Pissed off - husband and my counselling sessions

[VeraDonovan]

I have managed to get some counselling via the NHS for complex trauma and so far I have had three sessions. I am finding these sessions quite upsetting as they are dredging up past violence, including rape.

As we are in lockdown these sessions are by telephone. I work full time so I have been arranging the calls before I leave for work.

My husband worked at home for months last year during the first lockdown and only started going back into the office in September. He still works from home on Fridays and my counselling sessions are on Thursdays.

Obviously it is the bank holiday weekend coming up and he asked me on Saturday whether I had a session this week as he wanted to work from home on Thursday instead of Friday because he is not at work over the bank holiday. I said I did and he was a bit sulky because he wanted to work from home but he knows I want privacy for these calls.

He has text me this morning "checking" whether I have my counselling call on Thursday. I said I did but that I would sit in the car and take the call if he wanted to work from home. He then said he would "go out and walk the streets" during my call which made me feel as if I was putting him out so I said I would cancel my call for this week. He then said he would be at home next week as well during my call.

I feel really annoyed about this. He knows how important this is to me. Obviously his need to work from home is much more important than how I feel.

I don't know if I am being out of order here or whether he is just a selfish twat.

I recommend you seek legal advice to get the ball rolling on divorce. He is playing along for now, but chances are he is about to make your life very difficult. The sooner you do this, the sooner you can be free of this awful man.

@Fireflygal the story gets twisted every time, so sorry you had that - being accused of restricting someone from their family is pretty horrible. Especially as it was to cover his own back. He probably believes his own lie, as it suits him. I also was forever encouraging my Ex to see his family, friends, supported him going out by being the one holding the baby all the time. Amazing that he also turned that around into labeling me controlling, amazing! How do they bloody do it.

A similar story - my Ex had a woman friend he regularly saw - call her ‘Jane’ they used to moan about their partners to each other. Ex couldn’t care less about her, he said, told me she bored him, and replaced her with an affair after a while. Completely dropped her.

Coincidentally I had a good friend ‘Carol’, who eventually told me that Jane had told several of my friends that I was toxic, that I controlled Ex and had banned him from seeing her. Luckily my friends knew that was rubbish. And they told ‘Jane’ that he was having multiple affairs and she couldn’t believe it, as he’d spent the whole time telling her how annoying I was but how loyal he was being. I had no idea Ex had thrown me under a bus with Jane to keep her as support. He did the same with his family, who all now hate me and think I need professional help. I find it quite chilling. You can see how women get isolated in abusive relationships. These guys don’t look bad, my Ex is ‘the nicest guy ever’. He kind of is! Wolf in sheep’s clothing.

I completely get the lies for OW benefit. They have their eye on the future. Calculating. My Ex I now realise had to have a good enough reason to basically abandon me and his profoundly disabled child. It could only be if I was impossible and controlling. It so confused me that he used to fly off the handle at the slightest thing I did. I now see it was to build his excuses for a decision he’d already made.

I sought professional help before I left, which might help OP. It was from a domestic violence organisation, which I would never have used as I felt I would be taking from women who are being beaten up. But I talked to a few helplines and they persuaded me that I needed to talk to someone. It was really helpful.

I cannot do therapy on the phone or zoom, only in person. It has been hard, on and off depending on where we are with the pandemic, but there is no way in hell that I would do it in the house with my DH or DCs inside. It took me years to work up a courage to go to therapy, as it is hard enough to talk about your deepest feelings with the stranger, but having your family around... no way. Your husband should have accommodated you.

@VeraDonovan

How are you ? did you manage to get your sessions 🌸