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Original poster

I need to canvass opinions on a delicate matter

275 replies

MyBug · 30/03/2021 13:11

I have name changed for this.
I have been with DP for 2.5 years. He is a lovely caring man and I want to stay with him.

The issue is the many not so great aspects of our sex life, but there's one that I really need opinions on. I genuinely need to know if I am reasonable feeling upset about it or whether I need to give my head a wobble.
I've sat on this for a few days but just keep going round in circles.
At the weekend we were DTD and when I climaxed DP was kissing me quite passionately. At first I thought that it was lovely, a way of connecting more with me in the moment. Then I realised that he was in fact trying to stop me expressing myself vocally. He was kissing me so that I did not make noise.
I felt really shocked and talked with him about it afterwards. He said that he thought it was wonderful that I was really enjoying myself but he didn't want the neighbours knowing our business, so basically could I be quieter. The bed is right over the other side from the partition wall btw in a decent sized room.
I don't think I am that loud tbh. We are not talking middle of the night here, next to their bedroom. The partition wall is a stairway wall and the sex I am talking about happens late mornings at the weekend. (that's another issue all by itself). No-one else is in his house.

Now I feel ashamed and sad. I have told him that I can't enjoy sex if I am worrying about making too much noise,( finally after years of having kids and teens in the house I don't have to be quiet) that I won't be able to express myself fully and that the chances are I simply won't be able to relax enough to cum /easily/ if at all anymore.
I felt silenced.
I would really like views on this. Am I right to feel sad or am I being really selfish by not considering his views on the neighbours?
Has anyone else been in or is in the same kind of position? How have you resolved things?

OP posts:
category12 · 30/03/2021 16:03

@Mylittlepony374

This would 100% turn me off. Your noise is a demonstration of your enjoyment and its more important to him that the neighbours don't hear than that you get to enjoy yourself fully. That's sad.
I really don't think it's unreasonable not to want the neighbours to hear.

Added to the rest of it, yeah, it's not right between them, but if it was the sole issue he's the one who has to live next door to them and if he's turned off by the thought they can hear, it's as valid as the op being turned off by trying to be quiet.

tara66 · 30/03/2021 16:09

Sorry - why do people have to be noisy regarding sex? Is it really necessary?

whitespotsgreenleaves · 30/03/2021 16:12

@tara66

Sorry - why do people have to be noisy regarding sex? Is it really necessary?
Vocalisation at climax is completely normal. Its a normal part of sexual pleasure. Often not that voluntary. You'd have to really put a lot of effort in to suppress it. Suppression and enjoyable sex are not compatible.

Read the description of the house in the OP. The neighbours can't hear.
This isn't the problem.

whitespotsgreenleaves · 30/03/2021 16:13

TBH, the more you say OP the more I am starting to think that he just has a problem with your sexual pleasure.

Hotcuppatea · 30/03/2021 16:15

I'm pretty loud sometimes and my DH shushes me. We laugh about it.

Original poster
MyBug · 30/03/2021 16:21

@whitespotsgreenleaves exactly- I tried to explain that to him. When you climax you have let go of inhibitions and go right into the moment. I asked him if he would be prepared to make more noise so that I knew he was enjoying himself. Of course he shouldn't and I would hint that his natural sexual responses were somehow not pleasing to me or embarrassed me.

OP posts:
Tiger2018 · 30/03/2021 16:59

Hey Mybug

I just wanted to reach out and say you are not alone in wanting great sex with the guy you love.

When I met my DP, he had only had very vanilla (and shit as well) sex so when he met me, he was shocked by how open I was about it.
Little by little he got comfortable talking about sexual topics and in the bedroom - wow! He now has the confidence to bring up stuff he wants to try and I feel comfortable sharing too - this includes during DTD - showing him how I want to be pleasured.

What we did learn though is that it has to be done and built on in the right way...otherwise he would retreat into what he knew and I would feel frustrated and not say anything...

Because of his lack of confidence (which caused his hang ups) he had some sessions with a sex therapist and this further helped him overcome the obstacles.

Anyway, the therapist suggested a simple exercise for us both to do which really helped start the dialogue (in a sexy way too!).

Basically you each take time to separately draw three circles and write in each one: 1) All Good (stuff you do now WHICH YOU ENJOY - not everything you do that you don't), 2) Want to Talk about and/or Try (exactly that - this is your curious circle - one of mine was spanking/impact play) and Hard No (No way, never going to happen! - for me it included Watersports) We then came together and shared our circles - some stuff we agreed on straight away, some stuff was surprising to learn the other wanted to TALK ABOUT, then try if both agreed and the hard limits were good to know about. We then knew our 'sexy adventures' list was starting and the rest is history!

The big take away for me is no matter how much you love your partner, they are not responsible for mind-reading - if sex could be better for you - you've got to say something (in the right way of course)

Good luck!

Gilda152 · 30/03/2021 17:02

I see both sides of this. We have two homes. 'My' home is a corner house where we can be a bit boisterous and noisy, DH's home is an apartment with upstairs/downstairs and across the hall neighbours. We definitely have noisier sex at my home and at his he has on occasions, in a non threatening way put his hand across my mouth (no pressure applied) or kissed me at climax. OP you have teens, he has neighbours it is what it is. The vanilla sex isn't doing it for you and neither of you should have to do sexual things you're not comfortable so it boils down to a put up or shut up situation unfortunately.

Comtesse · 30/03/2021 17:10

I don’t think this is funny at all really. It would be majorly offputting to be silenced like this. I wouldn’t like that behaviour at any time tbh.

Looneytune253 · 30/03/2021 17:14

So you keep the noise down when having sex at your house because of the kids and I'm guessing you'd expect the same of him if he was noisy too? I don't think there's a difference really.

crimsonlake · 30/03/2021 17:18

Agree with Looneytunes253 on this one.
For me it I simply would not want to hear the neighbours hear me for one thing.
He thinks you are too loud and you think he is too quiet during sex. If it is such an issue then you need to end it.

DontBlameMe79 · 30/03/2021 17:25

I think he’s being over sensitive worrying about the neighbours. And you’re being over sensitive thinking your being silenced. Having a laugh about it together would seem the appropriate way to handle this, not going into victim mode.

Bluntness100 · 30/03/2021 17:36

I can’t lie. You don’t sound like you love him. You sound like you can’t stand him and it’s all about the shagging for you

category12 · 30/03/2021 17:59

Whatever the opinions are on the noise thing, what is clear is that he makes you feel ashamed and isn't interested in anything beyond an extremely limited sex life, so you need to ask yourself why you're sticking with it. You could surely do better?

Bluntness100 · 30/03/2021 18:10

The thing is op, as you can probably tell by the responses, loud moaning, particularly loud enough there’s a genuine concern even the neighbours could hear, is totally distracting and a right turn off for most folks. Not all, but most. Do a survey, ask. If your partner was moaning so loud the neighbours might hear do you like it. The resulting answer would a big fat “fuck no”.

But it’s your thing and that’s fine, but you need to consider that he may also might think you’re not so fabulous yourself in the sack, as you indulge in something that arguably most people would cringe hard over.

Original poster
MyBug · 30/03/2021 18:13

It would be Interesting to put the question about noise during sex to men.

OP posts:
category12 · 30/03/2021 18:22

@MyBug

It would be Interesting to put the question about noise during sex to men.
Why?

Men like a range of things. Just like women.

I had a partner at college who was very loud in bed, and I found it embarrassing. At the same time, I find near complete silence from a partner off-putting too Grin. I'm sure you'd have a range of responses from men and not all "i love lots of noise".

Bluntness100 · 30/03/2021 18:25

@MyBug

It would be Interesting to put the question about noise during sex to men.
Well you already know your own partner doesn’t like it. I very much doubt they differ from women in this.

Silence is no good, but loud moaning, so loud you’re realistically concerned they neighbours can hear is something most people will find a total cringe fest.

LatentPhase · 30/03/2021 19:11

I can see why you’re miffed, OP, would be better if he could express, ooh, a modicum of positivity around the subject of your evident sexual pleasure. That would be, like, manners and in the spirit of things.

I think I see this recent issue lining up with your view of his sexual conservatism, it’s like a vortex, and one you see it it just keeps getting more and more obvious. And frankly it’s a bit meh....

No advice. But I hear you. When you spoke about taking sex out of the equation for a bit - what did he say to that?

Biscuitlover456 · 30/03/2021 19:20

I think a lot of commenters are missing the point here. We can’t know objectively how loud you are during sex, or whether it’s an ‘acceptable’ level of noise, or whether your neighbours can hear you, and I don’t think we need to solve this by getting out a noise meter.

What we do know is that the two of you clearly have quite different levels of sexual inhibition and what he said hurt you - there is a mismatch and if you are both to get through it being open and honest is the best strategy. Can you explain to him why it made you feel so bad? Like other posters have mentioned, some couples just have a giggle about it if someone is a bit vocal at points during the act, it doesn’t need to turn into a bigger issue but it sounds like the deeper problems have made this worse. And is it a dealbreaker for either of you (i.e your level of sound/his desire to not be overheard)? If it isn’t then there’s no reason not to move past this - but perhaps those deeper issues might prevent that?

Original poster
MyBug · 30/03/2021 19:28

@LatentPhase he looked quite shocked.

OP posts:
Kittykat93 · 30/03/2021 19:41

Lets be fair..most people who overhear neighbours etc loud moaning during sex roll their eyes and cringe for them. I never see the need to be moaning that loudly it goes through walls, just seems fake and embarrassing. Everyone has sex, we just dont need to hear others doing it. Your husband is just not wanting the neighbours to hear, it doesn't mean he doesn't care about your pleasure ffs

BlackMarauder · 30/03/2021 19:45

[quote MyBug]@LatentPhase he looked quite shocked.[/quote]
You don't have many choices here because he's not going to change. Either you accept a silent, restrictive sexlife with a repressed man who ignores your clitoris or you leave. Don't you think you deserve better?

mackleless · 30/03/2021 19:46

@MyBug

This morning I suggested we knock sex on the head for a while. I couldn't imagine telling him how to express himself sexually.
why did you suggest that?!
BlackMarauder · 30/03/2021 19:48

@Kittykat93

Lets be fair..most people who overhear neighbours etc loud moaning during sex roll their eyes and cringe for them. I never see the need to be moaning that loudly it goes through walls, just seems fake and embarrassing. Everyone has sex, we just dont need to hear others doing it. Your husband is just not wanting the neighbours to hear, it doesn't mean he doesn't care about your pleasure ffs
They're not married. Have you read her others posts about how he refuses to do anything she likes? It's all on his terms.
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