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Original poster

Is anyone waiting until their children are 18 and then leaving?

241 replies

Countdown99 · 26/03/2021 17:36

If so how are you getting through the years until then?

Also please don't reply saying it's not healthy for the children to be raised seeing an unloving marriage etc or that the children will thrive once I've left him. Everyone's situation is different, and I will not risk my children being away from me and alienated against me etc. Only I know my relationship and I have the vast majority of control of the children whilst I'm in this marriage and I feel that is what is best for them.

OP posts:
Standrewsschool · 26/03/2021 18:21

I knew someone who did that. The youngest literally finished his a-levels and she was off. I don’t think she hung around to take him to uni. I did feel sorry for the lad.

Original poster
Countdown99 · 26/03/2021 18:22

@Silenceisgolden20

But he could turn them against you when they're 18. Please don't wait. Please for your kids don't.
Yes he could, but at 18 there won't be anything that states he legally has a right to see them
OP posts:
Jenthefredo · 26/03/2021 18:23

Would he bother?

Original poster
Countdown99 · 26/03/2021 18:25

@Silenceisgolden20

And you say it's not a risk you're willing to take but what is the risk in staying? Surely that is just as bad? Your children won't thank you for staying They really won't. And I mean that kindly
I'm not looking for a thank you. I brought them into the world and it's my job to take care of them, and the only way I can do that is my having 100% access to them which means I need to stay married until they are 18. I am willing to put their happiness far further in front of mine
OP posts:
Original poster
Countdown99 · 26/03/2021 18:27

@Jenthefredo

Would he bother?
Honestly he will. If he wouldn't I'd be rid of him today. But he will purposely try to get as much access as possible and he will ensure he has that access just to make me miserable. I know a lot of men lose interest etc. This is not him
OP posts:
bellagogosdead · 26/03/2021 18:27

I am so sorry to hear you are having a tough time. Whatever you decide to do, if your children are then manipulated by their father I know that will hurt you and them, but it will not be your fault.
Important to remember that I think.

Zancah · 26/03/2021 18:27

@Jenthefredo

So why would he marry again straight away?

I get what the op means, he isn't in a relationship now or cheating but he can't/won't be alone so he'll find someone anyone to wash his socks for him ASAP.
I know the type, my best friends husband swung from relationship to relationship in a matter of weeks his whole adult life. He was with, who would become, his next wife within 6 weeks of my BF chucking him out.
Sadly A LOT of men are incredibly weak willed.

Same4Walls · 26/03/2021 18:27

How old are your children?

I've seen the damage staying for the kids does to the children. I think you're concerns are valid but I don't think you've considered how deep and overpowering the effect can be to the children when the youngest reaches 18 and they all discover their entire chidlhood was built on lies.

Original poster
Countdown99 · 26/03/2021 18:29

@bellagogosdead

I am so sorry to hear you are having a tough time. Whatever you decide to do, if your children are then manipulated by their father I know that will hurt you and them, but it will not be your fault. Important to remember that I think.
Thank you for sharing that. I have thought about this a lot and I am at peace with what is within my control. I can't control what my husband says/does and I can't control what my children believe/perceive. All I can do is try to ensure I am as present as possible for the 18 years and create as much of a safe, loving and stable environment as possible. At 18 when he has no legal grounds to see them, I accept that there is then very little in my control
OP posts:
Jenthefredo · 26/03/2021 18:29

I do feel for you but you seem quite blase about living a miserable life for possibly decades.
And he could leave you (sorry but he could) and do everything you fear anyway...

Jenthefredo · 26/03/2021 18:30

Best of luck to you x

Original poster
Countdown99 · 26/03/2021 18:30

@Zancah You have really and truly hit the nail on the head

OP posts:
Jenthefredo · 26/03/2021 18:31

zancah
Oh yes, I get that but you're making huge assumptions that this fictional woman would want to take on another woman kids...

bellagogosdead · 26/03/2021 18:32

@Jenthefredo

I guess I've seen the huge damage "staying for the kids" can do... My aunt stayed with a violent drunk (until her left her!) And my cousins are very damaged people.
This sounds like you think it was your aunt who somehow caused your cousins to be damaged? Rather than the violent drunk.
Original poster
Countdown99 · 26/03/2021 18:33

@Same4Walls

How old are your children?

I've seen the damage staying for the kids does to the children. I think you're concerns are valid but I don't think you've considered how deep and overpowering the effect can be to the children when the youngest reaches 18 and they all discover their entire chidlhood was built on lies.

I hear of this a lot. My thought is that I don't believe they will think their childhood was built on lies, as they will have been raised in quite a loving and stable environment in many respects. It will be more a case of them understanding that at that point in life their Father and I have decided we are at different points in our life and have decided to part ways. I have no intention of telling them I only stayed for them and that I wanted out all along
OP posts:
May17th · 26/03/2021 18:33

Do you feel your partner wants to actually still be with you?

Deadringer · 26/03/2021 18:34

Yes, i am. My dh and i get on fine, we don't argue, there is no tension or anything like that, but i am not in love with him any more and have just decided that when the dc are grown i would like to be on my own.

Same4Walls · 26/03/2021 18:35

I have no intention of telling them I only stayed for them and that I wanted out all along

You're being incredibly naive to think they won't know that is what happened.

You still have yet to say how old they are. If they are young then yes essentially their entire life is a lie and you cannot predict that they won't feel that way.

Jenthefredo · 26/03/2021 18:35

Yes I do.
She refused to leave because catholics don't get divorced.
Then he left her but not before the damage was done.
I have no time for anyone who puts religion before the welfare of children

Helpiveruinedmyhair · 26/03/2021 18:35

Hi, I know you said you didn’t want anyone to say it’s not a good idea but my dad did this and left when I was 21 and my sister 18 and it frankly ruined our lives we live in constant money fears and cannot see our father now as it has actually alienated my sister against him more than if it was done when we were younger and contact through appropriate channels was possible. I strongly advise against you doing this, I have no idea how to have a loving respectful relationship as I always knew how much my parents hated each other and never learnt better- this has not served me well in my relationships

mummywithtwokidsplusdog · 26/03/2021 18:36

My parents were unhappily married and split when I was older.... there’s never a good time. Loving with unhappy parents is damaging and doesn’t go unnoticed .... I really feel for you as I imagine you feel totally trapped x

Original poster
Countdown99 · 26/03/2021 18:37

@May17th

Do you feel your partner wants to actually still be with you?
Yes he does and as crazy as it sounds, I actually do want him and I to work. I don't hate him or anything. I just think people, life and marriages can be very difficult and I just feel this marriage isn't going to work out sadly
OP posts:
Jenthefredo · 26/03/2021 18:37

they will have been raised in quite a loving and stable environment in many respects

What does that mean???

So not in all respects?

Original poster
Countdown99 · 26/03/2021 18:39

@Deadringer

Yes, i am. My dh and i get on fine, we don't argue, there is no tension or anything like that, but i am not in love with him any more and have just decided that when the dc are grown i would like to be on my own.
Thank you for your reply. Can I ask how you manage the physical side of things? And do you live quite a full and happy life or are you unhappy?
OP posts:
Jenthefredo · 26/03/2021 18:39

Its hard to see the woods for the trees when you are going through it.
Its not healthy to not have affection or respect in a home.
Indifference can be poisonous.

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