Pissed off - husband and my counselling sessions

[VeraDonovan]

I have managed to get some counselling via the NHS for complex trauma and so far I have had three sessions. I am finding these sessions quite upsetting as they are dredging up past violence, including rape.

As we are in lockdown these sessions are by telephone. I work full time so I have been arranging the calls before I leave for work.

My husband worked at home for months last year during the first lockdown and only started going back into the office in September. He still works from home on Fridays and my counselling sessions are on Thursdays.

Obviously it is the bank holiday weekend coming up and he asked me on Saturday whether I had a session this week as he wanted to work from home on Thursday instead of Friday because he is not at work over the bank holiday. I said I did and he was a bit sulky because he wanted to work from home but he knows I want privacy for these calls.

He has text me this morning "checking" whether I have my counselling call on Thursday. I said I did but that I would sit in the car and take the call if he wanted to work from home. He then said he would "go out and walk the streets" during my call which made me feel as if I was putting him out so I said I would cancel my call for this week. He then said he would be at home next week as well during my call.

I feel really annoyed about this. He knows how important this is to me. Obviously his need to work from home is much more important than how I feel.

I don't know if I am being out of order here or whether he is just a selfish twat.

Thank you for all of your opinions on this. If I asked my friends they would just agree with me which is not really very helpful when you are trying to decide whether you are being a bit selfish.

I really don't want to have the counselling session in my car. I don't know why I even suggested this to him in the first place.

You are not being selfish for wanting an hour's privacy for your counselling.

And don't knock your friends - they are right and have your back by the sounds of things

I don't know why I feel upset about this because everything is always about what he wants.

Well that's a very good reason to feel upset. You need private time with your therapist. Yet his wants matter more to him than your needs. He is being selfish and that's not how a good partner behaves.

I have no idea whether this is rational or not. I'm guessing not though.

It sounds rational, based on what you have said about the way he treats you.

She says just because he isn't violent does not mean he is not abusive in other ways.

That is a very good point. Manipulative people can be abusive, they don't need to use physical violence to get everything their own way. Though a word of warning - sometimes when the manipulation stops working they do get physical instead.

I don't know why I even suggested this to him in the first place.

Because you are so used to putting him first and yourself last. He has never put you first or encouraged you to put yourself first. So it has become a habit. Perhaps it's a habit that started even before you met him, sometimes families set children up to react this way. Your therapist will help you with putting yourself in your proper place - first when you should be first!

I agree OP, don't try do this in the car. I'm having sessions just now and there's no way I'd do it in the car.
You are not wrong to expect your H to facilitate this time
Your feelings are valid, he doesn't get to decide you are happy all the time
You are doing great doing this work, you'll be amazed how much strength you have when you a look at the trauma you've been through.

He can go sit in the car surely. No need to "walk the streets". Can you rebook your session for Wednesday instead? It's important that you have it. He's clearly not willing to help so do whatever you need to do to make sure it happens.

I really hope you get well and move on to better things (and people).

The counselling is via the NHS so I have to take the appointments that I am offered (within reason obviously). She has a full diary so I usually have the same appointment which is her first appointment on a Thursday. It is difficult for me to leave work once I am there so it is much easier for me to have the appointment before I leave for work.

I always put him first, even when I don't want to. I find it very hard to say what I want because it usually ends up with him sulking.

I told my counsellor last week that I was annoyed with my husband. It is so trivial but I had closed one of the shutters in the kitchen as the sun was blinding me when I was washing up. He came in from work and the first thing he did was open it again. He also switched off the lights when he went to bed so I was left sitting in the dark. He says these things are accidental and he doesn't mean anything by it but it makes me feel like I don't even exist.

My counsellor said it is these small things that starts to feel like death by a thousand cuts.

My first husband stabbed me in my hand, tried to set me on fire, threatened to shoot me, beat me up on a regular basis and was also very very controlling. So unless it's blatantly obvious I often miss small things that might be a bit controlling.

This thing with the appointment. It is trivial. Why don't I just change the appointment or go somewhere else to have it? But I am sick of putting my needs behind everyone else. I know this is very trivial to most people but to me it's just something else I have to change or give up because it doesn't suit the person who is supposed to care about me.

Why don't I just change the appointment or go somewhere else to have it? But I am sick of putting my needs behind everyone else. I know this is very trivial to most people but to me it's just something else I have to change or give up because it doesn't suit the person who is supposed to care about me.

Or, why doesn't he just change the day he works at home? If it is so trivial then why is it always you?

I have just had 10 months of therapy by zoom so I completedly get why you need privacy. But I am sorry, as long as my hubby agreed to be out of the house during my call, I could not imagine me wanting him to or making him lose a full work from home day for a one hour call. I adore my hubby and want him to have the best possible life and would not see him offering to be out of the house for my call as a sign he was not supportive of my therapy.
I am sorry but it sounds to me like you clearly don't feel he is supportive of you and you and him have some issues to sort out.
I hope your therapy is really successful.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

Why don't I just change the appointment or go somewhere else to have it? But I am sick of putting my needs behind everyone else. I know this is very trivial to most people but to me it's just something else I have to change or give up because it doesn't suit the person who is supposed to care about me.

Or, why doesn't he just change the day he works at home? If it is so trivial then why is it always you?

Well precisely. But this is how it is. He decides he wants to do X and that is what happens. I can't force him to go into work. So that leaves me with (a) changing the appointment (which is not easy and even if I do change it he might decide he is working from home that day as well), (b) sitting in my car for the appointment (which I don't want to do) or (c) cancelling it altogether. Because he might say he will go for a walk during the call but he will make a song and a dance out of it and might not even go if it's raining. He doesn't drive so he doesn't own a car.

OP it’s the drip drip drip of a tap. It’s not trivial to not want to change it and your needs are important too. I’m sorry he’s making your therapy appointment difficult for you. I’ve had therapy and understand that you need to be in the right frame of mind otherwise it will be pointless.

PP needs to read the thread - the husband isn’t losing any work and can quite easily work in the office on that day. Clearly he’s not interested in OPs best life.

For OP

@ittakes2

What you're saying makes no sense and your tone is really nauseating

The issue is he agreed to be out of the house but now is changing his mind and backtracking and expecting the OP to move things around to suit him.

They already had the conversation about when OP would need to use the space.

Its not an hour appointment to get her nails done, it's therapy.

OP needs a private space so she can have her therapy so she can have the best possible life.

In my opinion, that trumps her husband wanting to have a lazy day at home.

He obviously isn't supportive and there's nothing wrong with OP noticing this so I don't know why you were apologising on her behalf.

It is good that you are finding your anger against him. This is not "how it is". It is only how he is. And you don't have to be with him.

But I am sick of putting my needs behind everyone else. I know this is very trivial to most people but to me it's just something else I have to change or give up because it doesn't suit the person who is supposed to care about me.

OP take comfort from what you've said there. it suggests that even if there is still a long way to go, the counselling IS helping you to reach a more normal way of life, with appropriate boundaries and acknowledging that your needs are important too.

He may not be as bad as your first husband, but that doesn't mean he's a star. He's controlling and selfish, and yes low level abusive. It's Ok to feel that it's not acceptable, in fact it's the right way to feel. Good luck with the counselling, and I hope it leads you to finding the real you.

I think it's important that it goes ahead.

If it's pissing down then yes it looks like you will need to sit in your car

I think this is your hill to die on with him. It's a medical appointment.

Text back and say well the weather looks decent on Thursday so you could go for a walk or perhaps just go into work so you don't get wet if it rains. Basically reinforce that it's not optional because I think he is trying to undermine it deliberately.

@2bazookas

Give him a hair shirt to wear while "walking the streets" and send him on his way.

If you were think of a life without him, OP, how do you think it would look?

I think we will probably be having an argument tonight about this. I thought I would have calmed down by now but I am really, really angry. He could have worked from home any day this week but he chooses Thursday because it is convenient for him. I told him on Saturday when my appointment was and then he sends me a text this morning to "double check" when it is. He fucking knows when it is. But obviously the Lord of the Manor wants his own way. My well being is secondary to his needs.

Well bollocks to him. It is clear that if I want to have any time alone in my home (because it is also my home as well as his) then I will have to vote with my feet and find somewhere else to live. This is the hill that I will die on because I need this counselling to feel normal. I am not spending the next 30 years feeling as I do now because he is trying to sabotage what help I am able to access.

He's not going to put you first, OP. He's making that clear. It's down to you alone to change your situation. Cancelling your appointment completely is detrimental to your wellbeing.

I know you see rearranging things because of him as giving in to him, but it's not. It's you ensuring your long-term future is a better one. Let him feel smug about these "wins", you'll get the ultimate revenge one day when you're free of his affect.

I wouldn't be surprised if he's feeling insecure about your therapy and trying to sabotage it because he knows what a shithead he is and is scared your therapist will open your eyes to it.

X-post. Sounds like he's too late. Your eyes are already open.

Just wanted to chip in and say I completely understand why you want to be alone in the house for your call. We have a large house, but DH still takes DD out every week when I have my counselling call. I don't think I could relax enough to talk if I knew they were around somewhere.

Yep. As pps have said , it looks like he doesn't want your therapist to help you to wake up to what he's doing.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

This screams abusive relationship to me.
Get this moved to the relationships board and you will get very good support and advice.
Read some of the other threads on there and you will recognise the pattern.

For this appointment can you use a friends home OP? You shouldn't have to but it will save you sitting in some car park or by the side of the road.

My OH is having counseling sessions at the moment too, we are both working from home and he is having online sessions. I go for a walk for the hour, usually to someplace super exciting like Tesco, I get him a scone or piece of cake while there and then wander home. It is important that he has the house to himself during the sessions and I want him to feel comfortable and be able to speak freely, otherwise what is the point of going to counseling if he feels he has to censor himself in case I overhear? I think for you this is a breaking point that you can see how uncaring your DH is, he prefers his own comfort rather than supporting you.

Also because I am just starting to speak to my counsellor about my marriage I really need to know he is at work and not hanging around the house or coming back from his walk early, which is quite likely. I can't talk openly about how I feel if I know he is there or might come in halfway through. It would be much easier if I could have the counselling in their office or wherever but that isn't possible at the moment.