Husband had an affair

[BrokenBella]

I can’t believe I am writing this but I really need some help. 5 weeks ago I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair with a colleague. No sex. But intimate kissing and real emotional connection. They have both said they love each other. She tried to break it off and my husband chased her and bought her expensive gifts to the value of £600!!

DDay was the worst day of my life (followed by many more unbearable days) I was completely blindsided. I though we were happy - yes this year has been tough juggling 2 jobs and 2 kids during a pandemic. But we are a team. We don’t fight, we don’t argue, we have good conversation and a good sex life.

We have been together 17 years, married for 7, childhood sweethearts. We have two gorgeous children aged 9 and 4. A beautiful home and a good life. We are in the best financial position we have ever been in and don’t really have many money worries.

So I really can’t get my head around it. He says he never went looking for it. It was a friendship that crossed a line. He has admitted he loves her and he ‘hates’ himself for it. He said he wants to work at our marriage, he still loves me and the life we have built together. I believed him. Let him back home after 10 days and we had a good couple weeks together. We were laughing an joking, intimate, making plans for the future and working through the rollercoaster of emotions we are currently going through.

But he has just admitted he is struggling with what he has done. He still has feelings for her and he needs some space to think. I am crushed.

I have been heartbroken but so reasonable and I now feel he has taken my kindness for weakness. He is now at his parents trying to get his head right. Even now he says he loves me and doesn’t want this to be the end. But I’m now starting to think that I can’t live with a man knowing he loves somebody else. It’s torture.

I desperately want to believe that he won’t walk away from me and our family. But in his eyes I see he is tortured. And my gut is telling me he has already checked out of our marriage but is just too afraid to say it.

Am I kidding myself at the thought of reconciliation here. I am making myself ill with the stress of if all. 😭

He will absolutely regret what’s hes done. He’ll realise it was a silly school boy infatuation and try to come back to you in time. Well he can try!! But by then he won’t even recognise you. Each day you are slowly building back your self worth and the new version of you, brick by brick. And the new you is already amazing! Keep going op, you’re doing marvellously, brick by brick ok 💐💐💐

Thinking of you @BrokenBella

Well he's well and truly burnt his bridges hasn't he.
Lets hope he doesn't live to regret it. I'm sure he will, once the shine wears off, at least you know what 'type' of man he is....

A weak, deluded fool, who has no backbone, no loyalty to his own children and a basic lack of understanding that when this infatuation wears off he will be back to square one, having to actually try at his relationship, with the added burden of knowing he is a grade A cunt.

It will hit him eventually, I know it's so painful but believe me he is going to hurt in the future. So take really good care of yourself, accept any help going, get back to your family and if you divorce don't tell his family anything even his sister who sounds all upset.

Sending hugs

Take care, I'm sure there will be a better 'type' of man out there for you one day and it will be created with innocence and morality and by beggining with honesty. A much firmer foundation.

@BrokenBella He actually told her that “he’s met someone else and he’s in love with her, although at the moment they are not in a relationship but he believes the way he feels for her was worth breaking up our family”

I hate him too. And I hope it all goes Pete Tong for him, that you come out of it smelling of roses, that the other woman dumps his sorry ass so he looks a fool at work and by then you will tell him to jog on when he wants to crawl back. He's pathetic.

Keep the childrens' relationship with him on good terms, keep amicable with him for the sake of the children and financial/practical reasons and realise you are worth more than a fool like him.

@BrokenBella

Stay strong. For the children and for yourself.

It’s people like you that keep this world turning.....

Good, loyal wife, great Mum, hard worker and brilliant human being.

Everybody on your thread thinks you are special.

You ARE special !!!!

That’s your mantra

Tell yourself morning, noon and night.....

Believe

Wow so sorry OP. You did the right thing though. It’s going to hurt for a while but I promise you’ll come out of this with huge relief. Look after yourself. Take care. Surround yourself with support and make sure you have regular time for yourself and to plan a new life. I doubt things will work out with this OW. It’s infatuation and pathetic. But don’t dwell on that. Look forward to your new future

And so I now know, without a doubt that he is seeing the OW and sleeping with her. And while I know that it is over with us. It still hurts so much.

I hate that I am in so much pain. And he swans in to pick up the kids looking like he’s not got a care in the world. Casually asking “are you ok?” I honestly don’t recognise him anymore.

It’s not fair. And I hate him for it. I’m trying to take the high road. Not show him my pain. Be amicable. But it is so so so hard!!!! I need to learn a better poker face.

People who have affairs are the lowest of the low. And either they don’t realise the immense damage they do to their betrayed other half. Or they just don’t care.

They are the lowest of the low.

You will get through this, and you will smile again. 🌺

Just reading your thread now. You are doing so well, you will get through this and meet someone much better come time. How old is your exh?

I get where your coming from my wife does the same thing, going about as if everything is normal and talks to me like it’s all good it drives me nuts, I don’t know who she is anymore.

Look after yourself and try and maintain minimal contact if you can, it hurts really bad and you will literally grieve the relationship and future you’ve lost. As people say it takes time but you will get there.

I’ve just read the thread. You’re doing amazing - getting rid and valuing yourself more than he did.
You’ll come through it and will be stronger. It’s likely one day he’ll regret what he has done and you’ll be getting the best revenge - living an amazing life.

It’s going to hurt for some time yet - you will go through various emotions but there will come a moment when you will start to count your blessings. Hard as that may seem now. Take each day as it comes for now and keep posting back here for support Are you eating and sleeping ok? And agree with others - it will hit him hard one day what he has lost and the hurt he has caused. This is all his massive loss - he’s losing his family after all. By that point you’ll be much stronger and continue to hold your head high with integrity which he clearly lacks. No loss for you OP

Wow

So gutted for you. You must be in a tail spin. And he swans in asking ‘ Are you O.K. !? ‘

How absolutely unbelievably cruel. He’s certainly not tortured now, is he !?

Getting his new and exciting jollies. But it won’t last, it rarely does. When reality bites, and your legal and financial demands are sent to him from your SHL, the smile will be wiped off his face.

When you tell him you want to keep the house, and you want his stuff gone, pronto, his new found light and airy mood will soon evaporate.

You are going through Hell and hurt. You may find this hard to believe, but it WILL pass.

His honeymoon period won’t last. Mark my words.

Focus on the children. They must be terribly hurt and confused. Focus on yourself and love yourself.

Yes he may be on cloud nine at the moment and this will derail you.
His happiness will devastate you, I'm not saying this to upset you but to warn you to try and divert your energy into taking the bastard to the cleaners.
He will be so cock sure of himself and see that you are hurt, he will try to use that to pull the wool over your eyes. Your distress will be his gain in getting ahead financially. Remember he wants as much as he can get for his new life.

Get help, ask family to get all the info you need to get your ducks in a row. You will be tired and dejected, dont tell him a thing, he is a stranger now.
Do it now, burst his bubble, you didn't deserve this, he's already ahead of the game, act swiftly.
Get angry, acting nonchalantly asking if you're ok, well that's going to change, how fucking dare he.

People who have affairs are the lowest of the low

I agree, they are usually self absorbed and emotionally immature. OW is only 26 and hasn't got a clue who she has hooked up with. She will naively think she is special but she isn't...she was just there at the right time when this weak man crossed her path.

It is devastating to learn that your partner (who you thought you knew) is an weak selfish idiot however don't blame yourself, he is soley responsible.

Ime, the people who have affairs have emotional issues that they refuse to deal maturely. Instead they seek adoration and excitement with a new person. It is escapism...however they usually make their lives worse, in the long run, as they lose contact with children, respect from family and financial stability.

You are spot on though....to justify what he has done he will need to paint you as the baddie. If he walked from his loyal wife and children without a good reason then that makes him a selfish git so he has to justify his actions.

It will take time to recover.. sometimes a few years so just take each day as it comes.

The cleaners are working flat out. So many bastards being taken there, and rightfully so.

Thank you all for your kind words and support!

I’m now at the point where I am really struggling to accept what has happened. 1 step forwards, 2 steps back. When does the unexpected crying, self pity and crying yourself to sleep stop! I am worried that I’m slipping into a bit of a depressive state over it all. I can’t stop my mind from wandering and thinking of the two of them together, happy, sh***g, and meanwhile I’m at home with the kids, trying my best to function and crying myself to sleep.

I want to feel fire and hate towards him. I feel that would help my to accept it and start moving on. But right now it’s just overwhelming sadness and fear for the future I can no longer picture!

In my head I know he is an absolute c* for what he did. But my heart is struggling to accept it and move on. I feel like I want to take back control of my thoughts but I don’t now how!

I need some hard truths! I need to find my fire!

You sound amazing OP and like an incredible mother. Your children will know the truth a put their dad one day, see where his priorities lay and think he’s pathetic. I was them as a child, and that is how I feel now.

The OW has hardly got herself a prize has she? She’ll be constantly wondering if she can trust him (because she can’t) and looking over her shoulder for the next OW. Men like him don’t change and only pathetic women would look twice at a man who can do what he has done. You shouldn’t envy her, pity her instead. You will come back stronger and wonder what you ever saw in him. One day at a time.

Don’t be so hard on yourself OP. You are going through grief - you will feel a mix of emotions, sadness, anger etc. It will feel like a rollercoaster - up and down. It sounds like you’re at the stage where you need to take good care of yourself, cry if and when you need to, and take each day as it comes. Make sure you are getting support in real life too. You need time away from the kids too - even an afternoon or evening to just be on your own, have a bath, or watch a movie, or enjoy a glass of wine with a friend. Self care and preservation. The anger will come. Then acceptance. And one day you will realise you feel nothing but pity for them - and especially for what he has lost, his family. For now, look after yourself and make sure you’re eating and sleeping well, and have time to yourself. The rest will follow

@BrokenBella as above don't be so hard on yourself because everything your feeling is normal. Your emotions will swing from one extreme to the other and all the way around again, its normally and you should allow yourself to go through the process.

I totally get where you are coming from and the unfairness of it all is just... crap. I mean how is it they get to have this "happiness" and "fun" while your left devastated right? but remember that only what you think is happening, try not to put your focus on them and instead look after yourself.

Listen this is a trauma and its hard, its hard to accept the reality, I am sure your maybe still thinking this could blow over and he will realise what hes done because he loves you right? and maybe that will happen and maybe not which is why you put your focus on you and do things that make you feel better. We're all here with you, some have been through it and some are going through it right now like myself and it does start getting better.

Well isn't he a treat?

Seriously it doesn't seem like it but you are better off without him. It's all a stupid honeymoon period. I was chatting to a (male) friend over the weekend whose mate (who I know and who is a tad weird) went off with another woman who was 21, he is 38. He left his wife who is 34 for this girl who is a teaching assistant at the school he works at. He was calling our mutual friend and saying "I am deliriously happy with my new partner" and "I've not had so much sex in my life". My friend says he was like a kid. This won't last, and neither will your ratbag twonk of an estranged husband's delirium. And laugh at him when it does. Don't feel sorry for him. Your only job is to keep it amicable in relation to the children and look after Bella who comes first!!!

My goodness
Imagine being 21 and going off with a nearly 40 year old man 🤢
These men are so deluded and it’s beyond sad they sacrifice their families for a fling

You need help, how much support do you have?

You must rest as much as possible op, this is an assault on your body and mind, it is grief.

Cry as much as you want, scream, get it out whatever way you can, but try to get on board help.

Keep posting
We are thinking of you.
xx

Dear OP, I've only just come across your story. My advice would be to keep communication and contact with your ex to a minimum. Don't tell him anything, even when he asks if you're ok you don't have to reply. Be careful with his sister, family change allegiance very quickly so keep your cards close to your chest.

People love other folk's drama, be careful who you tell. Don't drink alone and don't drink and text.

I was told the shock of betrayal can take 5 years to full recover from s be kind to yourself and don't expect a quick recovery. If he had died you'd expect to grieve for this long.

Good luck, you'll get through this, just be gentle on yourself.

@BrokenBella

With regards to the Ops last post. This is the reality when one partner, who is a loving, giving, committed partner is cheated on. It’s just pure, riven heart ache. A total heart and head fuck.

Trying to summon up Amazonian reserves of strength to keep parenting the children, shielding them from heart ache and keeping the home running. It’s soul sapping.

Then collapsing into bed in floods of tears.

It will pass. It will get better. But it will take a while and heartbreakingly so......

All I can say is take things hour by hour, day by day, love your children, draw strength from them and sleep lots......

You are on the downward slope of the rollercoaster while he’s on the up, enjoying the ride, but it won’t last. And your time for exhilaration will come.

Bless.