Pissed off - husband and my counselling sessions

[VeraDonovan]

I have managed to get some counselling via the NHS for complex trauma and so far I have had three sessions. I am finding these sessions quite upsetting as they are dredging up past violence, including rape.

As we are in lockdown these sessions are by telephone. I work full time so I have been arranging the calls before I leave for work.

My husband worked at home for months last year during the first lockdown and only started going back into the office in September. He still works from home on Fridays and my counselling sessions are on Thursdays.

Obviously it is the bank holiday weekend coming up and he asked me on Saturday whether I had a session this week as he wanted to work from home on Thursday instead of Friday because he is not at work over the bank holiday. I said I did and he was a bit sulky because he wanted to work from home but he knows I want privacy for these calls.

He has text me this morning "checking" whether I have my counselling call on Thursday. I said I did but that I would sit in the car and take the call if he wanted to work from home. He then said he would "go out and walk the streets" during my call which made me feel as if I was putting him out so I said I would cancel my call for this week. He then said he would be at home next week as well during my call.

I feel really annoyed about this. He knows how important this is to me. Obviously his need to work from home is much more important than how I feel.

I don't know if I am being out of order here or whether he is just a selfish twat.

VeraDonovan You may be damaged by your past by you can be repaired and things do get better. You might want to ask about psychodynamic psychotherapy ( you can get this on the NHS). It is longer term maybe 9 month to a year and is much deeper. this is what I'm currently undergoing.

You really need th esupport of your partner and He seem unable to give that support. He seems worried about how it effects him through you. I know that sort of control. You need to tell the therapist about this behaviour. Otherwise it will effect the outcome of any therapy or help you seek.

@Feedingthebirds1

It is possible to suggest that the OP is playing a role in keeping herself away from the help she needs while at the same time not "blaming" her.

But what you're picking up on is that although the DH offered to go for a walk, OP cancelled the session anyway. What that misses is that he didn't mean it. OP doesn't trust him (with good reason by the sound of it) to actually do it. She knows/very much fears that when it gets to Thursday he'll refuse to go out. Or go out for long enough for her to start her session and then walk back in. She can't live with that fear, it would be worse for her MH to do so than cancelling the session. So no, she's not afraid of the counselling, she's not trying to find reasons to avoid it because it's traumatic. She cancelled because her H is a nasty, selfish man who doesn't care abut her and he is the one sabotaging the counselling, not her.

I agree. I had the same fear about my ex. He did do this, and I could never be certain he wouldn't return home early.

He had a major need to control the narrative, and I struggled to tell people what he was like for such a long time.

Walk the streets 🙄

@ohfourfoxache

Could you make sure that you explain all this to the counsellor? They might be able to swap appointments around for you in he continues to be a cuntweasel (even if you only have 1/2 sessions left)

Fwiw I think you’re doing the right thing getting rid of this turd

Agree with this - your counsellor may even be able to see your face to face if you explain the difficulty of getting the right setting.

Most NHS services I know are working f2f at present especially with patients who can't guarantee a safe space at home.

If you can survive all the things you did as a very young woman then you are unstoppably strong. This idiot who calls you terrible names and doesn’t look after you is a lowlife. You are a MILLION times better than him. Get yourself free, you wonderful woman

I am going to tell my counsellor next week what has happened and see if she can recommend anyone for ongoing and preferably face to face counselling/CBT/EMDR. I would obviously prefer face to face anyway but even more so while he is still in my house. Hopefully after he has left I can try and build a life for myself.

OP I have nothing I can add to the supportive posters. I just want to say you are doing the right thing. You husband sounds so much like my ex husband, that's the kind of thing he would have done.

I've had a lot of counselling - I would not want to have those calls sitting in my car.

OP, are you in London? I have had therapy sessions with a woman who was just brilliant. I have a similar history to you. She is offering f2f appointments now (North East London). Also via zoom or telephone. She was brilliant with the f2f ones. It was offered through a charity called Haven www.havennetwork.org.uk/ They are mainly for sexual violence, but also for domestic violence, childhood violence etc. Waiting list, but 16 sessions for free offered. That's how I met the therapist I would recommend. She volunteered with the charity about 3 years ago. She now only works privately. The sessions are £50 per hour. If you're in an area viable to see her, I will send you her mobile number privately if you ask. Also contact that group the Haven. They appear to be all over.

I've not read the whole thread but wanted to say that I've spoken to my therapist from my car via zoom on my mobile phone.

It's not ideal, but it's far better than not being able to engage because you don't want to be overheard.

@freckles20

I've not read the whole thread but wanted to say that I've spoken to my therapist from my car via zoom on my mobile phone.

It's not ideal, but it's far better than not being able to engage because you don't want to be overheard.

You do need to read the full thread.

@Butwasitherdriveway

Walk the streets 🙄

"...for money? You don't care if it's wrong or if it's right.... ROXEAAAANNNNNNNEEEEE."

Sorry. Couldn't resist.

That's what popped into my head when I read it the first time.

Don’t worry, I like The Police. No need to get your coat!

How dare he call you those awful, vile names. You are his equal, and you sometimes have opinions, and they're just as valid as his.

Well done for finding your strength.

You are finding your voice and your anger - good therapy will do that. It’s not uncommon for people’s partners to notice their growing confidence and capacity for using the ‘no’ word, and to not like it one little bit. Making it hard for you to have your counselling sessions is a bad sign. Other things to watch out for are subtle (and not so subtle) suggestions that the counsellor ‘doesn’t know what she’s talking about’ or that ‘this counselling is making you worse’. I’d be wary of sharing any thoughts and feelings about your therapy with your chap until you feel a bit clearer. You are right to say the constant anxiety and vigilance caused by your past experiences is getting in the way of working out how you feel about your current partner; those traumatised reactions both leave us feeling constantly in danger so it’s hard to decide what is actually unsafe or troubling in our situation right now. Stick with the therapy, OP. You sound like you have a good counsellor.

@VeraDonovan

Don’t worry, I like The Police. No need to get your coat!

😁

Hi @VeraDonovan I have been thinking about you, and I realised that you may benefit from this YouTuber I found a while ago. You could hurl some headphones on when he’s in a meeting and have some useful, understanding headspace. Obviously you can pick and choose what is useful to you and/or listen to everything. She’s amazing.

Hope youre ok today op and hes moving out-dont know for sure but as hes not on the tenancy i dont think he has an legal right to stay

you could ask the police to attend if he refuses

Hope you are doing ok OP.

Big theory there. He wants to work from home Thursday as he doesn't work good Friday. Nothing about that suggests some massive fear about the repercussions of therapy in their relationship

@withmycoffee He's claimed he's going to choose to be home next Thurday, too. It's a bit of a coincidence.

You are right to say the constant anxiety and vigilance caused by your past experiences is getting in the way of working out how you feel about your current partner; those traumatised reactions both leave us feeling constantly in danger so it’s hard to decide what is actually unsafe or troubling in our situation right now.

@Craftycorvid Sometimes past experiences can make people more aware of what's happening in situations. I don't think OP is wrong in thinking her husband is controlling in general etc.

I don’t think so either Me4Real. She said the hypervigilance was making it difficult to sort out her feelings about the current situation - hence working on the past - and I was agreeing that if we are in a state of constant alertness to danger, we can actually find it difficult to assess the danger around us at times.

How are you getting on @VeraDonovan?

Accept his offer to go for a walk. Or, just take your call in the car

You're agitating yourself yet you have solutions.

If you'd said 'ok that'll be good thanks' when he offered to walk the streets, I bet he'd soon have found himself at work in the office the following week.

You're thinking of him in this instance instead of thinking of yourself and putting yourself first.

He can go out for an hour as suggested. If he huffs, be blunt and tell him he's not going to spoil your counselling session and that's all.

@DeeCeeCherry I don't know if you've RTFT but OP is worried if he went out the husband would come back half way through her session. She can't guarantee her privacy which she needs for her counselling.

You can't judge him by the standards of decent blokes- he's not one of them and isn't going to act like one. OP knows him.

She also isn't comfortable with having her session in the car for various reasons.

She should be able to have an hour or whatever to herself at home for something important. It's not unreasonable.

@VeraDonovan Pubs/coffee houses etc are open outside now, so he won't have to just walk the streets. Not that that makes a difference.

Did you have your session? How did it go? How're you feeling?

OP how are you ? is he gone 🌸

@ShirleyPhallus

He then said he would "go out and walk the streets" during my call which made me feel as if I was putting him out so I said I would cancel my call for this week.

Why did you cancel it when he said he’d go out for it? Just say “that would be great, thanks” and move on with your day. Afraid you’ve just unnecessarily martyred yourself there.

Sorry about your past trauma

This.

He offered to go out - so where’s the problem? Sounds like you are both being a bit ‘miffy’ and unnecessarily complicating the issue - one of you needs to be direct and it’s you - say you have changed your mind and the walk sounds like the best solution - I think the calls that he’s a ‘twat’ are extreme.