Pissed off - husband and my counselling sessions

[VeraDonovan]

I have managed to get some counselling via the NHS for complex trauma and so far I have had three sessions. I am finding these sessions quite upsetting as they are dredging up past violence, including rape.

As we are in lockdown these sessions are by telephone. I work full time so I have been arranging the calls before I leave for work.

My husband worked at home for months last year during the first lockdown and only started going back into the office in September. He still works from home on Fridays and my counselling sessions are on Thursdays.

Obviously it is the bank holiday weekend coming up and he asked me on Saturday whether I had a session this week as he wanted to work from home on Thursday instead of Friday because he is not at work over the bank holiday. I said I did and he was a bit sulky because he wanted to work from home but he knows I want privacy for these calls.

He has text me this morning "checking" whether I have my counselling call on Thursday. I said I did but that I would sit in the car and take the call if he wanted to work from home. He then said he would "go out and walk the streets" during my call which made me feel as if I was putting him out so I said I would cancel my call for this week. He then said he would be at home next week as well during my call.

I feel really annoyed about this. He knows how important this is to me. Obviously his need to work from home is much more important than how I feel.

I don't know if I am being out of order here or whether he is just a selfish twat.

[BlueButtercups]

@VeraDonovan

How are you ? did you manage to get your sessions 🌸

[loveyourself2020]

I cannot do therapy on the phone or zoom, only in person. It has been hard, on and off depending on where we are with the pandemic, but there is no way in hell that I would do it in the house with my DH or DCs inside. It took me years to work up a courage to go to therapy, as it is hard enough to talk about your deepest feelings with the stranger, but having your family around... no way. Your husband should have accommodated you.

[Rejoiningperson]

@Fireflygal the story gets twisted every time, so sorry you had that - being accused of restricting someone from their family is pretty horrible. Especially as it was to cover his own back. He probably believes his own lie, as it suits him. I also was forever encouraging my Ex to see his family, friends, supported him going out by being the one holding the baby all the time. Amazing that he also turned that around into labeling me controlling, amazing! How do they bloody do it.

A similar story - my Ex had a woman friend he regularly saw - call her ‘Jane’ they used to moan about their partners to each other. Ex couldn’t care less about her, he said, told me she bored him, and replaced her with an affair after a while. Completely dropped her.

Coincidentally I had a good friend ‘Carol’, who eventually told me that Jane had told several of my friends that I was toxic, that I controlled Ex and had banned him from seeing her. Luckily my friends knew that was rubbish. And they told ‘Jane’ that he was having multiple affairs and she couldn’t believe it, as he’d spent the whole time telling her how annoying I was but how loyal he was being. I had no idea Ex had thrown me under a bus with Jane to keep her as support. He did the same with his family, who all now hate me and think I need professional help. I find it quite chilling. You can see how women get isolated in abusive relationships. These guys don’t look bad, my Ex is ‘the nicest guy ever’. He kind of is! Wolf in sheep’s clothing.

I completely get the lies for OW benefit. They have their eye on the future. Calculating. My Ex I now realise had to have a good enough reason to basically abandon me and his profoundly disabled child. It could only be if I was impossible and controlling. It so confused me that he used to fly off the handle at the slightest thing I did. I now see it was to build his excuses for a decision he’d already made.

I sought professional help before I left, which might help OP. It was from a domestic violence organisation, which I would never have used as I felt I would be taking from women who are being beaten up. But I talked to a few helplines and they persuaded me that I needed to talk to someone. It was really helpful.

[violetbunny]

I recommend you seek legal advice to get the ball rolling on divorce. He is playing along for now, but chances are he is about to make your life very difficult. The sooner you do this, the sooner you can be free of this awful man.

[Fireflygal]

@Rejoiningperson, I would encourage Ex to meet friends or his family. I remember a date clash where his family and mine were having events. I fully supported him going to his. He didn't want to see his family because he wasn't close to them and felt annoyed that he has been asked at the last minute. Later that story waa rewritten ro me preventing him from seeing his family.

During the divorce I witnessed his ability to lie in court papers at the time it baffled me as it just seemed unnecessary as had no impact on finances. It became clear that it was for OWs benefit. I would never have believed him capable of such deception but how could he be a victim (and therefore blameless) unless I was a nasty, unhinged controlling person?

@VeraDonovan, there is a link to emotional stress and ill health so if you feel unwell please take care of yourself and get regular check ups. I speak from experience.

[Rejoiningperson]

I have gone back and read some of your posts OP. You’ve had a terrible time.

This sentence stood out too as well as for @Fireflygal He now says he never woke me up in the night and I forced him into the spare room. That kind of thing wrecks your head. My ex was a serial cheater, sexting 100s of women all the while we lived together (and had a child). I ended it, then he begged to be taken back and foolishly I did, also admitting he had a big problem and we sought professional advice, part of it was that Ex decided (and not me!) that he give me his password to his phone and computer so that nothing was hidden from me again.

A couple of years later and this has now become the narrative that I am a jealous, controlling witch who spies on his phone and controls his movements! Unbelievable. He used it to convince his family that he was totally justified in leaving.

[Rejoiningperson]

@VeraDonovan

Rejoiningperson - definitely all of this. I’m screaming inside and feeling like this is making me ill.

@VeraDonovan I really am sorry it sounds pretty devastating. I wish I could reach out and help! Hold firm, there must be some light at the end. Sending hugs.

I can’t believe so many of us have been through similar.

[me4real]

You're doing all the right things @VeraDonovan . Keep going and don't go back. xx

[Fireflygal]

@VeraDonovan, the bedroom situation happened to me. If Ex H went out drinking I asked if he could sleep in a spare room, it wasn't often but only when I had insomnia. Ex changed this to me kicking him out of the bedroom forever. I didn't understand his behaviour but that was before I knew about gaslighting and DARVO. It was through a counselor that I started to understand his narcisstic behaviour and need for control. Like Rejoiningperson said it was when I thought I was an equal or felt my needs were important. Ex H was also hyper sensitive and his ego was easily bruised, which again is a symptom of a narcisstic personality.

It's very fortunate that you are not joined by property or children as it will make moving on much easier.

[BillMasheen]

Something you said earlier resonated ...

You were,blaming yourself for attracting these losers. Please don’t.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

The shark cage analogy describes it beautifully

www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

[VeraDonovan]

Rejoiningperson - definitely all of this. I’m screaming inside and feeling like this is making me ill.

[BlueDahlia69]

OP sending you support and I hope for your sake he moves out soon. 🌸

[Rejoiningperson]

I feel like I have to make myself small in order to have a peaceful life. This really resonated. My Ex also told me that the relationship had ended, after his tension had built, then he’d called me names. That is important as he’s telling you, by saying he wants a divorce, that this isn’t a problem to be worked on, or an issue to resolve. He’s telling you ‘don’t do this or else’. Divorce is a weapon.

Does he say sorry and say he no longer wants a divorce? My Ex would hold it over me, never retract, would say ‘sorry for shouting’ but avoid it if I asked if he still wanted to end the relationship. Again, a tactic to keep me feeling confused. Later he would say ‘why are you asking me for this, I told you our relationship had ended” etc.

Again I could also never be negative. Ever. He started to call me controlling if I asked for anything. By saying that he effectively shut me down. That is saying to me - I have no valid opinions, I cannot express frustration. Apparently it’s very common.

Just to say, I’ve found it extraordinarily difficult to get out of this relationship (and indeed am still living in his house). It’s quite an intense, tricky time - you are in. Be careful here. Get someone to support you if you can every step of the way here, as it could get a little ugly. Avoid conflict. Have somewhere you can go if it gets too much.

[VeraDonovan]

And it’s definitely a cycle. As long as I don’t say anything he doesn’t like things are ok. I’m not allowed to be stressed or unhappy or tired or anything that he perceives as negative. If I am any of those things then it must be something to do with him. He cannot see that my moods do not revolve around him. Then tension builds until he explodes and calls me names and says he wants a divorce. He then ignores me for a few days until he feels better and then expects everything to go back to normal.

This was never about the counselling session. He makes me feel like I can never ask for anything that benefits me. It’s always about him and what he wants. I feel like I have to make myself small in order to have a peaceful life. And I can’t just be myself, because he doesn’t like it.

[VeraDonovan]

I’ve just seen this in active threads and thank you to everyone who is interested in what’s happening.

It’s been a crappy few weeks. I’ve now got one more counselling session to go and so I’m looking at finding someone privately so I can carry on trying to sort myself out.

He is still here at the moment but is apparently looking for a rented house. I’m not sure whether he will actually leave or not. But I suspect he won’t and he’s waiting for me to ask him not to leave, which I’m not going to do. I’ve switched off emotionally from the situation which in some ways feels like the right thing to do but on the other hand I feel like it’s a backwards step because I’m supposed to be trying to connect to my feelings.

[Rejoiningperson]

@timeisnotaline

You haven’t overreacted in the slightest, all of these realisations you are having seem spot on. Also, I have also had enough of being called names in my own home, even if this is "only" a couple of times a year.
It’s not only a couple of times a year, it’s every or nearly every single time you dare to consider yourself as someone who matters. If you dared this more often, the name calling would be daily at least. Sending you strength for him leaving!

Sadly I do also agree here if you ever still read this OP. I am also someone who ‘only’ got called names a few times a year.

What is important is the cycle. Do you recognise this? Where you can almost feel your DH getting more and more annoyed, like a pressure kettle building.
Where when you become too ‘secure’ and do things like ask for things, for me it was asking to go out for dinner together, or asking to have more say in the home - basically anything where I mattered more and was an equal in a relationship. DH would then have a go at me, which looking back was not ‘I don’t want to have dinner with you’. It was a way of letting me know that I ‘could not ask to have dinner’ as he was in control and I wasn’t. I was stepping out of the housekeeper role he’d defined for me.

Does this ring true? A cycle of growing in confidence with you, to be knocked back into place? In way that if he did that, it would be fine but it’s not fine for you?

If so, it doesn’t matter how infrequent, there is a controlling aspect where you are being trained to be unequal to him.

[Nonmaquillee]

Yes, he's sabotaging your therapy, and he's a passive aggressive twat for his "walking the streets" comment.

[Rejoiningperson]

Apologies I did read the first few pages but did not realise this thread is a month old!

To be honest I do sympathise with you OP now I’ve read more. I’m actually stuck in a house and can’t leave yet, and desperately want therapy. But I can’t ask my Ex to leave the home for an hour and you can bet he would take it badly if I did. Wish you luck OP.

[daretodenim]

Also in case anybody reads this still, doing trauma therapy in a car is simply impossible for most people. It's hugely intense. Hugely. You probably can't get more intense in therapy than this. There are times where I've been unable to walk properly due to it. Sitting in a car in a public place simply isn't safe enough. Think about the corner car parking spot. You're facing away from the car park, so your back is "exposed" meaning if someone approaches it'll be from behind - you won't see them coming. If you face the front then your back is protected, but your brain will subconsciously be scanning the car park and watching other people get out of their cars etc.

I live in a country where the government recognised after the first lockdown that remote psychological services were actually counterproductive for a great many people, so all therapists have been able to do f2f with clients with strict social distancing rules and air filters, extra time between appointments etc. This happened because the psychological services petitioned the government. That should have been done in the U.K. too.

[daretodenim]

I've just RTFT and I hope OPthat you've been able to carry on the therapy and get this arsehole out of your house.

I had to have zoom therapy with a OH who agreed to go out but would then pop back in several times because he'd forgotten something which would massively disturb the sessions because I couldn't always figure out if he was in or out. I spoke to home end he kept doing it. So I locked the door and kept the key in it so he couldn't get in (he drives end could sit in the car if necessary). I told him I'd do this and miraculously he stopped forgetting things! He could also have gone to work from the office (critical worker) but chose to stay home.

[thinkingaboutLangCleg]

My gut instinct in any situation is to leave if I feel unhappy or unsafe or uncomfortable in any way. I want to change this so that's why I am having the counselling.

I sympathise with you, OP. And I can understand that you want to be more in control of your reactions, or acting more clear-headedly. But it does seem that your instinct here is healthy and correct. He is not good for you. I’d like to think he would behave better if you stood up to him, but sadly that’s not likely to bea long term solution.

I hope your therapy is successful and you and DC make a happier life without him.

[ForwardRanger]

Just well done for organising yourself into counselling and keep at it.

It's so hard to have healthy relationships when you've grown up with abuse and neglect so completely understandable that you are noticing that your marriage is unhealthy. It's actually a great sign that you're angry with your husband because it means you're waking up to your own needs. Your h is pretty much beside the point here, what matters is you, your needs and your future. Keep talking to your counsellor and your friends and things will start to fall into place.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

@DCDHDDog

I think you are using him as an excuse to stop therapy because it is on you that you chose to cancel and not take it in the car. Why should he work a full day out of the house for an hour's call?
I also wonder why you want therapy before going to work. Evenings or weekends better, surely than going in with a head full of dredged up traumas?

How about you read all the OP's posts before coming up with this utter garbage?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

@VeraDonovan - I've just read your whole thread. I'm so sorry that you've met some truly horrendous men in your life, and that your confidence in your own reactions is so damaged.

I'm pleased to read that you're done with this one - he sounds like an emotionally abusive bully who is making your life miserable, so good riddance to him if you can get him out.

I hope that your counselling sessions were able to continue, and that the session with the solicitor went well - and that you have managed to get him to fuck off away from you, as he needs to do.

It sounds like you've been let down all round by people who are supposed to love and care about you. Stay strong though - find the love from within, care for yourself, and keep yourself safe from these predatory types who can sniff out damages in people from afar.