Is anyone waiting until their children are 18 and then leaving?

[Countdown99]

If so how are you getting through the years until then?

Also please don't reply saying it's not healthy for the children to be raised seeing an unloving marriage etc or that the children will thrive once I've left him. Everyone's situation is different, and I will not risk my children being away from me and alienated against me etc. Only I know my relationship and I have the vast majority of control of the children whilst I'm in this marriage and I feel that is what is best for them.

My parents split as I turned 18 and it was utterly, completely shit. And followed by a decade of acrimonious fighting between them, which I was fully involved in and arbitrator to because, you know, adult.
So I don’t know how you avoid that but can’t read and not give my perspective.

I don't have any advice other than a personal anecdote. Dh's mum left when he was 21 and his brother 19. They didn't speak to her for a year. So no guarantee that just cos your kids are 19 they will take this plan well.

You know the old saying...

"We make plans and the God's laugh"

I get it because of the whole they are adults won’t need that court shit etc. I felt the same. Then thought fuck this for a game of soldiers I can’t stand another 10 minutes. Eventually left. I get it but not doable mine and kids safety & mental well being was more important than staying with an arsehole

Having been the child of parents who did this, I think my parents are both twats. So you may end being alienated by your kids for not leaving.

Can I just say OP definitely have a think about when you will leave. My parents split up when I was 17 and it had a massive detrimental effect on me. It was right before my mock A levels which I missed due to the stress. Looking back I think I had some sort of breakdown and I stopped going to college for two months. I just about managed to scrape through my A levels. It was an awful time. Looking back they were both miserable for many years and hardly communicated. It was only when I went to friends houses and saw their parents in a happy relationship that I realised my parents relationship was not the norm and they were desperately miserable.

My parents were so absorbed with themselves and their issues when they broke up that they hardly had any consideration for me. Maybe they felt I could cope with it as I was a teenager.

No one explained to me what was happening, where my mum and I would be living and I recall my mum saying she didn't know if she could pay the mortgage when my dad stopped paying. So you see a teenager is that much older but more aware of things around them.

I had several friends whose parents had split up when we were around 9/10 and by the time we were teenagers at key stages in our lives all was fine in their world and they seemed to adapt quite quickly when their parents split. Not the case for me as a teenager at a key stage in my life unfortunately and I wished they had split when I was much younger .

Don't underestimate how staying in a miserable relationship will take its toll on your mental health and outlook long term. Kids pick up on atmospheres and like I said I was around two parents for years who clearly no longer loved or respected each other. That is not healthy as there will come a time when you just may not be able to act as a happy family any longer.

It is your decision obviously. But I just thought I would give you my experience as an older child being in this situation and the negative effect it had on me growing up.

@dotdashdashdash

Having been the child of parents who did this, I think my parents are both twats. So you may end being alienated by your kids for not leaving.

Seen this within my adult friend circle.

It’s very naive to believe children don’t know what’s going on in most cases and once they are adults and can remove themselves from the situation they can see for themselves the impact the adults decisions had on them.

My parents waited until I was 20, my dad had enough and walked out.
I spent the last 8 years of my life trying to find a 'home' because when he left I couldn't live with my mum and moved out 2 months later with a guy I was using to fill the gap. Safe to say that ruined me for a while!
I was a complete mess, even though I knew it was coming. It pretty much felt like I lived in world war 3. My dad loved my mum so much and she didn't reciprocate for over 10 years and the arguments were unreal.
He told me he was waiting until I could stand on my own 2 feet.
Well I couldn't, it broke me and even when I think about it now (I'm 30 this year) it's hard to deal with.

What you think is best for your kids might not be true, my parents thought they were doing what was right and it was wrong.
If they'd have split up and been amicable and civil to eachother with me then it would have been fine.

I really feel for you, it must be the worst thing but really think about it, don't wait too long because you might cause more damage like my parents did.

Countdown99 the physical side of things ended a few years ago, no big row or anything, it just stopped. He doesn't initiate and neither do i, so it doesn't happen. We are an older couple though, in our 50s so i suppose that makes a difference. Funny enough sex was always pretty good, we are well matched drive wise i think, it's not something we ever rowed about. It's hard to explain our relationship, we got together young, never had other partners,
he was always the one that did all the running, he is romantic, good about presents etc, he is very loyal and would never be unfaithful, on paper he is a great husband. But, he is utterly selfish, he always puts himself first, if things don't go his way he can be very snappy, and he just isn't what i want anymore. On a day to day level i don't feel respected or listened to, so i have kinda zoned out, we parent well together, and get along fine superficially.

I know adult children who have taken sides/been turned against one parent after a split. I don't want to share my dc full stop and not have them there - sleeping in their beds. This isn't helped by the fact I haven't really got anything else in life other than dc.

I always remember a conversation with a woman in her 30s. Her parent split as soon as she was 18 and went to uni. The impact on her was immense. She felt responsible that they had stayed together for her when they were unhappy, but also that everything she saw was probably a bit of a lie. So christmases and birthdays weren't as happy as she thought, it really felt to her as if her childhood had been a lie and her relationship with both of her parents suffered because of it.
I'm not saying you should or shouldn't go, but what she told me has stayed with me for a long time. I'd never thought of it from that perspective and seeing as you are in this position, I thought it was worth sharing.

This is what my parents did. It was awful as a teenager, they didn't love each other and it was obvious. The sniping and the arguments when they thought we were asleep. You may think your children are stupid and not notice, they will. They'll know. It'll be awful for them. They probably won't tell you that as they won't want to add to your unhappiness.

If you asked both of my parents now they would tell you that they did an amazing job hiding their feelings from us children and we were blissfully happy. It's easier to pretend to yourself you haven't fucked up your children. The breakup was awful and I didn't go home much from university and had permanently moved out of home by the time I was 20 working in the holidays in my university town (the breakup was the summer before I left for university).

On a day to day level i don't feel respected or listened to, so i have kinda zoned out, we parent well together, and get along fine superficially.

This has happened to me Deadringer. We are an older couple too and I suppose you could say it was husband's selfishness/lack of understanding that initially drove the wedge.

Would you be advising your adult child to remain in such a marriage then?. You are showing them that currently at least, this is still acceptable to you on some level.

Indifference to each other is poisonous and children are not stupid. They do pick up on all the vibes both spoken and unspoken here and worst of all could go onto blame their own selves for their parents marital troubles.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?.

My thought is that I don't believe they will think their childhood was built on lies, as they will have been raised in quite a loving and stable environment in many respects. It will be more a case of them understanding that at that point in life their Father and I have decided we are at different points in our life and have decided to part ways. I have no intention of telling them I only stayed for them and that I wanted out all along

How they can be in such a loving and stable environment when you talk about him being manipulative. If that is the case they will know and they'll feel the tension. You're really not giving your children enough credit if you genuinely think they think you're in a loving marriage.

My friend's parents split during her second year of uni. She was pretty shocked / upset by it and used it as a reason for going off the rails. She fucked up uni and didn't get to graduate.

Friend of mine said the same thing. But then when the kids were 18 and starting uni, dealing with their first adult relationships and having access to alcohol/drugs she felt it would better to wait until they were older and properly settled before divorcing their dad.

Then it became about having enough space for the grandkids to visit and not wanting to downsize to a smaller house in the divorce.

Then just as she was working up to FINALLY leaving this miserable marriage he got cancer and then COVID hit. She is currently having to nurse/care for this man who has made her miserable for decades because she feels she can’t leave him whilst he’s having chemo in a pandemic.

Sometimes there is never a ‘right time’.

I know a man whose mother stayed until he was 18, she and her husband lived separate lives, she went out each night once her was asleep to see her 'boyfriend' just after she split with her husband because their son was 18 and old enough her lover died, she wasted all that time and he ended up a very insecure son, no idea how a normal loving relationship is supposed to last, no experience of seeing a normal loving spontaneous relationship.

Don't think staying for the kids is best for them, not seeing a normal relationship and learning about how adults are supposed act in a loving relationship is much much worse.

My eldest is 18 and he has so much going on his life. Alevels, applying for uni, looking for a job. I think he needs our support now more than ever. The last thing he would need would be his parents splitting up. Do it now while the children have lots of support around them at school etc.

To all those commenting on the impact it has divorcing when the children are 18, surely there is also a huge impact due to divorcing when the children are young also? That could involve a parent having numerous partners coming in and out their lives, the negatives associated with a single mother earning very little and working full time etc. Sadly I think most children of divorced parents do not come out unscathed in some way. My choice is to wait until they're older so I have full access to them for those 18 years

@Countdown99 but if you stay you're setting the example to your children that it is absolutely fine for woman to stay with a manipulative partner. Is that what you want them to think a relationship should look like?

If you're going to stay just don't kid yourself that your children don't know you're not happy and you're giving them a blissful upbringing.

My choice is to wait until they're older so I have full access to them for those 18 years

And you're setting them up for a lifetime of terrible relationships because they will think that is normal. Would you honestly sit back and allow one of your children to stay in an unhappy marriage for potentially almost 2 decades??

I think a lot of women make this choice OP. How long have you got until they are 18

OP my daughters have been telling me about their friends parents who are waiting until they are 18. without fail the kids are all aware of it, they all hate it, and they can't wait to get out.

Is this what you want for your children?

fwiw I did 4 or 5 more years than I should have done. It was awful. And now my children are saying they knew and were waiting for us to split.

I don't know what you want from this thread. But really it is not right for the children for you to stick around until they are 18. And yes, they really do suffer and struggle with it when they are 18.

@Countdown99

To all those commenting on the impact it has divorcing when the children are 18, surely there is also a huge impact due to divorcing when the children are young also? That could involve a parent having numerous partners coming in and out their lives, the negatives associated with a single mother earning very little and working full time etc. Sadly I think most children of divorced parents do not come out unscathed in some way. My choice is to wait until they're older so I have full access to them for those 18 years

So my parents divorced when I was 22, my sister 17 and my younger brother 9. My little brother faired much better than my sister and I. My sister dropped out of school and got in to drugs, got pregnant and ended up living in a caravan heavily pregnant and with social services intervention. I failed a year of uni (I'm now a Dr), drank too much, had waaaay too much unprotected sex and had poor mental health.