Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I stop irritating my 'd'h

361 replies

Namechange7625 · 27/03/2021 08:33

To sum it all up quickly..

Me and dh got married after 6 months of dating. In all other aspects he is the best person for me and we have a really lovely relationship. He's caring, thoughtful, loving and affectionate.

Dh told me on our 5th/6th date that he gets angry quickly especially when driving but its something he really doesn't like in himself and he has worked hard to not be like that. Just for context he does not threaten to hurt me/punch walls ect and I do not ever feel scared of him. I carried on seeing him and married him and he came across as very laid back in life, apart from when driving.

Now we've been married 3 months and he's not so laid back. Yesterday I irritated him by interrupting his phone call with a suggestion for the issue he was trying to solve. He told me after how much this annoyed him, I apologised and said its habit for me and I will try to not do it again but me and my friends jump in each others phone calls and so does my family, it can happen with work too when a colleague may know of more up to date info. We argued all day, his argument with me was that everyone knows its rude and I'm justifying it, my argument with him was how he went on at me 3 times about it, I finally bit back, he left the room and came back another 3 times to rant at me. I don't like being shouted at or belittled and I don't expect my husband to shout at me over anything really. I wasn't rude, I wasn't disrespectful, I felt blindsided in that we were having a conversation and bam he starts being horrible to me. I had also apologised but apparently it wasn't heartfelt enough...

This blindsiding keeps happening, I really don't understand how having a conversation with no raised voices or attitudes leads to this. He was really angry yesterday and said it was over and that we're not compatible. He then retracted that - but he's threatened to leave me before and after I explained how it made me feel he promised to not do it again. Obviously he just has and couldn't keep that promise. Imo people argue sometimes, it doesn't need to ever get to the level he took it too and if you can threaten to leave me over me interrupting a phone call, then where will you be when we've got a real issue.

I don't like being shouted at, called names or belittled. I also feel like I was fine single before and I'll be fine again but I would like to make my marriage work as apart from this we're really compatible. I feel disconnected from him now, he keeps trying to be nice to me but I feel hurt and not sure if I want to be with someone who gets angry with me when I don't even realising I'm doing anything wrong.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/03/2021 19:28

Joint counselling is never recommended when there is abuse of any type within the relationship.

Spagootiba · 27/03/2021 19:35

Honestly, you don't want to be in marriage where you have to wall on egg shells all of the time. If he won't listen and be enough of an adult to air his greavances and you air yours and then accept an apology then, he is going to be very hard to live with.
You now know it is a peeve of his, you won't do it again but he shouldn't drag it out and make it a much bugger thing than it is.

GoWalkabout · 27/03/2021 19:40
  1. Has he had relationships before and what does he say about how they ended?
  2. Have you considered asking the police for a Claire's law disclosure of whether he is a known domestic abuser which is your right?
  3. This man WILL hit you but not until he has groomed you to think you deserve it and its all your fault. You have been dealt a rough hand in life, try to stop the cycle and look after yourself ❤️
Flyingf1edgelings · 27/03/2021 19:46

Any normal person would say after the phone call can you please not interrupt me when I’m on the phone, when dh does it that’s how I respond.. it’s really not a huge deal.
His reaction was very aggressive and flicking you is not ok or following you around the house.
I had an ex and when things were good they were amazing, when they were bad they were mentally draining and abusive. Please leave, he doesn’t think he has done much wrong because you haven’t seen his worst

Eckhart · 27/03/2021 19:47

Does anybody else tell you that you are negative? Do you think you're negative (not in this relationship; I mean, in other areas of your life)?

DeathToCovid · 27/03/2021 19:50

Oh gosh OP

This is not healthy.
This is not normal.
This is abuse.

Please run for the hills whilst you’re still in one piece otherwise you have a lifetime of abuse and unhappiness ahead of you.

Aria999 · 27/03/2021 19:51

@Namechange7625

He blames me for his responses and says I'm bad for his mental health. I genuinely do not do anything on purpose, I get that I can be irritating with interrupting ect or in an argument when he's horrible to me I take issue with him being horrible and we have two different arguments which frustrates him even more. I don't want to give up just yet as in everything else is perfect.
No no no. He blames you for his mental health? This is not ok. That is not something 'the loveliest person' would be doing but is an absolute classic for the abusive partner. 'It's your fault I hit you, you made me lose control' isn't too far down the road.
DispensingShitAdviceSince2002 · 27/03/2021 19:55

@Geppili

Ps Do NOT show him this thread.
This.
LalalalalalaLand123 · 27/03/2021 20:00

OP Ive been in many relationships, two long-term living together, one married - no one has EVER flicked me hard, or anything similar.
The thing about people with anger issues is that you'll never know what is going to set them. It could be ANYTHING; and it's often petty and unpredictable. You'll be living on eggshells permanently, apologising and grovelling for things you dont even understand, you'll shrink, you'll stop speaking your opinions, just to try to bring and keep peace. It's no way to live. Ask him to leave now, he's said it himself that "things arent working", thats all you need to say. Good luck OP.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 27/03/2021 20:00

*set them off

MsJinks · 27/03/2021 20:02

It can’t be just the interruption of the phone call you’re discussing- I think he’s started indicating that you have a few irritating habits. People do and when you first live together that’s when you realise - I mean he’s realising pretty fast when you should still be adorable in his eyes, but hey you’ll get used to his requirements more quickly.
I’m not always convinced it’s as planned as some folk say - as in seeing what you’ll tolerate step by step for example - at least not always consciously- I think it just happens as some guys are very expectant, know they’re the best, love themselves the best, and generally have to escalate their behaviour by default to keep you in line, or maybe just get more comfortable with you and then feel able to do what they always wanted to do in the first place, but knew society didn’t really approve - so they set off trying hard and then the good intentions ran out - I say this as my ex couldn’t plan his way out of a paper bag but was equally an aggressive violent dick - increasingly so as time went on. Bless he loved his mum and helped both parents a bit when they were ill - cos he wanted to and cos no-one is all bad.
Doesn’t matter if it’s planned or not though, and nothing anyone says here seems to resonate with you. It’s so sad - I hope you keep a bit of you, remember who you are and what you like - your fella basically just likes himself and his ways and wants a quietism person around he can kick when he’s in a mood and have sex with when he’s in that mood - but if you can’t see that yet just remember there are people out there to chat with you, support you and family who love you. Take care.

Nith · 27/03/2021 20:06

He blames me for his responses and says I'm bad for his mental health

Honestly, this is absolutely not the conduct of the "loveliest man", and he is not kind and thoughtful as you suggest. He is using the pretence of being nice as a way of manipulating you. Please stop assuming you are the one in the wrong. you aren't.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 27/03/2021 20:12

Jesus OP

Wake the fuck up

He's now starting to get physical and let's be fair, this is just the start

Elieza · 27/03/2021 20:29

He sounds like my ex. Who is bipolar. Lovely person most of the time, kind, thoughtful. But could change in a heartbeat to a complete arsehole - a nasty, shouty bastard. It was always someonelses fault he was like that apparently. Not his.

He got medication from the gp and was a changed man within a month. The anger and hatred that could flare up for no normal reason was gone. He was much nicer. More balanced. Happier.

Whybot · 27/03/2021 20:37

So sorry this is happening to you.Boundary setting in relationships is important. Name calling is not ok. Hope you can let him know the consequences . Hand hold x

Original poster
Namechange7625 · 27/03/2021 20:41

I just tried to speak to him again - about the flicking and that if I irritate him so much I'm bad for his mental health where do we go from here.

He's saying I'm turning round what he was saying yesterday and this is why he gets so frustrated with me. He apologised about the flicking, then when I said about it again he said I'm going on like a dv victim and I'm being wet about it. He started over talking me and just saying the same thing over and over (about me being on another planet) and I've walked off. He's also saying I don't irritate him that much, only twice in the week and yesterday/today. He's saying we've gone over it when he got out the shower earlier and why are we talking about it again as he's explained himself and said he will get help.

I want out now. He doesn't see that he shouldn't talk to me and treat me the way he does. He said I didnt flick you more then 10 times. I feel like if I am wet (ie too sensitive) then why are you with me anyway.

OP posts:
Violinist64 · 27/03/2021 20:44

Red flags are flying everywhere. If he is flicking at you and shouting at you, you know that the next stage will be hitting you. This is not the behaviour of a loving husband and blaming you for HIS actions is wrong on every level. Could you stay with your parents for a time while you take stock of the situation?

Soopertired · 27/03/2021 20:45

Flicking is unacceptable. I beg you to get out. I’m married to a man like this. I literally gasped reading your posts because it’s so similar. My life is now ruined because of this kind of thing. It’s belligerence. It does not stop. Get out. Save yourself.

Biscuitsanddoombar · 27/03/2021 20:46

OP listen to your instincts, you know this isn’t right or normal behaviour.

I couldn’t stay with someone who treated me like this and the worse thing is, he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong and that his behaviour is your fault “look what you made me do!”

Time to go

vdbfamily · 27/03/2021 20:49

OP is there a reason why he is choosing not to treat his ADHD? I have an 18 year old awaiting diagnosis and the most difficult thing for us to live with as a family is her inability to regulate her emotions. She gets so so angry so quickly and it does not least long but she really cannot help herself when it happens..... it is like she is possessed and screaming. I am so hoping she will get help as I think she would be very scary to be in a relationship with at present. Maybe tell him he needs to get proper treatment for the ADHD if your relationship is to stand any chance.

wewereliars · 27/03/2021 20:49

well done OP for seeing things as they are. It's not easy. Flicking you once was once too many without all the other crap.

KatherineJaneway · 27/03/2021 20:51

He honestly is the most loveliest man

No he isn't, he really isn't.

Would you annoy me interrupting my telephone call? Well yes, I'd be pissed off but I wouldn't overreact like he has.

Sorry OP, this is not a healthy relationship Flowers

Anydreamwilldo12 · 27/03/2021 21:13

I'm so sorry OP. This is a horrible situation for you
There was a thread not long ago where a ladies husband would flick her cheek many times to 'show' her what it's like when she irritates him. It was chilling to read.
It seems this may be quite a common trait of an abuser. Its awful!
Hope you fund the strength the leave him. Things will only get worse not better.
He is who he is and you are seeing the real him now.

Chooseausernamenow · 27/03/2021 21:21

The road rage behaviour should have been a significant red flag. You married far too soon.

It’s definitely rude to interrupt someone and jump in on their phone conversation, regardless of whether you know other people that do this.

It sounds though like he’s an absolute bully. His aggressive behaviour is highly likely to escalate, he’s probably still on semi-best behaviour at the moment.

I would seriously consider leaving him. It really doesn’t bode well.

GoWalkabout · 27/03/2021 21:22

Hugs OP. Sending you strength vibes.

Swipe left for the next trending thread