Husband had an affair

[BrokenBella]

I can’t believe I am writing this but I really need some help. 5 weeks ago I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair with a colleague. No sex. But intimate kissing and real emotional connection. They have both said they love each other. She tried to break it off and my husband chased her and bought her expensive gifts to the value of £600!!

DDay was the worst day of my life (followed by many more unbearable days) I was completely blindsided. I though we were happy - yes this year has been tough juggling 2 jobs and 2 kids during a pandemic. But we are a team. We don’t fight, we don’t argue, we have good conversation and a good sex life.

We have been together 17 years, married for 7, childhood sweethearts. We have two gorgeous children aged 9 and 4. A beautiful home and a good life. We are in the best financial position we have ever been in and don’t really have many money worries.

So I really can’t get my head around it. He says he never went looking for it. It was a friendship that crossed a line. He has admitted he loves her and he ‘hates’ himself for it. He said he wants to work at our marriage, he still loves me and the life we have built together. I believed him. Let him back home after 10 days and we had a good couple weeks together. We were laughing an joking, intimate, making plans for the future and working through the rollercoaster of emotions we are currently going through.

But he has just admitted he is struggling with what he has done. He still has feelings for her and he needs some space to think. I am crushed.

I have been heartbroken but so reasonable and I now feel he has taken my kindness for weakness. He is now at his parents trying to get his head right. Even now he says he loves me and doesn’t want this to be the end. But I’m now starting to think that I can’t live with a man knowing he loves somebody else. It’s torture.

I desperately want to believe that he won’t walk away from me and our family. But in his eyes I see he is tortured. And my gut is telling me he has already checked out of our marriage but is just too afraid to say it.

Am I kidding myself at the thought of reconciliation here. I am making myself ill with the stress of if all. 😭

Hi op, I've been in a similar situation but I didn't give my ex husband chance to tell me he was in love with her after finding the messages - I packed his bag that day. We were also childhood sweethearts, great marriage and family life for the most part but I guess he didn't see it that way, or he did but his head was turned at the point in his life where he was hitting 40 and feeling a little invisible. It was a younger colleague in his case.

I know all too well those early feeling of despair and hurt and it doesn't mean much not but it WILL get easier, I promise. It still hurts 3 years later for me but I know I made the right decision because a life of mistrust and doubt would have been even worse.

Your dc will be ok. I kept ours out of everything. They are 13 and 15 now and have no idea why we separated (we told them we weren't making each other happy anymore, which hurt like hell as that wasn't the truth but I couldn't lay the truth at their feet).

I have never said a bad word about my ex to them and they see him regularly and we co-parent really well.

He spilt from the OW after about a year and that enabled us to have a better co-parenting relationship as I was able to let go of some of the bitterness. We are both with other people now and happy. I will always love him but that's not enough.

I would recommend you try and get some counselling. My friends were amazing as a shoulder to cry on but were also too close so speaking to a stranger really helped sort my thoughts.

Wishing you the best - you will get through this xx

Have you told family yet? Please get some support for yourself. Counselling may help as you work through the grief.

Sadly it seems he is infatuated and not get realised what he will lose. Is OW married?

@Bluntness100

So sorry op, what you're going through is torture. It's torture because he's trying to keep a foot in each door

He is keeping them hanging but is he really trying to keep a foot in each door or just struggling to tell her clearly. His actions have said it. He’s told her he loves this woman and has left the op. But this could be he’s just struggling to say it outright.

🙄Oh pffft he’s “in love” and couldn’t help himself. The other woman has run a mile by the sounds of it so how much “in love” can he be. He sounds weak. He has a 4 year old who only has one dad in the whole world and he can’t manage to stay stable for a few years for that. He’s out and about eyeing up women who don’t even want him. If the marriage was good - and I believe that it was - I’d imagine a lot of that was down to OP herself. I have no advice to give except - don’t idealise him. He’s not a strong or honourable person and he has badly let you down. But he was your DH and your children’s dad so it’s a huge shock and loss. So sorry and whatever happens I hope you will be happy again in time💐

I really want NO contact. But then I’m trying to keep things as normal as possible for the children. How do I find this balance??

I'm not sure what arrangement you have but if he's coming to visit the children keep it to set days and times, don't let him sit talking to you or crying on your shoulder. Busy yourself elsewhere in the house or go out. Arrange his next visit before he leaves and no contact in between unless it's regarding the children.
I understand you want to keep it normal for the children, but unfortunately it is no longer normal for them and they will be aware something is going on.

I think it is possible to love two people simultaneously. So I don’t doubt he still loves you, the problem is he lusts someone else and has convinced himself it’s love. That’s not going to be snuffed out, so it has to burn itself out by letting him go and be with her basically.

He’ll either find she’s everything he ever wanted or more likely he’ll realise he fucked his marriage up for a shag.

OP I was where you were 18 months ago. Firstly don't believe him if he says it wasn't sexual. It always is and I'm sure if you asked the OW she would give you much more information than he has given you.Most cheaters won't admit to it because they don't want to think you have shut the door on them and their option of returning is closed to them.

My now ex did the same. Was friendly with someone he worked with. Funnily enough he used to moan about her and how she needed attention from people. Turned out he was giving her more than attention. I found out by accident and it broke my heart. My dd cried for days. It was heartbreaking, I had to comfort her and whilst I tried to not cry in front of her there were times when I did unexpectedly and for that I will never forgive him.

I would suggest no contact with him face to face. You will be on a rollercoaster of emotion and you need to work through it. I told my dd that her dad was staying with his parents as they weren't well. He would take our dd to his parents for a few hours but on my terms and not his.

Don't be conned by his crocodile tears and his woe me facade. He wants you to feel sorry for him so you don't close the door on him. He didn't feel sorry for you when he was with her now did he?? Always remember that!

Don't be rushed into making any decisions and I would definitely suggest some counselling for yourself. Do you have friends who can support you?

Don't play the pick me dance. he has told you he still has feelings for her. That would be enough for me to end it I'm afraid. You are no longer a priority in his life and he is no longer the person you thought you knew and loved.

So here's what happened to me. I sent a message to the OW and made sure she knew he had told her a load of lies about our relationship and she ended it with him. We spent months apart. Then we talked and tried a reconcilliation for my dd's sake too. It didn't work, the trust I had was gone and he was no longer the person I had loved and respected so I ended it and I feel so much better for doing it.

Take your time, don't be rushed, focus on you and your children. Just focus on getting through one day at a time on the basics. Make sure you eat a little and look after yourself. You will get through this! have a look at the chumplady website.

It reads like he is already treating you like a doormat. You need to take control of your life. Don’t do the pick me dance. Tell him what is happening now he has decided to have an affair. Give him set days with children and responsibilities for them, don’t let him walk all over you. I’m sure while he’s relaxing at his parents he’s talking to OW all the while he has no parental responsibilities and you have 100% of them.
You need to accept this marriage is over, you won’t trust him in the future.

I’m so sorry he did this.

I’m afraid I think it’s over too. The trust has gone. It’ll never be the same again - if you get back together you’ll be thinking about his affair all the time.

A lot of what you’re missing now is the role you had. Wife, mum, team-player, part of a successful marriage, safe, stable, secure.

When I split with my first DH, I missed that role.

I had to find a new identity for myself. Which I did, and I ended up SO MUCH HAPPIER. But it took time.

This isn’t the last chapter of your life. It’s only chapter 4, where our lovable main character has a horrible event that blows up her existing life, and has no idea what to do. But the next chapters will be you rebuilding things, discovering strengths, friends and self-esteem that you never realised were there. By chapter seven, you’ll realise that this might, in some unforeseen way, be a blessing. By the final chapter, this’ll merely be a bad thing that happened ages ago. With a man who turned out to be an idiot.

He isn’t who you thought he was. That’s awful, but it’s true. He had the perfect life and he deliberately, deceptively, broke it.

You will be amazing. YOU can do this. You will thrive. Trust me. Trust all of us who’ve been where you are now. This is a doorway to a future that’s not what you expected, but can be better than you ever imagined.

OP this sounds like absolute agony for you - I'm so sorry. Just try to get through each hour each day and be kind to yourself.
Your DH is an idiot to think he has a real relationship that's been based on fantasy - but it's best that he steps away to struggle with the turmoil he's caused you and himself.

For what it's worth- I think you might have tried too hard too soon to rescue your marriage and your life - for all the right reasons of course. But it's not allowed him to lift the scales from his eyes- nor you to process the betrayal.

Whether you are to stand any chance of reconciliation- and even if that is what you want, I think you should see any future as a new relationship with him. The old relationship has been damaged and can't just pick up where it left off. And whether the new relationship with him is just as the father of your children or anything more - you need to approach it as you would a new relationship too. Dont over invest, make assumptions, or leave yourself vulnerable- take it slowly.
I wish I could offer something to take the pain away - but time is what you will need. X

What an absolute arsehole OP, I’m so sorry.

Echoing everyone else here, he’s treated you appallingly and it does sound like you’re currently enabling his further shit treatment of you but putting up with all his woe-is-me bullshit and waiting to see if he’s going to pick you.

F U C K T H A T!

You really must dig deep abs find your anger and strength. How fucking dare he treat you this way, what a disrespectful fucking bastard of the highest order. Why should you give a shit who he has fallen for it if he is ‘suffering’. What a prick.

You will never be able to trust him, ever again.

He wanted and still wants someone else. There's no positive outcome of trying to make it work - you will be so disappointed with yourself in the long run.

You have to be the decision maker. It is over. Feel your anger and hold on to it for a while so you can distance yourself emotionally from him. You will be ok. Your kids will too. If you can be strong.

You're probably in for a tough ride with your emotions, OP. You'll probably experience huge swings from extreme distress to rage. Just know that you WILL be a stronger person at the end, I guarantee it. Also know that it may take months before you start to feel like you're getting better.

Also, what makes you think they didn't have sex?

If they really didn't (doubtful), they were clearly desperate to.

I am so sorry you are going through this OP, it is heart breaking. My DP had an EA 2 years ago, nothing happened between them it was all whatssapp and secret phone calls (it was a mutual friend of ours) but it still broke my heart as for my DP the intent was there. For the friend it was an ego stroke, for DP it was putting the groundwork in to get into her knickers.

2 years later we are still together but i dont trust him and my mental health took a battering. I still think about it now, it consumes me.

I sometimes wish i had let him go (looking back he had no intention of leaving but threatened to make me shut up and get back in my box), i day dream about living a life without constant anxiety, and wondering what he is up to.

From my point of view OP i wouldnt have him back. If DP had told me that he loved mutual friend he would have been out the door. You will always be wondering what he is thinking/feeling, is he only here because life is easy? Does he really love me? You will be thinking back and torturing yourself as things fall into place as to why he was acting different, every time his phone pings you will be wondering if it is her, is he still in contact with her? Does he have a secret phone? It consumes you.

I know now that letting my DP go would have been the hardest thing in the world but i should have done it as the toll it has taken on my mental health is not good. 2 years on i would have healed and not led half a life.

Absolutely gutted for you. Heartbreaking......

Some brilliant advice from some caring posters and like many, I’ve been there.

You essentially have two choices. You pull the bed covers over your head and sob your heart out till the end of time.

Or as Herculean and impossible as it may seem, and as emotionally difficult as it will be, you take back control.

If he wants to see the children, let him pick them up and take them to his parents. Let him and them see and the ‘ feel ‘ the consequences. It will be tough on you and the children, but lies won’t make things easier.

Tell him, you don’t want him in the house. Not to contact you unless it’s over the children. And send him a solicitor’s letter stating you want a divorce, to stay in the house and you want generous child maintenance payments.

I’m betting a months salary, within weeks, he’s begging to come back, it was all a mistake and you are the one he truly loves, and it will never happen again.

If I’m wrong, what have you lost !? A man who has cheated and broken your heart !? A man who has cheated on his children and broken their hearts !?

When did he last spend £600 on you or the children !? The man you knew and loved has turned into someone else.

Don’t let this someone else, whom you really don’t know, hurt you and control you.

Be strong.

Bless.

What Fabio said
Take back control .

He’s keeping you on the back burner while he tries to get together with this other woman. Don’t let him, OP. Please don’t throw good years after bad. If you get back together you will always be wondering whether it was only because he couldn’t have her, you will be competing with a ghost. I know separation is a huge effort and very messy but you’ll thank yourself for it in the long run

@LemmysAceCard

Not too late to leave Lemmy

**But in his eyes I see he is tortured. And my gut is telling me he has already checked out of our marriage but is just too afraid to say it

Op, follow your gut. Your gut instinct has made the decision for you and you know deep down this is over. It will hurt like hell in the transition but things will get better. I can't see how your marriage can survive this, or if it did, it won't be the same. You deserve so much more than this man

Oh OP, I'm so sorry your husband has treated you so appallingly, this is an awful way to treat another human being.
I would second what @Rosieposy89 said, always, always listen to your gut, even when its so difficult to hear what it has to say.
You've had lots of fantastic advice here from people that have been in your situation. I just wanted to add that when you said he wanted space my immediate thought was yes, he wants some space to purse OW and see if he can convince her without the risk of you finding out what he's up to. That way he can have you as a convenient back up plan if things don't go as he hopes. That would explain why he doesn't have the courage to say what your gut has already told you, despite the torture that this is causing you. I know instinctively you'll want to think 'surely he couldn't treat me this badly' but sadly I've seen it play out often enough now to know that its actually pretty common. Think about it the other way, if 'he's not sure what he wants', but one of those things might be his marriage, surely being at home with his wife would be the best place to work that out?
I know you still love him, and have mentioned how you're holding out for a reconciliation, but he's not the man you thought he was. He's a cheater, a liar, a man happy to steal from your family's joint financial resources, a man that will prioritise the OW over his own children, and a coward to boot. The advice to take control and get some counselling are also excellent, at the moment you just need to worry about yourself and your DC. And yes, I imagine your instincts are spot on, that he is taking advantage of your kindness too, so think long and hard about what you want rather than whatever pity party he wants you to indulge in for his own benefit. If its too hard for you to see him then its up to him to find a way to see his children that facilitates that, not for you to suck it up and pick the pieces.
There are lots of excellent threads on here with women that have picked themselves up after being treated equally awfully by their partners, please do dive into them and realise you're not alone. I think the 'running in the rain' thread might help you- it doesn't quite apply to your situation, but its the most wonderfully inspiring thread of a woman who was treated appallingly by her partner, and then picked herself up and built a better life for herself. Good luck, we're routing for you

Thank you all so much. It’s overwhelming to hear that you all agree that I should end this.

He says that he wants our marriage to work but he is so conflicted with his feelings that he needs space and time to work his head out. He also says he is scared that he has broken us and our lives with be toxic moving forward.

Since I found out he has maintained that it is over between him and the OW; mutually over. And that he had cut all contact. But today he has admitted that he has reached out to her on the phone this week to vent/rant about the situation and to get advice from someone who ‘understands what he is going through’. He didn’t understand why I was horrified at this.

Even now, he maintains that he doesn’t want it to be over between us; he just needs time to figure it out. How can he look me square in the eyes and tell me he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me???

I’ve just come to blows with him over the house and the kids. He said he has the right to stay in this house and see his kids everyday.

I cannot play happy families while things are like this. While I won’t stop him seeing the children I just can’t be around him.

I have had my first counselling session and have some great friends to lean on. I am now thinking I should get some legal advice

But I overwhelmingly don’t want to believe this is the end of my marriage. I think I am still in shock and probably in denial. I think reality is hitting me right now. To be honest I am struggling to function. 😭

I think you need to find your inner bitch, OP.

Understands what HE is going through?? Good fucking grief. My heart bleeds for the poor lamb. And what choice did he have but to reach out to the woman who’s knickers he is trying to get into 🙄

The utter lack of awareness or care for your feelings is a deal breaker in itself - he doesn’t care about you OP, only how easy his life is.

Please please please book a meeting with a divorce lawyer. You need to get the wheels in motion to protect you and the kids from ending up in a very unfavourable arrangement.

I’m sorry this has all happened to you, and it must be mentally exhausting thinking about the future. But it is more important now than ever. Don’t let him do a number on you twice

Hate to say it op but its clearly more than an emotional affair you don't develop such strong feelings over chats. You stated they kissed the likelihood is they have sex many times he will minimise as much as possible but he wouldn't risk breaking a marriage up if a physical affair had not been started. I speak from bitter experience.

He's mucking the OW around, too, huh, ranting to her about his problems with you? Does he usually have thoughtless/selfish tendencies?

My exh did this thing about it being his house too, and he was right. But ... well, it turned out that he only wanted to stay there as long as I was nice and quiet, left him alone and didn't wake him up in the middle of the night to remind him what a shit he was being discuss the situation.

Lots of us have been in this crappy situation. It's physically and mentally knackering. Get medical help/therapy as required, and tell family and friends what's happening if they can support you.

And yes I strongly suspect it wasn’t just kissing, I would be incredibly surprised if it was.