I need to canvass opinions on a delicate matter

[MyBug]

I have name changed for this.
I have been with DP for 2.5 years. He is a lovely caring man and I want to stay with him.

The issue is the many not so great aspects of our sex life, but there's one that I really need opinions on. I genuinely need to know if I am reasonable feeling upset about it or whether I need to give my head a wobble.
I've sat on this for a few days but just keep going round in circles.
At the weekend we were DTD and when I climaxed DP was kissing me quite passionately. At first I thought that it was lovely, a way of connecting more with me in the moment. Then I realised that he was in fact trying to stop me expressing myself vocally. He was kissing me so that I did not make noise.
I felt really shocked and talked with him about it afterwards. He said that he thought it was wonderful that I was really enjoying myself but he didn't want the neighbours knowing our business, so basically could I be quieter. The bed is right over the other side from the partition wall btw in a decent sized room.
I don't think I am that loud tbh. We are not talking middle of the night here, next to their bedroom. The partition wall is a stairway wall and the sex I am talking about happens late mornings at the weekend. (that's another issue all by itself). No-one else is in his house.

Now I feel ashamed and sad. I have told him that I can't enjoy sex if I am worrying about making too much noise,( finally after years of having kids and teens in the house I don't have to be quiet) that I won't be able to express myself fully and that the chances are I simply won't be able to relax enough to cum /easily/ if at all anymore.
I felt silenced.
I would really like views on this. Am I right to feel sad or am I being really selfish by not considering his views on the neighbours?
Has anyone else been in or is in the same kind of position? How have you resolved things?

My partner kisses me too cos of the neighbours cos I tend to moan a lot when climaxing and I don't mind because honestly I might be louder than I think I am :-)

@Bluntness100 indeed. His sexual repression has been evident from the beginning and since I was not offered the opportunity to moan and groan for a good deal of time It isn’t connected with that.
I will investigate counselling and see if he would be up for that.

Ironically the bedroom is probably the worst possible room if he is worried about noise that the neighbours can’t hear.
There are other rooms with no party wall. Yet I’m sure he will stick with the bed and the bedroom as per usual.

@MyBug I'm really not sure what you're looking into counselling to fix. You're thinking if you fix his sexual repression then everything will be fine. But I bet you refuse to see how his unwillingness to try new things tends to leak into other areas of your life. Why is it so hard for you to walk away from this guy? Are you afraid to be alone? I think you should seek counselling but for yourself.

You made him uncomfortable during sex and then he made you uncomfortable by communicating that.

Neither of you are wrong. You need to both compromise and discuss. I think you are being very dramatic to be honest.

sounds like you're very resentful of him. Maybe time to just cut loose. a roll in the hay might be therapeutic.

[quote BlackMarauder]@MyBug I'm really not sure what you're looking into counselling to fix. You're thinking if you fix his sexual repression then everything will be fine. But I bet you refuse to see how his unwillingness to try new things tends to leak into other areas of your life. Why is it so hard for you to walk away from this guy? Are you afraid to be alone? I think you should seek counselling but for yourself.[/quote]
Because he is a really loving and considerate guy in all other aspects of our relationship. I spent many many years alone after I left ex dp by choice. I am not afraid of being alone

It takes two to want to work on a relationship. If he's fine with you not enjoying sex, he's not as 'lovely' as you believe. There are men out there who long for an expressive woman. My husband's one thank god. This is the last comment I'll leave on this thread. You have two choices. Either have bad sex for the rest of your life with your 'lovely' bloke or find someone else.

I don’t think calling hin repressed is right.
Everyone has different libidos and interests.
Some low, some high. Some none.

It’s all okey.

Calling hin names and shaming him is not right.

Op, you are not some superior sex haver and he doesn’t have to be like you.
You should really watch out for your toxic language.

@YouShouldLeave don’t be ridiculous

@MyBug I spotted you said he isn't into oral (presumably giving, at least.)

I don't personally enjoy receiving oral, but for a lot of women it's the main thing that gets them off. If a woman is like that and doesn't get it, they would consider the sex pretty bad.

Your partner has a right not to give oral of course if he doesn't like doing it. But you have the right to end the relationship if it makes the sex shit for you.

Life is too short to have an unfulfilling sex life if that's important for you. We're soon old and then good sex can become harder to get.

[quote MyBug]@YouShouldLeave don’t be ridiculous[/quote]
I’m not.

Honestly I think you should do yourselves a favour and either have a very blunt discussion one last time or finish it. You need to be compatible and nothing you have posted screams that you will be happily together in years to come (or not)

Your enjoyment is less important than his. That is problematic.

If this isn’t the first time you’ve both had sex at his and you’re vocal, maybe his neighbours have mentioned it to him?
He is well within his rights to object to it, it is his home after all.
You said you don’t want to do the noisy business at your house because you have teens but your partner has neighbours, so you can’t criticise him for something that you’re also not comfortable with.
Either way, you need to compromise somewhere, as you’ve already said you don’t want to leave him.

You said you don’t want to do the noisy business at your house because you have teens but your partner has neighbours, so you can’t criticise him for something that you’re also not comfortable with.

This is very valid. You don’t want to be doing it at your own home but are pissed of he’s not keen on you doing it at his either.

If you want to moan so loudly thr neighbours can hear, do it at your own gaff.

I do wish people would bother to read the whole thread properly. It's pointless commenting otherwise. That's MN for you I suppose.

@MyBug those responses would make senseMog the noise was the only factor but to me his feelings about the noise are a symptom of his feelings about sex in general

Sorry "would make sense if...."

@YouShouldLeave Yes, you really are being ridiculous.

All the people banging on endlessly about how its perfectly valid for her partner not to want the neighbours to hear, can you please explain how in the hell you think it is likely for the neighbours to hear given the description of his house? 'Cos it seems to me that the neighbours would literally have to hang out in their stairwell 24/7 with a specialist high tech listening device pressed against the wall to have any hope of hearing anything.

Houses are very different. I used to live in an old house with stone walls - never heard anything from the neighbours. Moved to a thin walled 1970s house - could hear my neighbour snore. Its perfectly valid for OP to point out her house is different from his and that affects how likely it is that others will hear them having sex.

Wow, so many posters on here assuming you're doing porn-style screaming when you've repeatedly clarified that you're not, and explained the layout of the room and joining walls etc. It really doesn't sound as if there's much chance at all that anyone would have heard you. And vocalising during sex is a completely natural. Of course, be considerate. But all the sniffy comments about there being 'no need for it' and assuming you're massively underplaying your marathon, operatic sessions with windows wide open are completely ridiculous. I would agree with the posters who say you sound sexually incompatible and the kissing you to shut you up would make me feel completely uncomfortable being sexual again with him. Of course you can look at the pros and cons of the relationship and make a decision about whether it's worth staying, maybe try to talk to him about it again, but you don't sound happy, and the chances of him changing his attitudes are slim to none. Life is too short. Don't let him give you a complex, you sound absolutely fine.

You'll never be truly happy with someone who's rigid/unadventurous and shames you/just refuses to budge on the matter.

Reclaiming your sexuality after abuse is a big deal, this fucker is throwing a bucket of cold water allover that very important process.

Unless you're screaming like a banshee hes extremely cold and repressed. Definitely not for you.

There's a range of tastes and sexual responses in people, isn't there? Some people like a lot of noise, some people are proper screamers, some people are quiet and prefer it that way, and all variations in between.

If you're mismatched, it's just a bit of a bugger, isn't it? It doesn't make either of you wrong.

But OP and her partner are further mismatched by his lack of interest in new positions or anything at all adventurous, and his rather selfish attitude sexually.

I had forgotten how weird some posters are on here. It's been a while since I've asked a big and personal question like this. I don't mind hearing different opinions, after all that's why i asked. It's the completely ridiculous replies that are irritating and the ones where it is very clear that they haven't been arsed to read my comments properly.
I am very grateful for those who have given me sensible and respectful advice. It has really helped my work out why I was so upset with the kissing. As to what will happen next, I don't know. I feel as if I have talked and talked about my needs and got seemingly positive responses but then little has changed.
Before anyone says- I have also asked him repeatedly what he likes, what I could do for him, what works for him and all I get is that he likes everything as it is.
So basically I am clueless and making it up as I go along.
I feel as if I am not being heard and I think the stopping me from vocalising my climax in a way that is completely natural for me was yet another example of this.

I think with sex it is normal to be aware of whether what you are doing is annoying or putting the other person off, it wouldn't work otherwise, 2 people just zoning out as though on their own - so if i knew i was annoying someone with say moaning i am not sure it would bother me to try stopping doing it, see how it went - i would feel a bit embarrassed i hadn't noticed that they were bothered though - but on the other hand i'd find it a huge turn off that he didn't try to talk about it and just kissed me instead.

I think your idea of repressed is different from mine. I like getting down to it with sex, i don't like loads of foreplay, i am quite happy to work on my clitoris myself while he is humping away as i do a much better job of it than he does (and he gets turned on by it so all good). I am happy doing it in the same bed every time or different bed I don't care either way. I don't need other things or accroutements, i like straight sex. I also don't make any noise and get turned off if someone is making a racket. I don't think I am repressed or conservative or not normal! So maybe rethink all those judgements if you want to stay with him.