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Original poster

Pissed off - husband and my counselling sessions

304 replies

VeraDonovan · 29/03/2021 11:56

I have managed to get some counselling via the NHS for complex trauma and so far I have had three sessions. I am finding these sessions quite upsetting as they are dredging up past violence, including rape.

As we are in lockdown these sessions are by telephone. I work full time so I have been arranging the calls before I leave for work.

My husband worked at home for months last year during the first lockdown and only started going back into the office in September. He still works from home on Fridays and my counselling sessions are on Thursdays.

Obviously it is the bank holiday weekend coming up and he asked me on Saturday whether I had a session this week as he wanted to work from home on Thursday instead of Friday because he is not at work over the bank holiday. I said I did and he was a bit sulky because he wanted to work from home but he knows I want privacy for these calls.

He has text me this morning "checking" whether I have my counselling call on Thursday. I said I did but that I would sit in the car and take the call if he wanted to work from home. He then said he would "go out and walk the streets" during my call which made me feel as if I was putting him out so I said I would cancel my call for this week. He then said he would be at home next week as well during my call.

I feel really annoyed about this. He knows how important this is to me. Obviously his need to work from home is much more important than how I feel.

I don't know if I am being out of order here or whether he is just a selfish twat.

OP posts:
pickingdaisies · 30/03/2021 08:53

OP, it's plain why he is trying to sabotage your sessions because they are working and you can see him for what he is.
You have been walking on eggshells trying to word your requests so he doesn't kick off, but there's no point trying to find other ways of saying it. He just wants to keep you in your box, and kicking off is the way he achieves it. An equal partnership doesn't suit him.

Hailtomyteeth · 30/03/2021 08:55

@VeraDonovan
It's shocking and unnerving when you realise that you have no-one who loves you, who can give you support.

But when you get used to it, it's liberating. And you discover, or rediscover, the love you have for yourself. It's great. Good luck.

Original poster
VeraDonovan · 30/03/2021 09:38

I have decided that under no circumstances am I going to discuss what happened yesterday, even if he does start trying to speak to me again. He can ignore me all he wants but I can see now that he uses this as a tactic to stop me bringing things up with him.

I have also had enough of being called names in my own home, even if this is "only" a couple of times a year. This is what happens every single time. Unfortunately I am not perfect and sometimes I have feelings that I want to express to him. If he is going to kick off every time this happens then it's not worth being in the relationship.

He needs to move out and leave me to get on with my life.

OP posts:
Littlepaws18 · 30/03/2021 09:45

Why did you suggest cancelling your call?! Don't cancel your call, tell him to walk the streets, it's so important you do this.

I think there is something else at play here... since it's not easy are you looking for a reason not to do the counselling?? It took two years for me to work through my issues with a counsellor and it wasn't easy at times and I didn't want to go. But giving up wasn't an option. If you want to improve you need to stick at it. No excuses, no giving in. Be strict on yourself your mental health is so important.

As for him, clearly he doesn't get the importance but that's for a conversation for another day! Tell him you intend to take the call and tell him to bugger off for a few hours. Don't send him mixed messages.

MiaChia · 30/03/2021 10:21

Littlepaws, talk about being tone deaf! I’m sorry that you have had issues but you have zero understanding of what’s going on in the OP’s life and blaming her for not engaging with therapy is actually offensive. Where is your empathy? How dare you berate the OP for sending ‘mixed messages’? Shame on you.

HappyWipings · 30/03/2021 10:23

I'm really glad to read your most recent posts op.

It may not feel like it but right now you have a lot of power. You can see things for what they are and also , he lives in YOUR home and you have control of your own money. These things are huge , and what a lot of abused women lack.

Good luck going forward , and please do update us as you go along if you are comfortable with that.

Bumpsadaisie · 30/03/2021 10:47

@MiaChia

Littlepaws, talk about being tone deaf! I’m sorry that you have had issues but you have zero understanding of what’s going on in the OP’s life and blaming her for not engaging with therapy is actually offensive. Where is your empathy? How dare you berate the OP for sending ‘mixed messages’? Shame on you.
I think @Littlepaws18 is absolutely right and she knows it as she has been there. Far from being time deaf ... she's very passionate that the OP should protect herself and not have to have yet another abusing relationship after this one. Counselling is central to that and missing one of five sessions a massive deal.

It is possible to suggest that the OP is playing a role in keeping herself away from the help she needs while at the same time not "blaming" her.

We all do things in life which are not great for us - maybe bad relationships or eating too much or not exercising enough or whatever. It's not a question of blame for those things - but if we want to get better we do have to commit to looking into what it is we are doing to ourselves.

It's a choice we all have.

You can be both very compassionate to the OP for all the awful things she has suffered and at the same time say that there is such a pattern here that the OP needs to explore what her role is in not protecting herself properly. The OP knows this - that's why she's in counselling- and isn't offended by it and hats off to her for that.

Blanket validation doesn't help anyone.

CandyLeBonBon · 30/03/2021 11:02

@RavingAnnie that was a pretty arrogant response. Confused

billy1966 · 30/03/2021 11:48

OP,
So glad that you are done with this nasty man.

Please call Women's Aid for support.
Call 101 to let them know you want him out.
Change the locks.
He is abusive.
Bag his stuff up.
Change those locks.
Get this nasty prick out.

I think you sound like an amazingly strong woman.

You are so brave to have come through all that you have and yet still have the strength to want to unpick it all.

Truly brave.

With all you have dealt with.
Getting rid of the cancer of this man will not be difficult.

He is abusive.
You don't have to put up with him any longer.
The peace of him gone will aid you hugely.

Keep posting.
We all care.
Flowers

RavingAnnie · 30/03/2021 12:02

[quote CandyLeBonBon]@RavingAnnie that was a pretty arrogant response. Confused[/quote]
Wow! Ha ha ha. I am actually one of the least arrogant people you could meet. My post is in no way "arrogant" at all and really not sure how you could have read it that way. I'm just going to ask for all my posts to be deleted as they are being misinterpreted and as I said in my last post I don't want the OPs thread to be derailed simply because a few posters are misunderstanding my posts.

MiaChia · 30/03/2021 12:10

@Bumpsadasie

"Blanket validation"! Can you hear yourself? Blame, blame, blame. On and on you go. I am not validating bad behaviour on the OP's part. I too have been and still am in an abusive relationship so, sadly, I don't think either you or littlepaws have a monopoly on understanding the dynamics of abusive relationships whatever you both (if there are two of you?) think. The OP has come here for help and encouragement, not to be goaded and told she's doing the wrong thing and superior creatures would do far better. I doubt anything will stop you trying to needle her but I really hope she is ignoring your 'helpful' lecturing.

Like I said, you haven't a shred of empathy, either of you so quit your lecturing. It's not helping anyone to feel better except you two which says a lot ...

me4real · 30/03/2021 12:26

I am not validating bad behaviour on the OP's part.

@MiaChia I get exactly what you mean, but I don't think it can even be called that. OP has done nothing bad. She ended up with an abuser and can take steps to try and avoid that happening again. It's not a bad thing she did, though- the blame is all on her abuser.

MiaChia · 30/03/2021 12:29

Exactly @me4real She has done nothing wrong at all. She is the victim, not the perpetrator and I feel upset on her behalf that certain posters seem to delight in calling out her behaviour. There is no bad behaviour at all on the OP's part. There's plenty on her partner's though

Feedingthebirds1 · 30/03/2021 12:30

It is possible to suggest that the OP is playing a role in keeping herself away from the help she needs while at the same time not "blaming" her.

But what you're picking up on is that although the DH offered to go for a walk, OP cancelled the session anyway. What that misses is that he didn't mean it. OP doesn't trust him (with good reason by the sound of it) to actually do it. She knows/very much fears that when it gets to Thursday he'll refuse to go out. Or go out for long enough for her to start her session and then walk back in. She can't live with that fear, it would be worse for her MH to do so than cancelling the session. So no, she's not afraid of the counselling, she's not trying to find reasons to avoid it because it's traumatic. She cancelled because her H is a nasty, selfish man who doesn't care abut her and he is the one sabotaging the counselling, not her.

Bumpsadaisie · 30/03/2021 12:34

[quote MiaChia]@Bumpsadasie

"Blanket validation"! Can you hear yourself? Blame, blame, blame. On and on you go. I am not validating bad behaviour on the OP's part. I too have been and still am in an abusive relationship so, sadly, I don't think either you or littlepaws have a monopoly on understanding the dynamics of abusive relationships whatever you both (if there are two of you?) think. The OP has come here for help and encouragement, not to be goaded and told she's doing the wrong thing and superior creatures would do far better. I doubt anything will stop you trying to needle her but I really hope she is ignoring your 'helpful' lecturing.

Like I said, you haven't a shred of empathy, either of you so quit your lecturing. It's not helping anyone to feel better except you two which says a lot ...[/quote]
I have not at any point said that the OP has been "badly behaved" or something to be "blamed" for.

I don't think either of these things.

I'm not sure how much more clear I can be, really.

HappyWipings · 30/03/2021 12:49

Can we please stay on topic. We don't want the op to abandon her own thread because of this bickering.

Hadjab · 30/03/2021 12:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dreamingbohemian · 30/03/2021 13:04

READ THE FULL THREAD people ffs

OP I hope things are going ok today. You deserve peace and happiness and this man will give you neither. You just need to get through the rough bits of getting rid and your life will improve immensely.

porridgecake · 30/03/2021 13:07

Thank goodness Feedingthebirds has spelled it out clearly. Hopefully the people who cannot understand the dynamics will read and inwardly digest.
I hope you are ok, OP.

Original poster
VeraDonovan · 30/03/2021 13:09

I’m not upset by some of the things said on this thread. I know that the damaged part of me must, on some level, be attractive to abusive men. I’m seeking help precisely so that I can start making decisions based on facts and not what someone is telling me. For example I’m sure that my H will minimise and deny the things he said yesterday. He will possibly apologise but it will be a “sorry but you made me......” type of meaningless apology..

The part of me that just wants a stable life will possibly jump at the offer of peace and reconciliation but the sensible part of me will know if I accept this behaviour again I’m just setting myself up for more hurt later on.

So yes it’s his fault he says the things he does. But I have to stop him. By ending things.

OP posts:
Original poster
VeraDonovan · 30/03/2021 13:11

And yes if he went out during the counselling he would find some reason to come back early. He doesn’t like.it when I get time in the house on my own.

OP posts:
GlutenFreeBaker · 30/03/2021 15:08

You should not cancel your any of your sessions for him even if he does piss you off. Every single one is important to you and missing sessions can make a process that is really hard and distrubing even harder.
I have been having similar session since September because of childhood physical and emotional abuse and although they are tough( I am a man in his fifties) they really help. During these sesions my wife who has been working from home goes out for a walk or to the shop to give me space to talk freely with the therapist.
If will be benifical to your husband and your relationship if you can deal with you trauma properly and he should understand that and give you the space you need without any fuss.
I hope the therapy goes well yes it is emotional and very tough but if you are as lucky as me and have a very good therapist you will start to feel better.

withmycoffee · 30/03/2021 15:11

@MrsWooster

He’s sabotaging your therapy. It’s 50 minutes-he can go for a perfectly pleasant walk or go to the supermarket or put some petrol in the car... He may not be being malicious-perhaps he’s scared either for you, or of the potential for therapy to change you and the impact that this may have on your relationship. Whatever it’s about, he needs to deal with that, not force you to pay the price for his fear.
Big theory there. He wants to work from home Thursday as he doesn't work good Friday. Nothing about that suggests some massive fear about the repercussions of therapy in their relationship
ohfourfoxache · 30/03/2021 15:12

Could you make sure that you explain all this to the counsellor? They might be able to swap appointments around for you in he continues to be a cuntweasel (even if you only have 1/2 sessions left)

Fwiw I think you’re doing the right thing getting rid of this turd

GlutenFreeBaker · 30/03/2021 15:27

Yes @withmycoffee that is how it might seem but he seems to be making a big thing about having to go out. My parents were like that when I had therapy when I was twenty. If bothered them what I might say and how it effected them and I can see that attitude here. The failure of that has lead my into therapy again and distroys teh lives of thoses around you. The OP is right to want a chance to talk freely as these sessions are like golddust and she is right to expect support from her partner.