Is it me, or is he just horrible?

[DuchessHastingss]

I really need help to understand if it’s me or him.

He acts like he hates me.

Last night DD 14 was going to make her own dinner, DH went on at her about washing her hands before getting the pans out, DD washed her hands but already had the land out. DH kept on and on and saying DD wasn’t listening to him, DD was crying, DH got annoyed, I intervened and told DH to stop, DD was listening etc, DH got mad at me and stormed off.
This morning I am not feeling great with horrible cold etc, got up and made dD2 breakfast, she asked for one of my little chocolates, I said yes after breakfast, DH got annoyed and said no chocolate in the morning, tbh I was just tired and ill and wanted a quiet morning, DH had a go at me and then told DS2 he could have games console back even though I said no because I took it away last night as a consequence for hitting DD2, throwing a book at me and spitting on the floor in protest to bedtime.

DH has been being the kids into arguments, telling them not to listen to me etc.

There is obviously lots of background, I don’t argue back as don’t want atmosphere for DC. I feel like I’m going mad.

Is this normal?

Can you use this opportunity to sort bedrooms out? Or at least start planning to?

I had a bit of a tidy round and then went to my parents house for the egg hunt.

DH has calmed down today. He is now just ignoring me. I asked to speak with him just now, I asked him to move out and I will pay the mortgage until the house sells, he refused, I offered to leave but wouldn’t be able to pay half the mortgage, he said I have to pay half. I asked him to do alternate weekends staying away so we don’t have to be under the same roof for weekends, he refused that too. I told him I struggling emotionally and it’s really hard being under the same roof, he said I was lying and I hate him.

I don’t know why but I feel really sad today. It’s pathetic but I just want to cuddle him, I haven’t got the energy to fight today. I feel so lonely and I know I shouldn’t, I have my DC, but I think the reality is starting to sink in now he isn’t being a total arsehole today.

This is fucking parental alienation. I'd be outraged and would talk that out. Either solve it or leave it!

@Amanda87im sorry I don’t understand your post.

@dane8 I have to go through with it, for my daughter if nothing else

He is still horrible and controlling. The hard part is that your life is really stressful and the one person who would normally support and comfort you is the one person you can't go to because they are the cause of the stress.
He is being his true self, uncaring, rigid and self-centred. We are here to support you all the way.

It is lonely, though.
The problem is that the person you are married to behaves badly towards you and your DC. So even if you feel lonely, being with him is not a solution. That is a difficult situation.
You are going to have to consult your solicitor to get the ball rolling legally, and sort the house and a contact plan. At some point, he will have to negotiate contact with you, he cannot just keep saying no, or else a court will make an order in line with how the judge views DC’s best interests.
It is not a position anyone wants to be in, but you will come out the other side.

So he's refusing to do anything. He won't work with you to resolve the issues so you can stay married, maybe even happily, and he won't move out, and won't have you move out. So he's basically saying he's happy to live in a crappy marriage and do nothing. Or rather, he wants you to continue to be abused by him and do nothing to rock the boat.

My suggestion is see a solicitor, kick off the divorce proceedings and eventually he'll be forced to make a decision, or the decision will be made by a judge for him.

Yep it’s pretty rubbish. He is being civil today, it just makes it harder. He has told our joint friend though so at least I know he is taking it seriously. I have 3 estate agents coming tomorrow whilst DH is at work. I just want to push on with this now.

I had the house valued today, it was good news. I think it has made it all a bit real though, having a bit of a wobble this evening. I haven’t told DH about the valuations, I will have to tell him this evening, not sure how he will react though.

It's likely he is a covert narcissist so do some research on divorcing a narcissist. It's best to find a solicitor who has experience of high conflict individuals.

You can do this even if he makes your life difficult however long term your children will benefit.
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It is quite common for people outside not to understand why you are divorcing, they will assume it's just normal up & downs of a marriage. What they won't see is his need for control and hyper sensitivity to any perceived criticism.

How did he handle past relationship break ups?

I think he has always been difficult in break ups.

I told him about the valuations as soon as he got home. He accused me of being deceitful, demanded 50% still and then asked if I was 100% breaking up was what I wanted, I assured him it was. He said we needed to tell the DC, I said we do need to tell them but not now, we should do it when we are both calm and they have the time to process it and ask any questions they may have. He said we must do it straight away so we sat at the dinner table just about to eat and he says “guys we’ve got something to tell you” then just looked at me to continue, DS2 kept asking what? DH just sat there looking at me smugly so I said “ you know how mummy has been sleeping in DS1 room because mummy and daddy are not very happy with each other, well we have decided we do not want to be married to each other anymore and we do not want to live together. So we will sell this big house and buy two smaller homes, one fir mummy and one for daddy.” DS2 asked where they will live, I started to say they will spend time with both of us and DH jumped in and said they can choose where to live. DS2 looked very uncomfortable and said he could spend a week with mummy and a week with daddy, DH said yes if that’s is what you want. I said that is something the grown ups have to talk about and decide what is best for the children, DH said no, DS has said what he wants we will do that.
DS is 8 and only said that as he could sense DH was angry. DH started saying “mummy got the estate agents round without even asking daddy....”
I took the DC to my parents to get out the way as I could feel DH getting nasty. Whilst I was there my DM said she has a friend who is a family solicitor and she messaged her as I am worried sick about him getting 50/50 custody. The solicitor called me and said if it went to court it would be very unlikely he would be awarded 50/50. She was lovely and reassured me.
When we got home I told DC it was time for bed, DH said no, they can stay up. DD2 asked to watch YouTube, I said no it’s a bit late, DH said she could.
I hate the way he is using them to point score.

Try not to let him see you angry.

Keep detailed records of everything. Even just to remind yourself of what a wanker he is.

Make sure you get records of banks, savings, pensions. Marriage certificates, passports etc

I need some advice please, I can’t remember if I posted on here at the time but we had money in our joint account and I took out half less money to cover some bills that were due out. I messaged DH and told him what I had done and he then cleared the account leaving nothing for the bills. Today a bill was taken making the account overdrawn.....

I ended up paying all of it as he had not put it back before the deadline.

I don’t know what to do.

He's playing dirty now.

Who's name is on the bills that come out of the joint account? It's the name on the bill who's credit rating will be effected.

It is in both names. I’m so fed up with all of this. I wish I could just move out

Which is you in the text exchange? The green?
So he took his half of the joint account, but ignored the fact you had left £281 for the bills? Is that right? Did you both pay half into the joint account in the first place? Presuming so, then he owes £140.50 to the account, but is arguing that from now on, you both need to pay half? Am I understanding this correctly?

I would do a spreadsheet of outgoings and say you both need to put half in to cover them until such time as either of you have other living arrangements.

God he's disgusting. Using your poor 8 year old.
Please make sure it's you who puts the divorce application in so he can't drag it out.
Keep a diary of the child related manipulation as well.
I feel for you op.
If that bill is in his name just let it bounce.

God he’s a vindictive child isn’t he. I’m so sorry he’s putting you and the children through this. I know it’s utterly draining but try to stay strong, keep your eye on the prize (not living under his draining and negative influence but being free and happy with your lovely DC)

@KatySun our bills are taken out of 3 different accounts, it's a bit confusing, some out of my own account, some out of his sole account and some out of the joint account. we worked it all out so they are shared evenly between us, the mortgage comes out of his sole account and that is the biggest direct debit is I pay some money to him each month and some to the joint account. He took all of the £281 that I had left in there for the bills plus the half of the balance. So There was £8681, this was the money left to renovate the house plus some money for bills. I took £4200 leaving £4481 and suggested he take his £4200 leaving £281 for bills but he took it all. Therefore he should put the £281 back in but he is refusing.
I think we need to get all household bills coming out of the joint account and each pay in half to cover them each month. I will contact all the companies today, this will be way less confusing and I will just have to write off the £281 to poor judgement.

I have emailed my solicitor this morning explaining what DH is doing and asking for advice. I really want to get out of here, he has a half day today too so will be back at 12. DS1 is saying tonight so I will have to sleep in the lounge as I have been borrowing his room.
I remember now why I have backed down on wanting to leave so many times, he makes life hell and I hate what he is doing the the kids. I have t o stay strong this time and get us out of this situation.

I emailed my boss yesterday and explained about the divorce and DH wanting 50/50 care of the children, I asked if I could finish work early 2 days a week to collect the children from school as I was worried Dh may have a stronger case as he collects on a Friday and I never do, my boss agreed, I am so relieved.

Just keep the bills as they are, but offset everything against your half of mortgage payments.
He has to pay that, so if he's down for being an idiot the month before his fault.
Always send him an invoice of what you paid v what was owed, plus balancing figure.

I have just changed all the bills to come out of the joint account before I saw your suggestion @Whythesadface. I have made a spreadsheet which I will send to DH. If all the utilities and mortgage bills come out of one account in both our names we can each pay in half of the total each month. That way there are no arguments about who is paying more etc.

He will be home soon, I’m dreading the weekend with him

And now DH has come home from work and seen me cooking DC their favourite lunch, he has taken them to McDonald’s