I need to canvass opinions on a delicate matter

[MyBug]

I have name changed for this.
I have been with DP for 2.5 years. He is a lovely caring man and I want to stay with him.

The issue is the many not so great aspects of our sex life, but there's one that I really need opinions on. I genuinely need to know if I am reasonable feeling upset about it or whether I need to give my head a wobble.
I've sat on this for a few days but just keep going round in circles.
At the weekend we were DTD and when I climaxed DP was kissing me quite passionately. At first I thought that it was lovely, a way of connecting more with me in the moment. Then I realised that he was in fact trying to stop me expressing myself vocally. He was kissing me so that I did not make noise.
I felt really shocked and talked with him about it afterwards. He said that he thought it was wonderful that I was really enjoying myself but he didn't want the neighbours knowing our business, so basically could I be quieter. The bed is right over the other side from the partition wall btw in a decent sized room.
I don't think I am that loud tbh. We are not talking middle of the night here, next to their bedroom. The partition wall is a stairway wall and the sex I am talking about happens late mornings at the weekend. (that's another issue all by itself). No-one else is in his house.

Now I feel ashamed and sad. I have told him that I can't enjoy sex if I am worrying about making too much noise,( finally after years of having kids and teens in the house I don't have to be quiet) that I won't be able to express myself fully and that the chances are I simply won't be able to relax enough to cum /easily/ if at all anymore.
I felt silenced.
I would really like views on this. Am I right to feel sad or am I being really selfish by not considering his views on the neighbours?
Has anyone else been in or is in the same kind of position? How have you resolved things?

I did that because I’m fed up. I’m fed up of always being turned down, I’m fed up of him not taking on board any of the gentle suggestions I’ve made as to what works well for me. I’m bored of the same time same place same thing. I was hoping that if he didn’t always get it when he wants how he wants that he might buck his ideas up.
Since I will now feel very self conscious anyway the chances are I won’t cum either- just to add insult to injury.

OP, in many regards he sounds like a bog standards sexually selfish man.

I'm genuinely surprised that so many posters here think it is ok for a man to dictate to a woman how she expresses her sexual pleasure. Because that it is not just about the vocalisation but also about the repression of her sexual pleasure. And its shaming. And all that especially in this case where with thick walls of an old house, the bed not adjacent to the party wall, and the wall adjoining the neighbour's stair well, so that the excuse that ' you need to be quiet or the neighbours will hear' is clearly made up nonsense by her partner.

Well you’ve stated you aren’t going to leave him over this and he’s made it clear he’s unwilling to change so what are you hoping for by posting this?

@whitespotsgreenleaves

OP, in many regards he sounds like a bog standards sexually selfish man.

I'm genuinely surprised that so many posters here think it is ok for a man to dictate to a woman how she expresses her sexual pleasure. Because that it is not just about the vocalisation but also about the repression of her sexual pleasure. And its shaming. And all that especially in this case where with thick walls of an old house, the bed not adjacent to the party wall, and the wall adjoining the neighbour's stair well, so that the excuse that ' you need to be quiet or the neighbours will hear' is clearly made up nonsense by her partner.

Do you still intend to settle for bad sex for the rest of your life? No one here can make you leave this guy. Move on if you're not getting what you need from this relationship.

Sorry @whitespotsgreenleaves. Previous message was for @MyBug.

Doesn’t sound like much of a goer, sadly.

Relationship-wise and sex-wise.

It’s a shame, maybe it’s crunch time. He’ll either think (unlikely) and want to discuss (also unlikely) or praps this is the end of the road.

There’s someone out there more suited to you, OP.

Then there’s the “loud moaning” ? We’ve all had sex and there is no need for it

For you maybe. Doesn't mean it's the same for everyone.
Were you able to control the noise you made when giving birth? Lucky you if you were. Most of us can't.
Some of us do moan or groan during sex, and being asked to stifle it will be inhibiting.
I'd recommend the third option .... music or TV on. And if he still tries his tricks then he's not for you.
As for the rest ..... have you actually tried other places?

@whitespotsgreenleaves that’s exactly it. You have summed up how I feel. Thank you.
Years ago I watched a tv series called the Devil’s Whore. It was excellent and set in 17th century England around the time of Cromwell. The heroine was initially married to a man who would put his hand over her mouth if she made noises during sex. At the end she remarries and has good sex with a husband who accepts all of her.
I remember at the time thinking how awful it was that her expression of sexual pleasure was denied.
@mackleless I was hoping for comments that would help un muddle my head- help me understand why the whole incident left a bad taste. Many posters have really helpful in getting to the heart of the issue. I’m not sure I could have done that myself.
Years in a previous abusive relationship left my confidence on the floor and I was always in the wrong.
As to what I will do now- I don’t know. I suspect dp has serious and ingrained sexual issues. I can keep suggesting new things, ways round problems. It might work once or twice then he reverts back. It becomes exhausting to keep voicing the same need over and over.

[quote MyBug]@whitespotsgreenleaves that’s exactly it. You have summed up how I feel. Thank you.
Years ago I watched a tv series called the Devil’s Whore. It was excellent and set in 17th century England around the time of Cromwell. The heroine was initially married to a man who would put his hand over her mouth if she made noises during sex. At the end she remarries and has good sex with a husband who accepts all of her.
I remember at the time thinking how awful it was that her expression of sexual pleasure was denied.
@mackleless I was hoping for comments that would help un muddle my head- help me understand why the whole incident left a bad taste. Many posters have really helpful in getting to the heart of the issue. I’m not sure I could have done that myself.
Years in a previous abusive relationship left my confidence on the floor and I was always in the wrong.
As to what I will do now- I don’t know. I suspect dp has serious and ingrained sexual issues. I can keep suggesting new things, ways round problems. It might work once or twice then he reverts back. It becomes exhausting to keep voicing the same need over and over.[/quote]
You get that it's not your job to fix his sexual issues, right? People keep telling you to end it if it's not working but you keep ignoring them. Your choice is to stay or leave.

@BlackMarauder I’m not ignoring. I’m working things out.

What I don't understand is why you're deciding to stick around for crap sex with a man who makes you feel ashamed and silenced and who you don't anticipate having any pleasure from any sex you do have now?

What's the point?
What are you doing it for?

Surely you'd be better off with a vibrator and your self-respect?

@category12 I think since the OP was in an abusive relationship for years before, and it skewed her views on healthy relationships and self esteem. She might be terrified to be on her own, thinking a bad relationship is better than none at all.

I'm generally of the view that the person who doesn't want to do something in the bedroom has the casting vote.
If he doesn't want to have sex in different rooms etc then he doesn't have to and nor should be expected to because his partner says so.
Equally, if being able to do the various bedroom things you enjoy is a must-have for you (and zero judgement here btw because we all deserve a sex life that makes us happy) then this isn't the relationship for you.

It sounds like you're staying in a relationship that isn't sexually satisfying you and are hoping that if you withhold sex for a while (conveniently after a disagreement about sex) that he'll back down and you can continue being in this comfortable relationship whilst the sexual incompatibility bubbles under the surface.

Just end it already for good ness sake.

I would add an element of caution though, as said most people find moaning so loud that folks in the next house could likely hear cringe and a turn off, so you may run into thr same issue again. Hopefully you meet thr rare man who likes it though and you can both out do each other 😂

I think with the additional info in the follow up posts you're not being unreasonable at all and you deserve far more from your sex love.

After leaving an abusive ex you don't need to be with someone who shames you for expressing your pleasure. You should be having the time of your life and making the most do your freedom!!

He does sound like he has his own issues and hang ups around sex but you've tried your best, told him what you need/want and he's either unable or unwilling to meet that.

If you really care for him maybe some therapy to get to the root of why he can't let go and enjoy himself??! I've yet to meet a guy who's not up for trying new things, new places and I'm sure the majority of men would love to hear their partners enjoying it.

If you're DTD and all he's got on his mind are what the neighbours think then that says a lot about his frame of mind during sex and the level of repression.

I do feel a bit sorry for him if he's unable to relax, enjoy it and experiment a bit more so if he's open to it therapy might be an option.

With my exH we got into a rut for a long time and it was so predictable, always in our bed at same time and on certain evenings 😴
We talked about it, said we'd both make more effort etc. it lasted a few weeks then back to same old! It's not the only reason we split but to me it's different as our sex life was so good I the beginning so it was a sign of other problems for us

I think your making a mountain of a mole hill to be honest.

I mean yes, you can be as loud as you want in your own house but some, like my own DP, dont like the neighbours knowing. Embarrassment incase they see them more than anything. It may not bother you but it obviously bothers your DP.

I just put a pillow over my mouth

I’m wondering if you see sex as lust and he sees it more as love? It struck me that he “silenced” you with passionate kissing which is actually quite sweet and loving-but you saw it as a negative. You seem very focussed on the acts of sex and pleasure which is fine but what about intimacy and gentle low key connection? Is your need for lust something Unresolved for you? And you’re moving onto him and seeing him as repressed? It sounds like you’re sexually stuck in some ways trying to prove how sexy you are and in some kind of carnal indulgent phase- almost more teenage than the forties/fifties I’m assuming you are with teenage or grown up children?

You need to talk and perhaps consider relationship counselling to work through this if the rest of the relationship is worth sticking at this.

I feel like you might fear intimacy. But I could be completely wrong.

If you're DTD and all he's got on his mind are what the neighbours think then that says a lot about his frame of mind during sex and the level of repression

I don’t think that’s right, I think if you’re having sex and your partner starts making so much noise that the neighbours could possibly hear many people would be immediately cringing and distracted.

I have to agree with isadora. I wonder if you are of the impression this is some how sexy and you’re not focused on intimacy. And you’ve maybe just realised he doesn’t find it sexy at all.

@Bluntness100

If you're DTD and all he's got on his mind are what the neighbours think then that says a lot about his frame of mind during sex and the level of repression

I don’t think that’s right, I think if you’re having sex and your partner starts making so much noise that the neighbours could possibly hear many people would be immediately cringing and distracted.

I have to agree with isadora. I wonder if you are of the impression this is some how sexy and you’re not focused on intimacy. And you’ve maybe just realised he doesn’t find it sexy at all.

I guess it depends on the level of noise. Tbh when I read OPs first post I didn't understand the issue and could understand the bit about the neighbours etc However, that's just one factor. It's the general lack of interest, the fact its always in bed, same position, lack of willingness (or perhaps able-ness) to try and meet her needs or explore what she's interested in that I couldn't tolerate.

I'd agree with OP that he seems very repressed and she's looking for some excitement and adventure.

Some couples might be happier with routine and the level of comfort from always doing the same things in the same place.
Personally I not only found this a turn off but it also made me feel undesirable and not very sexy as it didn't create the vibe that my exH actually wanted me! (Like I said it was one of many issues we had but I sympathise with how OP feels, especially after she's spent years in an abusive relationship)

Itlod, I agree with you, which is why I commented earlier that it is likely, in fact a given that they are both dissatisfied. He’s clearly articulated now he wants her to keep it down as she’s so loud he thinks the neighbours can hear and she’s saying he’s repressed and not up for what she wants. It appears neither of them are particularly pleased with the others sexual performance.

@Isadora2007 we have a lot of low key intimacy- a lot and I really like that . I do wish we had the occasional bit of passionate sex like we did at the start of the relationship.
I enjoy sex and wish I had it more often with more variety. I am naturally more vocal when I climax but I do not shout the house down. I certainly won't be making any noise now, if I manage to climax at all.
He is a worrier about life in general.

OP, remember your clmax comes first. It is natural to make noises during sex, and as you say you do not shout the house down ..

I have found that the quieter peoople during sex are the ones who have had children. That can become a lifestyle changer.

The bigger concern l have is that if l’m heard the noise could be misconstrued as something bad. years ago on a camping holiday, l was having sex with someone in the tent during the day when someone walking past asked asked if l was alrightif or if l wanted them to call the police.

So unless you are in that scenario, l think you should spell out that you will not be silenced.

So when you're at your own home and being quiet because of the children, do you never climax?

Do doesn’t bother to try 😢

Is being with him worth it?