Pissed off - husband and my counselling sessions

[VeraDonovan]

I have managed to get some counselling via the NHS for complex trauma and so far I have had three sessions. I am finding these sessions quite upsetting as they are dredging up past violence, including rape.

As we are in lockdown these sessions are by telephone. I work full time so I have been arranging the calls before I leave for work.

My husband worked at home for months last year during the first lockdown and only started going back into the office in September. He still works from home on Fridays and my counselling sessions are on Thursdays.

Obviously it is the bank holiday weekend coming up and he asked me on Saturday whether I had a session this week as he wanted to work from home on Thursday instead of Friday because he is not at work over the bank holiday. I said I did and he was a bit sulky because he wanted to work from home but he knows I want privacy for these calls.

He has text me this morning "checking" whether I have my counselling call on Thursday. I said I did but that I would sit in the car and take the call if he wanted to work from home. He then said he would "go out and walk the streets" during my call which made me feel as if I was putting him out so I said I would cancel my call for this week. He then said he would be at home next week as well during my call.

I feel really annoyed about this. He knows how important this is to me. Obviously his need to work from home is much more important than how I feel.

I don't know if I am being out of order here or whether he is just a selfish twat.

Well he is an absolute horror.

An absolutely abusive, nasty prick.

You know this OP.

I think you know it well.

You are NEVER going to fully benefit from your counselling until you are away from this abusive relationship.

How long are ye together?
Who owns the house?
Can you separate finances easily?
Have you support IRL.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid?

Of course he doesn't want you feeling better and stronger and seeing your awful marriage for what it is.

Your therapist sounds very helpful.
Please reschedule and undertake not to cancel another appointment.

You need this.

Get organised to get away from him asap.

@VeraDonovan

I am beginning to think this too. He doesn't hit me. He doesn't hurt me physically. But it's like I don't exist as a separate person with my own feelings. He does what he wants and I have to go along with it, otherwise he sulks. He tells me that he does everything for me and to make me happy but I don't think that's true.

And this counselling, it's almost like he doesn't want me to feel better or stronger.

Well, no. What you're vocalising now is exactly want he wanted to prevent happening - the realisation that he's abusive in a slightly different way.

His working from home listening into your session or forcing you to cancel it was with the intention of making you stay exactly where he wants you. In a cage.

Why did you cancel it. You could have just stayed in your car to have the session, as you originally planned. Why on earth does it matter if he was in the house or outside

LivBa, do you have experience of PTSD counselling?

You poor love. That is atrocious behaviour from husband, so selfish

You need counselling to get better. This should be his priority too. If he won’t support you in this, you’re better off without him. He’s clearly not making you happy.

He's not kind or loving at all is he.

To the posters asking why she cancelled:

OP is not a relationship where she can healthily share her concerns and needs with her partner.

OP has tried.

OPs DH is purposely moving the goal posts to make it awkward for her to do something for herself because he's clearly worried about what she will say during therapy.

She cancelled it because it was going to cause an argument if she insisted on staying in the house and him going to work or she would have to have a session in the car and not to be able to have space to talk safely.

This is how emotional manipulation and control works. you don't have to do anything to them all the time, as long as you've set that expectation that you are to be obeyed or else that you can pull those strings whenever you need to get that person in line.

OP you're doing great and this is the beginning of the end.

Don't beat yourself up for any of choices you've made in this situation, you are clearly under duress.

I feel like my head is full of custard. Everything I say gets thrown back at me. After a couple of hours of mocking me and telling me how awful I am he’s gone to bed. Apparently he’s leaving.

When he got home from work I told him I had cancelled my appointment. He asked why and I said it was obvious from the texts that he wanted to work from home. As I didn’t want to have the appointment in my car I cancelled it. He then said that he would work from home whenever he fucking wanted and told me to fuck off. Then he said I was a psychotic fat cunt. I have told him that if he verbally abused me again I will call the police. I don’t know if that was a stupid thing to say but I hat it when he calls me names.

@sticktomygun

To the posters asking why she cancelled:

OP is not a relationship where she can healthily share her concerns and needs with her partner.

OP has tried.

OPs DH is purposely moving the goal posts to make it awkward for her to do something for herself because he's clearly worried about what she will say during therapy.

She cancelled it because it was going to cause an argument if she insisted on staying in the house and him going to work or she would have to have a session in the car and not to be able to have space to talk safely.

This is how emotional manipulation and control works. you don't have to do anything to them all the time, as long as you've set that expectation that you are to be obeyed or else that you can pull those strings whenever you need to get that person in line.

OP you're doing great and this is the beginning of the end.

Don't beat yourself up for any of choices you've made in this situation, you are clearly under duress.

Thank you. This is absolutely the way things are. If I am totally compliant things are great. If I express any opinions or ask him to do something he doesn’t want to do he explodes so I get back in my box.

I know I probably overreacted to him asking me about my appointment again today but it just feels like I’m putting him out by wanting that hour to do the counselling in private. His job is Very Important so obviously what I need comes after what he wants to do. And I knew if I expressed that I needed him to be out of the house he wouldn’t take it well. Which he hasn’t.

The only way his "reality" works is that you have to be the one causing the problems because he is reasonable / pleasant etc etc

No wonder you feel like you are thinking through custard, you live / experience/ live in the real world but are constantly told, by the person who should believe you the most, that reality is their reality , which , funnily enough, has them at the centre.......... who knew

OP, you're doing so well to confront this. Stay with it.

He will obviously threaten to leave to try and push you back into the box. He won't do it, I guess he has threatened it before to get you to back down.

The way he has spoken to you is absolutely awful, he has no respect for you.

You are not a fat pathetic cunt for trying to organise therapy in your home.

He said that and he also said that he'll work from home whenever he wants, regardless of you.

And he'll verbally abuse you if you try and stand up to him.

Its time to go my dear, it's your health or this relationship.

So many of us on here will help you.

What practical steps do you need to do to leave/end the relationship?

What is the housing situation- rented/owned etc.

I'm glad you now realise it's abuse beyond doubt and can take steps to end it when you are ready

Goodness OP, your DH sounds absolutely horrendous.

Calling you names - and a very strong insult at that - would be no going back for me. He's shown you exactly what he thinks of you.

I can't tell you what to do, but if it were me... I'd be plotting my escape plan.

You didn't over react, you are trying to ensure your safety. It's completely understandable. You know what he wants you to do and you know the consequences of not doing it.

I know what it's like when someone asks you what's wrong and you know the only answer is nothing because if you say what is bothering you, you are just told "oh not this again", "you always keep on and on", "it doesn't bother you, you just want an argument". It's utterly consuming to be silenced. Any little slip up in not being silent, or a little remark out of frustration is shoved back down your throat.

I really think you should contact Women's Aid, for support and if possible find a way of contacting your therapist. If you feel afraid I would call the police so they can put a flag on your address so if you call they will know to respond.

Thank you all so much. As I said this doesn’t happen often but it always follows the same pattern. I say something he doesn’t like, he takes this as a personal attack, he then calls me horrible names or refers to my previous abuse, saying it’s obvious why I was treated like that,

Following that he usually tells me things that are not true. Tonight’s was that I kicked him out of our bedroom. We sleep in separate rooms. The reason for this is that for the last seven years he has kept me awake with snoring, fidgeting, farting and shouting out in his sleep. Every night I used to get out of bed and sleep on the sofa. I couldn’t sleep in the spare room as all of his clothes are in there. Then he would wake me up again at half five when he got up and came downstairs. So eventually he started sleeping in the spare room. His choice.

He now says he never woke me up in the night and I forced him into the spare room. It’s like double think and it wrecks my head because I can’t prove what I’m saying. He also denied calling me a psychotic fat cunt. He never said it and I can’t prove it.

Right so. House is rented and in my sole name. If he leaves there is no issue. I can pay for everything as I have an ok job. Not CEO of Amazon or anything but my rent is about 1/5 of my salary. I’ve always had a “running away” fund so I’ve got a few grand saved if he clears the house of furniture. Years of abuse has it’s upsides, you are always prepared for something going tits up.

I have good friends, like family only better.

My son is amazing. He’s not here btw, he’s at his dads so he doesn’t know about any of this.

My H won’t do anything horrible to me in front of my DS. He’s a bit of a coward and I think he knows DS would stick up for me. If push comes to shove though DS can stay at his dads until this is sorted. DS is nearly 18 so not a young child so I’m not worried about him, other than I don’t want him involved in this. If H called me names in front of my son I don’t think it would go down too well and I don’t want my son getting into trouble because of me.

@VeraDonovan

I am a therapist and I work with quite a few clients who are or were in abusive relationships.

Your husband is going to be escalating his behaviour because he knows the counselling is bound to open your eyes to what's really been going on. And he's not wrong - your eyes are definitely opening. He will sabotage and sabotage until it wears you down. He is gaslighting you because he needs you to waver and to comply. That's why your head feels like it's full of custard.

I do think you need to get away from him as soon as possible, and to keep up with your counselling no matter what: being there at the same time, every week, is a commitment to yourself - a very important one.

Legally what do you need to do to get him to leave? As the lead tenant you need to stay.

It sounds like my ex partner. I used to attend counselling sessions once a week, then he began WFH and counselling changed to a zoom meeting because of covid I had to keep cancelling because he would not give me the space to speak to her freely.

Eventually my counsellor realised how distressed I was and how difficult things were for me so she switched to phone calls and I started going for a walk so I'd have my session while roaming the streets outside.

I moved in with my parents a couple of months ago. He's still in our jointly owned house with our dd while we wait for it to sell. He refuses to leave and doesn't care that the current set up means I only see dd on weekends and holidays. Until we sell I'm going to have to stay with my parents because I have no money to rent and because living with him was making me very ill. I worry about and miss my dd all the time but I am so happy I finally have space to breathe. I bet you'd feel better too if you could get away from your H. It sounds like he is abusive just like my ex was, in those subtle ways you cannot really explain or fully understand, leaving you feeling like you're mad.

I’m hoping he finds somewhere and leaves. Normally I’m begging him to change his mind and trying to make up but I’m not doing that this time. If he does anything that worries me I’ll call the police. Again, being hyper vigilant works to my advantage sometimes because I know the signs of possible escalation or violence.

If he doesn’t leave of his own accord I’ll have to ask him to go. If he won’t go I’ll apply for divorce. I’m done with this I’ve been abused for the last 32 years of my life by one person or another. I’m not playing any more.

@Truro

It sounds like my ex partner. I used to attend counselling sessions once a week, then he began WFH and counselling changed to a zoom meeting because of covid I had to keep cancelling because he would not give me the space to speak to her freely.

Eventually my counsellor realised how distressed I was and how difficult things were for me so she switched to phone calls and I started going for a walk so I'd have my session while roaming the streets outside.

I moved in with my parents a couple of months ago. He's still in our jointly owned house with our dd while we wait for it to sell. He refuses to leave and doesn't care that the current set up means I only see dd on weekends and holidays. Until we sell I'm going to have to stay with my parents because I have no money to rent and because living with him was making me very ill. I worry about and miss my dd all the time but I am so happy I finally have space to breathe. I bet you'd feel better too if you could get away from your H. It sounds like he is abusive just like my ex was, in those subtle ways you cannot really explain or fully understand, leaving you feeling like you're mad.

Oh bless you. I’m so sorry to hear this. I know how hard it is. I left my ex husband when my son was 2. It was so hard but you will get there.

You sound so strong OP. I think you know what you need to do. If he won't leave you need to tell him to go.

You are in such a good position with money and the house, there is no reason to put up with his abuse for a minute longer.

I feel ok at the moment. I’m hoping I can hang on to that feeling until he’s gone.

Perhaps find a solicitor and start the ball rolling on the divorce. Give you control of the process.

You are one amazing and strong woman 💪