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Original poster

Partner having his kids around when I'm not well

196 replies

Madboutcats · 30/03/2021 10:15

My partner & I live together. I have 1 child & he got 3 kids. Generally, I'm not bothered if his 3 kids are in our house but atm, I got severe back pain & I just want to be on my own. I tried to explain to him that I'm in so much pain that dealing with my kid is bad enough without his kids being around as well. But he doesn't understand. I'm getting rather frustrated bout it. He says his kids are not as noisy as my one is. My mom takes my kid to her place when I just want to rest. His kids don't live here so why should I have to put up with it when I'm in pain? Any advice, thoughts or even to tell me I'm overreacting etc, I'd like to know.

OP posts:

Original poster

Madboutcats · 31/03/2021 03:28

Oh, the kids are not caught in a battle btw. No-one is reading my threads. All this cos of my back, that's it.

OP posts:

JustLyra · 31/03/2021 03:32

People are reading. Not agreeing with you doesn’t mean not reading.

WisnaeMe · 31/03/2021 03:33

OP Ive reported the Thread again.

Thenose · 31/03/2021 03:37

"When my partner is ill, he will cancel seeing his kids & see them another night in the week. The kids mother will change plans to suit herself & if she had enough of one of her kids, she will give him over to us which is not a problem. Her boyfriend got a broken ankle so she don't want the kids around."

So, all four adults think it's okay to push these children from pillar to post according to the adults' convenience. How absolutely rubbish for them. How do they keep a track of what's happening? Poor kids.

user1481840227 · 31/03/2021 03:39

But that's what happens when you have kids or your partner has kids, sometimes it can be difficult to look after them for various reasons and you'd love a break but you can't just make the kids leave the house.

You said your partner cancels when he's sick, does the mother get that luxury too? Does he go and pick them up and mind them when she's sick and give her a break? I doubt it

Her and her partner probably have had plenty of times where they would have felt like they need a break/rest over the 300+ days a year that the kids are with them but they didn't get the break.

MindyStClaire · 31/03/2021 03:43

We have no family nearby and two small children. When one or both of us is ill we just muddle through because that's how it is when you're a parent.

If your partner was too ill to parent then great, have a flexible relationship with their mum but the kids are due to spend some extra time with their dad over the holidays and he's perfectly capable of looking after them.

If their mum is unreliable then it's even more important for their dad to be a consistent presence in their life and only cancel visits when in dire straits.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 31/03/2021 03:54

@Madboutcats

I have always accepted his kids. All I ask is for a little bit of consideration & discussion as to when they come over. Is that unfair? He had the kids all of last weekend & the kids mother wanted him to have them Monday to Wednesday. Is it wrong of me to ask for one day where there is no kids?

Yes it is, the kids being at your house or not will have no impact on your back pain as peace and quiet do not ease it.

Take some painkillers, put a heat pack on it and seek medical advice if it is not getting any better. You send your DD away twice a week to your mums, at least you get that help, I get none with a chronic lung condition with 3 kids

LolaSmiles · 31/03/2021 03:56

So he normally sees is kids 2 weekends a month and you're complaining that he's seen them more lately, but you don't want them round now because you're unwell?

Your partner is 50% responsible for his children. As it stands his ex has the children all but 4 days a month, and yet the way you speak about their mum passing the children to you when she's 'had enough' speaks volumes. Whilst you're saying it's not a problem, perhaps it's a sign that your DP should be doing a bit more for his children in general.

If people get into relationships with a parent then their children are part of the package. A child having time with their parents should not be based on whether a parent's new partner wants them around or not

Newstaronhorizon · 31/03/2021 04:01

Op, you say you are deaf so presumably the vibrations of his DC hurt your back since he does the childcare for them ?

Or is it the sight of them that makes your back worse?

It sounds as if your resentment of their mother causes your back pain.

All these issues point to a psychosomatic relationship between his DC and your backpain rather than the DC themselves.

Because your partner doesn't prioritise his love and care for you over his DC then this is also causing you psychosomatic pain and resentment.

When you have a genuine physical pain then psychosomatic pain makes your doubly irritable.

Sorry op but no good dad will ever put you first over his DC or the mother of his DC so you will need to come to terms with this for your sake let alone the poor DC caught up in a no win situation.

Best learn to change the way you feel about their mum and your partner's treatment of you if you want to improve things. Can you do that?

If you cannot you will be storing up a lifetime of seething resentment which is going to be hell on earth for you and pychosomatically going to make your back pain far worse.

Kintsuji · 31/03/2021 04:25

@Madboutcats

He normally only sees them 2 weekends a month. But cos of half term, he's seeing them more cos she wants to the kids out the way to care for her boyfriend's ankle so is that more important than my back?

2 weekends a month is the bare minimum. You make it sound like she's always offloading them then this. I think it's very reasonable for their mum to need a break and for their dad to step up in holidays/half terms when he sees them so little. It's not your back versus his ankle, it's your OH needing to step up and parent his kids more over school breaks because he does so little the rest of the time. You find a way to make it work, that's what parents and families do.

SionnachGlic · 31/03/2021 04:34

They are his kids...in his home. He can look after them. You go to bed. YABU...I can understand you would like peace & quiet but...you got with a guy who has 3 kids...suck it up, I'm afraid.

Sakurami · 31/03/2021 05:15

It is nicer not to have kids round when you're ill but get him to deal with them op.

PeggyHill · 31/03/2021 05:25

Sounds like he doesn't see much of his kids. I wouldn't be pushing for them to come over less often.

I do think he should be the one looking after time when they are with him - I wonder if you're being expected to look after them for him which is why you're getting pissed off and feeling like you need a break. A lot of men expect this of their female partner

HappySwordMaker · 31/03/2021 06:01

There are so many kids living in miserable situations. They have no control over their lives and are at the mercy of the adults who brought them into the world. If you want to lead a cushy life in peace and quiet on the couch, find a boyfriend who is childless. Part of being a parent is sucking it up when you don’t feel well. Don’t expect any child to have empathy for your problems, because they won’t. YABU

thebestnamehere · 31/03/2021 06:08

Put some wax earplugs in. Or go to your mother's house

GingerScallop · 31/03/2021 06:25

@user1481840227 to be fair, she said early on that the mum gets a break, sending them to their dad's to nurse boyfriend's ankle or for other reasons.

OP I think you and your partner have to partner and parent. He can take the kids out and allow you rest time. While they are around you accommodate him: pain killer, heat pack

Kokosrieksts · 31/03/2021 06:41

YABU.

30scrisis · 31/03/2021 06:48

I actually had a degree of sympathy for you, even as a single mum with kids who's dads do the bare minimum, until you said your bf has his kids two weekends a month! Disney dad at his finest. Those poor children. Four nights a month and you don't even want that. You should be ashamed of yourself as a human being!!

MrsBungle · 31/03/2021 06:53

Children not wanted at home with their mum because of her boyfriend. Children not wanted at home with their dad because of his girlfriend. It staggers me that parents treat their children this way.

Sakurami · 31/03/2021 07:04

I thought op said she is deaf so kids noise isn't an issue?

HoppingPavlova · 31/03/2021 07:11

I’m not judging but you are making no sense.

When DH has his kids over (and you are in pain), then he would be looking after them. What are you doing for them? Anything you are doing needs to stop. Given he would be doing everything for them I’m struggling to understand the issue. You don’t need to hide in your bedroom, just sit on the couch. If they want to play x-box or something on the tv but you are watching it then tough, they need to do something else. Simple. You say you need to walk around, so how can you not walk around just because they are there? None of this makes sense.

Of course if your DH is sick and can’t look after his kids he will see if he can cancel them, as he is the one that should be looking after them not you.

Of course when you are unwell and cannot look after your own child you see if your mother can look after them instead as you are the one that should be looking after your child, not DH ultimately.

Radio4Rocks · 31/03/2021 07:22

It really is time MN dealt with the abuse thrown at step mothers by a minority of posters who can't wait to put the boot in. Very unpleasant reading, very unpleasant people.

Thesheerrelief · 31/03/2021 07:32

@Madboutcats

Sounds like this is about resentment of the kids' mother. They are only there four nights a month usually and their mother asked for mon-wed this week as well. That's not much. Do you feel your bad back is less important than the mother's boyfriend's ankle?

saraclara · 31/03/2021 07:39

@Radio4Rocks

It really is time MN dealt with the abuse thrown at step mothers by a minority of posters who can't wait to put the boot in. Very unpleasant reading, very unpleasant people.

I agree with you that MN can be unreasonable to stepmothers. But this isn't one of those threads.

This father parents his children for four whole days a month in normal times. Yes, when it comes to holidays they should get to see him more.

I totally get that when you're in pain, having extra people around is hard, but staying out of their way of getting their father to take them out is the obvious way to go. Not demand that they don't see their father.

And then when the kids mother (who parents for the other 26 days asks for similar favours, she's palming them off?

LolaSmiles · 31/03/2021 07:54

It really is time MN dealt with the abuse thrown at step mothers by a minority of posters who can't wait to put the boot in. Very unpleasant reading, very unpleasant people
I agree, where there's a clear anti-stepmother issue and where people are being abusive to OPs. I think there's a lot of anti-step mum issues regarding house rules with step children and a lot of step mums are expected to tolerate their DP Disney Dadding with his kids in the same house where they have boundaries for theirs. Same for the "treat DSC the same as your children, wait not like that, you shouldn't discipline them or have rules that's not your place'.

But 50% of what some posters claim is anti-stepmum bullying is actually people rightfully pointing out that when you choose to have a relationship with a father, he has children who he should be doing more than 4 days a month for. There's an awful lot of threads at the moment that can be summed up as either:
"I don't want the stepchildren round here because it's inconvenient to me and anyway we already did mum a favour by having them more last week/DP having them.some of the time when schools were closed"
Or
I don't want the stepchildren around because it inconveniences me. They should go back to their Mum because DP conveniently forgot the Easter holidays existed/is busy at work

Men with children shouldn't get to pick and choose when they feel like being a dad and children's contact with their father shouldn't hinge on whether a new partner wants some child free time.

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