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Original poster

Partner having his kids around when I'm not well

196 replies

Madboutcats · 30/03/2021 10:15

My partner & I live together. I have 1 child & he got 3 kids. Generally, I'm not bothered if his 3 kids are in our house but atm, I got severe back pain & I just want to be on my own. I tried to explain to him that I'm in so much pain that dealing with my kid is bad enough without his kids being around as well. But he doesn't understand. I'm getting rather frustrated bout it. He says his kids are not as noisy as my one is. My mom takes my kid to her place when I just want to rest. His kids don't live here so why should I have to put up with it when I'm in pain? Any advice, thoughts or even to tell me I'm overreacting etc, I'd like to know.

OP posts:
MzHz · 30/03/2021 13:55

Honestly, go to your mum’s.

DianaT1969 · 30/03/2021 13:55

You are being defensive. But there is a fundamental principle here. If you share a home together, then it's a home for his kids too. His ex isn't 'shipping them off'. He is 50% responsible for them. I don't think you accept that. You say shipping them off as if she's sending them to a stranger for convenience. He'll be "shipping them off" to her in a couple of days, but you don't see it that way.
With a bad back, there's no reason you can't have everything you need and rest up in your bedroom. It's the Easter holidays and great weather. If he can't be bothered taking his kids out, then you picked a great bloke.

WaitingForNormality · 30/03/2021 14:21

YABVU

You moved in together, and unfortunately or not that means you've also agreed inherently to that house being the house for both of your children. It's how it works when you become a 'blended family'. I get that you want to be alone when in pain... I feel the same when I'm poorly, but my kid lives with me full-time so I can't just say 'not today thankyou' as this is their home. its important for his kids to keep the stability of seeing their Dad. During lockdown its not exactly like he has many options to take them out for the day either.

I know you think you're being judged unfairly on MN, but the reality is that when you ask a bunch of strangers online if YABU and give a small amount of info... that's literally all we have to go on. We have no knowledge of past experiences you may have had with his ex etc. So, based on your OP - Yes. YABU.

Happycat1212 · 30/03/2021 14:21

God this is so amusing to me as a lone parent, I don’t have anyone to ship my kids off to when I’m ill, oh how lucky some people are 😅

bonfireheart · 30/03/2021 14:29

Their mother doesn't "ship" them off, they're with their dad.

pinkyredrose · 30/03/2021 14:39

How long have you been living together, was it his idea?

TopBitchoftheWitches · 30/03/2021 14:43

Op, it's not all about you. They are his children and come first. Grow up.

LaceyBetty · 30/03/2021 14:53

There are so many of these threads. As a stepchild, I find it really sad to think my stepmum might have thought this way about me. This is a sad statement from the OP as well:

Generally, I'm not bothered if his 3 kids are in our house

That being said, my guess is the father doesn't step up to his responsibilities when his children are on the house and it falls on the OP.

huuskymam · 30/03/2021 14:53

Are you expected to do the running around after them while they're there? If so, tell your dp it won't be happening and take yourself off to bed for some rest.

Naunet · 30/03/2021 14:53

I’m so confused! Why can’t you just go to bed and relax? Are the kids extremely loud or something? Can you explain exactly why it’s an issue?

Also it’s not fair to suggest the mother is “shipping off” the kids. He’s their father, just as responsible for them as she is, and I’d bet she does the vast majority of parenting already.

2bazookas · 30/03/2021 15:07

Is it his place? If you moved in to his place then of course he wants to invite his kids to his home.

oldshoeuk · 30/03/2021 15:11

You get the package, that's the way it is. Sorry for the pain, make sure you use decent prescribed painkillers.

Conditionconditioncondition · 30/03/2021 15:14

YABU

But you won't ever see that

RantyAnty · 30/03/2021 15:23

Does he expect you to take care of his DC when they are there?

canigooutyet · 30/03/2021 16:14

Take you pain stuff and go to bed. If the meds aren't working you need to get onto your gp for referrals.

Is it ideal? No it's really shit.

Maybe you should do as what your partners ex does, gets the other parent to step up.

MzHz · 30/03/2021 16:17

@TopBitchoftheWitches

Op, it's not all about you. They are his children and come first. Grow up.
This idea is SO wrong!

Even with our own kids sometimes we DO come first.

We come first with our partner sometimes, sometimes our partner comes first.

A lot of the time the kids are put first. All decisions are made with them in the equation, but sometimes their wants and needs are not the main focus. And this is right. They can and should be able to understand this. The alternative is that we create a generation of kids who have no concept of consideration for others, no sense of gratitude or manners.

In this scenario, if the contact is already arranged, the dad needs to make sure he steps up and manages what his dc need, and tbh, what op dc needs. Sounds like she does a huge amount for others and right now, she’s in need of additional consideration and support.

I’m so bored of seeing so much wife work done, so much work being done for other people’s kids. He could make it all doable by simply doing his share in caring for his children and caring for his partner.

baileys6904 · 30/03/2021 17:45

@mzhz. Actually I completely disagree. As a parent my child and their needs come first. That's part of being a mum

@laceybetty. Thankfully some step mums adore their stepchildren. I'll never have quite the same bond as with my own but near as damn it. This is why I hate these type of threads, it's absolutely tarnishes the step mum title and good forbid my step kids ever doubt how much I care for them.

Vooga · 30/03/2021 17:49

This is one of several threads in the last few days about step parents not wanting step children in their house because they're tired, they're I'll, they're pregnant, they have a baby etc etc. It's shocking. Those kids need to see their dad and their dad has a responsibility to his children. You don't just send kids away when you're in pain, most people wouldn't even have that option. It's genuinely shocked me and it's disgusting. All these poor kids who are made to feel unwelcome in their father's home. And yes they do notice, even if you're sure you're always nice to them.

Norwaydidnthappen · 30/03/2021 17:52

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30scrisis · 30/03/2021 17:58

You're with a man with kids, unfortunately you just can't have a kid free house just because you've got a bad back. I totally understand that when you're feeling poorly that you would want peace and quiet, I get that. But life with children simply doesn't work that way. I've got a progressive disability and suffer with pain on a weekly basis, I have absolutely no one to ship my kids off to. I have to get on with it.

MzHz · 30/03/2021 18:20

[quote baileys6904]@mzhz. Actually I completely disagree. As a parent my child and their needs come first. That's part of being a mum

@laceybetty. Thankfully some step mums adore their stepchildren. I'll never have quite the same bond as with my own but near as damn it. This is why I hate these type of threads, it's absolutely tarnishes the step mum title and good forbid my step kids ever doubt how much I care for them.[/quote]
Am also a mum.

Also know what I’m talking about.

When you put everyone before you, when others are always the priority, you will NEVER be theirs because they don’t think you matter because they’ve never see you have your needs even on the table, let alone met.

A poor example when it comes to raising adults.

Shortiemyboo · 30/03/2021 18:21

Yabu. Its their home too. Go up to your room and tell them not to disturb you.

MzHz · 30/03/2021 18:22

@Vooga

This is one of several threads in the last few days about step parents not wanting step children in their house because they're tired, they're I'll, they're pregnant, they have a baby etc etc. It's shocking. Those kids need to see their dad and their dad has a responsibility to his children. You don't just send kids away when you're in pain, most people wouldn't even have that option. It's genuinely shocked me and it's disgusting. All these poor kids who are made to feel unwelcome in their father's home. And yes they do notice, even if you're sure you're always nice to them.
It’s usually indicative of rhe bloke NOT actually looking after HIS children and assuming the SM just gets on with it.

Not seeing anywhere near the vitriol for the WonderDads tho.

WisnaeMe · 30/03/2021 18:23

You don't just send kids away when you're in pain

but OP does have this option, and the thread is about her options.

diwrnachoflleyn · 30/03/2021 18:26

So go to your mum's with your child. Or find someone who doesn't have all those kids.

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