Is anyone waiting until their children are 18 and then leaving?

[Countdown99]

If so how are you getting through the years until then?

Also please don't reply saying it's not healthy for the children to be raised seeing an unloving marriage etc or that the children will thrive once I've left him. Everyone's situation is different, and I will not risk my children being away from me and alienated against me etc. Only I know my relationship and I have the vast majority of control of the children whilst I'm in this marriage and I feel that is what is best for them.

somethingonthecarpet so better that the children think you condone those things by remaining with him? Or worse, that they know you disapprove, but are too gutless to do anything about it?

OP Invariably you will get people posting on these threads who feel strongly one way or the other due to their own experiences. What you won’t get are the majority who have some experience but don’t feel strongly.

A quick Google shows relatively high numbers of couples divorce after their kids have left home. I can’t believe the majority of the adult children of those couples are emotionally scarred. I also can’t believe they were all perfect marriages that suddenly fell apart i.e. a fair proportion of them were just staying together for the kids.

Do what you need to do to keep your children and yourself safe. Trust your judgement.

Who are those parents who actually say within earshot of their dcs that the only reason they stay or stayed together is BECAUSE of the dcs.

I remember my parents having many arguments when I was a teen (incl my father probably having an affair). They stayed together. And I’m pretty sure one reason was that my mum was convinced separated parents was worse for children.
I know all that NOW because I know her and her beliefs. At the time, I was never aware of it. Just that things were very tense.

Thank you for all the replies. I'm contemplating leaving once I've got my ducks in a row. My mental health just cannot survive this, and I am so fatigued, drained and exhausted by my marriage that I am not being the best parent to my children anyway. I am spending so much time researching how to manage his behaviour that I am not present in life, and life is passing me by very very quickly. I'm thinking that at least when I don't have to live with him, I will have some peace and quiet within the home and can recharge and start focusing on me instead of how to deal with his silent treatment and criticism etc. But I'm under no illusion that I'm going to be trading my current problems for a whole host of other ones when we separate and I feel sick at the thought of those. In honesty just having to relinquish control when it comes to the children is going to devastate me.. He just does not love them the way I do and I fear for what he will say and do to them and don't even start me on some other woman playing Mommy to my kids. I just hope I don't regret this

@Countdown99

Thank you for all the replies. I'm contemplating leaving once I've got my ducks in a row. My mental health just cannot survive this, and I am so fatigued, drained and exhausted by my marriage that I am not being the best parent to my children anyway. I am spending so much time researching how to manage his behaviour that I am not present in life, and life is passing me by very very quickly. I'm thinking that at least when I don't have to live with him, I will have some peace and quiet within the home and can recharge and start focusing on me instead of how to deal with his silent treatment and criticism etc. But I'm under no illusion that I'm going to be trading my current problems for a whole host of other ones when we separate and I feel sick at the thought of those. In honesty just having to relinquish control when it comes to the children is going to devastate me.. He just does not love them the way I do and I fear for what he will say and do to them and don't even start me on some other woman playing Mommy to my kids. I just hope I don't regret this

OP as you recognise, how you are living now is no way to live, you deserve better as well as your children. I know you want to put them first and do what is best for them, but removing them from that environment and also being happier yourself will be the best thing for them. It is a huge leap of faith, but one that sounds like it's worth taking. I was very much the same when me and my ex split, I was terrified for the same reasons, but one step at a time. Is there anyone in real life who can give you some support and a hand hold?

What I am getting from OPs posts is a real sense of her need for control.

She's controlling this thread by telling us from the outset what she doesn't want to hear from our responses. She didn't disclose the age of her kids immediately as I suspect she knew a lot would tell her they are young enough etc.

Then there's the control of this situation - you've got it all planned out - how everyone's going to behave and how everyone's going to react and it'll all be when you say so.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be mean, but it's the sense I get from what you've written. My assumption is your need to control comes from the treatment of you by your husband. You're trying to out control him almost.

My ex-MIL is controlling and manipulative, I can see it comes from a place of love, but it's overbearing, disingenuous at times and she's over stepped the mark regularly. My exH has learned from his parents that his father can pretty much do as he pleases and she'll just put up with it.

As a result, he has been really shocked to find that I will not tolerate his behaviour and we are separating.

My parents are separated (I was a teenager) and there was always a sense between us that he was more normal than me because he was from a together family. But actually, as I have more distance from them I see how messed up they are, and he is. And I'm the one who seems to be emerging from this intact and... in control.

And by in control I mean: my feelings. My life. I can't control him and how behaves, but I can control how I react to it. I can't control his relationship with the kids, but I can control how I run my home and how I am with the kids when they're with me.

When kids are 3 and 4 they don't have strong opinions beyond dinner (obvs they do but you get what I'm saying). So the bubble you curate for them now, they will start to push the boundaries on, they will start to question, they may start to dislike. That's really normal, but i think you need to be real about how this situation will play out in the years to come when they are less grateful, more astute and less forgiving.

@Littlesthobo84

Better than them living with him 50% of the time without me Nerr

Sorry, me again.

I came to realise that they'd have me physically 100% of the time, but I was already starting to feel like a hollowed out version of myself after a few months of attempting to make it work.

We have a 60/40 split and when they're with me, they have an authentic, relaxed, happy mum and I honestly believe that the are more settled and happy now too. My 8yo had anxiety issues which seems to have abated for now, and that's since ExH moved out.

Febo24 that’s how I feel, here in body but not in soul. I’m ok when it’s just me and the dc, but as soon as DH is here too I feel sort of on guard. I don’t know why. I’m not relaxed.
However it’s not always been this bad, I want to check back in and I don’t know how to. I want to go on holiday with my family and for days together and special occasions and yet when they actually happen - prior to lockdown - I don’t feel present in them. I don’t feel any joy or happiness about anything.
On the other hand upsetting the dc and DH massively doesn’t sit well with me either. DH has just told me he had a dream last night that I left him and when he woke he was really upset and he doesn’t know what he’d do without me.
I can’t really understand this as currently I don’t see what he’s getting from the relationship either.

I'm so sorry you're feeling that away.

My first thought is you maybe tell him that you're not happy and you don't know why and that you consider counselling as an individual and a couple. Things won't magically get better without there being some uncomfortable truths first.

OP I actually didn't see your update so apologies. I can really see where you're coming from, and that the stiff upper lip sounds like a good compromise for now, but if you're exhausted now.... how will it feel in 15 years time? Perhaps you reframe it, perhaps you start working towards unpacking what the issues are, what path you see out of this in the least messy way possible and establishing your bottom line in terms of behaviour from him and your kids potential new routine. I know my situation is different because my ex is working with me to make this as good as it possibly can be, I have been careful to ensure we're clear on boundaries and gave some ground rules around behaviour and how we deal with the kids and our relationship.

Kids are very smart. Even if he slags you off the kids will know the real truth about who loves them, who protects them and who will always put them first.

I'm really sorry, it sounds like a truly shit situation you've got there.

Of course you don't really know how things will pan out over time. But at the moment it sounds as though you're not really able to be fully present for your kids as you are so exhausted by the relationship. At least if you separated, you'd have more to offer them.

Good luck OP! X

Years ago a friend's parents separated as soon as she became 18.

She was devastated that they'd stayed together for her sake. She'd had to endure living with them in an unhappy home.

This also affected her judgement about relationships in later life (ie was her husband staying with her because of the kids).

Get out now for your sake and the sake of the kids!

Definitely this by @AttilaTheMeerkat :
"Having two parents successfully move forward with their lives teaches an invaluable lesson: that we deserve to be happy and to feel loved. Conversely, remaining in relationships that perpetuate anger, devaluation, and lack of positive interactions leaves an indelible scar on children."
The saddest comments on here are the poster who thinks private schools and money are a good enough reason to replicate their parents' shit relationship and put their children through the same. Such a waste. (even more so given all the recent rape and abuse allegations in many private schools!)

@Dilemma8188, I agree with with you Attila.

But I feel that I have to point out that it is based on the assumption that the two parents will sucessfully move foward with their lives.
It is also minimizing the impact that moving from an affluent lifestyle (such as private school) to one with little means (eg living in a much roiugher area and going to a rougher school) will have on the children.

When children are really little, they might not remember or compare. But I think that such a change will be extremely visible to older children, let alone teens and could also have a profound effect on them. And its not just not being able to go on hols every year.

Fwiw, rape and abuse exist in every school, not just private school. You just have to read therads on here to know that. It was a very low attack imo and not needed if you think you have such a strong point.

Slightly different perspective here. My parents have been together for over 40 years. They really shouldn't have married. They are still together despite clearly being unhappy. I wanted them to split up from the age of 10, but they never did and they never will. I have no respect for them because they didn't have the balls to get a divorce. Terrible modelling of relationships to me.