Pissed off - husband and my counselling sessions

[VeraDonovan]

I have managed to get some counselling via the NHS for complex trauma and so far I have had three sessions. I am finding these sessions quite upsetting as they are dredging up past violence, including rape.

As we are in lockdown these sessions are by telephone. I work full time so I have been arranging the calls before I leave for work.

My husband worked at home for months last year during the first lockdown and only started going back into the office in September. He still works from home on Fridays and my counselling sessions are on Thursdays.

Obviously it is the bank holiday weekend coming up and he asked me on Saturday whether I had a session this week as he wanted to work from home on Thursday instead of Friday because he is not at work over the bank holiday. I said I did and he was a bit sulky because he wanted to work from home but he knows I want privacy for these calls.

He has text me this morning "checking" whether I have my counselling call on Thursday. I said I did but that I would sit in the car and take the call if he wanted to work from home. He then said he would "go out and walk the streets" during my call which made me feel as if I was putting him out so I said I would cancel my call for this week. He then said he would be at home next week as well during my call.

I feel really annoyed about this. He knows how important this is to me. Obviously his need to work from home is much more important than how I feel.

I don't know if I am being out of order here or whether he is just a selfish twat.

@Dontbeme

For this appointment can you use a friends home OP? You shouldn't have to but it will save you sitting in some car park or by the side of the road.

My OH is having counseling sessions at the moment too, we are both working from home and he is having online sessions. I go for a walk for the hour, usually to someplace super exciting like Tesco, I get him a scone or piece of cake while there and then wander home. It is important that he has the house to himself during the sessions and I want him to feel comfortable and be able to speak freely, otherwise what is the point of going to counseling if he feels he has to censor himself in case I overhear? I think for you this is a breaking point that you can see how uncaring your DH is, he prefers his own comfort rather than supporting you.

This is true. He wants to work from home on Thursday and he will keep going on and on until he gets his own way. He will not care in the slightest that he has put me out.

It's good you feel anger. I'm glad you're not passively taking it as gospel his way is the only way.

On a side note I also wanted to add normally if it's nhs and you cancel you completely lose that session. So you will only have five. So please don't cancel that appointment. Honestly I would tell your therapist your dh is being a dick about giving you privacy I'm sure she'll understand.

I would also say being in a car is not ideal obviously. But if on Thursday he kicks off I would have a think about quiet spots you can drive to and feel safer than being at home with him.

It sounds like he's sabotaging your sessions because he's worried you will realise how he's been treating you. You are strong. Much stronger than he wants you to be.

I'm so sorry for your previous trauma. I really hope the counselling goes well

isitsafetocomeoutyet - Thank you. I don't think I realised how angry I feel. I have spent most of my life pushing down any negative feelings because if I expressed any dissent it ended up in extreme violence, with me on the receiving end. So I hold it all in, which has made me very, very unhappy.

My husband also doesn't like it when I disagree with him but I am getting to the point where I no longer care. If he doesn't like me then he is free to leave. I am not making myself ill to keep him happy.

@VeraDonovan

I offered to sit in the car for my session and then I thought about it and remembered that last week I was quite upset during the session and I don't really want to be in view of anyone walking down the street when I'm in my car talking about DV or rape or anything else that might come up. I just wanted to be able to sit quietly before my session (without him talking at me), have my session in private and then go to work.

And I am getting really sick of his selfishness generally so yes I am considering whether I want to carry on in this marriage.

I think it's very important you continue your counselling and bring it up that you may be in a domestic abuse situation. Preventing or interfering with someones medical treatment is a known form of abuse. Do you think this is what your DP is doing?

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2305753/

I've read your updates now and it does look like you are in a domestic abuse situation OP.
Please think about protecting yourself.

I am beginning to think this too. He doesn't hit me. He doesn't hurt me physically. But it's like I don't exist as a separate person with my own feelings. He does what he wants and I have to go along with it, otherwise he sulks. He tells me that he does everything for me and to make me happy but I don't think that's true.

And this counselling, it's almost like he doesn't want me to feel better or stronger.

Do you think you can make a meaningful recovery with this man in your life?

Ultimately that's why I left. It didn't matter if sometimes he was nice etc etc. I was never going to find my worth, stability and self esteem being with him. I was always being questioned.

I think there is a bit more to it than that as well. Your husband has felt your goalposts shift as a result of your therapy and he IS deliberately sabotaging your treatment. He knows bloody well when your appointment is and how difficult it is to change. He doesn’t want you to feel comfortable discussing your relationship - or anything else - with your counsellor, so he is making it virtually impossible. Having the appointment in the car is not appropriate. You simply can’t vent or get upset with the possibility of a Neighbour knocking on your side window to see if you’re okay. He CAN have a meeting in the car, though. Or a cafe, or in the fucking office.

I’m beginning to think that I will never feel better while I’m with him

@VeraDonovan

I am beginning to think this too. He doesn't hit me. He doesn't hurt me physically. But it's like I don't exist as a separate person with my own feelings. He does what he wants and I have to go along with it, otherwise he sulks. He tells me that he does everything for me and to make me happy but I don't think that's true.

And this counselling, it's almost like he doesn't want me to feel better or stronger.

This is an example of coercive control OP.

Your counselling service needs to be made aware of it so they can advise you. They have a duty of care to support you with this.

assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/597435/DometicAbuseGuidance.pdf

@VeraDonovan- I wrote a post above while you were writing about why I suspect he is deliberately sabotaging your therapy.

Well I told him I wasn’t happy. Apparently I’m a psychotic fat cunt.

Oh my goodness. That escalated quickly.

Have you a safe place to go? I would be very worried now he has sensed that you are beginning to gain some insight into your situation he is dangerous.

No I don’t have anywhere to go. He’s upstairs. He does this occasionally. He will ask me what’s wrong. I tell him and then he flies off the handle verbally. Now he will completely ignore me for a few days. He’s said I’m mental and he will work from home whenever he wants and I can fuck off.

What an arsehole. I think your counsellor needs to know about this conversation!

There are a couple of very good threads on here by women in very similar situations who have managed to get safely out. One is called something like "divorcing sulking h" I think the OP is on thread 2 or 3 by now, but if you scroll through there will be links in the most recent thread.

The last time this happened was last September. I can’t even remember what started it. He blew up, called me a lot of names and then didn’t speak to me for days. It doesn’t happen often but I’ve noticed that it’s every time I don’t agree with him. I think that’s probably why I was so wound up this morning. I knew if I said I wasn’t happy it would be met with a load of swearing and name calling.

I can see that you were pissed off - I would have been too

But fact remains that the person who cancelled the session was YOU.

Not him.

You could have insisted that he did indeed go for a walk and stuck to the knowledge that your request is reasonable - if he wants to sulk it's his problem.

What kind of therapy is it?

I have counselling for trauma and my dh works from home all the time and next week the children will be off. Could you not go for a walk and talk at the same time or just ask him to go out for the hour? It's what I've done

It’s just counselling at the moment. She thinks I need CBT and EMDR but EMDR is not possible over the telephone.

Yes maybe I’m in the wrong. I don’t know. I shouldn’t have cancelled but I couldn’t see an alternative at the time.

Don't be soft, tell him you need this and you don't want him at home during the call, if he wants to be a drama queen and "walk the streets" let him get on with it. Its less than an hour for Gods sake.
I have an hour's counselling at work for complex PTSD and everyone knows to not bother me in my private room when I'm having a meeting.

I am having EMDR. (Don’t live in UK). It’s been life-changing. Highly recommend you get it as soon as possible.

@VeraDonovan

It’s just counselling at the moment. She thinks I need CBT and EMDR but EMDR is not possible over the telephone.

Yes maybe I’m in the wrong. I don’t know. I shouldn’t have cancelled but I couldn’t see an alternative at the time.

I don't think it's so much about "being on the wrong" as trying to make sense of what's happened and how it is you've come to lose something important and supportive to you.

Good luck op.

@VeraDonovan

Well I told him I wasn’t happy. Apparently I’m a psychotic fat cunt.

Are you indeed? Ha! I quoted you so that we can all bear it in mind. Get it printed on a t-shirt in case your anger ever starts to subside. You're doing really well with the anger. It's healing, it helps you get out.

I've been reading your thread. As someone who has had aeons of therapy, I can promise you that
a) You do need absolute privacy so you can be open and honest with your therapist
b) It does make family members nervous (I've been on both sides, the patient and the patient's mother)
c)He's a controlling bastard and has been all along
d)He senses he's losing control and he's trying to make the therapy too much effort for you. Don't give in.

Good luck. Keep up the sessions.

Client, I think, not patient. Sorry.