Is anyone waiting until their children are 18 and then leaving?

Countdown99 · 2021-03-26T17:36:55+00:00

If so how are you getting through the years until then? Also please don't reply saying it's not healthy for the children to be raised seeing an unloving marriage etc or that the children will thrive once I've left him. Everyone's situation is different, and I will not risk my children being away from me and alienated against me etc. Only I know my relationship and I have the vast majority of control of the children whilst I'm in this marriage and I feel that is what is best for them.

Original poster

Countdown99 · 26/03/2021 17:39

Also I don't care to be in a relationship so it doesn't appeal to me to leave to find someone else

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Absolutelyscunnered · 26/03/2021 17:44

Hugs 🤗 op, the alienation from dc is something which has kept me from leaving so far too.
I have no idea how I’m going to get through it all until our dc leave for uni/work, I’m not even sure I can. Lockdown restrictions have taken a significant toll on me.

HollowTalk · 26/03/2021 17:46

You might not have to wait until they 18, OP. Once they are in their teens they can decide who they see and might well vote with their feet and not see him at all.

sjfjsnfkdhsbd · 26/03/2021 17:53

Ok. And it's in their best interests to have their safety net destroyed just as they reach adulthood and most need the security of a robust foundation?

This is a parenting website. You can't post about questionable parenting decisions and demand that people have no opinions on it. If you don't want dissenting opinions, don't post.

Original poster

Countdown99 · 26/03/2021 17:53

@Absolutelyscunnered

Hugs 🤗 op, the alienation from dc is something which has kept me from leaving so far too. I have no idea how I’m going to get through it all until our dc leave for uni/work, I’m not even sure I can. Lockdown restrictions have taken a significant toll on me.

Thanks for being so understanding. If it wasn't for the kids I'd be long gone.. But I know how his manipulative mind works and he really and truly will turn them against me and I can't risk it. As resilient as children are, naturally they believe their parents and would never think they could do something so mean and calculated as trying to turn them against their own mother. I just can't risk it but at the same time I'm just not sure how to get through this as the kids are very young

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Original poster

Countdown99 · 26/03/2021 17:54

@HollowTalk

You might not have to wait until they 18, OP. Once they are in their teens they can decide who they see and might well vote with their feet and not see him at all.

This sounds good.. But he's a bit of a Disney Dad and I fear they could even choose him because he's always the "fun one"

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MsTSwift · 26/03/2021 17:56

My best friends family imploded dramatically when she was 18 it had a massive life changing impact in her. Surely better to do in a civil grown up way when they younger and you around to support them?

Original poster

Countdown99 · 26/03/2021 17:57

@sjfjsnfkdhsbd

Ok. And it's in their best interests to have their safety net destroyed just as they reach adulthood and most need the security of a robust foundation?

This is a parenting website. You can't post about questionable parenting decisions and demand that people have no opinions on it. If you don't want dissenting opinions, don't post.

Ok that's fair enough about only wanting specific opinions. They need a safety net whatever age they should be when I get divorced. Parental alienation is real and not recognised by the courts and what good is it leaving them when they're young when their father will actively try to turn them against me and I could then end up with barely any relationship with them?

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Jenthefredo · 26/03/2021 17:57

That was my sisters plan too op.
Sadly, she was suicidal by the time her youngest was 14...
I hope that doesn't happen to you.
Her kids are very damaged by what they saw/experienced and her exh has taken everything.
But she's alive.

Marigold364374 · 26/03/2021 17:58

Hugs 🤗 op, the alienation from dc is something which has kept me from leaving so far too.

This.

I have started another thread 'poor relationships.' I am exactly where you are and have decided to stay put after weeks of agonising. On my post...I have had someone come along and say more or less you should leave but it is not as simple as that.

And...I am very dubious about entering another relationship, so this applies to me too. It's easy for someone to say leave and then put you on a guilt trip because you decide not to. It's taking a wider look at the picture op...I guess this is what you've done too.

No answers really to your original question...how do you get through the years?...but I intend to increase my social circle and just make it the best life I can, creating happy memories with dc and taking care of myself a bit more. Finding happiness where I can and perhaps setting a few goals. Later on, I would love to head off alone (with a dog) in a campervan and watch the surf roll in.

Janaih · 26/03/2021 18:00

My dad did this, but he was frequently mentioned it to me from early teens that he would be leaving then. Made me feel responsible for his unhappiness for many years.
So if this is your plan please brush up your acting skills and pretend you're happy.

Original poster

Countdown99 · 26/03/2021 18:06

@MsTSwift

My best friends family imploded dramatically when she was 18 it had a massive life changing impact in her. Surely better to do in a civil grown up way when they younger and you around to support them?

I just find that hard to believe. The reality of it will be my husband will remarry instantly and I will have to stand by and whack some random woman playing Mommy to my children which I do not believe will be beneficial to them at all. These are their formative years and I need to be there as much as I can. I feel when they're older they can make sense of the situation and at least I will know I did all I could to raise them as best I could regardless of the outcome

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Original poster

Countdown99 · 26/03/2021 18:08

@Jenthefredo

That was my sisters plan too op. Sadly, she was suicidal by the time her youngest was 14... I hope that doesn't happen to you. Her kids are very damaged by what they saw/experienced and her exh has taken everything. But she's alive.

I too hope that isn't the case. I do honestly wonder how long I will be able to hack this for but time will tell I guess. I feel my kids will be damaged no matter what, but I truly feel I will be reducing that by being with them as much as I can for their 18 years

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Marigold364374 · 26/03/2021 18:08

As another poster said...it may not be 18. But my younger dc are still young (not yet teens). And yes, they do then decide a bit more for themselves when they get a bit older. I think I'm trying to establish a bit more of a life for myself too as I have almost zero social life.

Silenceisgolden20 · 26/03/2021 18:10

But he could turn them against you when they're 18.
Please don't wait. Please for your kids don't.

Jenthefredo · 26/03/2021 18:11

So your h has another woman then?

Original poster

Countdown99 · 26/03/2021 18:12

@Marigold364374

Hugs 🤗 op, the alienation from dc is something which has kept me from leaving so far too.

This.

I have started another thread 'poor relationships.' I am exactly where you are and have decided to stay put after weeks of agonising. On my post...I have had someone come along and say more or less you should leave but it is not as simple as that.

And...I am very dubious about entering another relationship, so this applies to me too. It's easy for someone to say leave and then put you on a guilt trip because you decide not to. It's taking a wider look at the picture op...I guess this is what you've done too.

No answers really to your original question...how do you get through the years?...but I intend to increase my social circle and just make it the best life I can, creating happy memories with dc and taking care of myself a bit more. Finding happiness where I can and perhaps setting a few goals. Later on, I would love to head off alone (with a dog) in a campervan and watch the surf roll in.

I will have to check out that thread thanks. I do feel on forums when we post with a brief paragraph, it is so so easy for people to tell others to leave. But I have also read posts from others who regret leaving and that their XH has made their lives a living hell and they can't protect their children and the XH is alienating them etc. It's not a risk I'm willing to take.

Also regarding your plan for the years that's pretty much mine and I think I can actually achieve it. I'm not sure if I'm in fantasy land but if I can make things work how I envision, I think I could potentially live a full and happy life whilst staying in this marriage especially as I don't care for another relationship. Just going to take me some time to get to that place I think.

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MazekeenSmith · 26/03/2021 18:12

How old are your kids?

Silenceisgolden20 · 26/03/2021 18:14

I know you think that's best and I get where you're coming from but there is no magic wand when they reach 18. They dont suddenly stop experiencing trauma.
And then they will have years of childhood trauma as well them wondering why you didnt leave before.
Young adults can be manipulated too, it will damage them further knowing you stayed.

Jenthefredo · 26/03/2021 18:14

I know several women who have ended marriages due to abuse/coercive control/financial abuse/mental abuse.
Its amazing how quickly these pathetic men lose interest in their kids.
If they aren't involved now they aren't likely to turn into dadoftheyear overnight.
My exbil hasn't seen his kids in months.
He has another woman by all accounts.

Original poster

Countdown99 · 26/03/2021 18:15

@Jenthefredo

So your h has another woman then?

Not at all

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Jenthefredo · 26/03/2021 18:15

I'd also point out that 18 is quite an important time in a young person's life...
Higher education, apprenticeship, work...
18 is not the magic number you think I'm afraid and does not mean that trauma is not felt.

Silenceisgolden20 · 26/03/2021 18:16

And you say it's not a risk you're willing to take but what is the risk in staying? Surely that is just as bad?
Your children won't thank you for staying
They really won't.
And I mean that kindly

Jenthefredo · 26/03/2021 18:16

So why would he marry again straight away?

Jenthefredo · 26/03/2021 18:17

I guess I've seen the huge damage "staying for the kids" can do...
My aunt stayed with a violent drunk (until her left her!) And my cousins are very damaged people.