how will you cope if he leaves is reduced, you are in a better place to discuss the future with him. (or without him). He has responsibilities though, don't let him off.

So very sorry you’re going through this OP, but it does sound like he’s having an affair.

His behaviour screams resentment because he’s more invested in the new relationship - he’s missed things like Valentines, Mother’s Day (what about birthdays, etc ?). He’s abruptly stopped the little romantic things - like texting you during the working day, cuddles when he gets home and he’s losing his temper easily.

The other things are massive red flags - deleting your photos and changing passwords. Not very subtle is he, and to say you should just trust him while all this is going on - WTAF !!!! It also sounds as though he’s hiding his earnings, but the biggest thing without doubt, is wanting to get a mortgage alone. In what universe does he think this will fly ?? I agree with PPs. He’s either getting a mortgage with the new woman and doesn’t want you to see the application, or he thinks if he buys it alone, you won’t have any claim on it.

He needs to know that he can’t just abandon his family and responsibilities so get some legal advice as to your rights for you and your children, and then confront him. I know the prospect is daunting but you already know in your gut what’ s happening, so don’t wait for the other shoe to drop.

@Blackcat88

I have mentioned and tried to talk about the the fact we barley see each other and he’ll just look at me and ‘i need to work’ etc. It’s a very sudden change in routine. We’ve been currently saving for a mortgage, I am on ML so obviously haven’t been working at the moment etc and he’s just (this week) mentioned that he’s going to be going for a mortgage by himself as he feels even with me working I don’t earn much (neither does he) and me being on the application will hinder it etc. So obviously just bullshit. He’s planning things without me and I know he wouldn’t be able to get a mortgage for a 3 bedroom house with his wage alone, so maybe I’m paranoid but he may have plans with someone else etc.

Yes I'd say that was bullshit and doesn't want to be co owner with you. If he owns the house he'll also have a bit more control over you. You can easily compare mortgages with online tools if either of you want to find out if your situation would be a hindrance.

I went through this, the complete distancing, not talking to me, always on his phone, not coming to bed etc etc.. turned out he was having an EA.

Kick him out op, why wait for him to leave? He is not interested in his marriage so why make it easy for him having a cushy life till he decides to leave.

Genuinely I think your best bet is to focus on your future.
Look at csa. Look at turn to use. Meticulously plan your return to work and childcare.

I would also start making plans, just like he has. Plan for a life without him, one where you don't have to rely on him either. Plan your return to work and childcare without him in mind, plan your housing and any possible benefits, without him. As much as he might have the kids, he also might not. My ex only ever had the kids when it suited him and when it fitted around his job. I paid for and planned 100% of their childcare and had to get maintenance through the CSA in the end because that become unreliable if exH had something more important come up!

I can only offer remote sympathy and support. It’s the most emotionally exhausting and painful thing to go through when a partner withdraws in this way prior to leaving. My only advice would be don’t let it drag on tiptoeing round hoping it gets better. You need to have a frank conversation with your DH and you need to get financial and legal advice. Think about what you and the DC will need moving forward in a scenario without him and what that may look like. If you want to try and save your relationship (if he also wants to) insist on counselling. It does not look good though. I am so sorry it’s a truly horrendous thing to go through, reach out to trusted friends and family, you will need support. Good luck

I usually play devils advocate but it does look like you could be spot on.

As PPs said, make sure you get your own stuff worked out in case he pulls the rug from under you x

Plenty of good advice on here.
Big HUG for you @Blackcat88. Men can be such ***.

Wow you can't move for red flags in your posts OP. He is definitely cheating and gearing up to leave. He just wants to do it in his own sweet time. You are going to have to find your anger and get tough.

Hi op has he lost his job? Just curious re wage slips.
He’s clearly lying to you.

You're going to need to parent together, I imagine? Sorry for what you are going through.

I'm so sorry OP, I think you need to get to the bottom of this, but it doesn't look good. Trust your gut.

The mortgage thing rings alarm bells - a friend of mine was very surprised one day to see a letter about her partner's joint mortgage application with another woman! I assume he was going to tell her the day he packed his things and moved out.

Get some legal and financial advice then take the upper hand and tell him it's over.

So sorry you are going through this, unfortunately I’ve been through similar. The distancing behaviour, avoiding being with you and secrecy with his phone were the same as what I experienced and deep down you know don’t you? I begged him to open up to me and tell me what was going on but he just wouldn’t until eventually I found proof.
Just be prepared for no matter how reasonable he may be when it all comes out this can change in an instant. Speaking to others who have been through the same it isn’t long before the lies, blaming you and changing their mind on any previously agreed settlements begins.
You will be ok though I promise. I let it drag on way too long even though I knew. It only prolongs the torture and will make you feel you are going mad. Good luck with everything. Stay strong x

I'd sit him down when he gets home from work tonight. Maybe, if you can, get family to care for DC, and say to him: Something very serious has happened. We need to talk. That will get his attention.

Then ask if he really wants to be one of the cliched statistic of marriages that collapse shortly after the second baby is born because temporarily the wife is distracted and has baby weight, and domestic life is temporarily tough.

Is he really that weak person who puts his willy before his children? Because you know he's checked out of the marriage and you are giving him one chance to check back in, because you believe he is better than that. You believe he is not so weak or selfish or stupid that he'd chuck away everything during the well-known most difficult year in all marriages - the year the second child is born.

If he starts blustering, just look him in the eye and say: I know what's going on. If he tries to question you, just repeat calmly, I know what's going on. Are you sure you want to put your aching balls before your newborn baby?

I might even hand him the baby and say: Look at this person. You made them. They are your responsibility and you have One Chance to step up, be a man and take proper responsibility. We love each other, we might have lost sight of that because I'm covered in baby puke and baby fat for now, but I thought you were man enough to see beyond that, to know that's a very short period of time. You can be strong or spineless. You can choose your penis or your children. But don't lie and muck about. We both know that is the choice. You choose tonight. Which has priority - the young children you brought into the world or the aching balls that want to sink into some woman at work who currently doesn't have baby fat and baby puke all over her, both of which are products of you bringing a child into the world.

Pre-empt him saying he's fallen in love, by telling him it's a cliche that men run off in the year the second child is born with the first woman who pays them attention. She seems so desirable in contrast with the domestic harridan looking after his children. But in reality it's just an escape route because any woman not covered in baby puke and looking sleep deprived is more attractive. But if he actually makes an effort to connect with his children, to love them and raise them and be a proper dad, and to love you and have fun and adventures along the way in his marriage to you, he will have a far happier more rewarding life than if he just focuses on scratching his current itch.

One chance: babies or balls. Choose tonight.

And don't give him a second chance.

I so despise men who think their willies are more valid than their children.

Sorry for this essay but I truly think too many men are allowed to scuttle off at this tough point in a marriage these days. We have become so morally spineless and I think whatever he chooses to do he should do it from a point of absolute clarity. If he does scuttle off it's because he loves his willy more than he loves his kids. He should acknowledge this. Don't make it easy by just silently gathering the children and coping with the pain. Make it as uncomfortably honest as you can.

He’s definitely checked out op. Mirrors exactly what happened when my DH was having an affair. They try to push you away as they want you to ultimately throw them out to avoid the guilt he would feel if he left of his own accord. He’s trying to find a way to exit the marriage. You need to get things prepared financially and be one step ahead of what is going round in his head.. He will not admit to ow unless you actually catch him out, and even then will minimalise the situation.

One chance: babies or balls.

I don't think that will work. He will choose balls because that's what he wants, sorry.

Anyway, if he's cheating why would you be giving him choices. Don't let him have all that control. Tell him he's a shit and he should leave.

Sounds bad, OP, sorry.
Maybe he's thinking of getting a mortgage on a flat to live in alone. For now.

I’m really sorry @Blackcat88 but I echo the others. Start planning and seek legal advice ASAP.

If you can get any proof of his savings, income etc then do so before you discuss this with him.

I’d get in there before him and see a solicitor so you and the children aren’t left high and dry.

Leave him before he leaves you. What is the point of being with someone who behaves like this?

He’s having an affair and is preparing to jump.

Get to a solicitor asap and start the ball rolling. Sounds like he’s been a bit pathetic after birth of recent baby and got his ego rubbed elsewhere. You don’t need him, OP, and will probably be better off financially without him.

I’m glad you have RL support.

Don’t expect any truth from him. Changing passwords is the exact reason why you can’t trust him, ditto the missing ‘overtime’. Is there anyone at his workplace that you know? Or maybe park round the corner when it’s the end of his shift and he’s doing ‘overtime’ to see what he does? Leave the littles with a relative?

I’d get to a solicitor pronto. Get copies of all the financial information you can. Start preparing yourself and your family (or those you can trust). Then talk to him and tell him you’re not stupid and you know what’s going on.