Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to canvass opinions on a delicate matter

275 replies

MyBug · 30/03/2021 13:11

I have name changed for this.
I have been with DP for 2.5 years. He is a lovely caring man and I want to stay with him.

The issue is the many not so great aspects of our sex life, but there's one that I really need opinions on. I genuinely need to know if I am reasonable feeling upset about it or whether I need to give my head a wobble.
I've sat on this for a few days but just keep going round in circles.
At the weekend we were DTD and when I climaxed DP was kissing me quite passionately. At first I thought that it was lovely, a way of connecting more with me in the moment. Then I realised that he was in fact trying to stop me expressing myself vocally. He was kissing me so that I did not make noise.
I felt really shocked and talked with him about it afterwards. He said that he thought it was wonderful that I was really enjoying myself but he didn't want the neighbours knowing our business, so basically could I be quieter. The bed is right over the other side from the partition wall btw in a decent sized room.
I don't think I am that loud tbh. We are not talking middle of the night here, next to their bedroom. The partition wall is a stairway wall and the sex I am talking about happens late mornings at the weekend. (that's another issue all by itself). No-one else is in his house.

Now I feel ashamed and sad. I have told him that I can't enjoy sex if I am worrying about making too much noise,( finally after years of having kids and teens in the house I don't have to be quiet) that I won't be able to express myself fully and that the chances are I simply won't be able to relax enough to cum /easily/ if at all anymore.
I felt silenced.
I would really like views on this. Am I right to feel sad or am I being really selfish by not considering his views on the neighbours?
Has anyone else been in or is in the same kind of position? How have you resolved things?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/04/2021 15:24

@LolaSmiles

Bluntness100 Well said, and if someone isn't having a satisfying sex life or they consider their partner selfish in the bedroom then there is zero obligation for them to continue having sex with them. No man is entitled to sex, in fact nobody is entitled to sex. Nobody has to go through the motions of rubbish sex for them out of obligation to someone else. Nobody has to do more than they want to in the bedroom either.

There's also zero obligation to remain in an unfulfilling relationship either.

Agree and we should respect other people’s boundaries not treat them with disrespect because they won’t do what we wish them to do sexually. Treat them with respect, discuss it respectfully and then if it’s something the other doesn’t wish to do or can’t help then move on if it’s a deal breaker.

I do wonder why you're moaning loudly enough for neighbours to hear when hes apparently so crap in bed he doesn't know where your clitoris is. Why are you moaning like hes amazing then?

This made me chuckle, it’s so valid, but for a man who is so shit in bed he can give you orgasms that make you moan so loudly the neighbours can hear. Either that shits fake or he’s a sex god and he’s rocking your world. Can’t be both...😂

bugontree · 02/04/2021 15:27

We can’t assume women don’t want to do something because they don’t like it, it makes them uncomfortable and that’s ok but if a man doesn’t wish to do something it’s because he’s a selfish lazy bastard

Well yes, in this case we can. He's a man who is happy to have his organ of sexual pleasure stimulated to orgasm regularly, but can't be arsed to learn how to stimulate hers to orgasm. That is selfish. No two ways about it. If you want to use someone to get yourself off but can't be bothered to learn how to get them off, then yes you are a selfish lazy bastard.

The op wants to moan so loudly the neighbours can hear, there is nothing wrong with this, and there is nothing wrong with him being uncomfortable Read the description of the house again. The neighbours can't hear.

bugontree · 02/04/2021 15:29

I do wonder why you're moaning loudly enough for neighbours to hear when hes apparently so crap in bed he doesn't know where your clitoris is. Why are you moaning like hes amazing then?

You are not being clever. OP has explained this. She has to get him to hold a vibrator against her clitoris. He isn't actually getting her off at all. And the neighbours can't hear.

Bluntness100 · 02/04/2021 15:29

I’d also add it’s very hard to convince someone they are not meeting your needs when you’re regularly orgasming so hard you can’t control yourself and make so much loud noise the neighbours might hear. That is a difficult argument to win,,,

Bluntness100 · 02/04/2021 15:30

Well yes, in this case we can. He's a man who is happy to have his organ of sexual pleasure stimulated to orgasm regularly, but can't be arsed to learn how to stimulate hers to orgasm. That is selfish. No two ways about it. If you want to use someone to get yourself off but can't be bothered to learn how to get them off, then yes you are a selfish lazy bastard

Well clearly he has learned as she moans so loudly it’s possible the neighbours hear and regularly orgasms, enough that he knew what was coming, pun intended,

LolaSmiles · 02/04/2021 15:31

If you want to use someone to get yourself off but can't be bothered to learn how to get them off, then yes you are a selfish lazy bastard.
And if that's the case the partner is free to decide whether they are sexually compatible with such an inept, lazy, bastard.

Or whether they are going to continue to have sex with such a selfish, lazy man who is just using them to get himself off.

"No" is an excellent word.

Bluntness100 · 02/04/2021 15:35

I don’t get the whole he has not learned thing. She orgasms and so hard she all but screams the house down. She’s not posting he can’t do it. The whole fundamental issue is she, using her words, likes to loudly “vocalise her climax”. And regularly.

What more is there to learn, not only is he doing it , he seems to be doing it spectacularly well. Unless of course she’s faking it, and moaning like she’s Meg Ryan in when Harry met sally for some odd reason,

bugontree · 02/04/2021 15:39

@Bluntness100
I can only conclude that you have not read the whole thread. Or that you are conveniently ignoring the bits that don't fit your narrative. I'll repeat a post I did just above for you.
OP has explained this. She has to get him to hold a vibrator against her clitoris. He isn't actually getting her off at all. And the neighbours can't hear
He's never learnt to get her off. She has to tell him where to hold it and he often can't even manage that properly. So no, he's never learnt.

bugontree · 02/04/2021 15:41

she all but screams the house down
And you've just made that up. OP has never said anything like that. If you have to make up hyperbole, you haven't really got an argument.

Kittykat93 · 02/04/2021 15:45

@bugontree

I do wonder why you're moaning loudly enough for neighbours to hear when hes apparently so crap in bed he doesn't know where your clitoris is. Why are you moaning like hes amazing then?

You are not being clever. OP has explained this. She has to get him to hold a vibrator against her clitoris. He isn't actually getting her off at all. And the neighbours can't hear.

Erm I'm not trying to be clever thanks..I'm just saying most women if they are shagging a bloke who's crap in bed wont be screaming with pleasure loud enough for it to be an issue for him..
bugontree · 02/04/2021 15:48

Perhaps you should read all tne OPs posts before you try to 'catch her out' then.

Bluntness100 · 02/04/2021 15:52

@bugontree

Perhaps you should read all tne OPs posts before you try to 'catch her out' then.
It’s a valid point, she says she “loudly moans”. Bottom line is this guy is no longer in need of lessons, he is doing the job spectacularly well if he can make her do this,

Christ this is the first time I’ve read a complaint from a woman saying her partner is shit in bed, repressed, doesn’t know where her clitoris even is, but apparently the sex is so good she orgasms hard enough so her moaning might disturb the neighbours.

Dunno about you buy that’s the kinda shit sex we should all be having,,😂

Kittykat93 · 02/04/2021 16:15

@bugontree

Perhaps you should read all tne OPs posts before you try to 'catch her out' then.
I have read every single post on this thread. Still stand by my point
SingingInTheShithouse · 02/04/2021 16:29

Bloody hell, get a grip 😟

Sorry, but this is a massive over dramatisation on your part. You're really do need to get over yourself reframe this in your head, as it's a 2 way street, he needs to be enjoying himself too & he's clearly embarrassed by your noise, so he isn't able to relax either. Neighbours would prefer his stance to yours I'm sure

Play music, reframe it & know it's about you both, not just you or him

LolaSmiles · 02/04/2021 16:35

SingingInTheShithouse
The thing is that as the thread has gone on, it's gone from a man who is sexually repressed for not loving noise in the bedroom and not wanting to have sex all over the house with a woman who expresses herself loudly and feels suppressed if she can't be vocal, to a man who is actually terrible in bed, doesn't know where the clitoris is, makes no effort at all to please his partner in bed, and is generally inept and selfish in the bedroom.

It's probably long past the put music on and have a talk stage.

Parkperson · 02/04/2021 16:41

I agree with @Bluntness100. A really good observation!

Original poster
MyBug · 02/04/2021 17:09

@Bluntness100 that is because I basically do it myself. That is the reason I am able to cum.

OP posts:
category12 · 02/04/2021 17:13

So would you make a lot of noise if it was just you and the bullet?

Or is it for his benefit really so he knows you're enjoying it?

Original poster
MyBug · 02/04/2021 17:16

If I have no teens in the house then yes of course that is what is natural for me

OP posts:
SouthernBounce · 02/04/2021 18:10

It’s for her own enjoyment, she finds it exciting.

In which case, do you really need his begrudging audience?

Make all the racket you want on your own and enjoy the rest of the relationship with him. If he’s as bad as you say, even with constant direction, encouragement, and even telling him to read up, he’s continued to make it clear he doesn’t want anything to change.

It’s a stalemate, beating a dead donkey. I’m surprised any part of it is sexy to you anymore. Enough to turn anybody off. Very strong persistence and insistence you’ve got there.

Original poster
MyBug · 02/04/2021 18:13

Regarding blow jobs and that a man has no right to demand one ( true) therefore no woman has the right to expect some sort of stimulation. That is a fallacious argument. If a man doesn’t get a blow job he can still climax from piv. Most women haven’t got that option and need external stimulation of their clitoris. Women have as much right to orgasm as men do.

OP posts:
SheldonesqueIsUnwell · 02/04/2021 18:25

It all seems to me that your sex life is on his terms and bugger what you want.

If he isn’t willing to compromise then love or not, you should go. Sex is for the enjoyment of you both.

I know nowt though. My ex used to cover my face with a pillow so that he couldn’t see me crying.

LolaSmiles · 02/04/2021 18:30

Women have as much right to orgasm as men do
Nobody has said otherwise.
In fact, countless posters have said nobody has to tolerate a terrible sex life and feel unfulfilled. Countless posters have also pointed out that a poor sex life is absolutely a reason to leave a relationship.

This isn't about women's right to a good sex life. It's about whether it's reasonable to stay in sexually unfulfilling relationship whilst complaining regularly about the sex in the hope that the other partner in the relationship will suddenly change and appreciate loud moaning / want to have sex in several rooms other than the bedroom/ find the clitoris.

Nobody has the right to demand anything in the bedroom from anyone. They are, however, free to find someone they are sexually compatible with.

Original poster
MyBug · 02/04/2021 19:01

@SouthernBounce you are absolutely right . I do have to make that choice. This thread has made me think a lot about what I want and what to do. I am certainly not finding the prospect of sexual with him attractive at all and am finding ways to avoid it. That is relatively easy as he only ever wants sex in the morning so I just get out of bed before he has woken up properly.
I have lots to think about and important decisions to make.

OP posts:
SouthernBounce · 02/04/2021 19:07

I have found things that are not a priority can be ignored in favour of enjoying what is working very well. If something is a priority though, it will always be a constant dissatisfaction at the forefront of your mind, rather than something minor that can be pushed to the side more easily.

You need to decide how high this sits in your order of priorities.