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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pissed off - husband and my counselling sessions

304 replies

VeraDonovan · 29/03/2021 11:56

I have managed to get some counselling via the NHS for complex trauma and so far I have had three sessions. I am finding these sessions quite upsetting as they are dredging up past violence, including rape.

As we are in lockdown these sessions are by telephone. I work full time so I have been arranging the calls before I leave for work.

My husband worked at home for months last year during the first lockdown and only started going back into the office in September. He still works from home on Fridays and my counselling sessions are on Thursdays.

Obviously it is the bank holiday weekend coming up and he asked me on Saturday whether I had a session this week as he wanted to work from home on Thursday instead of Friday because he is not at work over the bank holiday. I said I did and he was a bit sulky because he wanted to work from home but he knows I want privacy for these calls.

He has text me this morning "checking" whether I have my counselling call on Thursday. I said I did but that I would sit in the car and take the call if he wanted to work from home. He then said he would "go out and walk the streets" during my call which made me feel as if I was putting him out so I said I would cancel my call for this week. He then said he would be at home next week as well during my call.

I feel really annoyed about this. He knows how important this is to me. Obviously his need to work from home is much more important than how I feel.

I don't know if I am being out of order here or whether he is just a selfish twat.

OP posts:
ContractClockAndCrucible · 30/03/2021 00:12

Don't let on to him that you've rebooked your counselling for next week. If he knows he'll decide to wfh that day, if he doesn't know he'll probably go in to work.

EKGEMS · 30/03/2021 00:12

@RavingAnnie and @Bumpsadaisie You two lack any empathy and kindness in your posts-do you feel better posting it? Having a bad day?

RavingAnnie · 30/03/2021 00:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zandra123 · 30/03/2021 00:28

I had a similar situation, in fact I hadn't even told him up I had counselling. I just drove to a quiet spot and took a drink and took the call in the car. It was ok, except January was a bit cold

picknmix1984 · 30/03/2021 00:30

One of the first changes you make post therapy is to maybe rid yourself of this selfish twat?

CandyLeBonBon · 30/03/2021 00:31

Have you actually read the op's updates at all, or are you just generally a bit tone deaf @RavingAnnie

PrivateMe · 30/03/2021 00:31

I could have written your post, OP.

Also in long term therapy for Complex trauma including rape, and living with a DH who feels threatened by my sessions.
It's easier for me now that DH's work hours have changed, taking him more into 9-5 role: this means I can have my session 9-5. The problem I have is when 9-5 can't go ahead, and we have young children and one car, so I have to let him know what's going on. I hate how his face darkens each time, and a few months ago it came to a head where he actually asked me to stop therapy because he's afraid I'm being taken for a ride.

When I listed my traumas, he remained unmoved. And it's pretty big stuff. He just doesn't want me to go to therapy because he's afraid I won't want to be with him anymore. What he doesn't realise is this behaviour makes me feel this way more than ever!

But anyway, I wanted to tell you you're not alone, whatever you do, don't give up therapy.

In the summer I used to drive to somewhere remote for car therapy, and that way I couldn't be recognised if I was having a moment in the car. Would that work for you?

PrivateMe · 30/03/2021 00:34

So sorry OP, I hadn't read your most recent posts either. I see things have moved on, besides, you say you don't want car therapy. I hadn't read that point and do apologise for this. I hope all goes well for you in therapy and in your life.

RavingAnnie · 30/03/2021 00:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YNK · 30/03/2021 00:42

WYF is wrong with some of you?????

This woman has a secure tenancy and needs to get her abuser out!
Please op @VeraDonovan. please ring womens aid!

YNK · 30/03/2021 00:47

This mumsnet is not the place I once knew as standing by women who are in abusive relationships and providing a safe refuge for them!

I'm disgusted by the lack of understanding and support being shown to the op

AmberItsACertainty · 30/03/2021 01:22

OP please check that if you cancel you'll get the sessions later. You don't always with NHS. Sometimes you're expected to commit to them weekly for however many sessions there are and if you skip one you might lose it.

Tell your husband he needs to go outside during the call. Don't feel guilty putting him out, your health comes before his convenience.

Lock the doors too so there's no popping back early for any reason. Don't sit in the car what if you cry you'll feel awkward people seeing. He's already taking the piss with next week's session too, don't set this precident. Rebook this week if you can and if you'll lose it otherwise, then tell him you've changed your mind.

AmberItsACertainty · 30/03/2021 01:31

@VeraDonovan

And I know what would happen if I asked him to go for a walk. There would suddenly be an urgent call he needed to take or a Teams meeting at 8.30am or some other reason he couldn't leave the house.

Ultimately he just will not give me any space my own in the house. I don't know why I feel upset about this because everything is always about what he wants.

Well he's a delight isn't he.

Ask him to put the bins out/fetch something from the car/ anything that involves him leaving the house at 8am then lock him out? No use waiting until 8.30 when the call starts that'll be too late.

No decent person feels threatened by their partner having therapy.

AmberItsACertainty · 30/03/2021 01:48

House is rented and in my sole name

This is excellent news. All you have to do is obtain the landlords permission to change the locks. That's it. Wait for husband to go out and do it. Bin bags his stuff and put it outside, having first photos of financial info you need for divorce.

me4real · 30/03/2021 01:49

Sometimes you're expected to commit to them weekly for however many sessions there are and if you skip one you might lose it.

@AmberItsACertainty They honestly wouldn't do that, sometimes people are ill and stuff and they understand that. As long as people forwarn them and don't skip sessions without warning repeatedly or anything it's ok. Obviously I'm not saying OP should do anything without letting her therapist know or something. Just that they are understanding.

AmberItsACertainty · 30/03/2021 02:00

@me4real

Sometimes you're expected to commit to them weekly for however many sessions there are and if you skip one you might lose it.

@AmberItsACertainty They honestly wouldn't do that, sometimes people are ill and stuff and they understand that. As long as people forwarn them and don't skip sessions without warning repeatedly or anything it's ok. Obviously I'm not saying OP should do anything without letting her therapist know or something. Just that they are understanding.

Unfortunately I know someone this happened to. They cancelled a session and were told they couldn't rearrange it, so they lost that session. The NHS can be spectacularly shit at times.
ismiseeire · 30/03/2021 02:10

You are being abused. He may not hit you on the face, but he is destroying you. I've read through your posts from start to finish and you are so bloody strong! God you have seen some things. Nothing will break you my dear, you're made of strong stuff.

I've been through similar and that realisation that you can survive without them is life changing. That freedom. Think of your new home. Think of how you'll decorate it. Whether you'll get fresh flowers or use candles. Think of being able to continue that therapy, continue with your work and start to actually flourish as yourself!

You're inspirational. My DFather incidentally has started to become increasingly abusive to me in the past 6 months. It's really distressing as he never was before. Everything I do is disparaged. I'm insulted at every opportunity. It's jarring.

You don't need this shit in your life. Really you don't. Pay a man to come in and paint and decorate. Take the bins out. That's about as useful as men are.

EKGEMS · 30/03/2021 02:33

@Bumpsadaisie You are very accusatory and unsympathetic to the OP and I didn't tag you by accident

Original poster
VeraDonovan · 30/03/2021 06:50

Morning everyone. Thanks for all of your messages and I’m overwhelmed by your support. He’s gone out to work now so I don’t have to deal with him this morning. I’m at work today and then at my friend’s house later so I won’t see much of him today.

I’m not giving up my counselling sessions. I only get five and I’ve had three already. As I said it’s opened up a can of worms so I’m going to look into finding a private counsellor who specialises in trauma.

As far as I’m concerned the marriage is over. I thought that underneath it all he cared about me. He doesn’t. I don’t need him in my life.

OP posts:
orangesnapples · 30/03/2021 07:24

Well done.
You sound so strong and inspiring.
Don't get caught in the mud, keep it moving and eventually you will be standing in beautiful sunshine xx

Justilou1 · 30/03/2021 07:33

Perhaps you should pack his bags while he’s at work and get the locks changed while you’re at it.

Bumpsadaisie · 30/03/2021 08:01

[quote EKGEMS]@Bumpsadaisie You are very accusatory and unsympathetic to the OP and I didn't tag you by accident [/quote]
Hm? I'm confused. You clearly want a fight as you've tagged me twice!

I guess people can read things in a way not intended on an Internet forum!

I said to the OP it's not a matter of having "done something wrong" when she cancelled her session - it is more about thinking how this came to happen. I don't think that's accusatory.

We do all have to look at our own role in our difficulties unpleasant as it is, and the OP is being very brave with engaging with that. She is asking the question in her posts "I wonder if I miss controlling behaviour, I wonder if I cancel things that are important to me to placate others?" which are all valid questions.

All of which well help her protect herself and I really hope not have these very frightening and bad experiences again.

Of course it's true that the violent sulky controlling or abusing man is the one at fault in her relationships but she is rightly curious as to how she can protect herself better.

AmyLou100 · 30/03/2021 08:10

Hi op. Be proud of yourself for finally realizing you are so deserving of so much more. This man is abusing you but at the extreme opposite of your ex.
Please continue with your counselling, even if you have to go private. I'm glad you can see his true colors but more important you can finally see your worth. You have done nothing wrong here.

Bumpsadaisie · 30/03/2021 08:11

@VeraDonovan

Morning everyone. Thanks for all of your messages and I’m overwhelmed by your support. He’s gone out to work now so I don’t have to deal with him this morning. I’m at work today and then at my friend’s house later so I won’t see much of him today.

I’m not giving up my counselling sessions. I only get five and I’ve had three already. As I said it’s opened up a can of worms so I’m going to look into finding a private counsellor who specialises in trauma.

As far as I’m concerned the marriage is over. I thought that underneath it all he cared about me. He doesn’t. I don’t need him in my life.

Good luck finding a private counsellor. I think you've started some really brave and valuable work that could help you make sure you don't end up with another violent sexually abusing sulky controlling man. Calling time on this one is the start of that.

Not everyone is prepared to make that kind of commitment to look seriously at their own role in things - so hats off to you.

NotSorry · 30/03/2021 08:48

OP I remember when I was coming out the other side of my (first lot of) counselling - it was as though the fog had lifted and I was standing in sunshine- hope you can get there too Flowers