How do I stop irritating my 'd'h

[Namechange7625]

To sum it all up quickly..

Me and dh got married after 6 months of dating. In all other aspects he is the best person for me and we have a really lovely relationship. He's caring, thoughtful, loving and affectionate.

Dh told me on our 5th/6th date that he gets angry quickly especially when driving but its something he really doesn't like in himself and he has worked hard to not be like that. Just for context he does not threaten to hurt me/punch walls ect and I do not ever feel scared of him. I carried on seeing him and married him and he came across as very laid back in life, apart from when driving.

Now we've been married 3 months and he's not so laid back. Yesterday I irritated him by interrupting his phone call with a suggestion for the issue he was trying to solve. He told me after how much this annoyed him, I apologised and said its habit for me and I will try to not do it again but me and my friends jump in each others phone calls and so does my family, it can happen with work too when a colleague may know of more up to date info. We argued all day, his argument with me was that everyone knows its rude and I'm justifying it, my argument with him was how he went on at me 3 times about it, I finally bit back, he left the room and came back another 3 times to rant at me. I don't like being shouted at or belittled and I don't expect my husband to shout at me over anything really. I wasn't rude, I wasn't disrespectful, I felt blindsided in that we were having a conversation and bam he starts being horrible to me. I had also apologised but apparently it wasn't heartfelt enough...

This blindsiding keeps happening, I really don't understand how having a conversation with no raised voices or attitudes leads to this. He was really angry yesterday and said it was over and that we're not compatible. He then retracted that - but he's threatened to leave me before and after I explained how it made me feel he promised to not do it again. Obviously he just has and couldn't keep that promise. Imo people argue sometimes, it doesn't need to ever get to the level he took it too and if you can threaten to leave me over me interrupting a phone call, then where will you be when we've got a real issue.

I don't like being shouted at, called names or belittled. I also feel like I was fine single before and I'll be fine again but I would like to make my marriage work as apart from this we're really compatible. I feel disconnected from him now, he keeps trying to be nice to me but I feel hurt and not sure if I want to be with someone who gets angry with me when I don't even realising I'm doing anything wrong.

“The truth is OP you have no idea who he is.”

This, OP. The more you post, the clearer it is that this man is a danger to you. DH and I have been together 20+ years. We’ve had some really fierce arguments in our time. He has never told me I’m not allowed to be angry with him. He has never flicked me on the arm to prove a point. He has never followed me round the house to keep an argument going.

The thing about abusive relationships is it’s not about how great things are when you’re getting on well. All relationships are great when you’re getting on well. It’s about how awful they are when you’re not getting on so well. That’s the true test of a long-term relationship: how are things when you’re not getting on so well? With DH, things are a bit meh when we’re not getting on well. In abusive relationships, things are desperately upsetting, quite possibly a bit scary and extremely destabilised.

You sound terrific, OP. You’ve overcome really serious difficulties including having parents who were so shit you had to be taken into care. You’re clearly extremely bright and capable. I bet he saw you and locked on to your many amazing characteristics.

Your background and the absence of healthy relationship models have made you vulnerable to abuse in relationships. Your shark cage is still under-developed. This guy is another abuser. It also makes you more inclined to cling to something which appears to represent security. There’s no security for you with this man.

But your instincts are good. You know this is wrong. You’re asking the wrong question about it but you came here to post because you know it’s wrong.

It’s actually irrelevant why he behaves the way he does. The fact is that he does behave that way and that makes him a danger to you.

You’re in a DV situation so COVID restrictions don’t apply. You refer to having friends and family. Just keep in mind that you can go to one of them or invite one of them to you if that would be helpful. And you can also call the police because domestic violence is a crime.

It will take a little while probably to process this because you wanted guidance on how to stay not how to leave. But you will quickly realise you do need to end the relationship and you need to do so before permanent harm is done (physically, psychologically, emotionally, even financially).

I don't think that you should hold yourself responsible in anyway for his actions. We are human beings - sometimes we make mistakes or we say the wrong thing - it is the way we react when our partner does these things that is important.
You butted into a conversation that you probably shouldn't have, but you apologised and explained and that should be the end of it. His reaction was not OK and the flicking
You are right about one thing though - if you do irritate him so much, just by being you, then this relationship is not a healthy place for either of you.

I haven’t read the whole thread but I too married someone I had known for less than a year. He had what sounds like similar issues. I nearly bailed out after a year of marriage and didn’t. It took another 7 years, I lost so much in that time, including what was left of my child bearing years (thankfully we didn’t have children together).
It gets harder and harder to get out as time passes. If you are having doubts in what should be the honeymoon period I really don’t think it’s going to get better.

I hope his name isn't on the mortgage.

You made a mistake. You thought you were a woman who could make good healthy relationship decisions but you're not.

But you've recognised there's an issue or you wouldn't have posted here. So that's a big step. The next step is to end your marriage.

what I've done to cause this.

You have done nothing to cause this

except marry the wrong person. No biggie, just get him out of your life and you hone

He so does not deserve you.

You may have married quickly but you can if you need to admit that you made a mistake and walk away. Now is the time to think seriously about that.
Do you want to see him speak to you this way in front of children? What do you think they would learn if he did?
Think carefully. Withdraw a bit. Give yourself time to work out exactly what you want and please put your lifetime happiness first over the potential minor embarrassment of admitting a mistake in marrying quickly

Sorry OP I've only just read the whole thread.
The flicking thing alone confirms what I think you know deep down. He is behaving like an abuser. Sounds like you've been through a lot and done a lot of work on yourself. Please don't undermine that work by letting him gaslight you.
If he really is willing to sort himself out then he needs to show it immediately. Or you know you need to go.

He can only keep his mask in place for 6 months. It’s slipped and what you see is what you’ve got. He is as he is. He will never change. There’s NOTHING you can do to stop him behaving this way. Run for the hills. I had a DH like this. He’s an ex now.

This “conversation “ - shouting over you, being aggressive and threatening to leave - happens because you don’t things he doesn't like and you disagree with him.

If you want it to stop then you must aways agree with him and never do anything that has even the slightest possibility of annoying him. So every time you are about to speak or act, you must stop and carefully evaluate it’s potential to upset him.

Of course it’s a delicate balance because you also have to make sure that you appear spontaneous and happy , because he won’t like it to look like he’s controlling you.

Every time and everywhere you are you need to always be thinking of him and how he will feel about everything you do, every choice you make.

That’s how to stop this happening. Or at least reduce it. You will always make mistakes like you did on the phone call.

If that same situation happens again and you tell him later of your idea to fix it, he will probably be angry that you didn’t tell him at the time. So it’s a judgement call every time.

So just live your life very very carefully, make yourself smaller and smaller, have no needs or wants that are not compatible with him. Make sure he’s the focus of your thoughts 24/7. Always put him and his wishes and issues first.

Be very very careful if you decide to have children, babies are not very good at always putting their dads needs first and they are very hard to train.

Or you can decide that you don’t want to live like this for the next 50 years and leave.

This^

Your update about the flicking and following you around the house makes things so much worse than just arguing.

He's not the man for you. Protect yourself and your home (he may threaten to take it away from you if you go for divorce).

Nothing new to add. Just wanted to echo others. He is abusive. This is all a warning he will get worse. It is your house so act fast.

No. No. No. NO.
That final update gave me chills. Flicking you? Whilst also berating you? No. This is an escalation of behaviour, each argument you have he's ramping it up a notch. Get out. Run. This is not going to get better. The fact that you're already saying it's your fault means he's inside your head already and has started breaking you down, he's showing you who he really is, believe him.

Oh dear, the flicking will be a gateway to telling you you are 'oversensitive' or similar if you call him up on it. It's also testing the water to see if he can lay his hands on you without you shutting that bs down instantly.

@Namechange7625

He earns more than me but not by much, we go 50/50 on bills and I do more in terms of house work 60/40 but he buys more food and treats.

I keep thinking about all the comments posters have written today. I really don't want to leave him but I really don't want a life with someone being irritated with me that escalates like this. I was happy before and can be happy again on my own. If I'm being totally honest I'm not leaving him this time, I will give him the chance to go to his GP and sort out his medication and anger management/counselling. I can see it's his low self confidence/anxiety which goes off like anger in him, if he takes steps independent of me to sort it out I will stay, if in a couple of weeks time he hasn't taken steps to help himself then I will leave and look into annulment as it's only been a few months. I really thought I hit the jackpot and had the best husband for me, I was so in love, I'm really sad that it seems to not be working out. I hope he does make changes but I'm not sure he will.

The longer you stay the more claim he'll have on your home.

I know you say he would never hurt you, OP but in all actuality ypu have known him less than a year. I had a partner that I'd dated 8 months. I was serious about him, there was no indication that he wasn't a perfectly normal, loving man. Until I did something to piss him off. I didn't even do anything wrong, just something he didn't like and when I didn't immediately submit to what he wanted, he went through the classic stages you see here and what so many women can probably give you examples of.

First he tried to turn it around on me. How could I not see how wrong I am, its me that is the weird one, I was being unreasonable, no man would put up with this etc etc.

Then he tried pretending to be reasonable. Ok we can work this out, its not your fault babe (I should have ditched him just for calling me babe) can we compromise?

Then when that didn't work he tried apologising and when that didn't work, the mask well and truly dropped and he wound up getting arrested after getting violent.

Up until then I never thought he was violent. I had a thread running on here at the time about what a knobhead he was and I repeatedly said in that thread that he wasn't a violent man. Until he was.

I can link you the thread if you want and you will see I was doing exactly what you are doing. And your husband is doing exactly what he was doing. Its uncanny in a way, the parallels with my own thread and people warning me that he wasn't right.

OP, although you can definitely be a shitty person and be a great, sensible, calm driver, I think you can tell some important things about someone by their driving and their attitude on the road - their temperament, their emotional control, their ability to try and be objective, the way they regard rules, how arrogant they are, how much they're willing to take silly risks, how much value and respect for the lives of other people.....it's never a good sign when someone doesn't do well in that test.

An impatient, irritable, angry character who gets stressed easily is never going to be a good person to have children with so I hope you are not considering that. I don't think this will get better. Most likely it will get worse.

OP, please listen to the people on this thread who are saying that you have ended up in another abusive situation. Do not stay with a man who can't control his anger. His anger is his problem. It is not yours. The flicking thing is the final nail in the coffin.

I know it's hard to leave someone, but you really do need to.

He can control his anger though

Is he going round flicking big burly blokes arms to get a reaction ? No, because if he did he would get his face filled in.

He saves his “anger” for you, and he turns it on and off as he sees fit to control you.

He is escalating. He's testing you. Please be careful. That he is nice most of the time doesn't mean he's not abusing you the rest of the time.

He blames me for his responses and says I'm bad for his mental health.

He won't change because he doesn't think it's his fault. It will always be you that has to 'change' to accomodate him.
In your shoes, I'd take some time out to send the clear message that his behaviour is unacceptable to you. Don't come at this issue as it primarily being about it hurting you-be very clear that it's because you believe that his behaviour is unacceptable.
You could also consider some counselling together, though ideally he should be having individual counselling for anger management. He'shighly unlikely to agree to that though as in his view, he's not to blame....
Don't waste too much time trying to make this marriage work - you clearly don't want to end it yet, but perhaps you should set yourself a time limit of three or six months and then re evaluate whether you need to finish it.

Ludicrous to marry someone after just 6 months!

You can't possibly know ANYONE well enough in that time, also indicates that he possibly knows he's of an abusive nature and wanted to trap you ASAP!

He blames me for his responses and says I'm bad for his mental health 🚨

This is ringing HUGE alarm bells for me - get out ASAP!

I don't want to give up just yet as in everything else is perfect

You're deluding yourself

This early in ANY relationship things can seem "perfect" in many ways he will still be on best behaviour and that's STILL not enough to prevent his temper!

What do you know of his previous relationships? How old are you both? How have his family and friends been with you?

He always wants to be right and when he feels he's in the right about something he goes on and on.

The more you post, the more terrifying your situation sounds

My parents married quickly, at my dads driving and he is abusive in EVERY way possible! He started like this, first turned seriously physical after marriage.

They are now almost 50 years married and my mothers life has been wasted and ruined.

Don't be her

Don't have children with this man at all!

I'd also strongly advise you do a Clare's law search with local police, I think it highly likely he's been abusive in a relationship before

we took things really slow you so clearly didn't

until I said I didnt want to get married and wanted to go travelling ect

You were foolish not to stick to this - let me guess he played a broken hearted romantic martyr? This is EXACTLY what happened with my parents, my mum even had an overseas job lined up

We were really compatible, I felt that our values and morals matched

Also guessing - it was mainly him going "omg me too"?

and said that I was the one who threatened to leave and he only said it after I said it. I know I didnt say it!

That's gaslighting! And a key part of the abusers playbook

DO NOT show him this thread - that could genuinely put you in real physical danger!

Contact women's aid and leave

If you don't LTB you've got a lifetime of this ahead of you

I actually disagree, I think op has a lifetime of FAR WORSE ahead if she doesn't leave, this is just the beginning

Op does he slam doors, throw things, hit walls/doors?

We are definitely NOT having DC, neither of us wants them.

Don't take that as trustworthy. Get yourself on LARC (I'm usually far from a fan but he can't tamper with this)

he gave me plenty of warning this is another example of abusive training

That you've done the freedom programme before etc and yet STILL married 6 months into a new relationship is extremely worrying.

I'm concerned the counselling you've had hasn't been from reputable counsellors or ones experienced and trained in dealing with victims of DA? If that's the case you urgently need to access therapy from an expert in DA and codependency and to be perfectly honest I would say you need to not have any relationship for some time until you have properly worked through your issues.

You are extremely vulnerable and he seems to have known and taken full advantage of that.

You need to leave him ASAP!

The flicking is really telling. He was physically abusing you while gaslighting you saying the pain he is inflicting on you with his finger is akin to what you do when you irritate him. This is all kinds of fucked up. He sounds nasty and his mask is going to slip soon. Listen to the PP who said how driving demeanour tells you a great deal about the person. The most violent person Ioever knew was my own Father. He was so ragey and angry when driving. Listen to all of us, please. You are not incomplete if you do not have a partner. However, you can end up incomplete and destroyed by having an abusive one.

Ps Do NOT show him this thread.