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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to canvass opinions on a delicate matter

275 replies

MyBug · 30/03/2021 13:11

I have name changed for this.
I have been with DP for 2.5 years. He is a lovely caring man and I want to stay with him.

The issue is the many not so great aspects of our sex life, but there's one that I really need opinions on. I genuinely need to know if I am reasonable feeling upset about it or whether I need to give my head a wobble.
I've sat on this for a few days but just keep going round in circles.
At the weekend we were DTD and when I climaxed DP was kissing me quite passionately. At first I thought that it was lovely, a way of connecting more with me in the moment. Then I realised that he was in fact trying to stop me expressing myself vocally. He was kissing me so that I did not make noise.
I felt really shocked and talked with him about it afterwards. He said that he thought it was wonderful that I was really enjoying myself but he didn't want the neighbours knowing our business, so basically could I be quieter. The bed is right over the other side from the partition wall btw in a decent sized room.
I don't think I am that loud tbh. We are not talking middle of the night here, next to their bedroom. The partition wall is a stairway wall and the sex I am talking about happens late mornings at the weekend. (that's another issue all by itself). No-one else is in his house.

Now I feel ashamed and sad. I have told him that I can't enjoy sex if I am worrying about making too much noise,( finally after years of having kids and teens in the house I don't have to be quiet) that I won't be able to express myself fully and that the chances are I simply won't be able to relax enough to cum /easily/ if at all anymore.
I felt silenced.
I would really like views on this. Am I right to feel sad or am I being really selfish by not considering his views on the neighbours?
Has anyone else been in or is in the same kind of position? How have you resolved things?

OP posts:
Original poster
MyBug · 31/03/2021 08:29

That’s a good question. He is a really really lovely man. He is kind and considerate and will bend over backwards for me. He is the antithesis of my ex. That’s what I don’t get re sex. In all other aspects of my life he is amazing.

OP posts:
GrettaGreen · 31/03/2021 08:46

OP you haven't answered abpit whether you keep the noise down in your own house so your teens don't hear. I think that's important in determining this.

whitespotsgreenleaves · 31/03/2021 08:49

@Isadora2007

I’m wondering if you see sex as lust and he sees it more as love? It struck me that he “silenced” you with passionate kissing which is actually quite sweet and loving-but you saw it as a negative. You seem very focussed on the acts of sex and pleasure which is fine but what about intimacy and gentle low key connection? Is your need for lust something Unresolved for you? And you’re moving onto him and seeing him as repressed? It sounds like you’re sexually stuck in some ways trying to prove how sexy you are and in some kind of carnal indulgent phase- almost more teenage than the forties/fifties I’m assuming you are with teenage or grown up children?

You need to talk and perhaps consider relationship counselling to work through this if the rest of the relationship is worth sticking at this.

I feel like you might fear intimacy. But I could be completely wrong.

Oh my god! This has to be the most awful shaming post of women's enjoyment of sex I have ever read. 'Is your need for lust something unresolved for you?' Jesus Christ! As is lust and sexual desire is something filthy to be ashamed of! And linking the very natural urge to vocalise at climax (normal!) as some sort of deviant lust to be 'resolved' and got rid of. As if 'good girls' just see sex as emotional intimacy, not enjoyable, and they certainly don't express their enjoyment. Obviously have issues if they do. That they need to resolve. If they try to assert themselves (silly women!) they are obviously projecting from their state of unnatural lust.

The assumption that wanting to vocalise at climax, means you are a lusty maid with issues. The assumption that is you like lust you don't like intimacy - that its one of the other. Jesus. There is so much in the post that is awful. Just awful.

Stopping someone's mouth as they vocalise their pleasure is not 'sweet' anymore than a controlling partner is 'sweet' if he wakes you every morning, never letting you wake naturally, with tea and toast as he 'loves you.'

Bluntness100 · 31/03/2021 08:59

I am naturally more vocal when I climax but I do not shout the house down

I think this is the disconnect. He seems to think you’re so loud even the neighbours could hear and it’s making him uncomfortable. Only one of you can be right.

Original poster
MyBug · 31/03/2021 09:03

@GrettaGreen

OP you haven't answered abpit whether you keep the noise down in your own house so your teens don't hear. I think that's important in determining this.
I did- I said he doesn’t bother with my needs when We’re in my house. Tbh I think like many men he would rather just have sex. This was how it was in our realty for a long time before I realised I had the right to climax and I told him so. He was very accepting of this and I do wonder whether it was just because he was lacking in confidence. His default would be just to get down to business. I have had many partners over the course of my life so far and all- apart from him-saw to my needs first.
OP posts:
Borntobeamum · 31/03/2021 09:13

Have you ever heard them having sex?
If not - Moan away.
If you have - stfu!

category12 · 31/03/2021 09:13

Would he consider sex therapy or counselling, as he seems pretty uptight sexually generally?

I'd find it concerning that he was perfectly happy to get off himself and not bother about you previously, until called on it.

When you say he doesn’t bother with my needs when We’re in my house, does that mean you're still getting him off, but it's not reciprocated?

Original poster
MyBug · 31/03/2021 09:21

@category12

Would he consider sex therapy or counselling, as he seems pretty uptight sexually generally?

I'd find it concerning that he was perfectly happy to get off himself and not bother about you previously, until called on it.

When you say he doesn’t bother with my needs when We’re in my house, does that mean you're still getting him off, but it's not reciprocated?

Yep and I need to put a stop to that.
OP posts:
GrettaGreen · 31/03/2021 09:25

So in your house there's no need to keep the noise down, because there's no noise. That's fair enough. If he was meeting your needs, would you try and restrict yourself so your teens don't hear?

Original poster
MyBug · 31/03/2021 09:56

@GrettaGreen

So in your house there's no need to keep the noise down, because there's no noise. That's fair enough. If he was meeting your needs, would you try and restrict yourself so your teens don't hear?
Yes of course I would . In my house the walls are thin. In his house they are thick and the bedroom is not actually anywhere near the party wall. The other side of the party wall is also not a room in the neighbour’s house. I do not believe they can hear us. As I said he worries overly about most things though.
OP posts:
BlackMarauder · 31/03/2021 10:23

This post has gotten so sad. People gaslighting OP, telling her she's not to moan or vocally enjoy sex. That her partner is right. To shut up and let him continue being selfish in bed. The OP has explained countless times that she's not loud or disturbing anyone. So much for feminism, eh?

OP your past history of abuse makes you think you should accept less than what you deserve because he doesn't hit you. And no. A 'lovely man' would want you to enjoy sex as much as he does. Stop having sex you don't enjoy.

dogmandu · 31/03/2021 10:28

so correct me if I'm wrong, you don't make a noise in your own house because it would be embarrassing for your teens to hear it , and you'd have to face them every day, but it would be OK to do it in his house, because you don't have to face the neighbours and be embarrassed, He does though but that's OK.

category12 · 31/03/2021 10:31

@dogmandu

so correct me if I'm wrong, you don't make a noise in your own house because it would be embarrassing for your teens to hear it , and you'd have to face them every day, but it would be OK to do it in his house, because you don't have to face the neighbours and be embarrassed, He does though but that's OK.
No, if you read op's posts, they don't have sex (she enjoys) at her house because he won't, but she does get him off.
dogmandu · 31/03/2021 10:35

OK so I understood it wrongly. Sorry

Notoriouslynotnotious · 31/03/2021 10:49

The vocalisation is probably a part of my sex life I would be willing to reach some compromise on if everything else was working well. But you have to decide your own boundaries and where you are ok with compromise so really it doesn’t matter what I or anyone else thinks.

Don’t listen when other people tell you that your own boundaries are unreasonable but as you can appreciate people can also choose to walk away on the other side if they aren’t happy with boundaries you impose. That is always a risk.

Original poster
MyBug · 31/03/2021 10:56

It has been useful reading different POV but I too am saddened by the number of women here who think female sexual desire and expression is somehow wrong.

OP posts:
dogmandu · 31/03/2021 11:01

I don't think many people think it's wrong, they just don't feel comfortable with somebody shouting out their window, 'hey listen everybody, I'm having sex'.

Original poster
MyBug · 31/03/2021 11:01

@dogmandu

I don't think many people think it's wrong, they just don't feel comfortable with somebody shouting out their window, 'hey listen everybody, I'm having sex'.
Who’s doing that then?
OP posts:
MrsFeatherDuster · 31/03/2021 11:03

My DH stated a while ago that I was too vocal DTD which I really didn't think I was. He even said that I shout 'encouragement' which I was never aware of. I was mortified and a little embarrassed when he brought it up as I am actually really shy and quiet. I would hate it if I knew anyone could hear me and now try to control myself a little more.
I don't think my DH had a problem with, quite the contrary, but was just trying to protect me a little from embarrassment.

category12 · 31/03/2021 11:09

@MyBug

It has been useful reading different POV but I too am saddened by the number of women here who think female sexual desire and expression is somehow wrong.
I think in your case it is likely your partner is a bit fucked up about sex and uncomfortable about female sexual pleasure and desire. And there is a wider issue about sex being for men's pleasure mostly.

But I don't believe vocalisations are a necessity to female pleasure. Some women don't react like that. Some women are perfectly capable of orgasm without it.

Nor do I agree that feeling embarrassed about the possibility of being heard is invalid and partners should just ignore the other person's concerns otherwise they're being hideously repressed.

There's certainly an argument that there's pressure to vocalise like a pornstar as well.

You just seem horribly mismatched sexually, and if you want to continue I'd look at what sex therapy or counselling is available.

dogmandu · 31/03/2021 11:10

Who’s doing that then?

That's what it sounds like to people that are forced to listen to it. I'm generalising here and not referring to you in particular.
If one is not a screamer oneself, it seems that the noise level can be toned down. If I'm having an injection in the drs surgery, I can just say `ooww that hurts ' or I could scream the place down till the whole waiting room hears it. It's a choice I make. That's how it sometimes seems when having to listen to the climax screams. But again, I'm open to being corrected on this.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 31/03/2021 11:26

Are you ridiculously loud? Hearing other people's sexual noises is grim. Thank goodness for detached houses.

Bluntness100 · 31/03/2021 11:34

The bottom line is there are two issues here

He thinks you’re so very loud it’s highly probably the neighbours can hear you and it makes him uncomfortable.

You think he’s sexually repressed. And are unhappy with your sex life. This is a seperate issue.

You need to address both issue separately. His “ sexual repression” is not necessarily related to the fact he is uncomfortable with you moaning so loud the neighbours can possibly hear you. This would be a common reaction for most people to be fair. As the saying goes “ain’t no one likes that”.

So address both seperatly.

category12 · 31/03/2021 11:56

You think he’s sexually repressed. And are unhappy with your sex life. This is a seperate issue.

I think we can fairly say he is sexually repressed given he doesn't want to try new positions or do it anywhere but the bedroom etc.

Bluntness100 · 31/03/2021 12:11

@category12

You think he’s sexually repressed. And are unhappy with your sex life. This is a seperate issue.

I think we can fairly say he is sexually repressed given he doesn't want to try new positions or do it anywhere but the bedroom etc.

I think that’s fair on the new positions, I’m less sure on other locations in the house due to the level of noise he thinks the op makes.
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