Is it me, or is he just horrible?

[DuchessHastingss]

I really need help to understand if it’s me or him.

He acts like he hates me.

Last night DD 14 was going to make her own dinner, DH went on at her about washing her hands before getting the pans out, DD washed her hands but already had the land out. DH kept on and on and saying DD wasn’t listening to him, DD was crying, DH got annoyed, I intervened and told DH to stop, DD was listening etc, DH got mad at me and stormed off.
This morning I am not feeling great with horrible cold etc, got up and made dD2 breakfast, she asked for one of my little chocolates, I said yes after breakfast, DH got annoyed and said no chocolate in the morning, tbh I was just tired and ill and wanted a quiet morning, DH had a go at me and then told DS2 he could have games console back even though I said no because I took it away last night as a consequence for hitting DD2, throwing a book at me and spitting on the floor in protest to bedtime.

DH has been being the kids into arguments, telling them not to listen to me etc.

There is obviously lots of background, I don’t argue back as don’t want atmosphere for DC. I feel like I’m going mad.

Is this normal?

I sent a message to my mums friend (she is not a close friend, just someone she used to work with) the solicitor asking about moving into rented, she said it won’t go against me for the settlement it just may take longer to get the place sold as he can stall and be difficult. She said it is best to pay half the mortgage though.

@dane8 I took your advice and used the benefit calculator, that’s the only way I know I could afford to pay both mortgage and rent. Thank you

The owner of the house next to my sister hasn’t replied to the message yet, he has just refurbished it though so not sure he will want kids and pets there. There is nothing else out there .

I went to my sisters yesterday afternoon, I took DDs with me as DS2 wanted to stay home with DH, we ended up staying for dinner so I asked DS if he wanted to come and offered to collect him, he got dropped round by DH and his friend and DH told DS he was going to his mums (obviously not!). Anyway he stumbled in at 11pm banging around drunk then kept getting up throughout the night being sick. I need to record all of this to show he is not doing 50:50 childcare.

"Best to" doesn't mean that you pay it if you can't afford to. I would start paying you share direct to the mortgage account otherwise you have no guarantee he's paying it.

You could still have to go to court to force sale etc. I'm not sure your DC can cope live in a toxic atmosphere for so long.

Does your share of the mortgage compare to the amount he should pay in child maintenance?

If so don't pay the mortgage and say that it's in lieu of maintenance payments (that he wouldn't have paid anyway)

And definitely don't give him money to pay the CM. All money leaving your account will be analysed so they will see the payment going to him.

Half the mortgage is £500 and the child maintenance is around £300.

I won’t give him the money for the maintenance. If I move out it will be more difficult for him to avoid paying it though.

If I don’t pay half the mortgage and it defaults I will loose everything. I will look into paying it straight to the mortgage account though. My dad mentioned we might be able to switch to just paying the mortgage interest until it sells so will ask about that too

You could even ask for a mortgage holiday?

Keep plugging away at getting an occupation order as well.

I think you are wise to speak with the mortgage provider about all this. Let them know it is shaping up to be a potentially messy divorce and that you are seeking legal and other advice on how to best proceed to protect your own credit score and personal assets. A half way decent mortgage provider will have encountered such situations before and may well have have policies in place. It is far better to let them know in advance than fine someone has run up debts in your name. Might be wise to change all your personal banking so he cannot use your details to create debts in your name to bleed you dry. IF this is even a remote possibility let your banking providers also know of the current situation. They should be able to help.

I have just realised DH has taken the children’s passports out of my file.

OP - you are amazing. It sounds really really hard but you are keeping on at it. Take it one step at a time. Good job you are really smart too. (way smarter than he'll ever be as he behaves just like a angry sulky toddler.)

Please consider contacting Womens Aid if you haven't done so already just so that you can have as mush support as there is out there.

Fingers crossed the rental works out for you. Remember their behaviour escalates the closer you get to actually leaving so maybe don't let him know at all until you are safe.

*much

Cancel the passports ASAP.

Take their birth certificates somewhere safe i.e. someone else's house so he can't reapply for them.

Don't let him take them anywhere.

I have just found the passports, I don’t think he did take them, I think I had put them in a different place.

I have just asked him again about him moving out or I will move out. He was calm and civil and said he will think about it.

Oh that's good. I would still take them somewhere safe when he can't get them.

Hi, thanks for your message. It’s been up and down. DH is being very civil, I can’t find a house to rent. He hasn’t agreed to move out yet.
I saw my new solicitor and had my first mediation appointment.
I have just swapped bedrooms with DS2 and went out and bought my own double bed so currently trying to figure out how to put that together!

Can anyone please advise me as my new solicitor seems to be as useful as the last and hasn’t responded to my emails.

I may have found a house to rent. DH has refused to leave our house and refuses to put it up for sale. I told him I will find somewhere to rent for me and DC and he said I cannot take the DC. He said if I leave without telling him he will just pick the DC up from school and refuse to return them.

I don’t know what to do. My DD1 eating disorder is getting worse and her anxiety is through the roof, she says it is partly due to living with DH still with the was he is being.

Thanks for any advice

Speak to school safeguarding
Your dd needs to tell her counsellor what is going on
Your dd can refuse to go with him but she needs to speak to someone for support

Get his threats in email
So you can tell solicitor

The emotional haem to your daughter is grounds for an occupation order. I think you need to work on getting him out and forcing a house sale. If your solicitor is not up to scrarch, get another one. Some family law solicitors think injunctions are beneath them. If you can speak to Women's Aid they may have a list of suitable solicitors.

Sorry for typos, fat fingers. An Occuptaion order is an injunction, as is a non molestation order. In a lot of firms junior people do this work, hence the attitude in some quarters.

Speak to National Domestic Violence Helpline they can help you apply. Perhaps you can also apply for a residency order for the younger DC?

I read through your thread and I'm so so glad that you are leaving him. What an abusive, pathetic excuse for a man and father. How dare he do that to the kids 😡. You are a very, very strong woman and he knows this and is so threatened by you. Lots of advice on the thread. Hang in there🌷

I've sent you a DM. I've been in a similar situation. Sorry it's a bit long!

He's being civil because he feels like he's in control of the situation. Once the tables start to turn the whole civil act will drop.
Like PP have said speak to the school, and I hopefully you'll be able to find a decent solicitor.