Pissed off - husband and my counselling sessions

[VeraDonovan]

I have managed to get some counselling via the NHS for complex trauma and so far I have had three sessions. I am finding these sessions quite upsetting as they are dredging up past violence, including rape.

As we are in lockdown these sessions are by telephone. I work full time so I have been arranging the calls before I leave for work.

My husband worked at home for months last year during the first lockdown and only started going back into the office in September. He still works from home on Fridays and my counselling sessions are on Thursdays.

Obviously it is the bank holiday weekend coming up and he asked me on Saturday whether I had a session this week as he wanted to work from home on Thursday instead of Friday because he is not at work over the bank holiday. I said I did and he was a bit sulky because he wanted to work from home but he knows I want privacy for these calls.

He has text me this morning "checking" whether I have my counselling call on Thursday. I said I did but that I would sit in the car and take the call if he wanted to work from home. He then said he would "go out and walk the streets" during my call which made me feel as if I was putting him out so I said I would cancel my call for this week. He then said he would be at home next week as well during my call.

I feel really annoyed about this. He knows how important this is to me. Obviously his need to work from home is much more important than how I feel.

I don't know if I am being out of order here or whether he is just a selfish twat.

Give him a hair shirt to wear while "walking the streets" and send him on his way.

He is being a shit. Saying he’ll ‘walk the streets’ is an attempt to manipulate you into feeling guilty. Let him be dramatic and ‘walk the streets’ if that’s what he wants, your appointments are really important and shouldn’t be cancelled based on anyone else.

What a selfish test. Tell him exactly what tone said here. It's 50 mins and the forecast is great for Thursday.

Ask him straight out why he's sabotaging you. See what he says.

You shouldn't have cancelled. He can go out and walk around the streets all he wants. It sounds like you are both being dramatic for the sake of it. But you're right, he doesn't have to work from home, but you do have to plan these sessions from home. Fwiw, I had counselling sessions all of last year starting during the first lockdown. Dh took a half day every Friday to take the dc so I could have privacy. That's what you do when you are supporting someone through something, so yes, he's being an idiot, but he said he'd go take a walk, so I can't see why you couldn't let him? Keep your session this week and in the future and expect him to work around you for that one hour.

I must be missing something. You said you could take the call in the car and then he offered to go for a walk so you didn't have to sit in the car? Just take him up on his offer.

Well done for getting counseling.

He is quite selfish and manipulative but in quite an underhand way, so it's hard to put your finger on what he's doing. Put it this way, if I knew he needed space alone in the house for an hour a week I would make sure he got it. He wouldn't have to ask me to go for a walk because I would just do it. Or I would work at home on a different day. It's the expectation that I will just cancel or change what I have planned to suit him.

I have a son from a previous relationship and he has a daughter from a previous relationship. We don't have any children together.

Not ok at all. I’ve been having therapy for the best part of ten years. It’s been remote for a year and my dh gives up his office and then takes care of the baby while i use his space. After he gives me time to decompress that I would have normally got in the drive home before handing baby back to me. Those evenings abs even the next few days if it was a rough session, he is extra helpful and attentive. That is the norm. And what you deserve and should expect. This is not ok. Can you sit down and talk to him about how it makes you feel? I just don’t understand why he’s not pleased for you getting help and going out of his way to help?

Is he normally like this?

He then said he would "go out and walk the streets" during my call which made me feel as if I was putting him out so I said I would cancel my call for this week. He then said he would be at home next week as well during my call.

Manipulative, isn't he? Give an inch and he takes a mile. So don't give any inches.

He’s sabotaging your therapy.

Looks like it. Either he feel sspecifically threatened by it, or he just wants to be the centre of attention at all times.

I also don't see why he is putting it back to me to ask him to leave the house so I can have my counselling session.

See above.

Tell him that you expect him to be out of the house during your therapy sessions. How he arranges that is up to him.

I feel he is being a bit passive aggressive with the "I'll walk the streets" comment because it implies that I am putting him out.

Yes but you were also passive aggressive by cancelling. Never cut off your nose to spite your face!

It has taken me the best part of 30 years to work up the courage to do this for myself and I feel as if, once again, I have to change what I have planned to suit him.

Tell your therapist about this feeling.

And look after yourself. You can't always keep him happy. Your needs matter too, even when they don't matter to him.

And I know what would happen if I asked him to go for a walk. There would suddenly be an urgent call he needed to take or a Teams meeting at 8.30am or some other reason he couldn't leave the house.

Ultimately he just will not give me any space my own in the house. I don't know why I feel upset about this because everything is always about what he wants.

Do you want to stay in a relationship with a man who is selfish, manipulative and underhand ?

Please be careful about cancelling sessions and check the attendance policy. Don't get discharged from your therapy. You need to be quite strong and assert your need to these sessions and a private space for them. Don't give way again.

A person receiving counselling for trauma absolutely needs to feel safe and that includes having privacy.

I feel your DH's choice of words is really stroppy.

Please don't cancel your sessions again. I would honestly rather sit in a car in a car park than be at home stressing about being overheard or interrupted or 'putting someone out'.

I recently had some zoom counselling for chronic pain and that was bad enough, wondering if the neighbours could possibly hear. (Paper walls.) I've now got to negotiate the next stage (CBT) and I really don't want family or neighbours hearing that.

@VeraDonovan

And I know what would happen if I asked him to go for a walk. There would suddenly be an urgent call he needed to take or a Teams meeting at 8.30am or some other reason he couldn't leave the house.

Ultimately he just will not give me any space my own in the house. I don't know why I feel upset about this because everything is always about what he wants.

Fucking leave him.

Does he spark joy in your life? Bin him.

Then you need to say something like this: “Let me make this VERY CLEAR. I am NOT cancelling my appointment on Thursday. I need this. You will NOT be in the house - understand?”

I offered to sit in the car for my session and then I thought about it and remembered that last week I was quite upset during the session and I don't really want to be in view of anyone walking down the street when I'm in my car talking about DV or rape or anything else that might come up. I just wanted to be able to sit quietly before my session (without him talking at me), have my session in private and then go to work.

And I am getting really sick of his selfishness generally so yes I am considering whether I want to carry on in this marriage.

He sounds very selfish.

My DH is currently having therapy. We both WFH and I make it a priority to give him space for that hour a week and sometimes that has meant taking DS out of the house, going out for a walk/run myself or rearranging something.
It's what you do if you care for someone.

@Macaroni46

I don't see what the problem is? It's his home too and I don't see why he should go into the office because of your call. I can see why he'd want to WFH around the bank holidays. He's offered to go for a walk while you have your session? So take him up on that. Give and take, etc

Maybe you’ve never had counselling, I gave and it’s not something you can do if you’re anxious about being overheard. The OP gas already said she gets upset due to the nature of her needs, as her DP is fully expect him to make the sessions as stress free as possible. He’s already made her feel bad, he’s a twat of the highest order putting his desire to WFH before her need for stress feee counselling.

Is it worth staying in a marriage where your husband is making you utterly miserable?

Wow. Ever get the feeling that some us could afford to schedule a lot less therapy sessions if we had male partners who actually gave a shit about our feelings, and bothered to make us feel deeply heard and loved?

Somehow we’re just expected to get on with ‘fixing’ ourselves, and woe betide we do it too slowly or at times inconvenient to them?

I feel for you, OP. I agree that you’re allowed to want more support than this in a partner. It’s kinda built into the word itself.

I am miserable but it's hard making life changing decisions when you don't know whether they are healthy clear headed decisions. My counsellor says I am in fight or flight mode most of the time. My gut instinct in any situation is to leave if I feel unhappy or unsafe or uncomfortable in any way. I want to change this so that's why I am having the counselling.

If this is what he is like generally then you absolutely should consider leaving.

Life is short, don't waste it catering to selfish men.

For example at this precise moment I want to tell him I want a divorce. This may be a complete overreaction but I am sick of running my life to his timetable. I have no idea whether this is rational or not. I'm guessing not though.

My gut instinct in any situation is to leave if I feel unhappy or unsafe or uncomfortable in any way. I want to change this so that's why I am having the counselling.

You don't have to answer this, but why do you want to change this?

I think as women we are socialised not to listen to this instinct -- we are told we have to work on our marriages, we have to be nice, we shouldn't offend people.

But leaving is often what would be best for us and it's not necessarily bad to listen to that instinct.

Why are you with this selfish manipulative prick? He has just shown you how little he respects and values you. A proper partner would do everything they can to support you, not deliberately sabotage you.

I'd ask him straight, 'Why are you trying to sabotage my counselling?'

I had telephone therapy recently. Then when schools closed had to change times, which meant it was in the early evening. I did it in the car as couldn't get privacy from 2 kids. But you don't have to sit in the street, I would drive to a large car park, park facing in on the furthest corner I could. No one sees you that way, especially not first thing.

He's being a massive dickhead but don't cancel your appointment. He's being subtly super controlling and he wins if you cancel. You can't make him stop being a twat but you cans ecide whether or not to let him affect whether you get the therapy you need. You also don't need to lose out. Go somewhere else and do it in the car. I bet when he sees he doesn't put you off he might suddenly not feel the need to work at home on your therapy days. It's shit, he should just give you the space, but since he won't then show him his childish behaviour won't change a thing.