Is anyone waiting until their children are 18 and then leaving?

[Countdown99]

If so how are you getting through the years until then?

Also please don't reply saying it's not healthy for the children to be raised seeing an unloving marriage etc or that the children will thrive once I've left him. Everyone's situation is different, and I will not risk my children being away from me and alienated against me etc. Only I know my relationship and I have the vast majority of control of the children whilst I'm in this marriage and I feel that is what is best for them.

I’m so confused so you don’t love him anymore? Is he a good dad and partner to you? Because you seem to be worried and this isn’t really normal fearing loosing your kids.

Is he abusive?

I am OP. DC are 11 and 9, my marriage broke down years ago due to DH's depression which he won't seek help for. There are no arguments at home, DH spends most of his time hiding in his room (separate bedrooms) or sat downstairs, in the dark, staring into space. He was made redundant in Nov 2019 and hasn't been able to find another job, despite applying for well over 500. There has been no intimacy since DD9 was conceived.

I'm (obviously) the breadwinner, I earn a good salary and currently funding the bills and both DC's private school fees - although my life savings will need to be used to top up. If we divorced, I'd have to hand over half those savings and probably pay spousal maintenance, which means DC would have to leave their fantastic school. I'm not prepared to do that. So we'll carry on as we are until they are through school, then I will be out of the door like a shot. DH knows this too.

I made this choice. The relationship has gradually deteriorated more and more over the years until we're constantly bickering and there is zero intimacy or physical affection. My DDs are 20 and 22 now and I'm trying to find the courage to actually leave (it's not always so easy). Both DDs dislike their father due to his controlling ways, constant moaning and occasionally aggressive ways. The younger DD has fortunately found a loving BF who she has been with for several years and they're currently flat hunting. The elder DD has a poor understanding of what a proper relationship should look like and has spent a few years with a waster. I'm just hoping I haven't done either of them lasting damage for staying so long.

@dotdashdashdash I think your right.

At least when parents split when the child’s young they are unaware as they don’t fully understand and they are used it from a young age. Parents been separated.

Life doesn’t go to plan.. and your setting your kids up for total disaster if they cannot handle bad news/situations.

It’s quite obvious to outsiders who’s parents are married, live together but are leading very different lives. This happened to my friend when we were 15 and she took it badly. Even I was aware that her parents were lovely and good parents but an odd match!

@Countdown99 it would help if you let us all know how old your kids are, it would then probably help with the replies to help you.

No. I did it earlier because I'm not sure I would have survived mentally for another 7 years.

My dm was doing this. Until it all imploded and she left in the middle of my GCSEs (not her fault, she stated a red line which my father stepped over, so she had to follow through). Then I lived through him having a series of failed relationships (and gaining and losing step siblings). I thought I was OK but when I look back from 15-18 I was either drinking a lot or seeking comfort in relationships. What I think you lose as a child is your parents 'holding you in mind together'. Childhood memories never get talked about in case it offends the new partner or upsets your parents, and instead of your needs being the priority everything revolves around the new partner. However, I think some parents and step parents manage it much better keeping everyone's needs in mind and it's quite likely that mine is a rather egocentric self teenage perspective, because I was one. We were kind of grateful that they were 'staying together for the kids' partly but they avoided holidays together, argued or cried a lot, and it takes its toll.

@edwinbear

I am OP. DC are 11 and 9, my marriage broke down years ago due to DH's depression which he won't seek help for. There are no arguments at home, DH spends most of his time hiding in his room (separate bedrooms) or sat downstairs, in the dark, staring into space. He was made redundant in Nov 2019 and hasn't been able to find another job, despite applying for well over 500. There has been no intimacy since DD9 was conceived.

I'm (obviously) the breadwinner, I earn a good salary and currently funding the bills and both DC's private school fees - although my life savings will need to be used to top up. If we divorced, I'd have to hand over half those savings and probably pay spousal maintenance, which means DC would have to leave their fantastic school. I'm not prepared to do that. So we'll carry on as we are until they are through school, then I will be out of the door like a shot. DH knows this too.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but how do you feel about when you do leave, your husband getting half of everything? This is one of the things that makes me consider leaving sooner rather than later, because by the time the kids are 18 I will have a substantial amount of assets and income and it will kill me to give half of that away

[quote sausagesandbeanz]@Countdown99 it would help if you let us all know how old your kids are, it would then probably help with the replies to help you. [/quote]
Apologies as this has been asked so many times. The children are 4 and 3. I have a hell of a long way to go I know

@Same4Walls

I have no intention of telling them I only stayed for them and that I wanted out all along

You're being incredibly naive to think they won't know that is what happened.

You still have yet to say how old they are. If they are young then yes essentially their entire life is a lie and you cannot predict that they won't feel that way.

This //\

I suspect your children are probably late primary / early secondary age
? Although happy to be corrected. Why do you want them to spend potentially another 10 years in this messed up situation?

Apologies as this has been asked so many times. The children are 4 and 3. I have a hell of a long way to go I know

Goodness me, I crossed posted and didn't see this update. OP your children are young enough to adapt to a new normal. Please don't fuck them up for life by making them live in this shitty situation for another 14 / 15 years!!

OP as someone who's parents split when I was in my early 30's I can tell you now...it shattered my world. I felt like my life had been a lie. I felt like I had no family, no foundation, no where to call home. I lost trust in EVERYONE. It took a year of counseling and a lot of time for me to heal. Splitting when they are 18 will be no easier for anyone!! TRUST me!

4 and 3?!!!!

Please listen to the poster's whose parents split at 18.

Sitting tight with a plan to blow up the marriage at 18 just shifts the shit on to other events for your kids. Uni years - miserable shuttling between my parents’ homes every Christmas and during the holidays, those homes being new ones to the one I grew up in. Graduation ceremony - hideously stressful with my parents sniping about each other whenever the other was out of earshot, graduation night restaurant dinner felt like a death row last supper. I didn’t invite one of my parents to my wedding because they couldn’t be trusted not to pick a fight and ruin the whole day. Mine and my sibling’s teens were grim. We knew our parents’ marriage was imploding and the tension was a constant backdrop to every weekend, holiday, Christmas. Ugh. Ask yourself, really ask yourself if you can mask your feelings for all that time. I don’t thank my parents for staying together for the us.

OMG OP, 4 and 3?!

I had children ranging from 2-15 when I split with their father. The younger ones have fared much better. Honestly it's far far better for them (and it is them you should be thinking of) if you do it sooner.

And you are seriously thinking of waiting 14 more years? Life is just too short. It really is.

@Countdown99

Thank you, I'm going to be honest. You've seen my reply about my experience which some people have had similar experiences, not everyone will BUT from another side...

My DP split up with his ex when his DS was 2 and DD was 1, I met him when they were 7 and 5 respectively, they still got the hump when they had to go back and forth and she cried like hell when she had to leave her dad to go back to her mum BUT once it was explained to them (because I don't think it ever was) they started to understand. And last week his son even sat and said 'I'm glad you and mummy split up because I would never have met X (me) and X (her DP) and they're both really nice).

Sometimes, leaving is for the best of the children. It will be difficult for the parents but only as difficult as you guys make it.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do 😊

4 and 3!!!

Please don't fuck them up for life by making them live in this shitty situation for another 14 / 15 years!!

This sums it up, seriously OP just leave.

Children are 4 and 3! And you’re contemplating waiting 15 years before splitting! Why wait. You’ll do everyone a disservice by waiting. Don’t waste your life. Start the new life for you and your kids now. I assumed your kids were fifteen years plus.

Of course I don't mind you asking! By the time the DC have finished school, most of my savings will have been spent on school fees. So I won't be handing over £££ which I would be very resentful of doing now - especially at the expense of DC's education. We have a decent chunk of equity in the house which should, and will, be split 50/50 and enable us both to buy a smaller house, mortgage free. DH is older than me (53 vs 45), by the time we split, he will have a very good, final salary pension kick in, which means I won't have to pay him spousal maintenance. I won't make a claim on his pension as I feel it would be unfair, as I will still be working. By not claiming on his pension, I hope we can agree I will retain whatever savings I do have left.

DH and I are separating with dc aged 14 and 12 (agreed 18 months ago and told dc but Covid has sculpted some logistics). We thought about leaving it until they were 18/21 but it just felt a lifetime away to be unhappy. No huge arguments etc but not a great environment to bring up impressionable teens.

We shall have separate houses soon and the dc are accepting of the situation and understand why.

Please don't consign yourself to such a long period of unhappiness. You only have one life.

@Countdown99

To all those commenting on the impact it has divorcing when the children are 18, surely there is also a huge impact due to divorcing when the children are young also? That could involve a parent having numerous partners coming in and out their lives, the negatives associated with a single mother earning very little and working full time etc. Sadly I think most children of divorced parents do not come out unscathed in some way. My choice is to wait until they're older so I have full access to them for those 18 years

But you're only thinking of yourself. You're not staying for your children, you're staying for you. Please listen to the replies

Also OP, you are getting a very hard time here. To provide some balance, my own parents had an unhappy marriage, they stayed together for my sister and I. It was not abusive in any way, we were loved, provided and cared for, but they didn't much like each other. They did exactly what you and I propose, and split when I was early 30's, my sister late 20's. Dad actually had any affair with someone he met on Friends Reunited, and left Mum for her.

Of course it was upsetting, but by that point we were no longer at home, understood they didn't like each other and that they'd stayed together for us. I respect them both for that and am grateful I never had to do the weekend shuffle.

mine are only little, I don't really know whether we will stay together once the kids are 18, he's a good dad he works so hard and he does a lot for us, the kids love him to bits but I am not in love with him, he has a short temper and shouts a lot, at the kids mainly, he struggles to cope with any stress, thinks I am getting at him when just making conversation ect. But if I were to leave him I would struggle for money, so would he, I've worked it all out many times before, the kids would still see him and get shouted at but I wouldn't be there to sort the situation out. We go on lots of days out, camping, walks to different places, fun outdoor activities ( we thrive as a family out and about) but if we weren't together I wouldn't be able to afford any of this, he could still take them camping but I wouldn't be able to experience it with them. he is the fun one. I wouldn't take them places on my own. I've summed it up all before. I've come to the conclusion that they have a better life with us together.

"And now my children are saying they knew and were waiting for us to split."

It's easy to say that with hindsight though isn't it. I was always scared my parents would divorce. I remained scared of it until about my late twenties even though I lived very far away! They're still together now.

@edwinbear

Also OP, you are getting a very hard time here. To provide some balance, my own parents had an unhappy marriage, they stayed together for my sister and I. It was not abusive in any way, we were loved, provided and cared for, but they didn't much like each other. They did exactly what you and I propose, and split when I was early 30's, my sister late 20's. Dad actually had any affair with someone he met on Friends Reunited, and left Mum for her.

Of course it was upsetting, but by that point we were no longer at home, understood they didn't like each other and that they'd stayed together for us. I respect them both for that and am grateful I never had to do the weekend shuffle.

But you have completely repeated your parents' relationship as an adult. Can't you see that? And what does that mean for your children?

I have had a lot of counselling over the last few years OP. I have learned that the children learn all they know about relationships from you and your H. This will impact them more as they get older, as they spend more years with you. However civil you think you are, is this really the model that you want your children to base their future relationships on?

my experience (both mine, my children's and my friends) is that children do fare better if they are younger. Sure, you don't want to share them with your ex. But that's about you, not them. Maybe you need to put them first.