I need to canvass opinions on a delicate matter

[MyBug]

I have name changed for this.
I have been with DP for 2.5 years. He is a lovely caring man and I want to stay with him.

The issue is the many not so great aspects of our sex life, but there's one that I really need opinions on. I genuinely need to know if I am reasonable feeling upset about it or whether I need to give my head a wobble.
I've sat on this for a few days but just keep going round in circles.
At the weekend we were DTD and when I climaxed DP was kissing me quite passionately. At first I thought that it was lovely, a way of connecting more with me in the moment. Then I realised that he was in fact trying to stop me expressing myself vocally. He was kissing me so that I did not make noise.
I felt really shocked and talked with him about it afterwards. He said that he thought it was wonderful that I was really enjoying myself but he didn't want the neighbours knowing our business, so basically could I be quieter. The bed is right over the other side from the partition wall btw in a decent sized room.
I don't think I am that loud tbh. We are not talking middle of the night here, next to their bedroom. The partition wall is a stairway wall and the sex I am talking about happens late mornings at the weekend. (that's another issue all by itself). No-one else is in his house.

Now I feel ashamed and sad. I have told him that I can't enjoy sex if I am worrying about making too much noise,( finally after years of having kids and teens in the house I don't have to be quiet) that I won't be able to express myself fully and that the chances are I simply won't be able to relax enough to cum /easily/ if at all anymore.
I felt silenced.
I would really like views on this. Am I right to feel sad or am I being really selfish by not considering his views on the neighbours?
Has anyone else been in or is in the same kind of position? How have you resolved things?

The specific incident you reference seems very storm in a teacup to me.

But with the additional detail, i.e. you find him very sexually conservative and repressed and discussion isn't fixing it, I think you feel so strongly about it because it's symptomatic of the fact your sex life isn't working for you. You don't feel silenced because he put his hand over your mouth one time, you feel silenced because you don't feel your sexual needs and preferences are being listened to in general.

@ScarfaceCwaw yes- I think you've hit the nail on the head.

It's a mess for so many reasons and being able to express myself was the one thing I had that suited my needs. Now I haven't got that either.

If it's his house, could it be one of his neighbours has made a comment to him from a previous time and he didn't want to embarrass you by telling you?

This is not controlling at all, and I believe him when he says he doesn’t want the neighbours knowing his business.
I wouldn’t want my neighbours hearing either, but I’ve refrained from silencing anybody, life is too short. Also, I'm not chatty with neighbours nor sit down with them, so maybe that makes a difference. If they had known me a long time, I’d probably be a bit embarrassed.

Now the warm weather is approaching, with windows open, these things can easily be heard.

I think two seperate issues. If you’re not sexually compatible then it’s likely to cause issues in the future.

Then there’s the “loud moaning” ? We’ve all had sex and there is no need for it.Most people can enjoy sex without it being something so loud the neighbours could hear. And from what you say the neighbours might be able to hear because you’re that loud.

If making a lot of noise is what you need to get you off, then again this raises a compatibility issue. And to be honest, you’re likely to be incompatible with most people. Maybe you need to find someone who moans as Loudly as you do, and you can both crack on?

You are definitely louder than you think you are!

This is in his property, in mine there are teens

So presumably you’re saying you don’t have the freedom to express yourself in your own house because the teens might hear. But your DP is self-conscious about his neighbours hearing and that’s not valid for some reason?

@BurgundyBells

You're being ridiculously over dramatic with your 'I feel silenced'.

Sure, I can understand that it may have felt a little embarrassing...but unless your dh has some kind of weirdo fetish of you lying there actually silently, I think it's likely that you're just really loud!

A pp makes a good point about this being a two way street and you screaming out may well be just as off putting for your dh.

Totally agree with this. I feel silenced made me laugh

How long have you been with your dh? I ask because he might of got into a habit because haveing to be quite around the dcs. My dp has always done that to quieten me. Have you had any nights away where you can both enjoy each other?

@Kittykat93 why on earth would my emotional distress make you laugh? How odd.
Well in all my years of sexual partners I've never had anyone say anything about me being too loud, but then all my previous partners were also much more 'normal' as far as attitudes to sex are concerned and were also much more vocal them he is.
I am genuinely not screaming the house down.

I think it's odd this boyfriend wants to silence you. Are you not capable of making your mind up about whether your 'noise' is acceptable and to whom?
You are being precious at all - your boyfriend is.

You're certainly being ridiculously overdramatic with your 'I feel silenced' and you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

You're noisy during sex - and how noisy is something you can't possibly judge - and it embarrasses your other half because he doesn't want people to hear, an entirely normal and understandable response. Some people get embarrassed by things like that.

It's only on Mumsnet that you get all the Cool Girls saying that screaming like like a porn performer is totally acceptable and that he's somehow curtailing your freedom if he'd rather you didn't. And now you and your cheerleaders have worked this up into 'we're incompatible' and your relationship's going down the toilet...

Sheesh! Try looking at it from his point of view - the fact that you can't or don't suggest a much more real incompatibility.

I don't scream like a porn star. I am not a fan of that level of noise. Some women are very vocal and others prefer to be quiet, others are in the middle.
Everything regarding sex is from his POV and when and how he wants it. That is part of the problem.
I have no cheerleaders just helpful and not so helpful suggestions.
yes we are incompatible sexually that much is obvious to everybody.

[quote MyBug]@Kittykat93 why on earth would my emotional distress make you laugh? How odd.
Well in all my years of sexual partners I've never had anyone say anything about me being too loud, but then all my previous partners were also much more 'normal' as far as attitudes to sex are concerned and were also much more vocal them he is.
I am genuinely not screaming the house down.[/quote]
Again with the dramatics...I'm laughing at your emotional distress what the hell?? I'm laughing at your use of the term 'I feel silenced'. You are being ridiculous..most people wouldnt want a partner moaning loud enough for neighbours to hear.

Have you phrased it like that?

"Everything regarding sex is from his POV and when and how he wants it. That is part of the problem."

Because I think there he may be seeing it as 'I'm not comfortable with xyz, I'm perfectly happy with abc' and not realising he's getting his own way about a really important part of your shared life.

Rent a place somewhere once a month and get it out of your system, though he may still not get much from that.

I am surprised it still turns you on to do it, even though you’ve come to realise he’s not that into the noise. Is it surprising he won’t indulge you if you’re not taking any hints either.

Maybe you could cut a deal, you agree to keep it down to a dull roar, and he agrees to christen whichever room of your choosing.

This may reveal me to be really boring, but which of the two of you will clean those kitchen counters, the dining’s table, the sofa, and so on... all sounds a bit exhausting, and a bit ah, sticky, to me.

@Kittykat93 the fact was pointed out to me that it is about feeling I have no voice generally when is come to my sexual needs and desires. That there is little or no compromise or desire/ attempt to meet at least part of my needs, if there were some degree of compromise then I wouldn’t have felt so cross about what happened at the weekend.
I feel we do it all on his terms.

@SouthernBounce it’s turning me on less and less tbh. Why would he bother when he gets it all his way? I was hoping he would enjoy pleasing me in the way I enjoy pleasing him.
I am making him sound like an arse. He isn’t in every other aspect of our lives. It’s the sex. I have never met another man with this attitude.

With the added detail, I'd say you guys aren't compatible.

I don't think there's anything too unusual about not wanting to give the neighbours an earful. I enjoy sex, but it puts me off if I think the neighbours can hear.

But the fact he's very uptight in lots of other ways sexually and you feel it is all on his terms means you're just not suited.

From your description of the house there is very little chance of the neighbours hearing unless you are extremely loud and they are walking up the stairs at the exact moment that you climax.

It seems to be the problem is his extreme inhibitions and conservatism around sex, not at all the layout of the house.
I am a bit appalled at the people telling you that you are the problem and need to 'reframe'. You are being silenced, and by a guy with weird sex hang ups. You need to face up to that and whether that is what you want from your sex life, not 'reframe it'.

Having said that, as others have said, you have bigger problems than this one unpleasant incident. You either have to accept an inhibited and unhappy sex life that will probably dwindle to nothing, or move on and find someone you can be all of yourself with.

This would 100% turn me off. Your noise is a demonstration of your enjoyment and its more important to him that the neighbours don't hear than that you get to enjoy yourself fully. That's sad.

And I think it's sad others have said you're the problem. Genuinely I could scream the house down and I know my husband wouldn't silence me.

I think you are somewhat over thinking this, this is not something that is a deal breaker in a relationship surely. You have,and enjoy sex with your partner, but some noisy sex on your part,is just your annoyance now, that your partner feels bad about some things, Just as well he isn't also a bit noisy during sex, as the neighbours would get double the noise !

Some neighbours won't like to hear sex noise next door,some won't care, and some would find it quite funny. I don't think your partner is being unreasonable,as he is more private, and reserved during sex, and you are not being unreasonable either,as you respond differently in the the throes of passion.
Maybe you should put on about four Covid masks, to dull your passion noise,so things won't be heard by anyone, !!

There is very little chance of them hearing.
God what a mess.
Sometimes I really want to shout. 'do you still not know where my clitoris is?"- yes it's minor miracle that I ever get to the point of climaxing at all.
But on the other hand I really love him and he makes most of my life so much better than it would be without him there. He clearly has sexual hang ups, a lot of them.
I started this because I wanted to understand what was going on in my head.
I have suggested to him that we use a different room, one where there are no neighbours. It is an old house with very thick walls. Knowing him as I do it will be bed as normal though.