Partner having his kids around when I'm not well

[Madboutcats]

My partner & I live together. I have 1 child & he got 3 kids. Generally, I'm not bothered if his 3 kids are in our house but atm, I got severe back pain & I just want to be on my own. I tried to explain to him that I'm in so much pain that dealing with my kid is bad enough without his kids being around as well. But he doesn't understand. I'm getting rather frustrated bout it. He says his kids are not as noisy as my one is. My mom takes my kid to her place when I just want to rest. His kids don't live here so why should I have to put up with it when I'm in pain? Any advice, thoughts or even to tell me I'm overreacting etc, I'd like to know.

Hi OP

How coincidental, I wrote a very similar post to this last week (the title was identical)

In my case, it's because I'm pregnant and didn't want DP bringing his children here when they're ill as I'm vulnerable and have suffered 2 previous losses.

I posted in AIBU and was ripped to shreds for a good 30 pages, fortunately I had a number of people jump on to the thread in my defence who didn't think I was being unreasonable at all.

In short, no you're not being unreasonable. It's your house (if that's the case, as it is with me) and nothing is stopping him seeing his children elsewhere. His contact should not depend on having your home to facilitate it.

Why can't he take them out if you're not feeling up to a house full?

If you're struggling with the nuances of a blended family come over to the childlessstepmum forums, it's not just for women with no children of their own btw, you'll find they're much more understanding than most on MN where there is an awful bias against step mothers and girlfriends of the NRP dad.

I haven't read all of the replies here but I already know you'll have received much of the same vitriol as I did, don't take it to heart - there is ALOT of projection on here.

Feel free to PM me anytime x

I really don’t get any of this?? Why would anyone enter into a relationship with someone who has children if they don’t want to be a step parent??? I don’t think I could sleep at night knowing I was responsible for children feeling rejected and unwanted?? Or am I just a doormat? I bring up two children who are not my own and could never deny them their right to belonging. This forum is not for me so I’m checking out now, all the best with your situation OP.

I've been a step mum and you just have to suck it up . The problem was my lazy ex dp , now he fobs all his kids off on his mum when he has them for the weekend.
If he expects you to cook / clean and look after them when you are unwell then you have bigger problems. Go to your mums in the short term if you are unwell .
Hope you feel better soon

Being in a relationship with somebody who has children doesn't automatically make you a step parent. In most cases the children already have two parents and don't need another.

Being in a relationship with a single father doesn't automatically mean you need to open up your home without boundaries to your detriment. If you are feeling unwell you're well within your right to ask him to make alternative arrangements.

Only on mumsnet should a step mother/girlfriend of a dad put herself last on the list above all else. It doesn't work like that in reality and expecting that it does is a sure fire way to plant the seeds of resentment.

It's a balancing act.

The children aren't going to be traumatised if dad actually takes them out for a change. Who wants to be stuck indoors all day anyway?

The default position on mumsnet is stepkids are still family who should be treated as your own dc. They are allowed to visit their dad. You dont want to go to your room as you need to walk about but you'd want to watch tv. That's not staying active. There is a perfect solution. You go for a walk and dh sees his dc plus looks after your other child.

Personally I don't get to sit around watching TV until its bedtime and dc are out of the way. I don't see why having a bad back should mean you can't have his dc around. If he wanted you to cook and look after them that would be wrong.

Whereso
The issue is that for some posters on here their idea of detriment is anything that inconveniences them and any time they don't feel like having the children around. Then you get the whole 'woe is me, why should I deny myself a happy life / a moment of peace? Why should I come last because I'm a stepmum?'

It's no wonder it's socially acceptable for some non resident dads to do very little and be Disney Dads when there's some women who seem to think men are saints for having their children every other weekend plus a few days in the holidays, and then on the limited time the dad sees his kids he's told to take them out places because step mum wants some peace (on some of 4 days a month the children are with their dad).

I'm often quick to challenge the times some posters make it clear step mums can't win, where poor step mums are expected to treat SC as their own for all the perks but sit back and allow SC to be rude, disobedient, lazy and entitled in their homes.
I just happen to take a dim view of step parents or the partners of non-resident fathers who think that his contact with the children fits in around whether they feel like having the children around or not.

I see where you're coming from Lola, I just don't see why these men can't take the children out sometimes and insist on sitting indoors taking over the television, shouting and screaming on the games console etc.

That is the case in my household so I do sympathise with the OP. My DP hasn't taken his DC out once, without me, in over a year.

It's lazy parenting to be honest. A good father would be able to strike a balance.

The OP isn't feeling well but he (rightly) wants to see his DC, he should consider taking them out and actually doing something with them rather than plonking them in front of the television on games and checking out of doing any actual parenting.

Go to your mums, or tell him he is in charge and stay in bed telling them not to disturb you

He is entitled to see his kids

Whereso
I think you're right that dads can take the kids out, but there's a difference between being at dad's for the weekend and then going to the park, playing x box, being in the house like a normal weekend with kids vs it's your weekend with your dad and you're being kicked out your dad's house because his partner insists that she needs a day of peace when you're only at your dad's for 4 days a month.

One is a normal weekend with kids and the other is expecting a dad to prioritise a partner who doesn't fancy having kids around because apparently they don't get enough child free peace the 27 days a month when the step children aren't there

Aww @mzhz.

"
When you put everyone before you, when others are always the priority, you will NEVER be theirs because they don’t think you matter because they’ve never see you have your needs even on the table, let alone met.

A poor example when it comes to raising adults"

Quite strange that I have a fantastic relationship with my child, step kids and partner. We have mutual respect. When I have felt ill, the kids have all been mindful of the fact, playing quietly or making sure I'm OK. It's called being nice and considerate. They value the fact I don't get in the way of their relationship with their dad. Weirdly their mother didn't do similar and put herself first with her relationship. That didn't go great.

However where you think you can get off and judge me for being 'a poor example for raising adults', you don't know me and you don't know my kids/ step kids. I would not judge your ability to be a mother and cn actually respect the fact you will bring your kids up with the best of intentions with your opinions for them. Doesn't make it right and doesn't make it wrong. You're making what you consider the best for them. Or you. Whichever you say.

So fuck off when you try and judge me, or back it up with proof and sources. Or qualifications of course. Are you an expert on child raising which endorses you to have these opinions and judgements on other people? How are you able to provide such negative statements with such assurance?

Do tell

I actually think all the adults in this scenario are being a bit crap tbh. The kids just seem to get shifted from pillar to post on the whim of the parents - both birth and step alike - when the parenting of them is inconvenient.

@KurtWilde

I actually think all the adults in this scenario are being a bit crap tbh. The kids just seem to get shifted from pillar to post on the whim of the parents - both birth and step alike - when the parenting of them is inconvenient.

I think you're all (adults) unreasonable to be honest. The kids are being shunted around to whoever will resent them for being there the least at that moment in time. Sounds like these children don't have somewhere where they're not in the way at least some of the time, that's not a great feeling for anyone. Though it does seem all the adults here are more concerned with themselves and/or their relationships than the children. That said it's the biological parents job to put their children first, step parent to support that. IMO you all need to grow up and accept the responsibility you took on, the biological parents for their own children, the step parents for their decision to be in a relationship with someone who has children.

[quote GingerScallop]@user1481840227 to be fair, she said early on that the mum gets a break, sending them to their dad's to nurse boyfriend's ankle or for other reasons.

OP I think you and your partner have to partner and parent. He can take the kids out and allow you rest time. While they are around you accommodate him: pain killer, heat pack[/quote]
She said that the mum shipped them off whenever it suited her or she'd had enough of them.....but then she said that the dad normally only has them 2 weekends a month so it sounds like she was greatly exaggerating!

Here we go again

I hope you feel a bit better today OP 🌸

Over Christmas, my back was so bad that every time I moved I screamed (literally). GP insisted I had a commode installed because it was unsafe to go up and down stairs to the bathroom.

No painkillers were sufficiently strong. I would not have wanted to inflict my screams on children.

OP, I understand, hope you're feeling OK. Try Pilates when you can get down to the floor again. Or start with a book of core exercises for the elderly.

WisnaeMe, still the same but am walking around a little bit & doing the back exercises to try help it. Thank you for asking. 😊

good to see you're still online talking too OP.

Slow and steady, I believe the recommendation for painful backs is to keep moving now, the previous post sounds like good advice too.

take your time 🌸

Spaceshipto Mars, is your back better now? Sounds horrendous. What caused your back to get so bad, do you know?
Lol, I feel like I'm 80 already. I think the elderly wouldn't be confused if I was doing the exercises with them. 😆

Madaboutcats - it isn't 100% yet, but I can walk a couple of miles now and do housework. Probably caused by wear and tear, plus way too much sitting in front of a screen. (Covid regs, so all consultations done over the phone).

I try and do half an hour per day of warm up plus core exercises - a mixture of ones from Sarah Keys Back Sufferers Bible and some from ElderGym online. Go easy, I kept pulling all sorts of other muscles in my desperation to get back to normal Treat yourself to a couple of leg pillows to help you find a position you can sleep in.

Sorry you have had such a hard time OP, I can’t comment about the step children because I have never had any but I don’t think some posters realise how bad back pain can be. I have had a few debilitating periods of back trouble & it is honestly the worse pain I have ever experienced, it stops you thinking straight it’s so bad. I hope you feel better soon, you have my sympathies.