Is it me, or is he just horrible?

[DuchessHastingss]

I really need help to understand if it’s me or him.

He acts like he hates me.

Last night DD 14 was going to make her own dinner, DH went on at her about washing her hands before getting the pans out, DD washed her hands but already had the land out. DH kept on and on and saying DD wasn’t listening to him, DD was crying, DH got annoyed, I intervened and told DH to stop, DD was listening etc, DH got mad at me and stormed off.
This morning I am not feeling great with horrible cold etc, got up and made dD2 breakfast, she asked for one of my little chocolates, I said yes after breakfast, DH got annoyed and said no chocolate in the morning, tbh I was just tired and ill and wanted a quiet morning, DH had a go at me and then told DS2 he could have games console back even though I said no because I took it away last night as a consequence for hitting DD2, throwing a book at me and spitting on the floor in protest to bedtime.

DH has been being the kids into arguments, telling them not to listen to me etc.

There is obviously lots of background, I don’t argue back as don’t want atmosphere for DC. I feel like I’m going mad.

Is this normal?

Move out. I know it may make it harder to get him out but your children are being damaged by this.
Also see a solicitor about parental alienation and write down every example like this and all if the things he is saying to them.

Thank you @Isthisit22, I have not heard anything back from my solicitor. I have just contacted another firm who accept legal aid and they are calling me back this afternoon. I didn’t like my solicitor from the start, he was very to the point and I felt like he took a dim view of me due to the legal aid. I’m hoping this other firm may take on my case and give me some advice

He is behaving so like my ex. I got an occupation order last xmas, he was out of the house until August as per the order, the order ran out before the house sold, massively delayed because of Covid. House finally sold in January, so I had 5 months of having to live with him again. I didn't have the money to go back to court and kept hoping the sale would complete. During this time, he did everything he could to screw up the sale, but all viewings done and offer accepted, as he was scared to breach the court order it went through inthe end.

He also did all he could to alienate me from my 2 children,and seems to have done quite a good job with my 18 year old son, who is at a diificult age anyway but who I've always had a great relationship with . He is about to go to University so I hope reality will strike him then.

Honestly, you can't live like this. If you can't get him out, rent somewhere pending sale. I honestly contemplated all sorts in that 5 months when he was back in the house, it is intolerable.

Keeping my fingers crossed for your new solicitor. Sending a ((hug)) to get you through the weekend.

Occupation order made December 2019 I should say, to avoid confsion.

Gosh op l have just read your entire thread, l am so so sorry he is a truly nasty man.
You are so doing the right thing, good luck

[quote DuchessHastingss]@wewereliars I know what you mean and I want to report him but I know it will be like a red rag to a bull, it’s just not worth it. I have spoken to DD2 (6yr old) and she understands why she must not keep secrets like that from mummy. I am noting everything he is doing. I need to be sure I will get the order before I apply for it as if he knows and I don’t get it life will be hell.

@thenewduchessofhastings, either you know me and DH or this is all just textbook behaviour. Everything you said is true. Yes, DS1 went to live with his Dad last year when he turned 12, partly because he gets to do what he wants when he wants there, and partly because he did not get along with DH, even thought DH came into his life when he was only 1 year old, they never got on, now I can see DH resented him for some reason.

The latest thing is DH has not locked the front door. I have gone and asked him for the key and he has refused. He has gone to bed and left it unlocked. So now I obviously cant sleep as I don’t know if we are safe.[/quote]
Get the lock changed and don't give him a key. That way you can lock it each night

I've just read your thread. Please contact women's aid for support. They can really help you. He's an abusive man and is abusing you and your children. Sadly things do ramp up once they know you're ending it. Be prepared for him to play every dirty game in the book. You can do this, you are incredibly strong! You've come so far so please don't give up. I describe my relationship with my abusive ex as a tug of war, each incident I lost a bit more rope until I just ended up grasping at the frayed edges. It's not a good place to be. 💐

You know he will be difficult, so tell him, joint account is just that and if he pulls this money stunt again you will let the none payments go on BOTH of your credit scores, Ask him how he will get a Mortgage then when you split....

Glad you are getting a new solicitor. Please think about taking the kids to your mum's if you can. Must be awful for you all living like that 💐

Thanks everyone. So sorry about your son @wewereliars, that’s awful. I hope he comes around once he gets to Uni, it’s so tough being a mum.

I can’t change the locks as he jointly owns the house.

The new solicitors assistant called me, she was lovely, said she would check with a colleague and call me straight back but did not call again.

I think DH may have seen or spoken to a solicitor today, he has been much more civil since the McDonald’s incident. I went to Sainsbury’s with DD1 and treated myself to some new bedding for my sons single bed to make it feel more like mine.

I think what you have done with the bills and mortgage is sensible as it should be all clear now and you are both paying half. Much more simple to explain to your solicitor - whichever one you end up with. It is a good idea to try and find a solicitor you are happy with.

My DS1 didn’t come to stay, I think he was worried things would be awkward with DH

I have checked the rental idea and I would have to top the rent up about £500 per month plus pay half the mortgage so I can’t do it. The property market has gone crazy recently and there are no rentals around anyway.

I will have to suck it up and keep my head down until the sale goes through.

I need child maintenance from DH for my mortgage affordability, it has to be in my account for 3 consecutive months for the bank to use it. There is no way DH will agree to pay this. I was thinking of giving DH the money and asking him to transfer it back to me to look like I am receiving it, I’m not sure he will agree though. Any ideas around this are very welcome! Thank you

You claim the CMS as of now before he claims it from you. Are you the one in receipt of child benefit for all the DC?

I can see it will end up you having to pay for everything in the joint account though.

Yes, although I think claiming the CMS will prompt him into saying he is doing 50:50, in which case you will need to agree a clear schedule and he will need to stick to it. What is the status quo regarding childcare? Does he do half of it? Sorry if you have answered that.
I doubt he will pay CMS if he is also living in the house and parenting (even if his parenting consists of pretty much undermining you).

I would certainly not give him money to give back to you in case you never see it again.

Just press ahead with the house sale and legal matters as quick as possible, I think?

I don't have the best answer for CMS but I would log a claim straight away as one of those jobs that need ticked off the list.

So if you do all the school runs, I would put in a claim that he has DC EOW and one night in the week- can he collect from school 50 50? Realistically ?

Send him an email setting out the childcare as such.
Then you are going to have to do no childcare EOW. Go to your mum. Hold your nerve.

When he doesn't give you the money, you immediately inform CMS there is a missed payment and then there is a process to follow. He will undoubtedly argue 50 50
You send the email as evidence.

Ask CMS to move to collect and pay as soon as you can.

Remember he isn't ever going to play nice so you move on, keep on, one word answers and two line emails. Repeat. Repeat.

I do most of the childcare. I work in a school so finish at 3.30 everyday and have all school holidays off with the DC. I take them to breakfast club everyday and My Dm collects from school one day, I now collect 2 days, after school club one day and DH collects on a Friday as he finishes midday. DH goes to work at 7.30am and gets home at 5.30pm. I take DC to swimming (when it is normally on) and any other clubs they have. I cook them dinner every night, make their packed lunches and breakfast.
I don't think he will agree to pay child maintenance as that will be him confirming he is not doing 50% of their care which is what he wants to argue. He only wants this so he doesn't have to pay maintenance and will be awarded a higher share of the marital assets. If I make a claim through CMS whilst we are still living together he will fight it and this may work in his favour in court when he applies for joint custody.

It's so frustrating, I want to borrow more on the mortgage so that I don't have to take so much out of the equity of the house so DH is left with a decent deposit for his own place. If I can't borrow enough I will have to take a larger percentage of the house so it is in his interests to pay maintenance now. If only he was reasonable!

Honestly I would move you and the DC put to your Mums and establish EOW plus he can have Friday overnight until Saturday morning on the alternate week.

You need to be strategic and get out of horrible atmosphere for the DC sake.

He can argue for more but then then he is going to have to do/arrange childcare for school pick up and drop offs.

I had a call from the new solicitor this morning, he called me from his mobile when he was at home, he was really nice and I am going to see him on Monday morning.

My sister called and said her neighbour is just about to put his 3 bedroom house up for rent and she thinks he wants about £1300 per month, I have just been doing all the calculations and I could just about afford it and still pay half the mortgage on our house. This would only work with me claiming child maintenance from DH though but if I make a claim through the Child Maintenance Service he will have to pay and won't be able to argue 50/50 custody as we won't even be living together. My brother in law is messaging the neighbour now, I'm keeping everything crossed.

We can't move to my mums as she doesn't have a big enough house for us to squeeze in.

You don't actually need to pay half the mortgage tbh - that could be worked out as part of the settlement and offset against the fact you have had to pay rent. Discuss this detail with your solicitor.

Duchess, don't suggest to him to give you money he has had from you FGS, you will be handing him ammunition to paint you as dishonest. Don't do or say anything to him untl you have spoken to your new solicitor. He sounds promising.

"wants about £1300 per month, I have just been doing all the calculations and I could just about afford it and still pay half the mortgage on our house"

Well no you move out you don't pay mortgage
He chooses to stay he pays to stay there

Absolutely - don't pay the mortgage as well as rent. It will not back fire in divorce I promise.

Nor will CMS. Open a claim. It will take ages till you get money as he will counter 50 50 and you will have to jump through some hoops but you will win out. He isn't going to step up - it's all threat.
So get the claim started.

Plus CMS are utterly shit at the moment. I had to get my MP to make them do their job this year.