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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I stop irritating my 'd'h

361 replies

Namechange7625 · 27/03/2021 08:33

To sum it all up quickly..

Me and dh got married after 6 months of dating. In all other aspects he is the best person for me and we have a really lovely relationship. He's caring, thoughtful, loving and affectionate.

Dh told me on our 5th/6th date that he gets angry quickly especially when driving but its something he really doesn't like in himself and he has worked hard to not be like that. Just for context he does not threaten to hurt me/punch walls ect and I do not ever feel scared of him. I carried on seeing him and married him and he came across as very laid back in life, apart from when driving.

Now we've been married 3 months and he's not so laid back. Yesterday I irritated him by interrupting his phone call with a suggestion for the issue he was trying to solve. He told me after how much this annoyed him, I apologised and said its habit for me and I will try to not do it again but me and my friends jump in each others phone calls and so does my family, it can happen with work too when a colleague may know of more up to date info. We argued all day, his argument with me was that everyone knows its rude and I'm justifying it, my argument with him was how he went on at me 3 times about it, I finally bit back, he left the room and came back another 3 times to rant at me. I don't like being shouted at or belittled and I don't expect my husband to shout at me over anything really. I wasn't rude, I wasn't disrespectful, I felt blindsided in that we were having a conversation and bam he starts being horrible to me. I had also apologised but apparently it wasn't heartfelt enough...

This blindsiding keeps happening, I really don't understand how having a conversation with no raised voices or attitudes leads to this. He was really angry yesterday and said it was over and that we're not compatible. He then retracted that - but he's threatened to leave me before and after I explained how it made me feel he promised to not do it again. Obviously he just has and couldn't keep that promise. Imo people argue sometimes, it doesn't need to ever get to the level he took it too and if you can threaten to leave me over me interrupting a phone call, then where will you be when we've got a real issue.

I don't like being shouted at, called names or belittled. I also feel like I was fine single before and I'll be fine again but I would like to make my marriage work as apart from this we're really compatible. I feel disconnected from him now, he keeps trying to be nice to me but I feel hurt and not sure if I want to be with someone who gets angry with me when I don't even realising I'm doing anything wrong.

OP posts:
cryh · 27/03/2021 15:58

Oh my goodness, this is not right OP. I think you can do a LOT better, he isn't nice, he isn't perfect. He sounds really nasty to me.

Whatisthisfuckery · 27/03/2021 16:06

OP, it’s not his anger he has a problem with. He feels more than entitled to get angry with you when you irritants him. You know this, he’s already told you exactly this.

The anger he has an issue with is your anger, Again, he’s already been very clear in telling you this. He has already told you that he should be allowed to have a go at you, but you are not allowed to be angry/annoyed upset with the way he treats you.

Does this sound like an equal relationship to you OP? Does it sound equal that he has told you he should be allowed to get angry when you annoy him but you shouldn’t get annoyed when he speaks to you like crap?

OP, you know this is all wrong. You know it, you’re just afraid to act on the knowledge. Trust yourself OP. Your unconscious mind knows this is all very wrong indeed, it’s just your conscious mind that’s trying to second guess. Please have the courage to listen to your gut on this one OP, because the consequences of not are really seriously bad news.

ComDummings · 27/03/2021 16:07

Run like the wind

IsThePopeCatholic · 27/03/2021 16:11

This is a potentially dangerous man. Get out before it’s too late.

Notaroadrunner · 27/03/2021 16:16

Just to clarify a point in your last post - you won't leave, he will leave. It's your house.

Roszie · 27/03/2021 16:23

If you take nothing else from this thread, please know and believe that this isn't your fault. You're not the one causing the problem Thanks

Zachary143 · 27/03/2021 16:27

Please look into seeking legal advice like PP have suggested.

I have been in the same situation as you and I wish someone had given me good advice back then.

NettleTea · 27/03/2021 16:45

also, dont remind him about seeking help. He has said that he will, and I think that you need to see if he follows through, or its simply words to get you back in his box.

but please see a solicitor or someone to know where you stand. Its OK to make a foolish mistake, but its a bigger mistake to stick to it just because you feel foolish. Ive done it and it took too many years and a whole load of grief to disentagle.

And yes, its him who will need to leave. Your home pre-dates him, and at the moment the marriage is really short. Only you can tell if he is serious about changing, but be warned that by mid/late 30s its pretty likely that he is set in his ways and the traits he has will only get stronger, not less.

WallaceinAnderland · 27/03/2021 16:57

OP in a good relationship both of you should be able to state your feelings and opinions. Your gut instinct is right, listen to it.

Original poster
Namechange7625 · 27/03/2021 16:58

@Roszie I know logically you're right, but I'm sat here trying to think about what I've done to cause this. I know he shouldn't shout at me ect but I really do feel that my negative filter and arguing back plays its part in escalating these rows. Then I think about each time he followed me round the house to keep shouting at me, he also came into the kitchen yesterday and was flicking me really hard on my arm saying that I'm annoying like the flicking. Actually that's really not OK and the lines were further crossed. Even if its me that causes him to be like that, its not a healthy place to be in for either of us.

OP posts:
me4real · 27/03/2021 17:03

yes he has unmedicated adhd.
It's not calculated
he doesn't want to be like this.
He isn't able to regulate normal stressors.

Well he should get medicated if that helps him. There are 3 different meds so he might not've tried all of them.

But ADHD might make a flash of temper a bit more likely. It doesn't necessarily cause all the stuff he goes on to do for a long time- the turning it around on you etc etc. It's not unusual for someone with ADHD to also have personality disorder traits (I should know and also it's listed as a frequent co-morbidity on the NHS website.)

Therapy can help people react better to stressors.

I'm sure he does want to be like it because it gets him exactly what he wants; you pussyfooting around trying to do everything his way and not upset him. At the very least there are gains for him from it.

PicsInRed · 27/03/2021 17:04

OP, you should seriously consider a Claire's Law application to find out whether he's been reported to the police before.

category12 · 27/03/2021 17:04

Flicking your arm is a prelude to more physical stuff - he's testing the water to see what you will tolerate.

You really need to put a stop to all this, OP.

billy1966 · 27/03/2021 17:05

So you were assaulted yesterday after he followed you around the house.

Your thinking is completely wrong.

This is NOT what you have done to cause this.

He is an abusive man who believes he can abuse you.

You have been deliberately sucked in by him.

Please please call Women's Aid.

You desperately need support to correct your view of your responsibility in this.

HE needs to get the hell out of YOUR home.

His flicking you is assaulting you.

Flowers
billy1966 · 27/03/2021 17:06

I think doing a Clair's Law search is a very good idea.

Call 101.

The truth is OP you have no idea who he is.

me4real · 27/03/2021 17:06

Then I think about each time he followed me round the house to keep shouting at me, he also came into the kitchen yesterday and was flicking me really hard on my arm saying that I'm annoying like the flicking. Actually that's really not OK and the lines were further crossed. Even if its me that causes him to be like that, its not a healthy place to be in for either of us.

@Namechange7625 Keep remembering all the stuff he's done. Read back over this thread etc, write any other instances out somewhere for yourself or share them on this thread if you like. This is abuse and the flicking was physical, it sometimes starts with stuff like that.

You don't cause him to be like that. Sad xx

category12 · 27/03/2021 17:08

You said you did the Freedom Programme and have been in refuges before - if this was happening to someone else, what would you be saying, OP?

Ihavehadenoughalready · 27/03/2021 17:08

Flicking your arm really hard?

JFC Cut your losses now.

Make an appointment with a solicitor today.

Do not wait for him to seek help. He may do so, but it will (I guarantee you from personal experience) only be for show, so he can later argue to you that he sought help, and "it's still not good enough for you".

It's better to be single than to tiptoe around eggshells and dodge hard flicks on your arm and wonder how "you" caused it. Next time it won't "just" be hard flicks on your arm.

me4real · 27/03/2021 17:11

You could do a Clare's law, but remember not having something show up doesn't mean he's not abusive. Most of them get through life without having anything about them on the system. You have to go by how he acts now.

Also, emotional abuse is grim too, and tends not to get reported/recorded.

I can't remember if you've said, but what do you know about his previous relationships? Has he claimed any of his exes were 'crazy' or 'abusive?'

ElspethFlashman · 27/03/2021 17:13

Been married for a thousand years and never once been flicked on the arm.

Though actually also never followed around the house to berate me for days on end like a dog with a bone.

And Adhd doesn't cause that. I have a DS with it and it causes spontaneous meltdowns, but not this relentless abuse.

And stop talking about your negative filter because not once have you reported saying one thing to him that wasn't entirely reasonable and rational.

He's the one who has escalated a very trivial thing into an endless battle.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/03/2021 17:18

You married an abuser and this is going to get dramatically worse, you haven't even seen the tip of this iceberg. Admit you fucked up marrying him so quickly and get the fuck out of there.

partyatthepalace · 27/03/2021 17:32

You need to finish it OP.

This is supposed to be a honeymoon period, if it’s like this now it will only get worse. He has major anger and aggression issues.

If it’s your house then he needs to go - come up with some plans for temp accommodation for him - tell him to go - then you can sort out the money after.

AnyFucker · 27/03/2021 17:34

Flicking will escalate. He is trying you out to see what he can get away with.

WallaceinAnderland · 27/03/2021 17:38

You did not cause this. You know his behaviour is not right. This is really worrying, you need to leave.

Carbara · 27/03/2021 17:40

Jesus, this is appalling. The abuser will end up making you lose your home if you don’t get rid of him, what a waste of your life.