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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gut feeling husband is going to leave me soon.

622 replies

Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 01:36

I feel somewhat silly for writing this as I’m genuinely not sure what to think and haven’t been in this situation with him before. For some months I’ve noticed my DH has distanced himself from me quite a bit and has missed big events (in our relationship) like valentines, Mother’s Day etc. I feel like he’s been avoiding me and not making any effort anymore. He’s locked down his social media too, as I called out the fact he had randomly started following A number of women on SM which generally wasn’t a problem but the amount in a short space of time was. I have the gut feeling it’s someone from work as he has stopped texting me on breaks etc (which he always did before) and I found pictures of me in his recently deleted folder in his phone so there are no pictures of me in there anymore.

I’ve found he’s blowing up over the silliest things. He makes minimal eye contact and often comes home from his night shift and instead of getting into bed for a cuddle like he used to (before the kids get me up) he’ll stay downstairs, and go up when we’re up and often be up there for some time awake etc. It feels almost like resentment.

He’s working an increasing amount of overtime and seems to have no time for me anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 11:55

And I did make it clear that my savings will not be used if he is solely on the mortgage. I then asked how he’s going to find a big enough deposit etc and he said his mother has offered to lend him the money which I find odd as she hasn’t spoken to me about it etc and we are quite close.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 11:56

Our tenancy is up in November, and he did mention that he would be hoping to get the ball rolling for the mortgage by the end of the year.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 31/03/2021 11:58

@Blackcat88

And I did make it clear that my savings will not be used if he is solely on the mortgage. I then asked how he’s going to find a big enough deposit etc and he said his mother has offered to lend him the money which I find odd as she hasn’t spoken to me about it etc and we are quite close.
Call her and thank her for her very generous offer. She might have no idea what you're talking about.

Also, even if the house is in his sole name, you will still own half of it as you're married. Is he aware of that?

FortunesFave · 31/03/2021 11:58

Tell his Mother what he's said about not putting you on the mortgage and about her lending him money. Arsehole he is. OP you MUST see a legal expert....he might move out and leave you high and dry while he shacks up with his other woman.

Tootsee · 31/03/2021 12:01

I would say that I’m off to my dm’s for a couple of days. Then I would leave my kids there and come back that night, to see if he had anyone over. To cover your self, in case there isn’t anyone there, just say that you have left the kids there and come back so that you can have some time to yourselves to talk.

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 12:01

I think he assumes that if he’s on the mortgage he’ll get to stay in the property and I’ll have to leave.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 31/03/2021 12:01

@Blackcat88

Our tenancy is up in November, and he did mention that he would be hoping to get the ball rolling for the mortgage by the end of the year.
It looks like his plan is to just walk away from you and the tenancy into his new house, in his own name, with his new partner. You have to admit it's a good plan. He is way ahead of you, you need to get on this. You need to set up an appointment with a solicitor asap. You don't have to act on anything but you should prepare yourself so that when he pulls the rug out from under you it's a surprise for him, not you.
AryaStarkWolf · 31/03/2021 12:03

What do you think you'll do OP? Have you spoken to anyone in R/L about it?

WallaceinAnderland · 31/03/2021 12:04

@Blackcat88

I think he assumes that if he’s on the mortgage he’ll get to stay in the property and I’ll have to leave.
It will depend. If your tenancy ends and he says, right that's it, I'm off you might not have any right to enter his new property. If you and the children move in first and then he breaks it off, you might have some right to stay there or he might have to sell it and split the proceeds.

This is why you need legal advice.

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 12:04

@AryaStarkWolf

What do you think you'll do OP? Have you spoken to anyone in R/L about it?
I have briefly spoken to my mum who is a massive help and has basically said it’s obvious what he’s doing and she’s disgusted in him etc. She’s advised me to get legal advice and maybe even leave him high and dry with the rent here and start a new tenancy.
OP posts:
SeaShoreGalore · 31/03/2021 12:05

LOL at the idea of two blokes having a couple of beers and watching Outnumbered together Grin

whymewhyme · 31/03/2021 12:06

Oh gosh how awfull, what a terrible person he is!

Keep it all under your hat and ring a solicitor today, dont hang about!

Original poster
Blackcat88 · 31/03/2021 12:07

@SeaShoreGalore

LOL at the idea of two blokes having a couple of beers and watching Outnumbered together Grin
I know it’s such a shit excuse 😂!
OP posts:
sadie9 · 31/03/2021 12:07

Sorry to say this but search your bed for hairs that are clearly not yours. If another woman has been there, there will be hairs from her head on pillows or sofa.
It seems unusual they watched 'Friends' on Netflix.
You seem to be minimising things a bit. Your partner has told you he's going to buy a house and just put his name on it. That's not OK.
Were you someone who already had suspicions or checked his phones and social media a lot?
Why would you have been doing that in the first place?

TaraR2020 · 31/03/2021 12:08

I like your mum.

I wouldn't be surprised if he starts living with someone else, this is all starting to feel too familiar.

Even if he's not cheating on you (and every alarm bell suggests that he is) the way he is treating you is disgusting. Take your mums advice, consult a solicitor and get your own stuff in order.

Flowers
roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 31/03/2021 12:11

He's an arsehole but you have kids with him and you want that to go as easily as possible. I'm not sure setting cameras etc up is going to do anything but antagonise. You need to put him on the back foot. I'd sit him down and ask when he was planning to tell you that he was leaving you and the kids for Barry. That he should be an adult about it and tell the truth so that you can make both plans for the kids.

Thisgirlcando · 31/03/2021 12:12

This sounds awful. I know it seems like snooping but I would go with the camera so that you have evidence if you need it. Is there such a thing as a recording baby monitor so you can explain why it’s there if he finds it? I would worry about making him angry/suspicious of you

FortunesFave · 31/03/2021 12:13

@Blackcat88

I think he assumes that if he’s on the mortgage he’ll get to stay in the property and I’ll have to leave.
He definitely assumes that...this is why it's much better for you to see someone immediately so you can avoid prolonged messes. If he buys somewhere with another woman, THEN leaves you, it's going to be very hard for you to get some financial help from him. Basically, he owes you half his assets but he seems to be planning on buying somewhere with someone else...complicating things. If she helps him buy then the house will be half HERS.
Cakequeen1988 · 31/03/2021 12:14

Oh Op, I feel for you! What a situation to be in with 2 small children.

Like others have said, get prepared, he’s leaving and if he’s not he’s been so disrespectful why would you stay?

You have shared this with your mum so I would spend this afternoon whilst he is at work collecting all paperwork in the house in a box/bag and giving it to your mum for safe keeping. You don’t even need to read it at this stage but make sure you have it all. Bank statements, rental agreements, photos of his wage slips, p60’s etc and put yours and the children’s passports and birth certificates, marriage certificates in the box too! You will need all these forms of ID when engaging a solicitor, doing a mortgage application etc and knowing it is out of your house and safe will put your mind at rest.

Meanwhile I’d contact the letting agency and check your liability for the property. What happens if you left and took another tenancy? Would you be liable - check.

Enlist a solicitor, many are of course doing online appointments now and the first meeting is often free and I found that useful as she gave me a lot of valuable info during that session.

The website entitledto is great at calculating what benefits you could apply for today whilst on ML and going forward when back at work. As is the child maintenance calculator. This will help you draw out a budget. I did this and it put my mind at rest immensely to know I could do it alone and afford to live!

Be proactive and pull the rug, you are worth so so much more than this! Good luck I will be following your thread and rooting for you.

BehindMyEyes · 31/03/2021 12:17

He's making life miserable for all to justify his thoughts/plans to leave . He is however a stupid arse ( as well as a c*nt) if he's thinking about buying a property while still married . It does sound as if he has met someone else .

AryaStarkWolf · 31/03/2021 12:22

I have briefly spoken to my mum who is a massive help and has basically said it’s obvious what he’s doing and she’s disgusted in him etc. She’s advised me to get legal advice and maybe even leave him high and dry with the rent here and start a new tenancy.

Sounds like good advice, I'm glad you have some r/l support, it's going to be a life line for you. Really sorry you have to go through this but you can get through this

Tankflybosswalkjam · 31/03/2021 12:22

Bloody hell. I wouldn’t even bother with cameras OP, you know all this anyway.

Get to a family law solicitor ASAP and protect yourself and your children from this morally bankrupt fool.

Berthatydfil · 31/03/2021 12:24

Get your ducks in a row - get details of his employer, his salary, copy his last p60, any pensions life assurance, if you know where he banks and where his savings are get copies and as much info as you can.
Do you have a joint account?
Whose name is all the bills in?
Look at entitled to to see what you can claim and look at CMS to see what he would have to pay in child support.
Think about residence and contact - is he a hands on dad ? could he do 50/50 ?

You could create a situation to catch him out or you could just take control of the narrative once you have your ducks in a row so putting him on the back foot and spoiling his plans.

Lindjam · 31/03/2021 12:25

So sorry OP but yes, the writing is on the wall here.

At least you are married so whatever is in his savings is joint money. I would get legal advice and take action before he can buy a property.

Good luck Flowers

WallaceinAnderland · 31/03/2021 12:27

She’s advised me to get legal advice and maybe even leave him high and dry with the rent here and start a new tenancy.

Is the tenancy in both names or just one of you?