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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Pissed off - husband and my counselling sessions

304 replies

VeraDonovan · 29/03/2021 11:56

I have managed to get some counselling via the NHS for complex trauma and so far I have had three sessions. I am finding these sessions quite upsetting as they are dredging up past violence, including rape.

As we are in lockdown these sessions are by telephone. I work full time so I have been arranging the calls before I leave for work.

My husband worked at home for months last year during the first lockdown and only started going back into the office in September. He still works from home on Fridays and my counselling sessions are on Thursdays.

Obviously it is the bank holiday weekend coming up and he asked me on Saturday whether I had a session this week as he wanted to work from home on Thursday instead of Friday because he is not at work over the bank holiday. I said I did and he was a bit sulky because he wanted to work from home but he knows I want privacy for these calls.

He has text me this morning "checking" whether I have my counselling call on Thursday. I said I did but that I would sit in the car and take the call if he wanted to work from home. He then said he would "go out and walk the streets" during my call which made me feel as if I was putting him out so I said I would cancel my call for this week. He then said he would be at home next week as well during my call.

I feel really annoyed about this. He knows how important this is to me. Obviously his need to work from home is much more important than how I feel.

I don't know if I am being out of order here or whether he is just a selfish twat.

OP posts:
MrsNewms85 · 29/03/2021 22:31

@VeraDonovan it's a bit thoughtless but I've learned to just expect that men are sometimes and they need our feelings spelled out to them. Ridiculous, yes. Necessary at times, also yes. Hope you're ok. Counselling is rough. X

Original poster
VeraDonovan · 29/03/2021 22:36

The bunny was a house bunny. I loved him, he was my safe place. When he was killed I didn’t do anything. I’d like to say I have never been so frightened but that would be a lie. Hence the counselling. I have not thought about this stuff for years. I’m 47 now and this happened when I was 15-19 years old. My dad had just died and I went off the rails and met this lad and I think he took advantage.

OP posts:
HalzTangz · 29/03/2021 22:36

@VeraDonovan

Our house is very small and the walls are thin. If he is in the house then he can hear every word I say. I'm just fed up I suppose. I can't plan anything because he might decide he's working from home that day.
Why don you just take the call in the car then, which you suggested to him. That way he can WFH, and you can take your call in private
TedisnotH · 29/03/2021 22:43

Oh love, just rebook your counselling appt so you can have it, wherever it takes.
Do not let him deny you your session

Original poster
VeraDonovan · 29/03/2021 22:44

I have rebooked for next week so hopefully he will be at work. I don’t imagine he will found somewhere else to live by next Thursday.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/03/2021 22:45

@HalzTangz because, as the op has explained, she feels too vulnerable sat in her car.

Original poster
VeraDonovan · 29/03/2021 22:47

I just want to thank everyone for their kind words. I will get through this. I don’t have a choice. And then I need to be alone, possibly forever. I don’t want any other men in my life.

OP posts:
TedisnotH · 29/03/2021 22:48

@VeraDonovan, have you told him yo move out, then?

Original poster
VeraDonovan · 29/03/2021 22:51

No. He said he was leaving and was looking on Rightmove for houses. He has threatened this before but I’ve always begged him not to leave. I’m not doing that this time. He can go. If he changes his mind I can start divorce proceedings online.

OP posts:
me4real · 29/03/2021 22:53

So today, yes, I overreacted to him infringing on my time.

I don't think you overreacted at all. You need the counselling and your husband, who should be your greatest supporter and aide, is deliberately obstructing it. He should be your cheerleader and doing everything he can to help you in every way. And this is about your health and happiness. What a think for a supposed husband to obstruct for his wife. It's almost like he wants to keep you down....

However the way I phrase things is always wrong. And I always get the reaction from him that I wanted to avoid. I hate confrontation and I hate atmospheres. Now I’ve got both.

He makes you feel like you're doing things wrong, but you're not, or at least not in a way that deserves how he responds.

You could have a life free of this aggro and stressful atmospheres. You deserve it. xx

Original poster
VeraDonovan · 29/03/2021 22:53

And I’m seeing my lovely friend tomorrow in her garden for pizza and wine so something to look forward to. I haven’t seen her since November.

OP posts:
me4real · 29/03/2021 22:56

Yay! Even a friend wouldn't try and get in the way of your treatment for your health. You could let her know what's going on, so you have her support.

MissingCoffeeandWine · 29/03/2021 22:56

Op, you really need to tell this to your counsellor. Even in the NHS, they should reoffer sessions if they cannot be taken safely. From what you are describing, your DH has placed you in a position this week where you are not in a position to access/make use of the sessions offered. You haven’t cancelled by choice, but because you have to. Hopefully they will add an extra session to the end/your total weeks. (I’m NHS and this is what we would do, as well as putting in place a plan to make sure you were safe to chat every other week, before asking or asking you to say too much).

I’m so sorry that this is happening for you right now. Your anger and hurt is justified. There is some really good advice from other posters on this thread - it’s ok for your needs to matter!

It’s also ok for you not to want to do your sessions in a car or walking in public! Talking is hard. You should be able to ask for time for something important to you, to have space in your home.

Your gut was right. This is about far more than one hour! Take care of yourself, as you’ve said you are aware, abusive men don’t like when women respond strongly.

RandomMess · 29/03/2021 22:57

Don't give him the time or power to mess you around moving out - I don't think he will. Start the divorce process ASAP Thanks

Original poster
VeraDonovan · 29/03/2021 23:01

The problem is, and has been, that when I talk about the things that have happened to me it sounds ridiculous. If I wrote it all down it would go on for pages and pages. I’ve never revisited any of it. It’s like reading a book, finishing it and then reading something else. So I’ve never really opened up. My mother is of the stiff upper lip brigade and also likes blaming me for everything so I’m no contact with her. So I have no one who loves me. Apart from my friends and my son, who I have to look after. It’s not his job to take care of me. I’m alone in this.

I thought (stupidly) that H understood. He doesn’t. He only thinks of himself. That’s fine. I’ve never had anyone who takes care of me and I don’t have it now. He can leave. I’ve been through worse than this.

OP posts:
katy1213 · 29/03/2021 23:02

Walk the streets? For how long - an hour? You might find it therapeutic to tell him to fuck off.

Original poster
VeraDonovan · 29/03/2021 23:03

@katy1213

Walk the streets? For how long - an hour? You might find it therapeutic to tell him to fuck off.
Ha ha ha!!! Maybe I will, see how he likes it!
OP posts:
YNK · 29/03/2021 23:11

@VeraDonovan he has been gaslighting you and still is.
Do not accept his word that he is going - he is going to turn the screw further.
Please ring Womens Aid, they have a 24h helpline.
You are not safe - the most dangerous time for women is when they decide to leave an abusive relationship - this is 100% your most vulnerable moment!
Please get backup!!!!

Original poster
VeraDonovan · 29/03/2021 23:17

He’s currently snoring his head off so I’m not worried for tonight. Tomorrow I’m telling my friend what’s happening and I’m also calling 101 to get some advice. I also need to get an appointment with a solicitor. Not for the divorce, which I have started with HMCTS, but for up to date advice about staying in my house. It’s in my sole name and he’s not on the tenancy so I need to know what I can or cannot do legally to get him out.

OP posts:
me4real · 29/03/2021 23:29

@MissingCoffeeandWine is right BTW, @VeraDonovan . I've had a referral to eating disorders services and I've had to reschedule the first appointment several times as I haven't had the privacy. Also rescheduled some NHS therapy sessions in the past for various reasons.

They completely understand, especially during Corona etc.

You won't lose a session if you reschedule it.

Happymum12345 · 29/03/2021 23:33

I’ve sat in the car for my therapy before. I quite like being away from everything. I don’t think that you have to, I’m just saying i found it ok to park up in a quiet place and chat.

awesomekaren · 29/03/2021 23:37

@VeraDonovan Shelter might be a good place to start with housing advice.

I'm glad to see you're ignoring the posters who seen to think a 50 minute counselling session just takes up 50 minutes. I always book mine on a day when I have the house to myself - gives me half an hour to prepare before and a couple of hours after to recover.

When you get to that point, EMDR is totally possible over the phone. I found the results were amazing, but the second were a slog. Actually physically exhausting. Luckily it works very quickly.

MiaChia · 29/03/2021 23:38

I’m so pleased that you are taking action to rid yourself of this abusive man. If you’ve still got your Lundy Bancroft book take a look at it again because he does cover emotional abusers very well and the scales fell from my eyes when I read it all through the second time. The first time I was so confused that I couldn’t relate what I was reading to my own life but after I got counselling and re-read the book I knew exactly what was happening to me. My abuser found the book and threw it away which only confirmed for me how abusive he was. I bought another copy and no-one’s taking it off me ever again.

Please keep us updated and good luck x

me4real · 29/03/2021 23:40

Also, if you find the phone therapy doesn't work for you, you can ask for an alternative now or when it becomes available. If you don't gel with the therapist, you can ask to see a different one. They're pretty flexible really unless you ust don't turn up with no notice/contact several times or something.

longtompot · 29/03/2021 23:40

I was just thinking about your posts whilst watching tv and thought as you've already had a few sessions that maybe your husband knows at some point you will be talking to them about him and he wants to hear just what it is you tell them.
His reaction was so incredibly over the top, and as you've said this isn't a one off, I can't imagine it's going to get any better. He does not have your back at all. A dh would leave you in the house alone to speak privately. They wouldn't call you names when you pointed out they were being unreasonable.
I'm glad you are looking to divorce him and getting other help with regards to your house etc. I really hope you get away from him and his disgusting behaviour Flowers