Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Original poster

Partner having his kids around when I'm not well

196 replies

Madboutcats · 30/03/2021 10:15

My partner & I live together. I have 1 child & he got 3 kids. Generally, I'm not bothered if his 3 kids are in our house but atm, I got severe back pain & I just want to be on my own. I tried to explain to him that I'm in so much pain that dealing with my kid is bad enough without his kids being around as well. But he doesn't understand. I'm getting rather frustrated bout it. He says his kids are not as noisy as my one is. My mom takes my kid to her place when I just want to rest. His kids don't live here so why should I have to put up with it when I'm in pain? Any advice, thoughts or even to tell me I'm overreacting etc, I'd like to know.

OP posts:

Bunnybigears · 30/03/2021 11:50

None of you know me & yet, very judgemental.

If you want responses from people who know you then ask people who know you. You asked a bunch of strangers so you get the answers from a bunch of strangers who can only go on the words you have posted.

munchiemunch · 30/03/2021 11:51

You have the right to live your life how you want. It sounds like you’re fed up and had enough of compromising. That doesn’t make you a bad person. You just don’t enjoy this life. You can have a different life. You don’t have to live with him. You don’t have to put up with his kids. It’s not the law. You get to decide how you live your life. If you want your house to yourself then get it. Tell him you want to live by yourself. You’re probably not compatible. That’s ok.

HooverIsAlwaysBroken · 30/03/2021 11:51

OP, in the kindest possible way, don’t be a martyr.

I understand that you are in a dreadful pain and I can imagine that you want to do your best. Don’t.

Your partner is entitled to see his children also at your house (as long as no Covid).

You don’t have to look after them, play with them or fix them snacks if you are in so much pain that you sent your own DC away. Tell the children that you are unwell and need to be on your own. Then retreat somewhere with Netflix, earphones, snacks and drinks. If they come and ask you (for) things, keep reiterating “sorry darling, I am in a lot of pain, ask your dad”.

Finally, tell your partner that it would be a crime to keep them inside in the lovely weather. Send them all out for a long walk/play in the park.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 30/03/2021 11:51

@Madboutcats

But it's okay when their mother ships them off when she feels like it? I can't have a break & get over my pain because it doesn't suit anyone else? I would have preferred his kids come over for a short time, that is all. None of you know me & yet, very judgemental.

When you date someone with kids it’s a package deal. You don’t need the kids to be at their mums, you need their dad to look after them if you are ill. What do you think parents of the same children in the same house do when sick?

foxhat · 30/03/2021 11:54

I'm a bit confused about why you can't have a break when the kids are in the house? If you are significant pain you may well not be able to look after the kids. But you OH still has responsibilities so he should. There needs to be a rule that kids don't come into your bedroom and need to keep the noise down and it is your OH who should look after the kids and make sure they stick to this. Then you can rest in your room with a little bit of peace. Is is expecting you to look after them just because you're a woman?

baileys6904 · 30/03/2021 11:56

I've taken on 3 kids, my dp has taken on my one.

I class myself in a family of 5 now, not 2 seperate ones. It's what I agreed to when progressing our relationship.
If my DP suggested my child go to his dad's cos dp wasn't feeling well or in pain, there's only one person that would be leaving and it wouldn't be my child. On a similar note, there's bene plenty of times when I've not been well or in pain and I've taken myself into the bedroom and let him get on with it, with whichever kids are about. It's part of being a partnership
Perhaps this isn't the relationship for you, there seems to be a lot of resentment which is fine-not everyone is made to bring up someone else's children, it's not unicorns and flowers all the time. Just don't force yourself to try. It will end up with resentment and anger and some fucked up kids along the way

earthyfire · 30/03/2021 12:01

You've got a bad back therefore HE can't see his children? Sorry but I think you're being unreasonable here.

ChronicallyCurious · 30/03/2021 12:02

YABU. What did you expect when you moved in with a man who already had kids from another relationship? They will always come first.

Slackarse · 30/03/2021 12:03

”Any advice, thoughts or even to tell me I'm overreacting etc, I'd like to know.”

Except that you really don’t want to know.

And also, just because the mother isn’t doing things right, according to you, doesn’t mean that you have to do the same.

Amanda87 · 30/03/2021 12:06

@Zoecarter

There his kids. That means his home is there home too. Either go to your mums or go to another room and leave him to deal With them

They're!

nitsandwormsdodger · 30/03/2021 12:07

You can't ban his kids because you have back pain that's really unfair on them
Why can't you Relax in your bedroom undisturbed or go to your mums to chill?

DioneTheDiabolist · 30/03/2021 12:12

What is it they do that upsets you and why can't their father take care of them so you can rest @Madboutcats?

Milkshake7489 · 30/03/2021 12:12

I'm sorry you're feeling rubbish and it's great that your mum takes your child when you want a rest (interested to know what you would do if this wasn't an option though?). But, if you choose to live with your dp, you have to accept that his children have every right to be there regardless of how you're feeling. Their dad's house is their home too.

What would you do if circumstances changed and they needed/wanted to live with their dad fulltime? If you can't accept that your partner and his children are a package deal you need to find a partner without children.

That's not to say you should be doing any of the childcare though. Leave your DP to care for the children and take yourself off to bed.

FruitLoopzz · 30/03/2021 12:21

So your mum takes your kid when you are unwell, what if you didn’t have that option? Your kid would be with you I assume even if you’re unwell?

Maybe he doesn’t have any other option? And it’s not him who’s unwell so I assume he’s dealing with his kids when they are over?

As long as you have a room to relax in and isolate yourself to get some rest then you shouldn’t be expecting much more.

WallaceinAnderland · 30/03/2021 12:22

Why don't you go to your mum's to rest, or shut yourself in your bedroom. You can't stop your dh having his children over.

FruitLoopzz · 30/03/2021 12:25

@Bunnybigears - totally agree with you, we never know the posters personally and try and advise based on the info they give us. In this post we’ve answered according to what OP has told us. Maybe there’s more to this, underlying issues that we’re not aware of x

TheCrowening · 30/03/2021 12:25

The children going to spend time with their dad isn’t “shipping them off” it’s parenting.

No, you shouldn’t have to be parenting them, but their dad should. You feeling unwell doesn’t change that. If it’s his house it’s also theirs, even if they don’t live there full time.

MiddleParking · 30/03/2021 12:33

@Madboutcats

No, it isn’t okay - like so many of the children described in blended families on here it sounds like they’re being badly parented from all angles.

Brieminewine · 30/03/2021 12:41

Don’t really see how you having a bad back stops your step kids visiting? He’ll be doing the parenting and you can lay in bed and do nothing as you’ve sent your child away?

Or is it that you don’t want them there because you want your boyfriends undivided attention?

ExhaustedFlamingo · 30/03/2021 12:43

From your comments OP your back pain sounds like a chronic issue. I have a similar problem so I empathise, it’s rotten.

But you can’t decide your partner can’t have the kids in his home every time your back plays up. You can insist he does everything but you can’t refuse to allow them in. There’s not even a reason, you can chill out in your bedroom and close the door. Problem solved.

And as for the mother shipping them off whenever she fancies too.....poor kids. They’re going to realise they’re not really wanted anywhere.

You having back pain doesn’t mean the kids don’t get to see their dad. If that feels unfair to you then you might want to reconsider whether a relationship with step kids is for you. It’s not for everyone and that’s fine but there’s kids in the middle here, and it’s not fair for them to be pushed away from everywhere 😢

cookiecreampie · 30/03/2021 12:49

Yabvvu. You got with someone who has kids. What would you be like if he had sole custody of them and lived with you all the time? You wouldn't get a break. If they were your own children, you wouldn't get a break. They are his children, your home is their home and you have no right to expect him to send them away for you.

MoiJeJous · 30/03/2021 12:53

Very unreasonable. I hope you don’t show the kids that this is how you feel.

Lochmorlich · 30/03/2021 13:13

I frequently have severe back pain and totally feel for you op.
I just want to be completely on my own when my back is really sore and 3 extra dc would stress me out.
However, your dsc can’t really be banned from the house.
I would compromise and insist your dp keeps the dc away from you as much as possible and that you stay in your bedroom more.

WisnaeMe · 30/03/2021 13:49

OP it's your pain, your choice in what to do. This is your life.

You do not need validation from Mumsnet to make decisions in your life.

get well soon 🌸

WaterBottle123 · 30/03/2021 13:51

The obvious backstory here is the boyfriend doesn't parent his own kids when he has them or it wouldn't be a problem

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

Swipe left for the next trending thread