Please help me understand

[Teensandfuture]

Hi all
Just looking for opinion on this exchange between me and someone I fancy at work. I've never met him in person yet, he's in different location, senior to me but I'm not reporting to him. We meet in teams meetings a lot, lots of emails etc. I fancy him. I guess I was flirting with him but maybe subtly.
He's going through something very traumatic at the moment, old job related and it's in a public eye. I have been chatting to him about it, he was saying he really appreciate my support. He then said when we will meet in person, he will explain more about the situation.
Bit later I Said "anytime re support, just waiting for you to be" my location bound '. He replied only in June, I'm afraid, passing through my location a bit further. I've as what's in that location, he said one of our suppliers, he's meeting with them.

I've replied : don't we have suppliers in "my" location? That need urgent meeting?
He replied with laughing emoji, no further comment.
That conversation was late in the evening, outside of work hours.
After he didn't reply I felt I've overstepped just a friendly mark and tried to lighten up the situation by sending another message saying " anyway I'm not usually like this, but it's harmless isn't it"

He read that next morning, very early and didn't reply.
In the morning I have sent an email, he was cc'd in it and few minutes after, he sent me on my chat "completely harmless 😊"

I didn't even know what to say after that, took me half a day to reply. My reply was "you are a perfect gentleman, of course 😊"
His reply was an immidiate "and you are a perfect lady ☺️"
I replied " ill bite my tongue now 🙊"
He said "why is that? 😁"
I really carefully thought, for a while what to reply. It was "because there's something about you that makes me compromise my lady like composure ☺️"

He's reply was immidiate :" I'm sorry about that. I don't mean to. I'm very flattered. I do know - I'm blushing too ☺️ "
My reply was an hour later, about the weather and later" you've nothing to apologise for, it's all in my head "
He read, didn't reply immideatly, I thought that was it
Then in the evening he said" hope you'll have a nice weekend, I'll try not to work on both days "
I've replied with general chat about work, conversation gone until about 10 PM,but just work related stuff. At the end I've asked him where he grew up, making a joke about different accents, he replied explaining and I explained my background. He read last night and no contact since last night.
I don't really know what to do /how to approach this going forward.
Is he just being polite or there could be something there? I really fancy him ☺️

I guess my point is that there's no need to stereotype Brits as dour, stiff upper lip, uptight types who need booze to be as confident as OP when actually it's just being pointed out that she's making a tit of herself.

Some guys love the thrill of the chase and to be making the moves but other guys like strong confident women who know what they want.
I get the impression you're very much the latter and also that you're used to getting the men you want which may be why you're finding his lack of romantic interest so confusing?*

I'm absolutely used to getting men I want, and it is very confusing this isn't reciprocated. I don't think I'm beautiful but been described as charming, pretty and my "sexy" accent usually does the trick.

I often see this smile on men faces when they hear me speak, which is unmistakable of some sort of interest.

It's in all sort of situation, online dating, work, starting new relationships - recognising that smily expression never let me down before, until now.

😂😂😂

Honestly, my job isn't under a threat.

Also I'm not French.

And anyway it doesn't matter.

I think he's just simply married that's all.

Having said what I said before, I would never make a pass at somebody that would be giving out no signals whatsoever . I'm not that tone deaf and I would not have any interest in someone who never shown me no interest.

I tend to settle on the idea he just thought "oh shit what I'm doing, I shouldn't be engaging"

Why people on this thread getting worked up about some persived criticism of British culture, is beyond me.

No nation, no culture is perfect, its just the way things done in particular region that's all.

@Teensandfuture

Honestly, my job isn't under a threat.

Also I'm not French.

And anyway it doesn't matter.

I think he's just simply married that's all.

Having said what I said before, I would never make a pass at somebody that would be giving out no signals whatsoever . I'm not that tone deaf and I would not have any interest in someone who never shown me no interest.

I tend to settle on the idea he just thought "oh shit what I'm doing, I shouldn't be engaging"

Why people on this thread getting worked up about some persived criticism of British culture, is beyond me.

No nation, no culture is perfect, its just the way things done in particular region that's all.

Personally OP I don't see what you have done wrong here?

You tried to have a little flirt he gave you nothing? So now you have backed off, I don't get what everyone else's problem is? There have been times when many of us have embarrassed ourselves through men.

I know I have!

Honestly don't worry about what's happened. You've not met him either which is a bonus for now! But I think your right maybe he's not single and that's why he didn't give off too much.

Fair play to him though because he could of just carried that on.

The pile-on in this thread is really unpleasant to read. It's one thing to think the OP has acted foolishly, but another to pile on with personal insults and mockery.
MN at its worst.

Just ignore all the arse holes on here, OP.

They literally read into every fine detail, make assumptions and the rest, its exhausting.

At least hes carrying on being professional and it hasnt seemed to have made things awkward.

Update if anything happens!

@ContractClockAndCrucible

The pile-on in this thread is really unpleasant to read. It's one thing to think the OP has acted foolishly, but another to pile on with personal insults and mockery. MN at its worst.

Absolutely. Some women hate self confidence in other women. Harassment? What an absolute joke.

God what a pile on. Yes the messages were cringy but watching other people flirting IS cringy. I don't think you've done anything wrong.
Seems like he likes the attention from you, but is probably either married or isn't bothered enough to want a relationship. But no harm done.

Hi OP. Don't let people give you a hard time and feel free to update - it is your thread after all.

I work at a very reputable company and actually met my current partner there... you can bet we sent flirtatious e-mails at the beginning and even said the odd one or two even now. No harm has been done and neither of us have been pulled up on it.

I think if you can cancel any meeting you don't NEED to have with him, that would be a good idea. You need to detach. Once you back away, you'll stop thinking about him.

mrsHastings

Thanks, I will update if there will be an update.

I was fairly sure it won't be awkward anyway, as I said he's great, intelligent and looks like he's a gentleman in any sort of situation.

I'll see how next meeting will go, and if I feel awkward I have an opportunity to slowly reduce engagement with him. My manager has suggested I'll put a question on agenda for the next meeting :to discuss how much of an engagement is required going forward . And I'm pretty sure the outcome will be based on how I word it:do I want to slowly reduce engagement, end it or want to carry on at current pace.

All is good, I'm not stuck and will try to forget this happened.

Some women hate self confidence in other women.

Their comments are more about them and their perseption, then they are about me.

For me the worst comment was somebody suggesting I'm trying to sleep my way to the top.

I've enough brains and grit to make it where I want to be and I'm doing well so far anyway.

OP, I haven't seen that comment but it's just out and out misogyny. There's a lot of it on this thread.

I think some posters on here have forgotten that you didn’t post this on AIBU, that’s where you expect pile-ons like there have been on this thread.

I don’t think you’ve done anything outrageous, either; I really don’t see how it could be seen as harassment on your part, that was ridiculous. I read it as him enjoying the flirting but not wanting/able to be in a relationship with you.

Anyway, it looks like there’s been no harm done.

@CirqueDeMorgue

OP, I haven't seen that comment but it's just out and out misogyny. There's a lot of it on this thread.

Comments most likely coming from housewifes of alpha males, convinced its them enabling husbands careers by washing their socks and ironing their shirts

Misogyny you say? What, like this comment from the OP?

I’m intrigued by the comment ‘in the public eye’ ... is it Chris Whitty?

I'm not that tone deaf and I would not have any interest in someone who never shown me no interest

Um, but you’ve never even met the man, and his messages back are clearly not reciprocating. He’s acknowledged you fancy him and said it’s harmless. In your messages to him you’ve both been tone deaf and can’t remotely claim a man you’ve never met is interested in you.

He's in the public eye? That's probably why he's backpedalling! In all seriousness i'd just back it down. If he's interested he'll let you know. As you can see people are more judgmental about women being flirty. Keep it straight forward on work email so it doesn't come back and bite you on the bum.

I think work place romances are fine. However, most people 1) find out they are single first , there are ways to do this in conversation 2) don’t flirt on work devices, move anything like that onto personal devices 3) when you’ve made it obvious you like someone, don’t keep going on unless the other person reciprocates.
4) when raising the question on MN don’t insult people by stating they are all housewives with the sole purpose of ironing socks for their husbands. Really awful.

I feel shit.

Something isn't right, something happened.

I've had emails exchange with him on Tuesday and brief chat, for a very specific work query,on teams, I've messaged last asking a question, basically either I should take action or he will do, to set a process, as its better if comms come from him,will have more weight to it..
He never replied.

Then he didn't appear on chat since a bit later that day. It's next to impossible in our work situation not to be present on teams , as all meetings there . No out of office message, nothing, just last seen Tuesday afternoon.

Yesterday I've asked someone in his team if he's on holiday or at work. I've been told he's at work in a hf a day health and safety meeting.

He still didn't appear online after that supposed meeting finished.

He's appeared out of office, today, - says for next 8 hours, looks like default settings on out of office only.

I now think he either left or under some procedure with no access to systems.

My gut feeling it's that corporate investigation re previous job somehow.

Can't message him asking if everything is OK, because my concern will sound mental if everything IS OK.

Do nothing OP. If he’s in bother and wants to chat, he knows where you are.

I don't think it's normal or healthy behaviour to be watching when someone comes online or goes, or asking if they are in the office etc... it's bordering obsessive now. Remove yourself from the situation, take a big step back and try to put it all to the back of your mind because this is getting very out of hand

It's a bank holiday so that could be why he's showing as OOO?

You’re far too invested in this OP. He’s a colleague. You clearly haven’t exchanged numbers or see each other as friends.

So he was on training yesterday and today it’s a bank holiday so he’s out of the office?
Take a step back OP. If there’s anything going on and he wants you to know about it, he’ll tell you.