Is anyone waiting until their children are 18 and then leaving?

[Countdown99]

If so how are you getting through the years until then?

Also please don't reply saying it's not healthy for the children to be raised seeing an unloving marriage etc or that the children will thrive once I've left him. Everyone's situation is different, and I will not risk my children being away from me and alienated against me etc. Only I know my relationship and I have the vast majority of control of the children whilst I'm in this marriage and I feel that is what is best for them.

My friend's parents waited until she left home to divorce. She felt so guilty that she was the cause of them living together unhappily for so many years, which is how she saw it, she had a breakdown and lost her hair. 30 years on her hair has never grown back.

I think it's selfish - you're staying for you not them.

How on earth can you call him a good dad?. Women in poor relationships often write that when they themselves can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

You write that he shouts at his children and you are not in love with him. Was that your normal growing up as well from your parents?.

Do you also think that such a man would want to be bothered with let alone see his children post separation?. All he cares about is his own self. Do you really think your kids will have a better life if you two stay together, just how low is your relationship bar here.

@ThatPoster yes, you're right. I have absolutely replicated my parents marriage, I do see that and I do worry that it will continue down the line. But the reality is that my parents staying together, enabled my own private school education, which saw me earning 6 figures by my mid 20's, allowing my own DC to be privately educated. And of course the cycle repeats. I have no idea how to break it, apart from leaving and (in my view) DC suffering for it.

My parents waited until i was 18. My dad was massively shit and told me at the end of my 18th birthday party that they were splitting. Lovely memories. However, i thank them for doing it. My teens weren't the best and i envied friends, but i had one home and always felt sorry for my friends who just did weekends with their Dads , or worse, the ones who had to move around every day. Do it before 10, or after 18. Otherwise i think it's hideous.,

Please don't do this. Please. My parents did the whole staying for the kids thing are managed to do a great act of it, so it destroyed me and my brother when we learned the truth.

@ThatPoster it also interests me that my sister, who obviously had the same experience, is very happily married. She is more sensitive than me, so maybe took my parents eventual split harder than I did and has been more careful not to replicate?

I’d like to remind the players whose parents divorced when they were 18+ that not everyone reacts the way they did. That it hasn’t been the end of the world for everyone.

I’d also like to remind them that parents getting divorced when you are so little can ALSO be life shattering. And that just as much as some children are doing much better with separated parents, many do not.

It’s certainly not as simple as divorce now as it will be easier tha when they will be 18yo

They’ll just look back and wonder what their whole life was about. Was it a lie? You also call him a good dad but say he’s manipulative and will just try to turn the kids against you. A good dad wouldn’t do that. So he can’t be that good

No but a lot of posters have been older and have had a bad experience to share.
Every family is different but the whole staying for the kids when unhappily married is NOT for the best for the kids the majority of the time.
It can be used as a reason not to face up to an unhappy marriage or change. Having the children to focus on becomes the reason and children have no choice in it.

Life is too short and precious Op. As someone said, there will never be a right time. My DSister was going to leave when the kids were 18. But then there was uni and they needed support. And then DSis was diagnosed with a life limiting illness and so she decided it was all too late and she would never be able to cope alone. Carpe diem.

@Countdown99, my take on it is that they are very little and there is a long way off to both of them being 18yo.

At the moment, this seems to be the right answer for you and your dcs. Don’t put in stone and act as if you can’t change your mind now that you’ve taken that decision.
Review the situation regularly and then decide what you think is best. You have and always have the CHOICE. Choice to stay or choice to leave.

My siblings are similar @edwinbear . One happily married, one very unhappily married, and me. Divorced.

You know, we all do our best, or what we believe is our best for our children. I wholeheartedly believe it does not damage our children to get divorced. I really do not believe your children would suffer if you got divorced.

I'm poorer now I'm split up. Today at dinner my daughter (now 18) was saying how privileged they were when they were young and we were married. But there are NO regrets about being the children of a single parent. As I was saying in my PP she was talking about her friend who's parents are staying together so they don't have to sell the house and do split weekends. She is 100% of the opinion that they are wrong. As is her friend. I really don't believe that my children are damaged by the divorce. I do believe I damaged them by prolonging the marriage.

in the OP's case, her children are so young. They would really be much better off if their parents divorced now. I think it gets more difficult for the children the older they are.

I’d like to remind the players whose parents divorced when they were 18+ that not everyone reacts the way they did. That it hasn’t been the end of the world for everyone

I’d also like to remind them that parents getting divorced when you are so little can ALSO be life shattering. And that just as much as some children are doing much better with separated parents, many do not

It’s certainly not as simple as divorce now as it will be easier tha when they will be 18yo

This.

@AttilaTheMeerkat
My dad died when I was 5 so I didn't have a dad growing up.
he had a shouty dad growing up and that's why he is how he is. he knows he's wrong for shouting he does too much, getting up at 430am travelling cross country and arriving home at 7 then taking the dog out. I'm not condoning his behaviour though. it worries me it will be a viscous circle but like I say I've looked at the alternatives and the kids would have a worse lifestyle if we weren't together I can only do what I think is best for them. Everyday life we just tick along ok.

edwinbear

I totally get where you are coming from...private education could be a possibility for one of my dc who might benefit from it due to their educational needs but not if we split. Education is a priority for me. And yes, it is likely that a replication is now happening of parents marriage (but not to such an awful extent). Also, what poppy wrote earlier about happy memories outdoors etc. It is all very well people pointing out all the negatives of remaining but...the whole picture needs to be looked at. We are not functioning in an ideal world. In an ideal world I would be earning a huge or even a half decent salary (I am a sahm with low earning potential) have numerous extended family members who would support me all the way (I have none), have a wonderful social circle (I have one good friend), have unlimited confidence (I have a history of anxiety) due to abuse suffered as a child which no amount of therapy can seem to unravel completely. Is life easier staying put? Absolutely. I feel guilty reading these posts but I shouldn't...I'm doing the best I can. It is often exhausting not being authentic and then trying to provide a happy/stable front and lo and behold it is a selfish thing to do. Having said all this, I am trying to take steps to improve my life.

Is any of these posts helping countdown with your decision making?

Are any of these posts helping not is any of these posts helping?

[quote poppydog3]@AttilaTheMeerkat
My dad died when I was 5 so I didn't have a dad growing up.
he had a shouty dad growing up and that's why he is how he is. he knows he's wrong for shouting he does too much, getting up at 430am travelling cross country and arriving home at 7 then taking the dog out. I'm not condoning his behaviour though. it worries me it will be a viscous circle but like I say I've looked at the alternatives and the kids would have a worse lifestyle if we weren't together I can only do what I think is best for them. Everyday life we just tick along ok. [/quote]
That is so so sad.
What would be worse living separately than having a father shout at you?
Please think the damage this causes children.

@ThatPoster your DD sounds like an absolute credit to you. A well adjusted, sensible, mature, young woman. You must be so very proud of her.

@Marigold364374

edwinbear

I totally get where you are coming from...private education could be a possibility for one of my dc who might benefit from it due to their educational needs but not if we split. Education is a priority for me. And yes, it is likely that a replication is now happening of parents marriage (but not to such an awful extent). Also, what poppy wrote earlier about happy memories outdoors etc. It is all very well people pointing out all the negatives of remaining but...the whole picture needs to be looked at. We are not functioning in an ideal world. In an ideal world I would be earning a huge or even a half decent salary (I am a sahm with low earning potential) have numerous extended family members who would support me all the way (I have none), have a wonderful social circle (I have one good friend), have unlimited confidence (I have a history of anxiety) due to abuse suffered as a child which no amount of therapy can seem to unravel completely. Is life easier staying put? Absolutely. I feel guilty reading these posts but I shouldn't...I'm doing the best I can. It is often exhausting not being authentic and then trying to provide a happy/stable front and lo and behold it is a selfish thing to do. Having said all this, I am trying to take steps to improve my life.

Is any of these posts helping countdown with your decision making?

All my siblings had private education. We all have been effected greatly by our parents staying together. Money does not save you from mental health difficulties.

Stay or go, up to you but don't kid yourself you're staying for your kids benefit when its more likely you've just not got the minerals to leave yet because life is comfortably numb.

My EXDH left almost 3 years ago. Our DC were 16, 19 and 21. It has been awful. There is no good time.

@Marigold364374 please don't feel guilty. If you can tolerate your marriage, you and DC are safe and there are no screaming matches then staying for financial reasons, I personally, believe is valid.

Poppydog

I am very sorry to read about your late father.

re your comment:-

"I'm not condoning his behaviour though. it worries me it will be a viscous circle but like I say I've looked at the alternatives and the kids would have a worse lifestyle if we weren't together I can only do what I think is best for them. Everyday life we just tick along ok".

He shouts at your children and they will in turn think that is what men do (your H had a shouty dad). You in turn have likely become inured to his ill treatment of you as well and now he is starting on your kids. Appeasing or refereeing such men like you've tried to do does not work. He may well know he is wrong but he still continues shouting. He does not shout at his work colleagues or at his mother does he. No its for you people that this shouting of his is aimed primarily at.

All the holidays and days out will not in any way compensate for their life at home with you all under the same roof. Their home is not the sanctuary it should be for them either and by your own admission you are not in love with this man. Would you want your kids as adults to replicate this because they could well do so, you're showing them that currently at least, this is acceptable to you.

You know, we all do our best, or what we believe is our best for our children. I wholeheartedly believe it does not damage our children to get divorced. I really do not believe your children would suffer if you got divorced.

So why is it that so many posters on this thread are saying that they were negatively impacted by their parents divorcing?
Or do you believe that children aren’t affected by somehow young adults are? If that is the case, why is that?
I’m struggling to see how suddenly not being able to see a primary carer as a young child is less of an issue than knowing said primary carers dont get on when you are not living at home anymore and have gained emotional maturity.

I would rather be a positive role model for my children. I tried what you are doing when they were young. The financial stability was also a strong pull. I found it best to move on once the marriage was over. Yes there was game playing, but this was short lived. They soon realised the Disney dad parenting with the new woman "helping". I would hate for one of my children to stay in a similar relationship or even worse to think that they could treat their partner like that. I truly believe children see more than you believe and sacrificing your financial and family stability will set them up better for a happier an healthier life is better than staying in an unhappy marriage