I need to canvass opinions on a delicate matter

[MyBug]

I have name changed for this.
I have been with DP for 2.5 years. He is a lovely caring man and I want to stay with him.

The issue is the many not so great aspects of our sex life, but there's one that I really need opinions on. I genuinely need to know if I am reasonable feeling upset about it or whether I need to give my head a wobble.
I've sat on this for a few days but just keep going round in circles.
At the weekend we were DTD and when I climaxed DP was kissing me quite passionately. At first I thought that it was lovely, a way of connecting more with me in the moment. Then I realised that he was in fact trying to stop me expressing myself vocally. He was kissing me so that I did not make noise.
I felt really shocked and talked with him about it afterwards. He said that he thought it was wonderful that I was really enjoying myself but he didn't want the neighbours knowing our business, so basically could I be quieter. The bed is right over the other side from the partition wall btw in a decent sized room.
I don't think I am that loud tbh. We are not talking middle of the night here, next to their bedroom. The partition wall is a stairway wall and the sex I am talking about happens late mornings at the weekend. (that's another issue all by itself). No-one else is in his house.

Now I feel ashamed and sad. I have told him that I can't enjoy sex if I am worrying about making too much noise,( finally after years of having kids and teens in the house I don't have to be quiet) that I won't be able to express myself fully and that the chances are I simply won't be able to relax enough to cum /easily/ if at all anymore.
I felt silenced.
I would really like views on this. Am I right to feel sad or am I being really selfish by not considering his views on the neighbours?
Has anyone else been in or is in the same kind of position? How have you resolved things?

How loud are you realistically?

I'd feel awkward about the neighbours hearing and it does turn me off if I'm conscious they might hear. So it's kind of equally valid for him to find it off-putting.

Maybe you’re louder than you think you are?

I think you should be able to do what you want in your own house. It would put me off him to be honest

If it's late morning sex could you play music or something to cover it?

I've been the neighbour on the other side of the wall at ridiculous times of the night/ very early morning and to be honest, I ended up feeling really icky about being an unwilling voyeur in my neighbour's very loud, film-style screams of ecstasy.

Having said that, if it was late morning, I wouldn't really care. You're not waking anyone up, your neighbours are likely already up and about and doing stuff so might not even be in their bedroom.

Ultimately though, that's not your issue. Your DP finds your noise and it's potential implications uncomfortable, and you find having to be quieter uncomfortable. Is there a mutual compromise you can find?

You are way over thinking this. He had a good reason to quieten you and it was absolutely non judgemental. Stop being ridiculous you are making a mountain out of a mole hill

@Littlepaws18

You are way over thinking this. He had a good reason to quieten you and it was absolutely non judgemental. Stop being ridiculous you are making a mountain out of a mole hill

What reason ? Do you live next to a convent ? I'm sure you can do whatever you like in your own house ? I doubt she's screaming the place down.

You're being ridiculously over dramatic with your 'I feel silenced'.

Sure, I can understand that it may have felt a little embarrassing...but unless your dh has some kind of weirdo fetish of you lying there actually silently, I think it's likely that you're just really loud!

A pp makes a good point about this being a two way street and you screaming out may well be just as off putting for your dh.

If this is only one of the "many not so great aspects" of your sex life then it's time for THE TALK. Improvement will not come about by magic, sex, like other aspects of a relationship, needs to be discussed and mutually satisfactory solutions agreed on.

Clearly you have other issues with this relationship

Good grief. As long as it isn't late hours when people are sleeping, who cares if you express yourself.

I've heard people DTD plenty of times and usually have a giggle.

We had a washing machine that made rude bed squeaking noises for about a week until it was fixed, and we'd laugh as we reckoned the neighbours thought it was us!

Thanks for the opinions. I don't think I am too loud. Certainly nowhere near screaming or shouting. I guess loud moaning, for a pretty short period. I am certainly NOT vocal all the way through.
DP is on the whole quite sexually repressed/conservative. Maybe we are just a bad match sexually. It's very hard actual room in the neighbours' house.

@Anothernick

If this is only one of the "many not so great aspects" of your sex life then it's time for THE TALK. Improvement will not come about by magic, sex, like other aspects of a relationship, needs to be discussed and mutually satisfactory solutions agreed on.

We have talked, a lot . I have a higher sex drive than him. I also like oral and different positions , different rooms. Nothing anyone would consider 'out there' by any means, all the normal stuff I have had with previous partners. He doesn't like any of that. The conversation always goes the same way. I suggest we try different stuff he says yes and then wants to do things the same way each time. It's getting a bit tedious.

My ex used to put his hand over my mouth. In a domineering way not in a stfu way...

This morning I suggested we knock sex on the head for a while. I couldn't imagine telling him how to express himself sexually.

I live in a semi detached and think I'd want to shut you up too! very off putting.

Well, you don't want to leave him.
You've talked & he won't change
That leaves you with putting up with it really, doesn't it?

Major over reaction.
He didnt silence you he kissed you if he really wanted to silence you I'm sure he probably wouldve covered your mouth with something other than his lips

A) Is it your home or his? If it’s your property, he has no right to silence you.

B) You could completely reframe this in your mind and look at a gentle kiss or hand over your mouth as quite sexy, some people actively enjoy this.

C) Turn up the television or radio or whatever’s around just for that short time.

To me, it does feel a bit cruel to rain on someone’s parade when they’re having a really good time, but we’re all different and some are more deeply private than others.

Given your update it sounds like you’re sexually incompatible

Express yourself yes, but don't put your neighbors through it, no one wants to hear to it. I'm quite loud too, and I really enjoy "expressing myself", but when you have neighbours you have to be considerate to a degree (although I haven't always been )

Yea we are sexually incompatible but as has been said I have to decided whether to put up with it.

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants

Well, you don't want to leave him. You've talked & he won't change That leaves you with putting up with it really, doesn't it?

This.

@SouthernBounce

A) Is it your home or his? If it’s your property, he has no right to silence you.

B) You could completely reframe this in your mind and look at a gentle kiss or hand over your mouth as quite sexy, some people actively enjoy this.

C) Turn up the television or radio or whatever’s around just for that short time.

To me, it does feel a bit cruel to rain on someone’s parade when they’re having a really good time, but we’re all different and some are more deeply private than others.

This is in his property, in mine there are teens. I will try and reframe it thank you. Before him I spent far too many years with an abusive man( father of my dc). I don’t know whether my reaction is a knee jerk one to that- my ex was not sexually abusive though, but violent and controlling.