Pissed off - husband and my counselling sessions

[VeraDonovan]

I have managed to get some counselling via the NHS for complex trauma and so far I have had three sessions. I am finding these sessions quite upsetting as they are dredging up past violence, including rape.

As we are in lockdown these sessions are by telephone. I work full time so I have been arranging the calls before I leave for work.

My husband worked at home for months last year during the first lockdown and only started going back into the office in September. He still works from home on Fridays and my counselling sessions are on Thursdays.

Obviously it is the bank holiday weekend coming up and he asked me on Saturday whether I had a session this week as he wanted to work from home on Thursday instead of Friday because he is not at work over the bank holiday. I said I did and he was a bit sulky because he wanted to work from home but he knows I want privacy for these calls.

He has text me this morning "checking" whether I have my counselling call on Thursday. I said I did but that I would sit in the car and take the call if he wanted to work from home. He then said he would "go out and walk the streets" during my call which made me feel as if I was putting him out so I said I would cancel my call for this week. He then said he would be at home next week as well during my call.

I feel really annoyed about this. He knows how important this is to me. Obviously his need to work from home is much more important than how I feel.

I don't know if I am being out of order here or whether he is just a selfish twat.

[RightOnTheEdge]

I think it's the way he said "I'll walk the streets" it's the image it sums up. It sounds sulky and trying to make OP feel like she's putting him out.
If he was trying to be kind he would say something like "I'll go for a walk for a bit and give you some space"

I'm sorry for the trauma you've suffered OP and I hope the sessions help you. Definitely don't start cancelling because he's making you feel awkward.
You sound like you've escaped from an abusive relationship and are now married to a selfish, unsupportive man.

He should be giving you his full support through this and treasuring you if he was any decent sort of person.

[frazzledasarock]

I leave situations that make me unhappy. Life's too short putting up with other peoples shit. How long are you meant to stay and deal with it?

Have you talked about your relationship with your husband to your counsellor?

[VeraDonovan]

I suppose I want to change it because I am on edge all of the time and I would like to not make decisions on the spur of the moment, without thinking through the consequences.

[VeraDonovan]

Yes I have started talking about him. She says just because he isn't violent does not mean he is not abusive in other ways.

[frazzledasarock]

@VeraDonovan

Yes I have started talking about him. She says just because he isn't violent does not mean he is not abusive in other ways.

I completely agree,

You could consult a solicitor, plan your future without him practically, and then divorce him.

That would be a calm informed decision.

[HollowTalk]

I think it's really important for you to have a safe haven in your home and you don't have that with him. He doesn't see why you should feel safe. You should listen to your counsellor - she'll be picking up on these things.

[MarieDelaere]

@VeraDonovan

I suppose I want to change it because I am on edge all of the time and I would like to not make decisions on the spur of the moment, without thinking through the consequences.

But you have thought about it. Sounds like you think about it a lot.

It'll need more planning, for sure - financial, logistical - but that's the start of 'freedom' for you. It's a process, not a 'spur of the moment decision'.

I'm sorry you are going through this btw

[BlackCatShadow]

Have you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft?

I suspect your mental health would improve considerably if you did leave him.

[dreamingbohemian]

I don't think it's irrational to want a divorce. You're not happy with him and you want to leave, that's actually quite rational.

[Justilou1]

If it makes you feel better @VeraDonovan I have been receiving counselling for C-PTSD from childhood trauma and historical rape also. I am finding similar issues with my marriage. Where I used to find a safe haven, I have realised I was choosing not to think for myself and I had chosen to sublimate my feelings I’m deference to someone who either didn’t notice or took advantage.

[Folklore9074]

Take him up on his offer to go for a walk. Its an hour and he has offered. What more is there to say?

[LovelyLovelyWarmCoffee]

He’s sabotaging your therapy. It’s 50 minutes-he can go for a perfectly pleasant walk Isn't that exactly what he said he would do?

OP, I feel like this is just a miscommunication. I wouldn't want to be prevented to WFH because of a private 50min call my husband has, but we would either do what you suggested (you take the call from your car) or what he suggested (he goes out during the call).

[BoomTastic1]

I could feel there is a dripfeed of pent up resentment towards your husband. On the face of it, Covid is hard on every one. You don't have control over the timing of covid so it is making do to an extent.

I know it feels awful , not making it about another situation, but its similar for lots of people trying to have counselling atm, sadly it was difficult for someone I know going through a hard situation and trying to have counselling for herself with a toddler and partner with terminal illness. In the end a friend came and took them out for a walk, I think the offer of going for a walk is a good one, if it comes with no moaning from them afterwards.

[ItsMarch]

It’s ok to say no.
“No you can’t work from home on Thursdays because I have my counselling session”.
I know it’s hard to feel like you are the bad guy (you’re not) and it’s also hard to stand up to bullies (he keeps asking to wfh on a Thursday despite knowing this doesn’t suit you).
It sounds like he just wears you down or makes it so uncomfortable for you, you give in.
I was in a very similar relationship. I continually compromised despite the fact it felt like I was the only one who ever did.
It took me a long time to understand it was ok to put my needs first. Unfortunately in my situation that did mean the end of the relationship because as soon as I stopped being a doormat, he found someone else that would(!) felt like a kick in the guts at the time but I’m so much happier now.

[knittingaddict]

@VeraDonovan

Yes I have started talking about him. She says just because he isn't violent does not mean he is not abusive in other ways.

Looks like you have a decent counsellor there, so please don't let him manipulate you into giving up.


My daughter saw a counsellor about an issue and we advised her to discuss her husband at the meeting because it was clear to us that he was the root of the problems. She didn't say anything and I think that was a missed opportunity.

When they finally went to couples counselling he managed to sabotaged that.

She did leave 6 months later, so it ended well.

I don't know what else he has done, but he doesn't come across well.

[Shnuffles]

I agree with PP who've said that he isn't unreasonable to want to be able to wfh on some Thursdays. I'd feel sad and disappointed if I was essentially banned from my own home on any given day of the week, even if the reason I wasn't welcome was my partner having an hour of counselling over the phone.

If you taking your call in the car would work, I'd do that. Either that or make it clear that he can wfh, but you need him to leave the house for that hour (if you trust that he'll go; if not, that's a sign of a pretty big problem). Don't be a martyr. Don't be guilted out of your counselling, if he really is guilting you. Don't cancel something that is helping you.

Of course, so much of what people would advise depends on the rest of your relationship, his tone of voice, how he usually behaves, etc. No-one reading this thread can know for certain whether or not he's horrible.

[RandomMess]

Please do not cancel.

It does sound like he has trying to sabotage it and wanting to establish that his desire to WFH is more important than you!!

He knows if he WFH on a Thursday he needs to go sit in the car or go out for a walk his choice.

There are 5 days in a week so he CAN work around you and is being utterly selfish not to and to make you feel guilty for your MEDICAL needs.

[I0NA]

Id feel sad and disappointed if I was essentially banned from my own home on any given day of the week, even if the reason I wasn't welcome was my partner having an hour of counselling over the phone

If you would feel sad and disappointed at being asked to give your partner privacy for ONE HOUR a month to get help to deal with some very traumatic issues then it says a lot more about you than it does about the OP.

[RandomMess]

Somehow I missed the last few pages.

This is deliberate sabotage and part of his subtle or not so subtle abuse.

[VeraDonovan]

@Justilou1

If it makes you feel better *@VeraDonovan* I have been receiving counselling for C-PTSD from childhood trauma and historical rape also. I am finding similar issues with my marriage. Where I used to find a safe haven, I have realised I was choosing not to think for myself and I had chosen to sublimate my feelings I’m deference to someone who either didn’t notice or took advantage.

I think this hits the nail on the head for me. Because of the things that have happened in the past I feel emotionally numb but at the same time agitated and on edge most of the time. I also have a very high tolerance for bad behaviour or abuse so my bar is low and my judgement is also not good.

My counsellor says I have to pay attention to me and how I am feeling but this is very hard to do. I also struggle to know when my feelings are unreasonable. So when I do feel upset or angry or disappointed I push those feelings down because I don't feel I am allowed to feel like that. My husband also doesn't like it when I express myself emotionally and expects me to be happy all of the time.

[Mix56]

So just go & sit in the car. surely its no big deal for 50 minutes...

[MeowPurrGrr]

DO NOT cancel your sessions! And make sure you’re always somewhere comfortable and distraction free for them, not in the car!

I speak from experience as I’ve not long finished 6 sessions of over the phone counselling so know exactly how important they are. I felt completely drained after and would often sit in my pyjamas for the day going over it all, I was lucky to have my sessions on my day off.

Your husband needs to respect this and make other arrangements to give you space, if that means ‘walking the streets’ so be it, that’s his concern!

Wishing you well with it all

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

@Shnuffles

I agree with PP who've said that he isn't unreasonable to want to be able to wfh on some Thursdays. I'd feel sad and disappointed if I was essentially banned from my own home on any given day of the week, even if the reason I wasn't welcome was my partner having an hour of counselling over the phone.

If you taking your call in the car would work, I'd do that. Either that or make it clear that he can wfh, but you need him to leave the house for that hour (if you trust that he'll go; if not, that's a sign of a pretty big problem). Don't be a martyr. Don't be guilted out of your counselling, if he really is guilting you. Don't cancel something that is helping you.

Of course, so much of what people would advise depends on the rest of your relationship, his tone of voice, how he usually behaves, etc. No-one reading this thread can know for certain whether or not he's horrible.

And I can't imagine wanting my distressed partner to feel in any way uncomfortable during their counselling sessions. I wouldn't even ask the question.

Why do you feel the need to put your convenience over your hypothetical OPs mental health?

[BlackCatShadow]

It's less than an hour a week and it's very important for your mental health. That isn't unreasonable.

He sounds a lot like my narcissistic Ex.

[RandomMess]

@VeraDonovan I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD and one of the tasks I have from my therapist is to do short meditation daily just to learn to try and connect with my feelings.

Have a go at trying that, it doesn't come easily to me.

I have a 3.5 minute guided one the therapist sent me the link to. PM me if you want the link.